I Blew Up His Phone! Now He Won’t Text Me Back. Help!

Hi Jess,
So there is this guy who I’ve known since high school. We got reconnected after we graduated college and he asked me on several dates and we had a great time. We’ve hung out frequently for several weeks. I made one big mistake and want your advice on damage control if possible. I really do like him and would hate for it to have to end. So one night I decided to have a party at my place; something I haven’t done in a while and invited lots of friends over including the guy I like. He was out with his friends and said he was going to try and come. A few hours into the party, I got very drunk and overloaded his phone with calls and texts asking when he was coming. I haven’t heard from him since. I haven’t tried reaching out to him for fear of it being too soon and making it worse but also I don’t even know what to say. Please help I really wanna try and get him to see it was a genuine drunken mistake and to try and look past it.
– Sincerely
What do I do

Dear WDID,

Have you ever heard the saying, In Vino Veritas? It means, in wine there is truth. So even though you see this as just a drunken mistake, it’s likely that this guy sees this as a character revealing incident. Meaning, he now thinks that being with you, in a relationship, will mean lots of nagging texts and questions about his whereabouts, and possibly nagging about other things like his clothes, choice of friends, career path, etc, etc,. This is much more than just an “oops” on your part, and getting back in his good graces might be very tough now. The best thing you can do is call him and tell him that you are extremely embarrassed at the way you’ve behaved and that you normally don’t drink that much (and then NEVER drink that much again!) Ask if you can take him to lunch for being so obnoxious. Hopefully he will say yes, and you can begin to rebuild what you had. But beware, it’s really hard to undo this type of damage because the number one thing that a man doesn’t want in a relationship is a naggy, needy girlfriend. You’ve basically showed him that you have that side so he’s likely scared to get any further involved with you. Drinking and texting is extremely dangerous so next time, leave your phone out of reach. And if you ever feel the urge again to blow up a guy’s phone, make sure you call one of your girlfriends instead. Think of her like your AA sponsor!

My parting advice: don’t let your “wants” rule you. If he doesn’t do what you want him to do, accept it. Don’t push and try to get your way because you want him to be your boyfriend. That’s what got you where you are now. If you can learn to be accepting of the men and situations in your life, you’ll notice that things get a bit easier and you suffer less heartbreak.

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Why Has He Changed? Will he ever be like he was before?

Dear Jess,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, and it’s been really great. When we first started dating he was very effusive with his feelings. He always complimented me, and told me how he was crazy about me. Recently though, he hasn’t been saying those things as much. We still see each other a lot, and his actions haven’t changed but I’m scared that he’s losing interest based on the fact that he doesn’t tell me how he feels anymore. I’ve freaked out on him a couple times over this, hoping he’ll give me what I need but it hasn’t worked. Do you think I should be worried? How do I get him to be like how he was before?

Thank you!<=
Feeling worried in Wisconsin

Dear FWIW,

I know you may be freaked out right now but what you are going through is actually very common. Men are hardly ever as verbose and effusive about their feelings as they are when you just start dating them. The reason is that the first stage of falling in love, otherwise know as infatuation, causes massive amounts of dopamine to be released. This creates a temporary high, so to speak. It’s why we can’t concentrate, why we daydream, and why we get excited at the mere mention of that very special someone. While in this state, men typically become extremely emotional beyond their normal state of being. They can’t stop their mouths from spilling about all the wonderful feelings you give them..but as you settle into the relationship, that overflow of emotion tapers a bit, and you may hate to hear this, but that is normal, and not something that really needs changing. You are just moving into another stage, one that is actually closer to real love. This stage doesn’t have your man chasing you down with flowers, candy, and “I love you’s” but it is bringing you to a place of mutual respect, deep appreciation, and true companionship. Accepting this next stage, and not fighting it may be hard for you, as it is for some women. Let me be honest and say though that the trouble may not be that your man isn’t verbal enough, rather that you need constant reassurance. But asking for a guy to reassure you everyday of his feelings will exhaust him. Eventually he will just move on to someone who is less high maintenance.

If your guy shows you affection, is trust worthy and committed, you really need to ask yourself why is it that you need daily affirmations to be happy and relaxed? The truth may be that your own insecurities are driving you while pushing your boyfriend to his brink. So what should you do from here? To maintain a happy and loving relationship you have to focus on giving your boyfriend what he needs from you, instead of dwelling on your self-rooted fears. Try leading by example, and tell your boyfriend how much you love him and care for him. Say it as much as you wish he would say it to you. Often if we be the change we want, we get the change we need.

For more advice from Jess McCann.com visit her older blogs here.

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What Every Girl Should Know About Hooking Up….

This blog is an oldie but a goodie! I last posted it in 2009, so for anyone who hasn’t read it yet, enjoy!

Your are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”

Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.

And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.

I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.

Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men that they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely, and essentially use them when they want to. Those same women often come crying to me when a man does the same thing to them. These girls bounce back and forth between men that like them but have no interest in, and men that they like but can’t pin down.  Ironically, these women cannot see the writing on the wall when a man is only with them out of convenience. They make up excuses for sporadic behavior. If he doesn’t call for a week, but then suddenly texts while he’s out on a Friday night, they believe it means he’s suddenly come around! He was just busy all week with his stressful work schedule. The truth is that guys will use you in the same way you use them.  In order to find love and happiness you must stop the cycle of use. It’s the most anti-love action possible. How is it fair that you waste that nice boy’s time but then fall to pieces when another guy does it to you? The Universe will absolutely bring you what you deserve and if it knows you are only hanging out with someone because you are lonely, it will not blink at handing you the same scenario. Don’t waste your time on men that are not interested in you and don’t waste someone else’s time either. Getting involved with men who make you chase them can do a terrible number on your self-esteem. Unbalanced and unloving relationships chip away at your heart and by the time you find a guy that really likes you, you don’t know how to act. You don’t know how to really be in a healthy relationship because, thus far, in your past there has only been use. If you don’t like someone, don’t waste their time. And if a guy doesn’t seem crazy about you, do yourself a big favor and just move on to someone who is. What you put out to the world is what you will get back. Be kind and loving to men and they will be kind and loving to you.

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Too Much Fighting? How do you stop the daily bickering with your spouse?

Dear Jess,
I have a problem that I cannot seem to solve. Lately, my husband and I have been getting into a lot of fights with each other over absolutely nothing. The fights start small but blow up into an all out, days long, brawl. I know fighting can be healthy, but the kind of fighting we are doing can’t be good. Yet, it just keeps happening. For instance, the other day my husband and I were driving somewhere and suddenly he yelled, “Get over! You’re not supposed to be in this F’ing lane! What are you doing?!?” To which I snapped back, “Can you just let me drive?!” And he said, “No, I obviously can’t because your not doing it correctly.” And I said, “Who died and made you president of the DMV? If I’m driving badly it’s your fault for stressing me out!”
The fight snowballed from there and we didn’t speak for three days. I just don’t know why we get so mad at each other and how to stop it. Any advice?
Thanks,
Fighting in Frederick

Hi FIF,
Sorry to hear this. Fighting is only good when it’s productively resolving a serious issue, and whether or not you are a bad driver doesn’t sound like one to me. If you really want to stop these petty arguments, you are going to have to be the bigger person and not indulge when your hubby kicks them off. Like most people, it sounds like you are both arguing with each other just to save face, and not to defend any particular position. If you notice that a large part of your bickering consists of making the other person wrong or feel bad, then you aren’t arguing – you are just criticizing and condemning. The first step for you is to not jump on an opportunity to chastise your husband because he last chastised you. Then, what will be even more difficult is to not engage the next time he wags his finger at you for something trivial. For example if he yells, “Get over! You’re not supposed to be in this F’ing lane. What are you doing?!” Instead of yelling back, remain calm and give him the opportunity to hear his own words loudly echo in the air. Don’t respond verbally. Just sigh, turn on your blinker, and get over. Let his words and be the last ones he hears so he can realize how obnoxious, angry, or hurtful they sound. If you yell back he won’t get that because he will hear your words instead which only provoke him to keep arguing. I know you are likely snapping back and him because you don’t want him to think he can scream at you and get away with it, but the truth is, that is why you end up in a screaming match. It will be more effective if you use silence instead of any words. Then, keep your conversation with him to a minimum for the next hour or so. Answer if he talks to you, but let your attitude be clear – you aren’t happy with him.

You don’t need to vocally meet your husband half way to teach him a lesson. You’ll get through to him much quicker if you don’t engage when his temper flies high. Just realize that when he comes at you with tongues a blazing, it isn’t because of something you are doing – it’s because he’s in a bad mood. And when most people are in a mood, they try their best to suck other people into it, too. Let him be in the mood all by himself. Let him feel isolated and alone for his remarks. This is how he will recognize the error of his way and help you to end the frequent feuding.

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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The 3 Reasons You Keep Attracting The Wrong Guys

loveorlosingYou can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?

1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better.  If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.

2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that.  Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t.  This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart.  The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing.  The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.

3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have.  You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.

If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.

Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!

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Can You Show A Guy Your Somber Side? Will he still like you if you aren’t always happy and positive?

Jordie_NASDear Jess,

In order to improve my dating, I read a lot of self-help books and dating advice (including your awesome books!). I’ve learned a lot, but I’m starting to sense a theme that goes something like this:
In order to attract a man, you need to be so confident and positive that he’ll want to be around you all the time.

Obviously, there is a kernel of truth to that — it’s important to be confident and positive because those traits attract high-quality men. But nobody can exude confidence and positivity all the time. Sometimes I worry that no man will like me if I express any negativity. What if I have a bad day? What if the guy I’m dating does something annoying, or my best friend’s mother dies, or someone rear-ends my car at a red light? How do I strike a balance between positive and real and still keep a man’s interest (and my sanity)?

Thanks,
Not Always Smiling

Hi NAS,

While it is true that attracting a man does take a certain amount of confidence and positivity, I think there are two very important distinctions to be made here. First, keep in mind that these traits are important for attracting a man, meaning they are most necessary when you want to capture a guys attention – a guy who does not yet know you. Of course, once you get to know someone you will have bad days and should share them, but you don’t want to unload your problems on someone who just asked if they could buy you a drink. Second, there is a big difference between opening up about your feelings and showing emotion when things are not going well, and acting if the world is ending when one of life’s little problems pops up. I’ll take your example of someone rear ending your car. There are some people that would overreact in a negative way to having minor car accident – one that doesn’t result in anything but a scratched bumper. They might wallow in misery for the rest of the day and then get angry about it until the following week. One client of mine said she cancelled the rest of her day and called her boyfriend screaming, cursing, and crying when she accidentally backed into a parking meter. This kind of all encompassing negativity is what these books are warning against. Yes, life is going to hand you lemons sometimes, and while you don’t always have to make lemonade, if you want to keep a guy interested, you shouldn’t hurl those lemons at him. Expressing that you’ve had a hard work day, that someone close to you has passed, or even telling the person you’re involved with that picking their toenails really turns you off, doesn’t have to be a ugly or forlorn conversation. You are certainly allowed to be sad, get annoyed or angry and it won’t make men run from you as long as your delivery is appropriate and your relationship, solid.

The worst thing you can do is not tell the man you are dating why you are feeling down in the dumps. Pretending that everything is okay when clearly it’s not, often leads men to diagnose women as crazy or premenstrual. If you are going through a tough time, you should share that with your partner, rather than bottle it up and put on an unconvincing act. If you think you are saving your partner from listening to your woes, think again. Men want to know what’s bothering you. They want to help. They want to listen. You just have to communicate your feelings in the best way possible and for a lot of people, that can be hard. If you don’t, however, your sadness or frustration will come out some other way. You don’t want to burst into tears when your boyfriend asks you to pass the ketchup, because he really will think you’re a bit unbalanced if a condiment can upset you. Add the words, “I’m feeling..” to your vocabulary and use them. It’s totally fine to say, “I’m feeling a bit sad today because…” or “I’m feeling a little frustrated today and here is why…” You would be surprised at how just using those words to preface your feelings can make a big difference in how you communicate.

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Scared to Smile at Him? How to fight the fear and use your SEE factor!

Dating Expert gives tips, dating coach, relationship coaching, relationship coachHi Jess,
I want to say thank you. I just finished reading your book “You Lost Him At Hello”…for the second time! I didn’t realize how many things I have been doing wrong this whole time. I have always been perplexed as to why the men that I was not that interested in pursued me aggressively, meanwhile the men I was VERY interested in NEVER pursued me that way. I have spent years frustrated! Now I know it was my behavior that set the tone. Another issue I struggle with and continue to struggle with due to my fear of rejection (or fear of eyeing up another girl’s man) is the SEE factor. Do you have any advice on how to get past that fear? I am terrified that if I smile and make eye contact with a guy, he will just give me a cold stare or look away, or his girlfriend or wife will come back from the bathroom!!

Your book has definitively opened my eyes up and has given me fantastic insight into dating. Thank you so much for writing such a comprehensive, educational and enjoyable book!

Hi there!

Thank you so much for all your kind words about my book. I am so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful!
Your fear is one that is shared by many women, as I am asked this question all the time! The first thing I’ll tell you is that smiling at people, not just men, is a way for us to give love to the world. Can you imagine walking around outside and everyone has a smile on their face? How nice would that be? When you smile at someone, it’s you giving love to them in a small way and that is nothing but a nice thing! Think about how good you feel when someone smiles at you. In the romantic sense, you have to think of your smile, not as a come on, but as just a friendly gesture to a guy. Don’t make your smile something more than what it is. It’s just a smile. End of story.

Secondly, don’t worry so much about yourself, and think more about how you will make someone else feel by smiling at them. Instead of worrying about being rejected, think about how you will be brightening another persons’ day (or night) by using your SEE Factor. Men love when women smile at them! It makes them happy and even feel flattered. You have the power to make someone feel appreciated and relevant. Focus on that, and not on what may or may not happen from it. If, in the off chance, you smile at someone who does not reciprocate, you cannot think of it as a rejection because most of the time it isn’t. Typically, if someone doesn’t smile back it’s because you’ve caught them off guard or they couldn’t believe you were smiling at them and not the guy sitting behind them. It could happen that you smile at a guy who’s a bit of jerk and thinks too highly of himself to smile back, but then he’s the fool, not you. You can’t deprive other people of your smile because you are afraid to smile at the one jack-ass in a sea of good guys. As for your fear of smiling at someone who’s already involved in a relationship, remember that you are just being friendly! You aren’t passing the guy your phone number or even trying to spark a conversation. If he’s single, he will respond to you. If his taken, and his girlfriend pops out from under the table, you have still done nothing wrong.

And last, use your SEE factor on as many guys and girls as possible. If you practice smiling at almost everyone, when that one interesting man crosses your path, it won’t be so difficult to muster up the courage. A well oiled smile comes easy!

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Why Do I Love “The Chase”? : The reason some women love a challenge

Hi Jess,

I read your post about “The Chase” (and being dissatisfied when it’s over once the guy you’ve been pursuing shows genuine interest- like I thought I wanted!) That’s my issue. I want to know where you think this stems from and how I can correct that mindset (if I should) so that I can be in a happy, healthy, lasting relationship (not just with men, but with people in general). I didn’t always have this subconscious mindset, and I can’t remember when it changed, or if it was there all along and only in recent years I’ve become aware of it.

Thanks so much for your time.

Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

I’ll start by answering your questions in reverse order. First off, no you didn’t always have this mindset. It is not something any of us are born with, but it is something that frequently develops overtime. You asked if you should break it? Well, let’s put it this way, if you don’t stop being dissatisfied with men who are interested in you, that means you either won’t ever get married or you will marry someone that does not genuinely like you. Both sound like unfavorable outcomes, don’t you think? If you want a happy, healthy, relationship then as obvious as this sounds, you need to be happy and healthy yourself. This mentality, which I call The Curse, and is the subject of my third book, causes you to only look for what is not right or what is not happening in your life. This mindset keeps you focused on that which is lacking, completely disregarding what you already have or what is easy to come by. Why? One, because we live in an instantly gratifying world and especially if we’ve had parents that contribute to this mentality by either giving us whatever we want, or the opposite, making us always want from them. We have trained our minds to be this way for so long that by the time we are adults it is just automatic. The minute we obtain something we spend little time in a state of gratitude for it, and instead, immediately jump to, “what else?” or “what’s next?”. This is what leads us to chasing men. Once a guy likes you, you don’t spend any time appreciating him because you have not learned to be grateful in your own life. The second reason is that this Cursed mindset doesn’t really seek love. It only seeks validation of self. Meaning, you think you are looking for love, but what you are really looking for is a boost in self-esteem. And men who lavish you with interest are nice for a day, but after just a short time, you get restless with them because you know they like you and that boost they initially gave you has waned. So you go looking for someone else. Someone who won’t let that feeling fade for you. A guy that keeps stringing you along for instance. One who’s interest ebbs and flows. This kind of man will constantly keep you chasing him and therefore, every time you have a small win with him (like he calls after so many days of not calling), your self-esteem gets another boost.

How do you break this mindset so that you can get married, have babies, and ride off happily into the sunset? I won’t lie to you. It is a process that takes time. There are many ways to break the Curse. The first way is just to simply be aware of it. Next time a man disappears on you, or lets you down, instead of thinking, “what can I do to get him re-interested?” (which is you looking for validation of yourself and your worth), think, “this guy is obviously flaky and I’m seeing a flaw in his character.” Likewise, the next time a guy shows you he likes you, instead of thinking “ugh, he’s too into me”, think, “I’m so grateful that he appreciates me and that someone really likes me!”

Be aware in other aspects of your life were your thoughts gravitate to what you don’t have. With your job. Your friends. Your wardrobe. Your body. If you are the type that is always shopping because you never have enough, always gossiping because you thrive on drama, or always pursuing the next job, promotion, award, or accolaide, it it very possibly that you are also only attracted to men (or women) who aren’t available and really don’t care about you.  Being cogniscient of your thought patterns will help you slowly change them and begin to break the horrible mindset of the Curse.

For more on The Curse, check my website or amazon periodically. It is scheduled to be released later this year.

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Why Won’t He Call It A Relationship?

datingquestionpicDear Jess,

I just read your book, WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID. I have been dating a man for 5 months. Right away he told me he wasn’t looking for a committed relationship and I told him I wasn’t either. Honestly, I do want that but I just didn’t want to lose him by telling him. Now it’s been several months and he is still hung up on not wanting a commitment even though we act like a couple. We see each other on a regular basis, spend weekends together, and have even vacationed in Hawaii. I know he is not seeing anyone else. Really, we are in a relationship, but he refuses to really acknowledge it.  He texts and emails me everyday to say good morning and good night. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t talk.   How do I get him to commit exclusively and call this what it is… a relationship!

Thank you!

Confused in Kentucky

Dear Confused,

Here is the good news. You are correct. You are in a relationship. Here is the bad news. It’s not the kind of relationship you want. If this man is verbally telling you that he doesn’t want to commit to you, then it means he wants to have the ability to walk away whenever he feels like it. It does not matter that he spends all his time with you now, because “the now” is not his concern. The concern is “later”, as in next month, next year, or five years from now. He is happy with you at the moment but unsure how he will feel tomorrow, and that is why he won’t commit. Is that because of you, or is it because he’s just that type of guy? The best way to find out the answer is look at the rest of his life outside his relationship with you. Does he have a problem committing to other people, such as his friends or family? Does he back out of plans often or wait to the last minute to make them? Does he agonize over major purchases because buying a house or a car is a long term commitment in itself? If the answer is yes, you are probably just dealing with a commitment phobic guy that needs more than a little nudge from you to tie the knot. Therapy may help, but many commitment-shy guys never really learn to fully settle down…even if they get married!

If, however, you find that he is solid in other areas and doesn’t have trouble committing to anything else, the problem may be specific to you and your relationship. If that is the case, your only recourse is to have a serious heart to heart with him and discuss what you want and need from him.  If you continue to see him, and sleep with him, while still holding your tongue, you will only grown more resentful as time goes by. What’s worse is that you are likely going to put all your time, energy, and heart into someone that won’t stick with you when tough times hit.  Do yourself a favor and own up to what you want.  You should be more afraid of what will happen if you don’t say something, than if you do!

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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Posted in abusive relationships, Am I in a relationship of convenience?, Dating and Relationship Book, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment