Can He Commit? There’s an app for that!

Marriage Material - logo-with-nameWhen I ask one of my clients if the person they are dating has any long term potential, I usually get an answer that sounds something like this. Yes, we’ve got a lot in common! We love doing the same things and we can talk for hours. And he’s the first person I’ve had strong feeling for in a long time. There is just something different about him. I know in my heart that he really is the one.

While that’s great, and commonality and affection are indeed important, this doesn’t answer my question. The first thing I want to know about the guy that has you giddy like a school girl is, does he have the ability to really commit?  Because if he doesn’t, it won’t matter how much you love him or how hard you both obsess over dim sum and documentary films. If he lacks the core qualities needed in a partner, your relationship won’t go the distance. Period.

So what does it take to commit to someone? Doesn’t it depend on who they would be committing to, or if the timing is right? Sure, those factors do play a part in someone’s decision to hunker down with you, but there are also some key characteristics that men need in order to commit to anyone.
If they lack these key qualities in general, or more importantly, demonstrate they have the opposing flaws, it won’t matter if you are a Gigi Hadid-Kate Middleton hybrid, he’s not going to make you happy long term.

What should you look for?

There are 7 fatal flaws that make someone undateable in the long run. If the guy you’re currently cuddling up to is free and clear of these seven blemishes, then the foundation for a healthy partnership is there. You can continue your relationship and decide if he’s the one. If he possesses one of the seven deadly shortcomings, however, heed my warning: It will be nearly impossible to carry on a healthy relationship together. I recently teamed up with Marriage Material, an app that helps couples learn about and improve their relationships, and developed a quiz called, “Long Term Potential : Does your partner have any?” The quiz is designed so that women (and men) can quickly and concisely determine if their boy/girlfriend is a keeper, and avoid anyone who simply lacks the nuts and bolts of what holds a relationship together. (Download the app and take the test!)

While I’m happy to help women hash out if their relationship can be saved, or assist in strategizing how to win someone back, the truth is that over 50% of clients I speak with are involved with someone who doesn’t have the bare bone qualities needed for a happy, healthy commitment. Rather than waste time analyzing text messages, or decoding cryptic responses, first find out if he is simply the kind of guy that is able to be with one woman, and make her happy. If he can’t do that, what else is there to figure out?

What you need to know before you marry him?

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Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann

 

 

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Dating Unplugged: Drastic approach or game changing trend?

iphoneblogpic“He’s been texting me for the last three days, but he still hasn’t asked me out for another date! What is going on?”

I get asked some form of this question at least twice a day. Frustrated single women scratching their heads over why the man they are seeing, (or maybe more accurately, not seeing) is dragging his feet on setting up a date. The romantic tales of today are sounding more and more like this; boy meets girl. boy gets her number. boy texts girl. boy texts girl some more. girl gets frustrated that boy is not making any real moves. Sometimes there is a date or two wedged into all that texting, but not always. Quite often the relationship fizzles out leaving girl to wonder, “where did we go wrong?”

The reason these potential relationships fail to take flight can vary. Some men just prefer the comfort of a virtual relationship, others start interested but that interest quickly wanes with one text too many, but most are doing what women wish they wouldn’t do. They are texting with multiple girls at once and just don’t have the time to date all of them.

Tired of constantly losing at the dating game, my client, who we will call Grace, decided that she spent too much time during our sessions asking me when and what to text boys. Exhausted at the minutia, she decided to do the unthinkable. She disabled her text messaging. She decided she would date plugged for the next year and hope for better results.

When Grace handed out her number, she made a point to tell the guy she couldn’t receive texts. Some looked confused but others just accepted the information. Some wouldn’t call even after taking her number, but the ones who did, set up dates. Not only that, but they set up the next date before that date ended. The biggest difference came with online dating though. Since Grace was a big internet dater (and I recommended not giving that one up) she emailed with men but again told them she didn’t have text capability. The results? There were no more long drawn out texts convos with men she hadn’t met, no more waiting “day-of” to get a text about where and when they would meet (or if they were even still meeting!), best of all, she wasn’t worried that she was wasting time constantly communicating with someone she wasn’t going to see again. Grace’s story changed to boy meets girl. boy gets girls number. boy calls girl and asks her out properly.

Grace’s resounding success caused a wave among her friends. Soon they were all dating unplugged. I began telling my clients to stop giving out there cell phone numbers and go back to using their home phone. Funny, not all were up for the challenge and when pressed, admitted that they were afraid of letting go of their virtual relationships, even at the prospect of more quickly developing a real one.  Most that tried did try it though, were pleased at the turn around.  They felt no more angst and anxiety in between dates. They felt more confident while on them, too, because they were only going out with men who picked up the phone and asked them out, which takes more thought and courage than typing a quick “how r u?”.  And while you would think that communicating less with someone would slow the relationship, in many ways it had the opposite effect. More people were going on more dates, more often, and building something real rather than aimlessly surface chatting for weeks about their daily grind, or plans for the weekend.

If you have had your fill of flirty texting that lead only to confusion, anxiety, and more texting, take the uplugged dating challenge and keep us posted on your results!

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I RUINED MY CHANCES WITH A GREAT GUY! CAN I WIN HIM BACK?

 

 

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Date Coaching Success Story: Letter From An Engaged Client

Hi everyone!

2014 has been a great year! Three of my clients have gotten engaged. Below was a very sweet email that I received from one just the other day. I don’t usually post messages from clients, but this one really pointed to a necessary change that I believe a woman struggling with finding love needs to make.  This client overcame the challenge of giving into her fears and anxiety in order to make the correct moves for herself and her relationship, and I think she’s a great example for others needing help in the same area.

“Hi Jess

Over a year ago, you helped me with my online profile and later with my new relationship with Sam.  I was having a lot of anxiety about losing Sam and decided to seek your help. I worked on my insecurities while continuing to see Sam.  It was the hardest battle I have ever faced but slowly I changed my thinking and learn to look at my relationship and myself in a new way.  It allowed me to enjoy my time with Sam and truly connect and fall in love with him (But I did wait for him to say it first!)

A few months after coaching with you, Sam asked me to move in with him and I said I was flattered but couldn’t move in unless  with someone unless I was engaged to them.  Sam had been married before and the divorce wasn’t easy.  He told me he wasn’t sure he could do it again.  Although I was very sad, I realized in that moment how much I had changed. Sam was not wrong or scared of commitment, his feelings were understandable and fair. At the same time, I realized mine were too.  Although I would be heartbroken if Sam and I parted, I knew it would be worse if I moved in without marriage and that if we had to part, both Sam and I would be ok and would find love again.  So I told Sam I understood and that he had to do what was right for him, and I had to do the same.   I continued with my life, seeing Sam, spending time with friends and family and traveling.
Well…Sam reached his decision and Christmas morning proposed with a beautiful diamond ring he designed himself! I said yes, of course!

I am marrying my true love and best friend. Yet I knew that if Sam had reached another decision, I was still going to be fine.  I learned that you have to be willing to let someone go even though it hurts in order to find your true connection.

Jess, I never would have been able to change my thinking and find myself and true love without your help.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.

Love,

Your newly engaged client”

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I Blew Up His Phone! Now He Won’t Text Me Back. Help!

Hi Jess,
So there is this guy who I’ve known since high school. We got reconnected after we graduated college and he asked me on several dates and we had a great time. We’ve hung out frequently for several weeks. I made one big mistake and want your advice on damage control if possible. I really do like him and would hate for it to have to end. So one night I decided to have a party at my place; something I haven’t done in a while and invited lots of friends over including the guy I like. He was out with his friends and said he was going to try and come. A few hours into the party, I got very drunk and overloaded his phone with calls and texts asking when he was coming. I haven’t heard from him since. I haven’t tried reaching out to him for fear of it being too soon and making it worse but also I don’t even know what to say. Please help I really wanna try and get him to see it was a genuine drunken mistake and to try and look past it.
– Sincerely
What do I do

Dear WDID,

Have you ever heard the saying, In Vino Veritas? It means, in wine there is truth. So even though you see this as just a drunken mistake, it’s likely that this guy sees this as a character revealing incident. Meaning, he now thinks that being with you, in a relationship, will mean lots of nagging texts and questions about his whereabouts, and possibly nagging about other things like his clothes, choice of friends, career path, etc, etc,. This is much more than just an “oops” on your part, and getting back in his good graces might be very tough now. The best thing you can do is call him and tell him that you are extremely embarrassed at the way you’ve behaved and that you normally don’t drink that much (and then NEVER drink that much again!) Ask if you can take him to lunch for being so obnoxious. Hopefully he will say yes, and you can begin to rebuild what you had. But beware, it’s really hard to undo this type of damage because the number one thing that a man doesn’t want in a relationship is a naggy, needy girlfriend. You’ve basically showed him that you have that side so he’s likely scared to get any further involved with you. Drinking and texting is extremely dangerous so next time, leave your phone out of reach. And if you ever feel the urge again to blow up a guy’s phone, make sure you call one of your girlfriends instead. Think of her like your AA sponsor!

My parting advice: don’t let your “wants” rule you. If he doesn’t do what you want him to do, accept it. Don’t push and try to get your way because you want him to be your boyfriend. That’s what got you where you are now. If you can learn to be accepting of the men and situations in your life, you’ll notice that things get a bit easier and you suffer less heartbreak.

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Why Has He Changed? Will he ever be like he was before?

Dear Jess,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, and it’s been really great. When we first started dating he was very effusive with his feelings. He always complimented me, and told me how he was crazy about me. Recently though, he hasn’t been saying those things as much. We still see each other a lot, and his actions haven’t changed but I’m scared that he’s losing interest based on the fact that he doesn’t tell me how he feels anymore. I’ve freaked out on him a couple times over this, hoping he’ll give me what I need but it hasn’t worked. Do you think I should be worried? How do I get him to be like how he was before?

Thank you!<=
Feeling worried in Wisconsin

Dear FWIW,

I know you may be freaked out right now but what you are going through is actually very common. Men are hardly ever as verbose and effusive about their feelings as they are when you just start dating them. The reason is that the first stage of falling in love, otherwise know as infatuation, causes massive amounts of dopamine to be released. This creates a temporary high, so to speak. It’s why we can’t concentrate, why we daydream, and why we get excited at the mere mention of that very special someone. While in this state, men typically become extremely emotional beyond their normal state of being. They can’t stop their mouths from spilling about all the wonderful feelings you give them..but as you settle into the relationship, that overflow of emotion tapers a bit, and you may hate to hear this, but that is normal, and not something that really needs changing. You are just moving into another stage, one that is actually closer to real love. This stage doesn’t have your man chasing you down with flowers, candy, and “I love you’s” but it is bringing you to a place of mutual respect, deep appreciation, and true companionship. Accepting this next stage, and not fighting it may be hard for you, as it is for some women. Let me be honest and say though that the trouble may not be that your man isn’t verbal enough, rather that you need constant reassurance. But asking for a guy to reassure you everyday of his feelings will exhaust him. Eventually he will just move on to someone who is less high maintenance.

If your guy shows you affection, is trust worthy and committed, you really need to ask yourself why is it that you need daily affirmations to be happy and relaxed? The truth may be that your own insecurities are driving you while pushing your boyfriend to his brink. So what should you do from here? To maintain a happy and loving relationship you have to focus on giving your boyfriend what he needs from you, instead of dwelling on your self-rooted fears. Try leading by example, and tell your boyfriend how much you love him and care for him. Say it as much as you wish he would say it to you. Often if we be the change we want, we get the change we need.

For more advice from Jess McCann.com visit her older blogs here.

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What Every Girl Should Know About Hooking Up….

This blog is an oldie but a goodie! I last posted it in 2009, so for anyone who hasn’t read it yet, enjoy!

Your are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”

Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.

And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.

I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.

Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men that they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely, and essentially use them when they want to. Those same women often come crying to me when a man does the same thing to them. These girls bounce back and forth between men that like them but have no interest in, and men that they like but can’t pin down.  Ironically, these women cannot see the writing on the wall when a man is only with them out of convenience. They make up excuses for sporadic behavior. If he doesn’t call for a week, but then suddenly texts while he’s out on a Friday night, they believe it means he’s suddenly come around! He was just busy all week with his stressful work schedule. The truth is that guys will use you in the same way you use them.  In order to find love and happiness you must stop the cycle of use. It’s the most anti-love action possible. How is it fair that you waste that nice boy’s time but then fall to pieces when another guy does it to you? The Universe will absolutely bring you what you deserve and if it knows you are only hanging out with someone because you are lonely, it will not blink at handing you the same scenario. Don’t waste your time on men that are not interested in you and don’t waste someone else’s time either. Getting involved with men who make you chase them can do a terrible number on your self-esteem. Unbalanced and unloving relationships chip away at your heart and by the time you find a guy that really likes you, you don’t know how to act. You don’t know how to really be in a healthy relationship because, thus far, in your past there has only been use. If you don’t like someone, don’t waste their time. And if a guy doesn’t seem crazy about you, do yourself a big favor and just move on to someone who is. What you put out to the world is what you will get back. Be kind and loving to men and they will be kind and loving to you.

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Too Much Fighting? How do you stop the daily bickering with your spouse?

Dear Jess,
I have a problem that I cannot seem to solve. Lately, my husband and I have been getting into a lot of fights with each other over absolutely nothing. The fights start small but blow up into an all out, days long, brawl. I know fighting can be healthy, but the kind of fighting we are doing can’t be good. Yet, it just keeps happening. For instance, the other day my husband and I were driving somewhere and suddenly he yelled, “Get over! You’re not supposed to be in this F’ing lane! What are you doing?!?” To which I snapped back, “Can you just let me drive?!” And he said, “No, I obviously can’t because your not doing it correctly.” And I said, “Who died and made you president of the DMV? If I’m driving badly it’s your fault for stressing me out!”
The fight snowballed from there and we didn’t speak for three days. I just don’t know why we get so mad at each other and how to stop it. Any advice?
Thanks,
Fighting in Frederick

Hi FIF,
Sorry to hear this. Fighting is only good when it’s productively resolving a serious issue, and whether or not you are a bad driver doesn’t sound like one to me. If you really want to stop these petty arguments, you are going to have to be the bigger person and not indulge when your hubby kicks them off. Like most people, it sounds like you are both arguing with each other just to save face, and not to defend any particular position. If you notice that a large part of your bickering consists of making the other person wrong or feel bad, then you aren’t arguing – you are just criticizing and condemning. The first step for you is to not jump on an opportunity to chastise your husband because he last chastised you. Then, what will be even more difficult is to not engage the next time he wags his finger at you for something trivial. For example if he yells, “Get over! You’re not supposed to be in this F’ing lane. What are you doing?!” Instead of yelling back, remain calm and give him the opportunity to hear his own words loudly echo in the air. Don’t respond verbally. Just sigh, turn on your blinker, and get over. Let his words and be the last ones he hears so he can realize how obnoxious, angry, or hurtful they sound. If you yell back he won’t get that because he will hear your words instead which only provoke him to keep arguing. I know you are likely snapping back and him because you don’t want him to think he can scream at you and get away with it, but the truth is, that is why you end up in a screaming match. It will be more effective if you use silence instead of any words. Then, keep your conversation with him to a minimum for the next hour or so. Answer if he talks to you, but let your attitude be clear – you aren’t happy with him.

You don’t need to vocally meet your husband half way to teach him a lesson. You’ll get through to him much quicker if you don’t engage when his temper flies high. Just realize that when he comes at you with tongues a blazing, it isn’t because of something you are doing – it’s because he’s in a bad mood. And when most people are in a mood, they try their best to suck other people into it, too. Let him be in the mood all by himself. Let him feel isolated and alone for his remarks. This is how he will recognize the error of his way and help you to end the frequent feuding.

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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The 3 Reasons You Keep Attracting The Wrong Guys

loveorlosingYou can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?

1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better.  If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.

2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that.  Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t.  This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart.  The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing.  The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.

3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have.  You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.

If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.

Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!

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Can You Show A Guy Your Somber Side? Will he still like you if you aren’t always happy and positive?

Jordie_NASDear Jess,

In order to improve my dating, I read a lot of self-help books and dating advice (including your awesome books!). I’ve learned a lot, but I’m starting to sense a theme that goes something like this:
In order to attract a man, you need to be so confident and positive that he’ll want to be around you all the time.

Obviously, there is a kernel of truth to that — it’s important to be confident and positive because those traits attract high-quality men. But nobody can exude confidence and positivity all the time. Sometimes I worry that no man will like me if I express any negativity. What if I have a bad day? What if the guy I’m dating does something annoying, or my best friend’s mother dies, or someone rear-ends my car at a red light? How do I strike a balance between positive and real and still keep a man’s interest (and my sanity)?

Thanks,
Not Always Smiling

Hi NAS,

While it is true that attracting a man does take a certain amount of confidence and positivity, I think there are two very important distinctions to be made here. First, keep in mind that these traits are important for attracting a man, meaning they are most necessary when you want to capture a guys attention – a guy who does not yet know you. Of course, once you get to know someone you will have bad days and should share them, but you don’t want to unload your problems on someone who just asked if they could buy you a drink. Second, there is a big difference between opening up about your feelings and showing emotion when things are not going well, and acting if the world is ending when one of life’s little problems pops up. I’ll take your example of someone rear ending your car. There are some people that would overreact in a negative way to having minor car accident – one that doesn’t result in anything but a scratched bumper. They might wallow in misery for the rest of the day and then get angry about it until the following week. One client of mine said she cancelled the rest of her day and called her boyfriend screaming, cursing, and crying when she accidentally backed into a parking meter. This kind of all encompassing negativity is what these books are warning against. Yes, life is going to hand you lemons sometimes, and while you don’t always have to make lemonade, if you want to keep a guy interested, you shouldn’t hurl those lemons at him. Expressing that you’ve had a hard work day, that someone close to you has passed, or even telling the person you’re involved with that picking their toenails really turns you off, doesn’t have to be a ugly or forlorn conversation. You are certainly allowed to be sad, get annoyed or angry and it won’t make men run from you as long as your delivery is appropriate and your relationship, solid.

The worst thing you can do is not tell the man you are dating why you are feeling down in the dumps. Pretending that everything is okay when clearly it’s not, often leads men to diagnose women as crazy or premenstrual. If you are going through a tough time, you should share that with your partner, rather than bottle it up and put on an unconvincing act. If you think you are saving your partner from listening to your woes, think again. Men want to know what’s bothering you. They want to help. They want to listen. You just have to communicate your feelings in the best way possible and for a lot of people, that can be hard. If you don’t, however, your sadness or frustration will come out some other way. You don’t want to burst into tears when your boyfriend asks you to pass the ketchup, because he really will think you’re a bit unbalanced if a condiment can upset you. Add the words, “I’m feeling..” to your vocabulary and use them. It’s totally fine to say, “I’m feeling a bit sad today because…” or “I’m feeling a little frustrated today and here is why…” You would be surprised at how just using those words to preface your feelings can make a big difference in how you communicate.

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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