Same Fight, Different Day: One little change that can make a big impact when communicating with your partner

Image courtesy of marcolm at

Image courtesy of marcolm at

“We just can’t seem to stop fighting,” he told me. “And when we do stop, and try to figure out how not to fight again, we get into another fight!”

I was sitting across from a newly married couple, attempting to save their marriage. The last year had been extremely volatile and they were both at their wits end. They didn’t know how to reach each other, make the other understand their side, and move on from whatever problem they were having. It’s not that they fought about everything, in fact, they had only had three fights over the last year. The problem was that they fought numerous times about those three things. I had talked to them each separately, and now we were all together trying to work through their issues and get to a final resolution.

Finally, we made some headway and the husband and wife came to terms with how to handle their communication going forward. But just as we were about to part ways, the husband brought up something the wife had said in one of their fights; something she had insisted she didn’t say.

“Absolutely you said that!” He insisted quite loudly.

“That isn’t what I said at all,” she shouted back, and then recounted her side of the story for the third time that day.

As I listened to them go back and forth, and watched both tempers rise again, it became pretty clear why they kept repeating the same arguments.

I asked the husband why he brought up what his wife had said when we had already discussed a plan to move forward from this particular argument. He stated that they needed to get the facts straights. It drove him crazy that she said certain things and then just forgot or denied that she said them. After all, what she said started the fight to begin with, in his opinion. The wife just sat there, shaking her head while he told me this.

“Why is it so important to you that she admit what she said?” I asked. “Since you have already resolved the argument and decided on how to move forward, what point is there in bringing up something she said during your fight? Are you looking for her to admit she made a mistake? Do you want an apology from her? What is your goal here?” I asked him.

He looked stunned for a second and drew a blank. He wasn’t sure. Why was he going over things she said when we had all come to a resolution on the problem. Like most couples, and the husband in particular in this case, they both had trouble letting go of things. This time, something the wife had either said, implied, or something the husband had inferred had hurt his feelings and angered him, and now he wanted her to admit her wrongdoing.

The Future Is More Important Than The Past

The problem with most feuds is that in the heat of an argument most people don’t say, or remember things that were said, accurately. Most of the time, their words are motivated by raw emotion and because of that we may not speak as clearly as we think we do and we certainly don’t hear as unbiasedly as we could. So, while it might make sense to go over exactly how a fight went down in order to figure out how to avoid it in the future, rarely do both sides remember an argument exactly the same way. That’s why rehashing your version and badgering the other person to concede, is pointless. What makes the most sense, and gets the fastest resolution is stating how you interpreted what they said and how they made you feel. And on the flip side, apologizing quickly for how your words came across.

Communication isn’t as easy as just saying whatever is on your mind, unfortunately. With a relationship, it’s mostly about learning how the other person interprets messages. Some people you can be quite blunt with, and with others you have to be more tactful. Certain people take offense easily, and others have a thicker skin. Learning each others “hot button words” and avoiding them is particularly helpful when having a disagreement. As is trying to remain objective and unemotional, even though the fight likely began because someone’s feelings were hurt. It’s not easy to do, but if you can try to remember you are both on the same team and work with, instead of against each other to find a solution, you’ll find you yourselves making amends much quicker.

The last thing I told this couple was for each of them to be mindful of the words they used to express their emotions. There would be a lot less to work through and forgive if they simply fought “above the belt” in the first place. That way, the past wouldn’t stick to them as easily, and their emotional wounds wouldn’t take so long to heal either. It’s human nature to meet anger with anger and lash out at someone when they are lashing out at you, but staying rooted in love even when you’re upset can make a world of difference in how your altercations play out. So, if your partner starts yelling and making verbal blows, don’t rise to meet him. Instead, bring him back to your level by remaining clam, grounded, and thoughtful about your ultimate goal… which shouldn’t be to unload frustration, but to get both of you to a better place of understanding going forward.

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Why Carly Leaves Brokenhearted, Jade Gets Engaged, and Ashley I. will remain single forever…

manandwifeOk, Ashley I. may not be single forever, but she will fly solo for several more years at least. I’ll explain more on that later. First, let’s talk about why Carly Waddell is going to leave  Bachelor In Paradise in tears, especially when everything seemed to be going so well between her and Kirk Dewindt. It appeared that the two were inseparable as we watched them hang out, hook up, and fall deeper in love week after week.  The truth is, although it felt like they had secured a solid relationship, the fact is that they were only in paradise for a total of 5 weeks of filming. So as Carly gushed and blushed about Kirk, even announcing on the fifth episode that she was eager to have sex with him, she had only truly known him for a matter of days. Although Kirk reciprocated her feelings to some extent, he did express concern to her about how fast the relationship was going. At that point, Carly should have red the writing on the wall and pumped the brakes! But she didn’t. And I believe this is why the relationship ended up failing. Her desire to have a relationship with Kirk overpowered her ability to hear what he was saying. Carly fell victim to same dating pitfall that thousands of other women do everyday – she thought only about what she wanted and ignored what Kirk needed.

If Carly had only been more aware of Kirk’s hesitation and mirrored his interest, things might have turned out differently. Which leads me to Jade and Tanner. Although they were both equally excited about the other, Jade was very careful to let Tanner voice his feelings first and let him set the pace of the relationship. She didn’t get overly hopeful that Tanner was “The One” and remained fairly cool, calm, and collected… how you really should be after only a couple of weeks of seeing someone. Tanner was able to still pursue Jade because of this, something that Carly took away from Kirk. With Jade, the challenge to win her over was still present, but with Carly it was obvious that she was there for the taking from day 1. For this reason, I predict that Jade and Tanner will be the ones to get engaged tonight.

And how much time do we have to spend on sweet but misguided, Ashley I.? Her heart is always in the right place, and she genuinely seems like a nice person, but she is another example of letting what you want supersede all other factors… even when the other factor is a completely uninterested male. She made it clear as crystal that Jared was the only guy she wanted from the moment she stepped on that sandy beach. She didn’t know him at all, but she made up her mind that it was Jared or bust. When you make that kind of decision, you are basing it on completely superficial reasoning. Sure, Jared turned out to be a nice, decent guy, but that isn’t why she went for him in the first place. As she said numerous times, it was his “perfect face” that did it for her and she wasn’t attracted to anyone else, nor willing to give anyone a chance. The self-proclaimed “picky princess” will continue to suffer heartache after heartache if she approaches all her relationships this way. She has to be open to getting to know a man on a deeper level before making a decision about how she feels about him. Until she does that, I’m afraid she’s going to have to stock up on her waterproof mascara because there will be many more tears in her future.

Have you ever wondered what is it that you did wrong with a guy? If you can’t figure out why he didn’t like you, or want to find out if there is a chance to win him back, contact Jess McCann for a personal consultation.

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Does He Spark Joy? Is this the only question you need to ask in your relationship?

Recently I had lunch with best-selling author and good friend of mine, Heather Maclean. She was in town for a quick visit and luckily had time to see her old reality TV friend. As we caught up over a spicy chicken pizza, the topic inevitably turned to books. One that seem to be all the rage today is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, which Heather had just finished and I had just started. Although the book had many interesting and unique tips and advice on how to declutter your life, the one that stood out the most to her was the practice of sorting through your things, holding them up and asking yourself one question…”Does this spark joy?”

Being a purger myself, and always looking for new ways to organize, I really loved this technique. After all, at the end of the day, isn’t that the best reason to keep something in your life? Because it brings you happiness? As Heather and I chatted on about the author’s brilliant rumination, we began brainstorming what other areas could this simple question be applied? Dozens, apparently. It could work for the small things like selecting music to buy, as well as the bigger things, as in what career path to choose. Of course, it didn’t take long for me to consider if this could also work for relationships. So many of my clients contact me when their relationship is in a state of flux, looking for guidance on whether they should work to save it or walk away. They agonize over their pros and cons list, lament over the few things they can’t seem to change, and vacillate between starting all over and just sticking it out. The question they always ask me in the end is, “What should I do?”, and perhaps now would be a good time to answer their question with a question. If a relationship no longer sparks joy, then what purpose is it serving anyway?

Most people, even those in volatile relationships, might jump to defend themselves when posed the joy question. “Yes, it brings me joy!” They might say. “It just also frustrates me, makes me sad at times, and forces me to do more cyber stalking than I’d like.” The key it seems would be making sure you truly understand the meaning of the word joy. Because if a relationship is bringing you a significant amount of pain, it’s likely that what you think of as “joy” is really the pleasure portion of the pleasure-pain cycle taking it’s turn. (If I’m losing you, just bear with me.) Joy is a feeling that arises from within you, and pleasure is something that is always tied to something outside of you. Pleasure is not ever in our control and therefore, can instantly turn to pain when it goes away or changes on us. (For example, we might feel great about our relationship until we send a little text and don’t get an immediate response. Suddenly, all the warm and fuzzy feelings fade and we are in a flat spin of negative emotions.) Of course, we might be sad when a relationship ends, and that doesn’t mean it didn’t bring us joy. It’s natural to feel brokenhearted when love is lost. It’s while you are currently in the relationship that this question must be asked. If you are truly in love, and with the right person, then joy should arise despite little (and some big) bumps in the road. Regardless of his annoying habits, or her idiosyncrasies, you should really feel immense joy within yourself just be being around the other person. If, however, what you mostly feel is stress, anxiety, and a constant rollacoaster of emotions, then it’s likely that this relationship is not sparking joy.

I have seen too many of my single female clients stick out a relationship that strikes more fear than anything else. The joy they claim to feel is really just a brief buzz when anxiety is absent and the guy is “being nice” for a change. In cases like this, the joy question is definitely a fitting one.  What about couples that are married, and have been married for many years though? Does the question still apply so fittingly after kids, second mortgages, ailing parents, and the many other responsibilities that lean heavily on a relationship? Is the joy question too simple, and too flippant for all that a marriage is? Can we really boil down it’s worth to such a simple yes or no question? At this point, to me, the query is not one of evaluation anymore, but more so a reminder that the reason we chose to be in together in the first place was because life is inevitably better when it’s shared with someone, and joy is something we do have control over. So after years of being together, if our relationship isn’t sparking joy anymore, we can take a look at ourselves and ask why not, and what can we do to reignite it? The answer to that may not be so straightforward, but it does spark thought, self-awareness, and reflection…and none of those things are bad.

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Married at First Sight: Why Ryan D and Davina may sabotage their marriages

Married-at-First-Sight-Spoilers-is-Davina-MarriedI cannot get enough of Married at First Sight. It’s my new guilty pleasure. It’s taken over as the number one relationship show on television for very good reasons. Because of it’s accelerated process, it showcases what can happen in marriage five or ten years down the line, only you don’t have to wait that long. You can see love growing and blossoming, or wilting and dying while the couples are still on their honeymoon. I’ve been watching since the Matchmaking episode and based on their interviews, and what has transpired thus far (up to the honeymoon), my predictions are that Jacklyn and Ryan R could last and continue to be married, but Ryan D and Jessica are doomed, and Sean and Davina could follow suit. Maybe not after the 6 weeks are up, but eventually. Here’s why:

Ryan D and Jessica

Although Ryan D proclaims he’s looking for lasting love much like his grandparents, he’s missing a key component to having a happy healthy partnership: He does not think about his wife’s feelings. He seems only interested in what he wants to do. Case in point. He knows Jessica is afraid of the water, and that she is hesitant about going jet skiing, but instead of helping her get comfortable and easing her into the experience, he guns it to warp-speed and throws both of them off the watercraft. When she tries again to conquer her fears because he wants to snorkel, he couldn’t seem to care less that she starts having a panic attack in the water. He doesn’t comfort her, take her hand, or reassure her that he’s going to keep her safe. He just paddles off on his own and lets her watch from the boat. Now, I do know that reality TV does quite a bit of editing so even if those two instances were made to look worse than what they really were, the fact that Ryan D shows affection like an 8 year-old-boy (“I like poking and teasing. That’s how I show affection”) makes it almost impossible to have a grown-up relationship with him. Women want to feel loved, and it’s hard to feel that way if flicking your big toe at her is the way you do it.

But the real kicker (sorry, to keep going but there is so much here) is that when Ryan hurts Jessica’s feelings by calling her piercings and tattoos trashy, he denies and justifies instead of simply saying, “I’m sorry.” Then he storms off and tells her the conversation is over. They always say you can tell how long a marriage will last by the way people argue. From the looks at it, Ryan is going to end this thing rather quickly if he doesn’t learn to accept responsibility for his mistakes. I feel like I should say something nice about him now since I’ve thrown him under the bus so much… He’s a good looking dude. And even if he’s tough to get along with, Jessica seems so loving and really wants to be married so I bet she hangs in there for as long as possible.

Sean and Davina

I want this couple to work out. I actually like them together. But the thing that may just get them in the end is that Davina seems to have what I call, A Better Than mentality. Meaning, she thinks she better, more deserving, and entitled to the best life has to offer – and her relationship is no exception. The low self-esteem she felt as a child has seemingly made her extremely self-focused in a negative way, but as she grew older, that self-focused viewpoint turned from negative to positive. Now she just thinks about herself far too much, and any little thing that threatens her self-esteem, she guards against. Sean has known her roughly five days and when he doesn’t react “appropriately” to her getting misty-eyed on the sleigh ride, she basically attacks him and warns, “Now you know that when I tear-up, it really means something.” Yikes. If Sean gets her the wrong type of birthday present, should he worry he’ll come home to a boiled bunny on the stove? (Of course not, but her comments are a bit dramatic, don’t you think?) Jessica getting upset with Ryan’s trashy comment or his disregard for her fear of jetski’s makes sense to me… but getting upset that the man you met 5 days ago didn’t know how to read your emotional reaction to happiness…I mean, are you looking for things to fight about?

If Davina can focus on gratitude instead of what Sean needs to improve on, they may do just fine. But if Sean realizes that it’s Davina’s world and he’s just a living in it, he may very well decide to move out.

Jacklyn and Ryan R

My favorite couple because I truly think they have a chance. The only thing that seems to be standing in their way right now is Jacklyn’s lack of physical attraction to Ryan. However, I think when a woman doesn’t know a man’s heart, character, humor, and personality, she will only be attracted to the top 5% of guys. Once she can factor in all the things that make a man great, he will undoubtedly get more attractive – unless the woman is 100% shallow. I don’t think Jackie is. Ryan is not an ugly guy, in fact, he is tall, dark, and handsome. She just has a certain picture in her head of what kind of man she thought she would end up with and he doesn’t look like Ryan. But that doesn’t mean a thing! I think they connect on many levels and have a good dynamic between them, so I really hope Jacklyn takes Ryan out of the friend zone before Ryan gets too annoyed that she’s put him there.

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Can He Commit? There’s an app for that!

Marriage Material - logo-with-nameWhen I ask one of my clients if the person they are dating has any long term potential, I usually get an answer that sounds something like this. Yes, we’ve got a lot in common! We love doing the same things and we can talk for hours. And he’s the first person I’ve had strong feeling for in a long time. There is just something different about him. I know in my heart that he really is the one.

While that’s great, and commonality and affection are indeed important, this doesn’t answer my question. The first thing I want to know about the guy that has you giddy like a school girl is, does he have the ability to really commit?  Because if he doesn’t, it won’t matter how much you love him or how hard you both obsess over dim sum and documentary films. If he lacks the core qualities needed in a partner, your relationship won’t go the distance. Period.

So what does it take to commit to someone? Doesn’t it depend on who they would be committing to, or if the timing is right? Sure, those factors do play a part in someone’s decision to hunker down with you, but there are also some key characteristics that men need in order to commit to anyone.
If they lack these key qualities in general, or more importantly, demonstrate they have the opposing flaws, it won’t matter if you are a Gigi Hadid-Kate Middleton hybrid, he’s not going to make you happy long term.

What should you look for?

There are 7 fatal flaws that make someone undateable in the long run. If the guy you’re currently cuddling up to is free and clear of these seven blemishes, then the foundation for a healthy partnership is there. You can continue your relationship and decide if he’s the one. If he possesses one of the seven deadly shortcomings, however, heed my warning: It will be nearly impossible to carry on a healthy relationship together. I recently teamed up with Marriage Material, an app that helps couples learn about and improve their relationships, and developed a quiz called, “Long Term Potential : Does your partner have any?” The quiz is designed so that women (and men) can quickly and concisely determine if their boy/girlfriend is a keeper, and avoid anyone who simply lacks the nuts and bolts of what holds a relationship together. (Download the app and take the test!)

While I’m happy to help women hash out if their relationship can be saved, or assist in strategizing how to win someone back, the truth is that over 50% of clients I speak with are involved with someone who doesn’t have the bare bone qualities needed for a happy, healthy commitment. Rather than waste time analyzing text messages, or decoding cryptic responses, first find out if he is simply the kind of guy that is able to be with one woman, and make her happy. If he can’t do that, what else is there to figure out?

What you need to know before you marry him?

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Dating Unplugged: Drastic approach or game changing trend?

iphoneblogpic“He’s been texting me for the last three days, but he still hasn’t asked me out for another date! What is going on?”

I get asked some form of this question at least twice a day. Frustrated single women scratching their heads over why the man they are seeing, (or maybe more accurately, not seeing) is dragging his feet on setting up a date. The romantic tales of today are sounding more and more like this; boy meets girl. boy gets her number. boy texts girl. boy texts girl some more. girl gets frustrated that boy is not making any real moves. Sometimes there is a date or two wedged into all that texting, but not always. Quite often the relationship fizzles out leaving girl to wonder, “where did we go wrong?”

The reason these potential relationships fail to take flight can vary. Some men just prefer the comfort of a virtual relationship, others start interested but that interest quickly wanes with one text too many, but most are doing what women wish they wouldn’t do. They are texting with multiple girls at once and just don’t have the time to date all of them.

Tired of constantly losing at the dating game, my client, who we will call Grace, decided that she spent too much time during our sessions asking me when and what to text boys. Exhausted at the minutia, she decided to do the unthinkable. She disabled her text messaging. She decided she would date plugged for the next year and hope for better results.

When Grace handed out her number, she made a point to tell the guy she couldn’t receive texts. Some looked confused but others just accepted the information. Some wouldn’t call even after taking her number, but the ones who did, set up dates. Not only that, but they set up the next date before that date ended. The biggest difference came with online dating though. Since Grace was a big internet dater (and I recommended not giving that one up) she emailed with men but again told them she didn’t have text capability. The results? There were no more long drawn out texts convos with men she hadn’t met, no more waiting “day-of” to get a text about where and when they would meet (or if they were even still meeting!), best of all, she wasn’t worried that she was wasting time constantly communicating with someone she wasn’t going to see again. Grace’s story changed to boy meets girl. boy gets girls number. boy calls girl and asks her out properly.

Grace’s resounding success caused a wave among her friends. Soon they were all dating unplugged. I began telling my clients to stop giving out there cell phone numbers and go back to using their home phone. Funny, not all were up for the challenge and when pressed, admitted that they were afraid of letting go of their virtual relationships, even at the prospect of more quickly developing a real one.  Most that tried did try it though, were pleased at the turn around.  They felt no more angst and anxiety in between dates. They felt more confident while on them, too, because they were only going out with men who picked up the phone and asked them out, which takes more thought and courage than typing a quick “how r u?”.  And while you would think that communicating less with someone would slow the relationship, in many ways it had the opposite effect. More people were going on more dates, more often, and building something real rather than aimlessly surface chatting for weeks about their daily grind, or plans for the weekend.

If you have had your fill of flirty texting that lead only to confusion, anxiety, and more texting, take the uplugged dating challenge and keep us posted on your results!

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Date Coaching Success Story: Letter From An Engaged Client

Hi everyone!

2014 has been a great year! Three of my clients have gotten engaged. Below was a very sweet email that I received from one just the other day. I don’t usually post messages from clients, but this one really pointed to a necessary change that I believe a woman struggling with finding love needs to make.  This client overcame the challenge of giving into her fears and anxiety in order to make the correct moves for herself and her relationship, and I think she’s a great example for others needing help in the same area.

“Hi Jess

Over a year ago, you helped me with my online profile and later with my new relationship with Sam.  I was having a lot of anxiety about losing Sam and decided to seek your help. I worked on my insecurities while continuing to see Sam.  It was the hardest battle I have ever faced but slowly I changed my thinking and learn to look at my relationship and myself in a new way.  It allowed me to enjoy my time with Sam and truly connect and fall in love with him (But I did wait for him to say it first!)

A few months after coaching with you, Sam asked me to move in with him and I said I was flattered but couldn’t move in unless  with someone unless I was engaged to them.  Sam had been married before and the divorce wasn’t easy.  He told me he wasn’t sure he could do it again.  Although I was very sad, I realized in that moment how much I had changed. Sam was not wrong or scared of commitment, his feelings were understandable and fair. At the same time, I realized mine were too.  Although I would be heartbroken if Sam and I parted, I knew it would be worse if I moved in without marriage and that if we had to part, both Sam and I would be ok and would find love again.  So I told Sam I understood and that he had to do what was right for him, and I had to do the same.   I continued with my life, seeing Sam, spending time with friends and family and traveling.
Well…Sam reached his decision and Christmas morning proposed with a beautiful diamond ring he designed himself! I said yes, of course!

I am marrying my true love and best friend. Yet I knew that if Sam had reached another decision, I was still going to be fine.  I learned that you have to be willing to let someone go even though it hurts in order to find your true connection.

Jess, I never would have been able to change my thinking and find myself and true love without your help.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.


Your newly engaged client”

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I Blew Up His Phone! Now He Won’t Text Me Back. Help!

Hi Jess,
So there is this guy who I’ve known since high school. We got reconnected after we graduated college and he asked me on several dates and we had a great time. We’ve hung out frequently for several weeks. I made one big mistake and want your advice on damage control if possible. I really do like him and would hate for it to have to end. So one night I decided to have a party at my place; something I haven’t done in a while and invited lots of friends over including the guy I like. He was out with his friends and said he was going to try and come. A few hours into the party, I got very drunk and overloaded his phone with calls and texts asking when he was coming. I haven’t heard from him since. I haven’t tried reaching out to him for fear of it being too soon and making it worse but also I don’t even know what to say. Please help I really wanna try and get him to see it was a genuine drunken mistake and to try and look past it.
– Sincerely
What do I do

Dear WDID,

Have you ever heard the saying, In Vino Veritas? It means, in wine there is truth. So even though you see this as just a drunken mistake, it’s likely that this guy sees this as a character revealing incident. Meaning, he now thinks that being with you, in a relationship, will mean lots of nagging texts and questions about his whereabouts, and possibly nagging about other things like his clothes, choice of friends, career path, etc, etc,. This is much more than just an “oops” on your part, and getting back in his good graces might be very tough now. The best thing you can do is call him and tell him that you are extremely embarrassed at the way you’ve behaved and that you normally don’t drink that much (and then NEVER drink that much again!) Ask if you can take him to lunch for being so obnoxious. Hopefully he will say yes, and you can begin to rebuild what you had. But beware, it’s really hard to undo this type of damage because the number one thing that a man doesn’t want in a relationship is a naggy, needy girlfriend. You’ve basically showed him that you have that side so he’s likely scared to get any further involved with you. Drinking and texting is extremely dangerous so next time, leave your phone out of reach. And if you ever feel the urge again to blow up a guy’s phone, make sure you call one of your girlfriends instead. Think of her like your AA sponsor!

My parting advice: don’t let your “wants” rule you. If he doesn’t do what you want him to do, accept it. Don’t push and try to get your way because you want him to be your boyfriend. That’s what got you where you are now. If you can learn to be accepting of the men and situations in your life, you’ll notice that things get a bit easier and you suffer less heartbreak.

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Why Has He Changed? Will he ever be like he was before?

Dear Jess,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, and it’s been really great. When we first started dating he was very effusive with his feelings. He always complimented me, and told me how he was crazy about me. Recently though, he hasn’t been saying those things as much. We still see each other a lot, and his actions haven’t changed but I’m scared that he’s losing interest based on the fact that he doesn’t tell me how he feels anymore. I’ve freaked out on him a couple times over this, hoping he’ll give me what I need but it hasn’t worked. Do you think I should be worried? How do I get him to be like how he was before?

Thank you!<= Feeling worried in Wisconsin

Dear FWIW,

I know you may be freaked out right now but what you are going through is actually very common. Men are hardly ever as verbose and effusive about their feelings as they are when you just start dating them. The reason is that the first stage of falling in love, otherwise know as infatuation, causes massive amounts of dopamine to be released. This creates a temporary high, so to speak. It’s why we can’t concentrate, why we daydream, and why we get excited at the mere mention of that very special someone. While in this state, men typically become extremely emotional beyond their normal state of being. They can’t stop their mouths from spilling about all the wonderful feelings you give them..but as you settle into the relationship, that overflow of emotion tapers a bit, and you may hate to hear this, but that is normal, and not something that really needs changing. You are just moving into another stage, one that is actually closer to real love. This stage doesn’t have your man chasing you down with flowers, candy, and “I love you’s” but it is bringing you to a place of mutual respect, deep appreciation, and true companionship. Accepting this next stage, and not fighting it may be hard for you, as it is for some women. Let me be honest and say though that the trouble may not be that your man isn’t verbal enough, rather that you need constant reassurance. But asking for a guy to reassure you everyday of his feelings will exhaust him. Eventually he will just move on to someone who is less high maintenance.

If your guy shows you affection, is trust worthy and committed, you really need to ask yourself why is it that you need daily affirmations to be happy and relaxed? The truth may be that your own insecurities are driving you while pushing your boyfriend to his brink. So what should you do from here? To maintain a happy and loving relationship you have to focus on giving your boyfriend what he needs from you, instead of dwelling on your self-rooted fears. Try leading by example, and tell your boyfriend how much you love him and care for him. Say it as much as you wish he would say it to you. Often if we be the change we want, we get the change we need.

For more advice from Jess visit her older blogs here.

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