The 3 Reasons You Keep Attracting The Wrong Guys

Posted on April 18, 2013 by jessmccann

loveorlosingYou can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?

1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better.  If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.

2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that.  Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t.  This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart.  The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing.  The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.

3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have.  You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.

If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.

Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!

 For more advice blogs, click here.

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The Love-Hate Relationship: Why women want to be with men who frustrate them

Posted on March 13, 2013 by jessmccann

newlovehateWhen a girl likes a guy, she will put up with a lot. Flaking on phone calls, cancelling plans, and even dropping hints that a long term relationship may not be in the cards. Every day I receive emails from women who are desperately seeking advice on how to deal with the object of their affection and frustration. While I can give tips and techniques on how to get him to initiate more texts, or how to have that relationship talk, the real question here is why do so many women want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly frustrates and disappoints them?

1. You Only Really Like The Outside. He may be 6’2, drive a Benz, and have a wicked cute smile, but he also cancels at the last minute, waits days to call, and keeps you on edge at all times.  You want him, but you also can’t stand him and that is because you are smitten with the exterior package he portrays. Sure, he’s good looking, charming, and funny, but those are all surface level qualities and what matters most when deciding to get involved with a man is his core character. Is he a man of his word? Is he someone who puts others first? Does he treat all people with the same respect? Most importantly, how does he make you feel when you’re with him? As I talk about in my book, Was It Something I Said?: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas, these are the more important things to consider, so when you are frustrated by your guy, ask yourself if what’s going on here is that you love the outside but hate what’s inside? Even though you may be wildly attracted to him now, after a few years of being with a man who lacks character, you won’t care how cute his butt looks in those jeans. You won’t be able to stand the sight of him.

2. He’s A Prize To Be Won. You’ve already invested a few months and although things aren’t exactly going well, you’ll be damned if you give up and walk away now. But your quest to officially land him has become more about validating yourself than it is about finding true love. When we get involved with people who are selfish or unreliable (for example) it make us question are worth. It shouldn’t, because it’s not our fault a guy lacks character, but for some reason we tell ourselves that if he liked us more, he’d behave better. So getting him to change his ways is secretly about regaining our own self-image. If we get him to like us, we think we’ll feel confident again. Sadly, however, it’s not only a lost cause because a leopard doesn’t change his spots, but when we put our self-worth in anyone’s hands but our own, it will never be safe.

3. You’re addicted To “Wanting” A Relationship.  Yes, it is a real addiction just like drugs, alcohol, or designer shoe shopping. You can become addicted to wanting a relationship. Therefore you subconsciously pick people that will never give you one, and reject people that you know want one from you! After years of riding the relationship roller coaster with men, you’ve become addicted to the high’s and low’s. The safe, stable, ground seems boring and uninteresting to you. Unfortunately, real love does not feel like your riding Magic Mountain, so if you keep chasing the “wanting” feeling, you’ll never get to the real good stuff.

If you are only attracted to the wrong types of guys and constantly find yourself never satisfied with your relationships, it may be time to seek professional advice. You can contact me through my website for personal coaching, or you can pick up my two books on Amazon or at any book store.

To read more of my advice blogs, click here.

The photo above is provided by Freedigitalphotos.net/By marin, published on 11 November 2012 Stock photo – image ID: 100112062

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Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann

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Why Ashlee Fraizer was eliminated: It was all in her KISS

Posted on February 23, 2013 by jessmccann

On Monday night’s episode of the Bachelor, AshLee Fraizer will be eliminated.  Although she is by far the most mature and level headed bachelorette of the group (her age of 32 may have a lot to do with that) there is something that AshLee was not wise to throughout her journey for love… She was unaware of the fact that she was a terrible kisser. I don’t mean that in the literal sense, as I saw her and Sean lock lips several times and he looked quite happy about it. I’m talking about the fact that AshLee didn’t use her K.I.S.S. principle. When talking to Sean or about Sean, she never Kept It Short and Simple. She didn’t just tell Sean how she felt, she gushed about it. AshLee had a sad story, no doubt about it, but in some ways she used Sean as her way to find that final happy ending for herself. That would have been fine, if she had waited until she got the final rose and got that happy ending first! Telling a man that he’s the love of your life and that you trust him completely is appropriate when you know he feels the same way. If you don’t,  you must keep your thoughts and feelings short and simple so you don’t create imbalance in your relationship and end up scaring him away. What AshLee could have said to Sean was, “I like you a lot. I have a great time when I’m with you” instead of “I trust this man completely. I’m head over heels.” She gushes to Sean and about Sean, and frankly when you are just dating someone, and especially if he is dating other people, you just have to keep your amorous expressions short and simple.

Don’t misunderstand me, however. Men need you to tell them how you are feeling. Look at what happened to Lesley Murphy.  In the “Sean Tells All” episode last week he admits that had she told him how she was feeling, things would have been different! “It would have been a game-changer,” said Sean. That tells you right there that you do have to tell a guy how you are feeling, but it is all in the delivery.

How and when you tell a man what you are feeling are the two most important points to consider. Lesley didn’t time it right, and AshLee didn’t deliver it appropriately. Some girls have a really hard time reading a man and knowing what the right words to say are. In my book, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas, I not only talk about using the K.I.S.S. principle to ensure that you aren’t overly effusive with your feelings, I also advise using the Mirror Theory so that you keep your words and actions in balance with his.  If he says, “I really care about you”, you reply with, “I really care about you, too.” You mirror his words, it’s just that simple. If he “cares” about you, but you “love” him, he will undoubtedly feel pressure because you’ve just told him that your feelings surpass his. Then, not only is the pursuit of you over because he knows your feelings are stronger than his, he now has the added stress of figuring out his long term feelings right away. If you love him after all, he knows that you are a week or two a way from wanting a commitment from him.  No woman can love a man and still just date him without repercussions (jealousy, insecurity, long talks about feelings, etc.)

My prediction is that Catherine will win because she has the most balanced approach with Sean. She’s fun and shows him how she feels about him, but she doesn’t over do it.  That’s where you need to be when you are just dating someone – not too hot, not too cold, just right in the middle.

Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or chose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

 Why He Chose Her Over You?

   How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

    Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

               What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

         Is He Losing Interest?

 

Also by Jess McCann

Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,

 You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches

To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann

 

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The Bachelor’s Tierra : Misunderstood or Miss Mega Bitch?

Posted on February 8, 2013 by jessmccann

Actually it’s neither. If you are wondering why Tierra acts the way she does, I can tell you why with certainty. She is not a bad person. She truly believes what she says when she declares, “They are all so mean to me! I haven’t done anything!” The problem is that Tierra has something that many women suffer from. After all, we all know women like her, don’t we? Attention needy, competitive, defensive, but then can be sweet as pie. You may wonder why some girls act like this, and if they are even conscious of their behavior. The answer is, no. They don’t know how they come across, because they have what I call, the Curse.  No it’s not a spell, it’s just what I used to describe this mental state because it not only brings out a dark side, it also prevents people from finding love. Most Cursed women don’t know why their relationships never work out, so they usually say, “I must be cursed!” Hence the name.

The Curse is hard to explain in a 500 word blog, but in a nutshell, when you are Cursed, you only think about yourself and you only see things from your viewpoint. It’s almost impossible to see things from another person’s perspective. You may know people like this, but they only act self-centered some of the time. Their Curse may just come out in certain instances, like when boys are around, or when they are in competition at work, or perhaps when it comes to grades at school (and who knows, maybe Tierra’s Curse only surfaces while on Reality T.V.) But, suddenly your sweet best friend, becomes a darker version of themselves. You think, “What happened? Why did she change? Why does she get like this in these circumstances?” Well, that’s the Curse.

I guarantee that when Tierra was little she was a different person than she is now. As children, we are not Cursed. But as we grow up and experience life, the Curse slowly descends upon us. One way the Curse gets us is through our parents. Perhaps we were told over and over that we are SO beautiful and perfect, that when we went out into the world and others did not praise us similarly, we felt disappointed and disliked. When parents are too doting, they don’t realize they are teaching their children to receive love only, and not to give it. If this is Tierra’s case, she would then try her whole life to get love from a man…at any cost.

The Curse also happens when you are abandoned as a child, or neglected. You want love so bad that when you grow up, it is the only thing you want, and you will stop at nothing to get it. However, you again, are seeking only to receive love because you have not figured out that you actually have it to give.

Either way you get the Curse, your perspective of the world is seen through your own self-focused vision, and you are unable to be objective or put yourself in other people’s shoes.  You believe good or bad, everything has to do with you – so you take everything personally. It’s what makes someone like Tierra act the way she does. Cursed individuals get their feelings hurt very easily and they crave attention constantly. The Curse always wants more for itself so you are never at peace. Cursed people often vacillate between feeling entitled and feeling victimized but it can often turn someone into a People Pleaser as well. You might think being a Pleaser is a selfless quality, but think again. The reason People Pleasers please is because the want something from you – attention, love, acceptance. So although it seems they are doing a good deed for another, the motivation is to gain something for themselves. Most forms of the Curse stem from craving attention from others, which is often confused with love. Those that are Cursed but not seeking attention, are living in a state of avoiding it out of fear of criticism or rejection.

Again, Tierra does not know how she comes off, and truly believes she’s being attacked for no reason other than jealousy. I guarantee she WANTS to be a good person who is likable, but as typical with all Cursed people, she does not know how. When you are Cursed, you’ve been thinking a certain way for so long, that you don’t know anything else. You are trapped in a thought-pattern you can’t break. And the real you is buried down deep inside and will not come out until you make a change to break the Curse.

Here are some signs of the Curse (they vary in people):

  • You don’t have a lot of friends, or you change friends a lot. You may not even have a real best friend.
  • Your relationships never work out. Usually they end in disaster.
  • You are attracted to selfish people, users, or abusers. You only attract others who are Cursed.
  • Deep down you feel like the world is against you.
  • Deep down you feel like you are owed something.
  • You worry that people will try to take advantage of you.
  • You feel like others try to beat you or are in constant competition with you.
  • You believe you are special, and more deserving than others.
  • You only befriend people that you can benefit from. Or you only befriend people that need you and make you feel good about yourself.
  • You shop a lot and find yourself wanting to buy things all the time.
  • You constantly worry that others don’t like you.
  • You constantly worry about how you are coming off.

 

This is just a short list of how the Curse manifests itself. If you are single, or in an unhappy relationship, and think you might be Cursed there is a way to change things. The Curse can absolutely be broken. I know, because I broke mine. If you are looking for the love of your life, and feel hopeless about ever finding him or her, consider personal coaching with me. You can contact me through my website with questions or to sign up for a session.

I will be releasing my next book, “The Curse: Why you don’t have the love you want” next year. Until then, please enjoy my other two books!

Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,   Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating book

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How to make a move on him: Advice for successfully approaching a guy first!

Posted on February 7, 2013 by jessmccann

The follow is an excerpt of an article I wrote for www.datingadvice.com

If you’ve read most dating books, you know a long-standing cardinal rule is to let the guy approach you first. However, with advances in modern technology have come advances in modern-day dating.

Most men would now prefer a woman to say hello, or at least display some sign of interest in chatting with them.

If you have your eye on a guy and want to strike up a conversation, here a few easy tips on the best way to do so!

1. Give him a sign.

Playing aloof and avoiding a man’s stare stopped working years ago, so if you are still holding on to the old “play hard to get” proverb when it comes to men approaching you, it’s no wonder you’re still single.

Men these days need a sign that you are interested.

In my book, “You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to ‘I Do,’” I advise women to use a technique called the S.E.E. Factor.

It stands for Smile, Eye Contact, Energy.

You can use it anywhere and with any guy you fancy. Just smile, lock eyes for a full two to three seconds and exude a good, positive energy.

This will send him the message you are not only open to a conversation, but you are available for one (i.e. you aren’t taken by another man!)

Most guys fear rejection, so the S.E.E. Factor will give them the confidence they need to say hello.

2. Break the ice.  

While it may be hard for you to even imagine initiating a conversation with a guy, it’s actually quite easy and effective. I, myself, met my husband by talking to him first.

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You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from One of America’s Top Dating Coaches

Posted on February 5, 2013 by jessmccann

Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,Are you destined to be single forever? Even if it feels that way now, the reality is simple. No!

But to meet the man of your dreams, the guy you’ve been waiting for your whole life,  you need to think with more than just your heart. You need the secret strategies of a smart dating coach.

Out today on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere, You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to “I Do”: Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, has been the book to help single woman across the globe find and meet the love of their lives. Now this popular and proven guide has been revised and expanded with success stories and new techniques to help you find the guy that’s right for you – but more importantly to help you keep him once you do.

It was only a few years ago that I was a desperately seeking single myself. I didn’t understand why men never approached me, or why a first date didn’t result in a second. In college I had a bevvy of bad relationships that all left me sad and confused, prompting the question that most women ask themselves at some point in their lives: What’s wrong with me?

Lucky for me, just when all hope seemed lost, a revelation occurred and everything changed. I discovered a formula for dating that showed me how to better handle the tricky get-to-know-you phase and guided me towards commitment. Dates turned into relationships, and boys turned into boyfriends.  In the past I used to agonize over every move I made. What should I say? When should I call? How should I act?  With my new found strategy, however, I gained the confidence to take control of my relationships, and trust that if I stayed the course, it would lead me to a happy ending…

And it did.

If you are ready for a change in your love life, I can help you. Over the last several years I have studied and perfected a strategy that has helped guide women through the dating process and deliver them safely on the other side. The strategy will not only help you date smarter and find love faster, it will also protect you from making common mistakes that could easily sabotage your chances for a solid relationship. In You Lost Him at Hello you will find techniques that will help you:

* Find men and have them approach you (yes, there is a way!)

* Learn to read his signs of interest so you know if and when you should make a move

* End your date at the “Height of Impulse” so he will want to see you again

* How to actually “be yourself” around him – even though you are nervous!

* The number one technique that most women don’t do that will lead you to love this year

Stop making the same mistakes over and over again and start getting results. You Lost Him at Hello is every single girls secret weapon.

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating bookJess McCann is also the author of the books, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas (Globe Pequot, January 2013). She is an international dating and relationship coach who works with men and women all over the world, teaching them how to rid themselves of long standing habits that prevent them from finding love, and shows them how to move forward. To learn more about the coaching process, visit her at www.jessmccann.com

  Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or chose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

                   How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up?

                                                   Why He Chose Her Over You?

                                                        How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

                                                           Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

                                                           What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

                                                          Is He Losing Interest?

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Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings? : The 3 things you should know about loving your guy

Posted on January 30, 2013 by jessmccann
Dating tips, dating men, single woman

Freedigitalphotos.net | photostock

I remember in high school the very distinct feeling that I would never understand men. The boys I had dated long-term in both high school and college sent me such conflicting messages that I truly believed men simply didn’t have emotions. Not like women did, anyway. After all, how can you tell someone you love them one day, and then blow them off to party with your friends the next? It seemed I was always waiting to hear how the guy felt, what he thought, and where he deemed our relationship was going.  Everything was on the guys terms because I cared too much and wanted to work through anything, while they took their time mulling over the pros and cons of being with me. It was frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. I remember thinking, how in the world can I sustain a relationship with any man if they aren’t as emotionally invested as I am?!

Luckily, after I graduated college, I met and dated a boy that showed me that not all men are cut from the same cloth. He was sweet, fun, and the first real relationship I had ever had. And thanks to him, my previous philosophy on men being void of emotion completely changed. I realized there would be men in the world that would match my emotional investment, and I learned a few very key insights that helped me continue through the dating world, and end up happily married to my wonderful husband today. Had my mentality not changed on this, I might still be dating in circles right now.

Here is what I want to pass on to women who feel as I did back then.

1. Men need reassurance. I realize now, looking back, that I never really gave any love to my high school old boyfriend. I was brought up that men needed to treat me with respect. I was told they were lucky to be with me, and that I needed to keep them in pursuit. In essence, I just had to “be” in the relationship to make the guy happy and my job ended there. My poor BF brought me flowers, wrote me love notes, and met me after every class. What did I do for him? Complained if he had to stay late at practice, or decided to eat lunch with his friends one day out of the week. Sadly, it didn’t dawn on me until later in life that my job wasn’t to just receive love from a guy, it was to give love to him, too. And that included positive affirmations of my feelings – which I never gave anyone because it was drilled into my head that I was to keep them in hot pursuit at all times. But at some point, the chase has to end for the relationship to really begin.

2. Not all men are created equal. Yes, there are guys out there that are jerks, players, or narcissists, and they do not know how to be in a relationship with anyone. But there are also men that are kind, loving, supportive, yet still strong and masculine. I went into a lot of my younger relationships expecting to be let down and hurt because that is what the guy before and the guy before did. However, assuming this made me defensive and suspicious. In other words, a real joy to be around! I spent a lot of time overreacting to certain situations that warranted no reaction at all because I just assumed all men were the same. If one had wronged me in the past, it was only a matter of time that the current one would too. Letting go of the “all men are the same” mantra was one of the biggest feats my younger self ever had and one that changed the course of my relationships going forward.

3. I could take the lead sometimes. I remember thinking that whoever I was with was not only less emotional but somehow smarter or more together than I was. I assumed that the logical male mind meant that all men had a plan and any proposal that I came up with would only be secondary to theirs. It wasn’t until dating around in my early twenties that I realized there were a good deal of men that were (and I say this lovingly), clueless. And sometimes guys just want you to take charge and tell them what you want instead of always having the responsibility of doing the planning. It doesn’t matter if we are talking dinner plans or financial plans. Men don’t have all the answers. Assuming they did always made me upset when they didn’t fully take charge, because I assumed it was due to lack of interest in me. Now I know, some guys just need direction on things. In fact, most of the good ones, want your direction at least half the time.

If you want to ask me personal question about your relationship, you can contact me through my website or you can ask on Twitter. Follow me @iamjessmccann to ask about your own dating dilemma.

If you want to learn more about how to interact with the guy you are in a relationship with, check out my newest book, “Was It Something I Said? The answer to all your dating dilemmas” for advice on how to get through uncomfortable conversations and sticky situations.

To continue on to my blog, click here.

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating book  Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,

Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

 Why He Chose Her Over You?

   How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

    Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

                                                                                                        What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

                                                                                                            Is He Losing Interest?

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Interview with a dating coach: Jess McCann sits down with social media madam Pamela Sorensen

Posted on January 29, 2013 by jessmccann

The following is a teaser from an article on Pamela’s Punch.

Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Jess McCann, Was it Something I Said? You Lost Him at HelloAsk any woman her opinion on the state of dating in this town and unless she’s a 22 year old, 5’11″, 110 lb runway model, she’ll most likely scowl, roll her eyes and give you an emphatic “It’s a cesspool” or “I just returned from freezing my eggs.” Frankly, for my friends in LA to Boston, and Chicago to San Francisco, dating … and I mean dating with the intent to find MR. / MISS RIGHT (not just right now), is about as easy as making apple pie. Following a recipe. In Japanese. If you are French. Why else is the woeful journey to the center of romance a zillion dollar industry? Because it’s hard and WE. NEED. HELP.

I admit when I was in my most recent serious relationship, I felt no favor toward those who were whirling dervishes in Singledom. Mainly because I’d spent over ten years there, and my friends (and even those whom I’d just met), only lamented on the sad state of men. I’d listen, and then turn to my then boyfriend and say, “Oh, thank goodness we are together. I’d just HATE to be back out there again.” Then real life continued… Since the last time I had a serious boyfriend was years ago, I was out of practice in figuring out how to manage being in a real relationship. By the time I had figured how to get back in the saddle and ride with out falling off, it was over. So now I get to return to the other side. The dark side. Now I am looking to remember just how to DATE.

Enter Jess McCann, dating coach, author of now two books, one of which is being re-relased Feb 5th.  The first time I laid eyes on this blond, tall, slender beauty, I wasn’t totally convinced I’d be able to learn much from her. It was years ago when I was a dating queen, and she seemed to be too much “pretty girl-next-door” type. Too sweet. Then I read her book “You Lost Him at Hello” and was like, um, what a smart woman! Fast forward to today, when I realize her new book was going to be launching, and I was suddenly single. Hello UNIVERSE.

So Jess and I meet for coffee at Arlington’s EuroMarket … continue reading full article.

Continue to my blogs

For advice on how to approach a guy, when to add him as a friend, and how to turn that late night sext message into something more, check out my books at Barnes and Noble or Amazon.com
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Should I text him? How long should I wait if he took a week to contact me?

Posted on January 10, 2013 by jessmccann
Should I text him, Should I call him, How long should I wait to text him

This photo is courtesy of Adamr/Freedigitalphotos.net

Dear Jess, Last week I gave a guy my number. It took him six days to
contact me, but he finally sent me a text. How long do I have to wait to respond to him?

I’m a fan of applying old-school rules to new technology, so the first time a guy reaches out to you, you should wait at least twenty-four hours to respond. It does not matter if he texts, calls, e-mails, or instant messages. Whatever mode of communication he chooses still warrants the same reply time. Having difficulty with that? Think of it this way: Ever since you gave him your number six days ago, you’ve been staring at your phone, recapping the night you met him, second guessing his interest, and undoubtedly doubting yourself, what has he been doing? Going to the gym, seeing his friends, and, oh yeah, not calling you. As you’ve been sitting there in a quiet panic, wondering if you were going to hear from him, he’s been living life worry free. Now that he’s called you, it’s his turn to wait and stress a little. However, if you call or text him back immediately, that won’t happen.

If he actually calls you, do not pick up. Let your voice mail handle things for now and return his call the following day. This isn’t revenge for making you wait—it’s just rebalancing for the greater good of your future relationship.
After you text him back the first time, you are going to have to vary your response tactics. If you religiously wait exactly twenty- four hours each time, he will eventually pick up on your pattern and think you are playing a game. It’s always a good idea to let time pass before you reciprocate a call or text, but if you want to remain a mystery and keep the chase going, the key is to be unpredictable. Text back immediately some of the time but then wait a few hours or a whole day the next. Keep him on his toes by being unpredictable when it comes to your return texts and calls.

What If He Calls and Doesn’t Leave a Message?
Dear Jess, Update! He just called! But for some reason he didn’t leave
a message. Can I call him back?

If you want a guy to know that you have been sitting by the phone eagerly awaiting his call, then by all means, go right ahead and call him back. But consider this first: How do you know that he really meant to call you and this wasn’t just an accidental pocket dial? How embarrassed will you be if you call him and he says that he didn’t really intend to call you? Then all that self-restraint you’ve been exercising will be for nothing. He’ll think, “Wow, I pocket- dialed her and she got so excited she called me!”
For argument sake, let’s say he did purposefully call you and did not leave a voice mail; if you call him back, you will be setting a precedent that he doesn’t ever have to leave you a message. While you may not care about that right now because you are so elated to hear from him, you will care after it happens for the tenth or fifteenth time. He will learn that he can do the bare minimum, and you will still jump to his attention. In essence, you are positively reinforcing bad manners and unconsciously telling him that you aren’t worthy of being properly pursued.
One of my clients constantly struggled with her phone etiquette, too. She would always answer when a guy would call and promptly returned texts no matter what time of day. Eventually men stopped leaving her voice mails because they knew they didn’t need to put in the extra effort. I tried to explain to my client that she needed to break her bad habit, but she would argue that because guys knew she had a cell phone, if she didn’t reply quickly, they would assume she was playing games and get annoyed with her. The irony was that men seemed to get annoyed with her anyway. She was never properly asked out on a date and had a hard time turning the few first dates that she did get into second dates. After reaching her wits’ end, I convinced her to try to reform her ideas on mobile communication. Guess what happened? More guys called, more left messages, and more asked her for second dates.
In your case, the best thing to do is ignore that missed call. Don’t send your guy a text asking if he called, or reach out to him

I haven’t heard from him in a while, can I send him a casual text saying hello?
Dear Jess, I had three amazing dates with a guy last month, but I
haven’t heard from him since! It’s been over two weeks and I really want to see him. Can I send him a causal, “How are you?” text and see if that gets us reengaged?

If you had three amazing dates and this guy hasn’t called you again, something has happened that a casual text won’t fix. Maybe an ex-girlfriend came back into his life, or perhaps he met someone else. Either way, your reaching out to him isn’t going to change his feelings about you, and making the text “casual” won’t cover up your true intentions. Men are perceptive, and he will undoubtedly know that “How are you?” really means, “Where have you been?”If you absolutely must contact him because you cannot control yourself from doing otherwise, here is my best suggestion:

To continue reading and get my best suggestion for contacting a guy that has disappeared on you, turn to page 13 in my book, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas – download the kindle edition here.

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him backYou have been reading an except from the book. If you have other texting, hook-up, or relationship questions, you will find all the answers plus how to handle sticky situations and tough conversations inside. Check out the Table of Contents.  Or comment below and ask Jess a question about any situation!

 

 Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

 Why He Chose Her Over You?

                                                    How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

                                                    Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

                                                   What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

                                                    Is He Losing Interest?

 

 

Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,  Also by Jess McCann

 You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches

To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann to ask a dating question!

 

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