Proud To Be Prude: How to flip the script on guys just looking for nude pics, blow jobs, and hook-ups

StockSnap_0MBB2A09JAYou’ve been waiting all day to hear from him. He said he’d text you later and school has been out for almost an hour. Suddenly you hear a chime. Your stomach knots as you lunge for your phone. It’s him! You quickly unlock your home screen and wait for the message to appear. Then you see it.

“Send me a nude”

Your excitement has quickly turned into anxiety. What should you do? You like this guy. You want him to like you. But you don’t feel comfortable sending him a nude photo. You feel stuck because you know how this game usually goes for girls. You can send the pic, risk him passing it around to all of his friends and earn yourself a “slut” label, or deny him, lose his interest and he’ll start telling people you’re prude. Whatever you decide, you feel like you’ve already lost.

What To Do?
Let’s be real. You don’t want to send him a nude photo. You don’t want to send any guy a nude photo. You just want this guy to like you. You want him to be your boyfriend. Hold your hand. Care about you. That’s what you really want. And I’m telling you right now, sending that photo isn’t going to ensure that happens. The more likely scenario is just what you suspected. He will share it with his friends, it will circulate through your high school, and you will probably be slut-shammed like that girl in your Geometry class last week. Knowing this as well as you do should make you feel good about your decision to deny his request. But there is a consequence with that, too. Teenage boys are getting good at manipulating girls into giving them what they want. They know calling you a “prude” can hurt just as much, and they hope that pains you enough to give in.

But you are not a prude. No matter what any guy says. What you are is a girl who won’t be pushed or pressured by a guy into doing something she will surely regret later. And you would regret it. So what’s the best response? Is there anything you can do in order to keep this guys’ interest (because I know you still want it), but somehow prevent him from shaming you with the “prude” put-down?

There are several responses you can give and I’m going to help you with them. But before I lay them out, I want to say one thing. Girls often complain that all guys want from them is sex and that traditional dating is dead. But boys are not all to blame for this. Girls are giving in too easily to their salacious requests, or they are laughing them off which tells a guy that while you aren’t going to grant his wish, you are totally fine with him asking. And if you are fine with it, he will ask again because eventually he knows he will wear you down. The only way to change the dating atmosphere is to demand change, girls. There will always be a few females that will give the rest of us a bad rap, but if you all want to be treated with respect, don’t just whine and complain about it. Do what is necessary to get it!

You can use the replies below not only in response to his nude photo request. If any guy asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with – give him a blow-job, hook-up, have sex, experiment with other girls for his viewing pleasure, try a threesome, etc – these are a few of the ways to handle him.

(I assume all these communications are over text since it’s the most probable scenario.)

He says “Insert over-the-top sexual request” and you reply:

- With nothing

This is very powerful because you cannot be held to anything. Going silent will confuse him for sure, but it will also give him time to think about what he just asked of you and worry about how you’re taking it. Believe me, he doesn’t want to look bad either. You can let your non-response linger all day and night which will have him sweating by morning. Then, when you see him in the hall on your way to class, you can give him a half-smile as if to say, “I’m just going to let that one slide.” Or you can wave to let him know you have moved on from the incident. Either way, it’s not likely he will ask again (unless he’s a total idiot.)

- Seriously?! (with optional frowny face)

If this guy is going to be so bold as to ask you for a picture of your naked body, then you should be just as bold back. You don’t need to explain anything, this reply says it all. If he doesn’t text you again for the rest of the day, mission accomplished. You haven’t lost him. You’ve stood up for yourself and he got the message. He’s withdrawal means he’s feeling sheepish and rethinking his actions. Do not text him again. Wait a day and then act as if all is normal by smiling at him in class, or sending him an icebreaker tomorrow.

The rest of these responses speak for themselves.

- Ugh. Did you really just ask me that? I’m a little disappointed. I thought you were different from other guys.
I’m sorry, you have me mistaken for someone that doesn’t have any brains or morals.
How gentlemanly of you to ask!
Send me a pizza (since we are asking for things we like)
I like you, and since you are asking for that I am guessing you like me too. I’m not going to send you a nude photo, though. (Or give him a blow-job, or whatever else he’s asking.) I’m not prude, I just have standards. If you don’t like me now because of that, I guess I know what yours are.

And if you can’t muster the courage to send any of the above, here is a default response.
– Send a picture like this:

naked.baby    If you want to know how to handle more sticky situations you can read my book, “Was It   Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas” or you can continue reading my blog for advice. Click here to load more blogs.

I’m also a dating and relationship coach, so you can contact me through my contact page to ask about coaching rates in person, over the phone or through email.  If you are a teenager, or a woman under the age of 24, contact me for a special discounted rate (you just need to send a photo of yourself with drivers license for proof of age.)

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“Love Bombing”: The Dangerous Dating Tactic That Can Leave You Brokenhearted

When Jenny met Matt she thought it was true love. Finally, she had found a guy that did everything right. He would text her every day, pick her up at her house, pay for all their dinners, make plans in advance, and lavish her with compliments. He was perfect and after just three weeks, he was already saying those three little words.

So imagine Jenny’s surprise when after six weeks of dating, things started to change. The daily texts stopped first, and she began reaching out to him instead. Then the planning in advance came to a halt and it was all last minute, or late night get- togethers to “watch Netflix and Chill”. And finally, the amorous professions of love ended, and Jenny was left wondering where they stood.

“I feel like I need to have the DTR talk,” Jenny said to me one day. (That’s slang for Determine the Relationship.)
“I don’t think so,” I told her. “I think you know where your relationship stands. The question is, are you okay with it?”
“I was okay with it when he was paying more attention to me. Now I feel like I’m just there. How do I get him to be like he was before?” She asked me.
“Jenny, you’ve been “Love Bombed.” And the only thing you can do now is either accept the relationship for where it is now, or don’t accept it and move on.”

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is when a guy attempts to win you over with over-the-top displays of attention and affection, but then, after a matter of weeks that all stops. Love Bombing happens frequently in today’s culture because technology makes it so easy to “bomb” someone with words of affection and future promises without having to do anything more than lift a finger (or more accurately; two thumbs.) Some love bombing is normal. When a guy first meets a girl, and is attracted to her, he will naturally want to impress her by going above and beyond her expectations. As the relationship settles down a bit, and the two become a couple, however, the avid pursuit to “win” her over wanes, but should be replaced by a happy, contented relationship. The problem with Love Bombing happens when either the girl doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, and demands the constant attention and reassurance that Love Bombing provides, or the guy is using “LB” as a technique to sleep with a girl or get her attached to him for his own selfish purposes.

How To Spot A Serial Love Bomber

Jenny eventually learned that Matt was a serial Love Bomber, and routinely came on strong with all his other girlfriends. He wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a habit of coming being overly effusive when he wasn’t yet in a relationship. But not all guys are like Matt, and some will Love Bomb you just to get what they want, and then leave you confused, disappointed, and still very single.

It’s important to be able to know when you are being “Love Bombed” and to remain skeptical if you see any of the following signs within the first few weeks:

– He texts you “Good Morning, Beautiful” every morning and “Good Night, Beautiful” every night, even though you just met (or haven’t met in person.)

– He talks about future plans, vacations, and even marriage and you’ve only been on a handful of dates.

– He comments or likes all your posts the minute you post them.

– In almost every communication with you, he flatters you.

– He professes his feelings right from the start and tells you he’s “never felt this way about anyone” and “can’t believe he met someone (you) that is so beautiful, special, smart, etc” and “knows already that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”

Be wary of Love Bombers because they can reel you in, sleep with you, and move on without hesitation. If you think you are perpetual victim of Love Bombing and need professional help, please email me about coaching at coach@jessmccann.com. Love Bombers are notoriously looking for “soft targets” – women with low self-esteem that they can bomb and manipulate. Don’t let yourself be a victim again.

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Why You Don’t Have A Boyfriend: Could You Have “The Curse?”

Jordie_NASDarcy is a fashion consultant in NYC. Like most people in the fashion industry, she not only works in it, she lives for it. Darcy goes to great lengths to make sure her image is perfect. Every extra penny in her paycheck goes to enhancing her wardrobe or maintaining her appearance. She’s a petite blond with a very outgoing personality; so finding a boyfriend would seemingly be easy for her. But Darcy has been on dozens of first dates in the last two years and none of them have resulted in a second. She is active online and is approached when she is out, but over the last few years a pattern has emerged and the initial attraction she gets from guys never lasts long.
One day Darcy called me in a frenzy.
“It happened again!” She cried hysterically.
“What did?” I asked.
“The guy I went out with last night hasn’t texted me. We had a great time. He was so funny and cute. He even said we should go out again. I don’t understand it. This happens every time I go out with someone! What am I going to do? Everyone around me is getting married and here I am without even a boyfriend. My friend Jackie isn’t even that attractive and she is dating this unbelievable guy! I’m getting older with each passing day and my eggs are going to shrivel up and die soon!”
I reassured Darcy that at twenty-six her eggs were not in jeopardy just yet. I knew that lacking in initial attraction was not her problem, because she was asked out quite often. However, Darcy was losing the interest she did get in a very short amount of time. Something she was doing or saying on the first date was turning guys off so much, they didn’t want to sit through round two and get to know her better.
Darcy was a nice girl with a very attractive exterior. She wasn’t mean spirited or lacking in confidence. But she did have a habit of constantly talk about herself and her life. She also spent a great deal of time comparing herself to everyone around her. This had a big impact on her socially and romantically. She was jealous of her friends who so easily met their significant others. It seemed so unfair that she struggle with love while other people found it so easily. It wasn’t uncommon for her to skip bridal showers or engagement parties. It was difficult for her to act happy for others when she was so miserable herself. Even just seeing a couple holding hands on the street was enough to send her into a tailspin.
Darcy didn’t see her habit to compare herself as a problem. She assumed her lacking love life was due to the fact that she was inexperienced in the relationship department. She had only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the last of whom cheated on her repeatedly, and the one before disappeared without warning. In her opinion, her inexperience was a strike against her marketability. She was sure that all the guys she went out with wanted someone just a little bit sexier, thinner, and a lot more seasoned.
Before she went on dates, Darcy prepped herself for hours. She spent half the day doing her hair and make-up. Quite often she would texts pictures of herself to her friends asking how she looked before she left the house. When she arrived on her dates, Darcy was excited but also consumed with nervous energy. While she tried to be engaging and personable, she didn’t realize that most of the time she was rambling on about herself. Whenever she did stop and let her date get a word in, her mind churned in analysis of what she said. She wondered how she had come off to him. Did he still think she was attractive? Did she wear the right dress? Who else was he going out with, and was she as pretty? Instead of being present and working to get to know her date, she was on a continuous search for clues that he liked her enough to go out with her again.
Darcy would do a little Internet searching before, after, and sometimes even during, her dates. She would click through the guy’s pictures on Instagram or Facebook looking for any signs of him hanging out with other girls. If he did have pictures with females, Darcy would compare herself to all of them and stress about not being as beautiful. After hours of comparing and analyzing, she always was quite sure her date was not going to call her.  And although he never did, it wasn’t for the reason she thought.

“The Curse” of The Contestant (An excerpt from my newest book: This is one of five “Curses”)

The Contestant “Curse” is the easiest to spot. The reason I call them Contestants is because they act as if their entire life is a competition. They spend a lot of time comparing themselves to others, and feel as if they always have something to prove, whether it is to other people or just to themselves. They also thrive on attention from other people. In all of their relationships they view themselves as the “leading role” and anyone else is either supporting or an audience member.

Contestants often vacillate between feeling really good about themselves and extremely bad. If she is having a good day, and believes she is measuring up to her preset standard, a Contestant will have very positive self-focused thoughts about herself. But on days when she goes too long without reassurance or approval, her “Curse” begins to turn those positive self-focused thoughts into negative ones. When that happens, she will frantically begin searching for a way to get attention and give herself a boost. She might post a selfie online hoping to get flattering comments, or text someone she has little interest in, but who she knows will lavish her with compliments. It’s not unusual for a Contestant to collect male followers, or have several virtual relationships going at the same time. The more guys that are interested in her, the better she feels about herself. Most Contestants use men to maintain a happy, confident feeling. This is one of the reasons why they have trouble deeply connecting with one person, and why they are the most unfaithful of all Curses. If something goes wrong with their relationship, they have little problem turning to someone else who will make them feel better. Some Contestants may even keep a side relationship going for no reason other than their thirst for attention is more than what one man can provide.
Guys who date this type of woman find her to be high maintenance, attention-needy, narcissistic, and dramatic. Men who are in a relationship with her find her to be exhausting, moody, and selfish.

Living to Win
Because life is viewed as a competition, Contestants feel happiest when they are seemingly “winning”. At times they might just seek a personal “win”, for instance, getting a certain amount of likes on a post, but often their need to win attracts them to romantic situations where their can be winners and losers. Their Curse confuses love with winning, so it unconsciously seeks out situations where it can put it’s worth to the test.
Darcy, for instance, held on to her last boyfriend for two years, despite the fact that he cheated on her twice, and they broke up every few months. When I asked her why she persisted in trying to work things out with him, she admitted that if he finally decided to be faithful to her she would feel like it would validate her worth because she would be considered “good enough to change him”. She wanted to be “the girl” who was so special he reformed. A Cursed motivation if I ever heard one! She felt if she let him go without accomplishing that, however, it meant she was just the loser who was not good enough to commit to, and the next girl he got involved with would ultimately be dubbed the winner.
Of course, the truth was that Darcy’s boyfriend was a selfish man, who was Cursed himself. He believed he was Superior to women and because of that, he thought he was above fidelity. Committing to one woman was lame and no fun because it didn’t fulfill his insatiable need to always feel like he was dominating something. Because Darcy was Cursed too, however, she couldn’t see this. Instead she spent most of their relationships trying to make herself worthy of her boyfriend’s love. This is one of the Curse’s cruelest tricks. It makes you hold on to the false hope that one day you’ll be enough to change someone, as if your worth has anything to do with them committing.
If you are a Contestant, you might be attracted to people who need fixing because correcting them feels like an achievement. You don’t realize that your motivation to change someone is more for your benefit than theirs. Darcy wasn’t looking to make her relationship work because she loved her boyfriend. No, she was looking to make it work so she could feel like a winner. Is a woman using a man to heighten her feelings of worthiness any better than a guy cheating on her? In Darcy’s eyes, she didn’t see it that way but the reality is she did not love her boyfriend any more than he loved her.
Normal, healthy relationships don’t provide a struggle, and so if you are a Contestant, you might also naturally gravitate to men that are currently in a relationship, or even married. Triumphing over another woman and winning the “prize” of a man’s love is exactly what this Curse wants. Even if you are kept on the side for years, you will have trouble letting go and moving on because you will feel like you “lost” the guy to someone else. Of course, if you do get the guy, and there is no competition going on, you might get bored and restless. This is why Contestants are often in drama-filled relationships. Anyone who is emotionally available and genuinely wants to love you, isn’t challenging. If someone you are dating turns out to be a nice, normal guy, you may find yourself picking him apart, asking him for space, and causing drama to create a win/lose situation for yourself. The guy will have no idea where your hot and cold behavior stems from and might assume you are just afraid of commitment. He may at first play your little back-and-forth game, but if he’s a decent person, your behavior may push him to anger, resentment, and finally, disinterest.
If you seem to always gravitate towards “challenging” guys or situations, you may very well be a Contestant who is just searching for opportunities to win in order to feel good about yourself. Holding on to an unhealthy and unpredictable relationship provides the opportunity for you to have daily wins. If things go well one day, you feel you’ve succeeded in the game. It’s important to recognize the attraction you have to someone may not be anything more than a Curse tendency or preference. It’s very likely is not your real self being genuinely drawn to someone.

Dating Dud
Their habit to self-obsess has Contestants tanking in the dating department. Whether it’s getting a guy interested or keeping him that way, The Contestant often sabotages her chances. This Curse has one goal in mind when it sits down in front of a man and that is to “wow” him and gain his approval. If the Contestant feels she has done a good job of impressing, she will deem the date a success. However, she doesn’t realize that while she’s busy thinking of new ways to dazzle her date and gain more interest, she’s oblivious to how the date is actually going.
This was the biggest reason Darcy had difficulty getting second dates. When she sat down with men, she not only talked too much, but she talked about things that were so centered on her own interests and so motivated by her own attention seeking nature that men quickly became bored with the conversation. Darcy repeatedly suffered from the most frequent effect of the Contestant Curse -when you spend most of your time thinking about yourself, you automatically spend most of your time talking about yourself.
If you asked her, Darcy would deny monopolizing any conversations. She knew to ask her dates questions and felt she did a good job inquiring about their lives. What she didn’t realize was as soon as the guy started talking, her Cursed mind immediately related whatever he was saying to her own experiences and opinions. “I have something to say about that!” she thought. Or, “I can impress him with this story!” Before her date could even finish completing a sentence, Darcy would jump in with her thoughts, leaving the guy feeling like she really didn’t care what he had to say. Even though she was going through the right motions, because her intention was coming from a self-absorbed place, she was never fully engaged as a listener, and therefore, never really engaged with any man she went out with. Paying attention to someone else, even someone she liked, was short and fleeting because her mind would always subconsciously wonder back to, “How can I show him I’m interesting”, or, “How do I get him to really fall for me?
There are Contestants, however, have mastered dating and having guys pursue them. They have figured out how to play “the game” so guys initially fall hard for them. They are good at flirting, don’t answer texts too soon, and they know how to play a little hard to get. But just because they can skillfully maneuver the “getting him interested” phase, doesn’t mean they sail effortlessly into a serious relationship. They don’t. Many find it quite difficult, in fact, because they are only confident in the beginning stages of dating when the guy is in pursuit of them. If the chase slows, even for a brief second, they begin to question themselves as well as the guy’s feelings.
Betsy had a history of 2-3 month relationships. When she reached out to me for the first time it was because she had recently met someone she liked and was worried that his interest was starting to fade. When I asked her what signs she was getting that indicated a loss of interest, she said it was mostly a feeling that she was losing the upper hand. After two months of dating, she felt that her boyfriend wasn’t trying as hard to win her over as he did in the beginning. Even though he was still contacting her and asking to see her on a regular basis, she felt that he wasn’t paying as much attention to her anymore.
Normally when Betsy began feeling this way, her self-focused thoughts and emotions would take over. She would often start playing harder to get in order to provoke attention. In previous relationships, she would cancel plans to incite a fear of loss, or purposely flirt with someone else in order to make the guy jealous. She wanted to know what to do this time in order to make her boyfriend want her more and focus more attention on her.
What Betsy did not realize was that she was fighting the normal progression of any relationship. At some point, the chase must end so the real relationship can begin and true love can develop. I told her she needed to recognize that her focus in her relationships was concentrated on how much attention and reassurance she was getting from the guy and her attempts to incite jealousy or worry was all in order to feed this self-absorbed craving. It’s only natural that men will relax a little and be more themselves the longer you date them and that is a good thing. If you expect them to bring you flowers every week, plan lavish dates your whole life, or focus 100% attention on you everyday, you are not only signing up for major disappointment, you are going to drain your partner of all his energy and love for you. The truth was that the men Betsy dated were not truly losing interest like she assumed, she just didn’t understand the transition period from dating to a relationship. She didn’t know that eventually she had to stop making the man chase her and start giving back. Because she was Cursed, she perceived relaxed behavior on the guy’s part as disinterest and tried to stir up his emotions. She would spontaneously get mad at little things, or give him the cold shoulder so he would chase her again. Most guys interpreted these attention-getting attempts on her part as drama and backed away. In the end, it was simply Betsy’s hunger for attention that eventually caused men to lose interest and nothing else.
In the beginning, men don’t mind that the relationship is one-sided and they are expected to do all the heavy lifting, but as the relationship progresses over the course of a few weeks or months, they expect the relationship to balance out. After all, a relationship, and especially marriage, is a partnership and men are looking for potentially partners – someone who they can love but who will also genuinely love them back. They want someone who they can rely on and receive support from. Someone who will think about them. The Contestant is not a good candidate because she needs too much from him, and by comparison, gives very little in return.

To read more of my book, The Curse: Why You Can’t Find Or Keep The Love You Want and The 5 Cures That Can Help, subscribe to my Facebook and Twitter account for updates on when it will hit Amazon!

 

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Why You Haven’t Found Your Person: Your Unconscious (and Toxic) Dating Pattern

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. Everyone around me is getting engaged. I can’t believe I’m this old and still single!”
 
Have you ever uttered these words? Maybe to a friend? Maybe to yourself? Have you sat there smiling at a girlfriends’ bridal shower only to secretly be thinking, “Why isn’t that me?” Are you feeling so frustrated by the lack of love in your life that you are almost ready to give up the dream of ever finding it?
 
If any of this sounds like you, rest assured you are not alone. There are millions of females that feel just as you do, and are struggling just as you are. Like you, they want to find their person in life, and are totally unsure as to why they haven’t yet. It wasn’t this hard for your parents, so why is so hard for you? Is it just today’s culture? Are you looking in the wrong places? Dating the wrong guys? Saying the wrong things? Whatever it is, you haven’t figured it out, so you don’t even know how to fix it.
 
Recently I received an email through my website that summed up all the dating woes that women seem to be feeling these days. It said, “Dear Jess. I’m so over dating I could just cry. I have joined every dating site, gone to every meetup group, and forced myself to be as friendly and engaging as possible. In the end, I may get a few dates, but they never amount to anything. It’s like the whole world has “gone casush” (short for gone casual) and no one wants a traditional relationship anymore. Is it really that things have changed so much, or is it me that’s causing these disastrous dating results?”
 
The answer is that yes, things have changed, but things have always been changing. Women used to get married by arrangement, and dates only took place with chaperones. That’s no longer the case, of course. Yes, times change, but honestly, love hasn’t. It’s out there and guys do want it, too. The problem I see for most girls and young women is that they have an unknown, toxic dating pattern that has them perpetually yielding the same results with guys over and over again. In fact, I’ve seen these undiscovered patterns pop up so much over the last ten years that after only speaking to someone for about an hour, I can usually indentify which one they have. In all, there are five, and some of the ramifications are as follows:
 
* The guys you like never like you back as much
 
* You get angry or frustrated with the guys you date fairly often
 
* You are alone (because you are pickier than most people)
 
* You feel like it’s just a matter of time before your relationship fails
 
* You feel jealous of other people’s relationships
 
* You can’t let go of a person or experience you’ve had in the past
which has made you untrusting and jaded
 
* You incessantly replay your conversations with people
 
* You’re always wondering where the relationship is going and then it doesn’t go anywhere
 
* You constantly compare yourself to other women and often feel like you are in competition with them
 
* You think if you were prettier/smarter/thinner you would probably be in a relationship
 
* You like things a very certain way to the point of perfectionism
 
* You need constant reassurance that someone likes you
 
 
If you can identify with any of the above listed items, it’s highly likely you have one of the 5 patterns that I’m speaking of. Now is the time to figure out what yours is specifically and correct it. I’m now offering coaching packages of 3 or 5 sessions either over the phone or through email. Send me an email at coach@jessmccann.com and ask for pricing (I promise, it’s worth it.)

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Other Popular Blogs:

Why He Chose Her Over You?

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He Hasn’t Texted Me Back! What Do I Do?

 

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Four Phrases That Can Save Your Relationship

newlovehateThings aren’t good. In fact, they are really, really bad between you two. The love and companionship you once had seems like a thing of the past and now your days are filled with arguments, tears, and misunderstandings. Maybe you’ve tried for so long that you are almost ready to give up, or perhaps you are afraid that the one you love might give up on you. What I know is that most couples who want to stay together make a consorted effort to do so, however, the things they try are usually ineffective.

Since communication is key to any healthy, happy relationship, most end up failing not due to lack of love but lack of understanding, empathy, and appreciation. And it’s not necessarily because we don’t possess those things, but because we don’t effectively communicate them to each other.

I’ve compiled a list of the 5 most important phrases that can turn around even the most broken of relationships.

1. How Can I Help?
When is the last time you said these words to your partner? Maybe you’ve been so caught up in having him or her do things for you that you haven’t thought about what you can do for them. This phrase is especially helpful if you use it at the very time you feel yourself about to get into yet another argument because your boy/girlfriend is in a bad mood and taking it out on you. Imagine that he comes home from a long day, doesn’t greet you with open arms, and immediately jumps down your throat for something trivial because he’s just had it with crappy job, shitty boss, or anything that is unrelated to you. You could get your panties in a bunch, defend yourself and retort with some snide come back, or you can recognize that his bad attitude is actually a cry for help.

2. What Would You Like Me To Do or Say?
Said honestly and not sarcastically, this statement can save you a ton of time and frustration. Most of the time we think we are hearing people accurately (when we are not) and then we decide on what action to take based on that inaccurate assessment (which ends up doing nothing for them.) To get to the point, and start making positive changes right away, just ask your partner what they need from you instead of guessing.

3. You’re Right.
I find this phrase is more effective than the ever-popular “I’m Sorry.” It may be because “I’m sorry” is over-used, or sometimes said half-heartedly, but “You’re Right” hardly ever goes wrong. The key with these two words is, again, in timing. When your partner is telling you how they feel, citing places where you could improve, don’t jump to point your finger back at them and start listing examples of where they, too, could improve. Instead just sit there, listen, and say, “Your Right.” This is usually so disarming that it stuns the other person into softening up immediately. Then, you can have your turn to vent your frustrations.

4. I appreciate that you…
This one speaks for itself. It’s been said by numerous experts that the number one reason people leave relationships or cheat on their spouses is lack of appreciation, not lack of love. So how important do you think it is to actually say the words, “I appreciate”? Yeah, pretty important. It doesn’t matter what it is that you appreciate either… emptying the dishwasher, sending a sweet text, remembering an important date, whatever it is, just tell the one you love that you appreciate their efforts.

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Kim Kardashian & Kanye West Divorcing: Why it’s going to happen sooner or later

First let me say to Kim and Kanye, I’m sorry to use you as an example for other people. No one wants to be the model for what not to do in a marriage. At their core, I do believe that they are both good, decent human beings as most of us are. The problem is simply this: when you receive an astronomical amount of attention everyday from millions of people, many of them worshiping and adoring you for doing basically nothing for them (I mean, has Kim or Kanye ever called to see how your day was? Dropped off some take out when you weren’t feeling well? Asked if you needed help on moving day?) you begin to believe that just by being you, you deserve love. When you get 150,000 “likes” just from posting a photo of your backside, it can easily convince you that your mere existence is a gift to others. You no longer think you have to give love in order to get it. In fact, your daily agenda quickly becomes finding ways to illicit more love and attention for yourself, and you develop a “taker” mentality.  When you have two people in a marriage who both are focused on “taking love” instead of giving it, the relationship quickly and conclusively, crumbles.

Celebrities, often become Cursed when it comes to relationships. The reason, mainly, is that they expect their partner to act as their biggest fan. While it’s necessary, for example, for Kim to support Kanye in his music career, travel to see him, celebrate his triumphs and comfort him in disappointment, unlike a fan, she expects and deserves reciprocity from him.  A marriage can only survive when each person puts the other one first. Love can only thrive when two people are more interested in the others well being above and beyond their own. With a power couple like Kimye, where each person is a brand and each day must be lived to keep that brand alive, the focus is simply going to be more on “me” than on “you, or even “we”.

Where did they go wrong?

In the beginning of their relationship, I’m sure everything was fine. In fact, due to money being no object, I’ll bet Kim and Kanye were just perfect. So what happened? It’s been reported that Kanye was in love with Kim at first site and spent years pining after her. So why did that change? Why couldn’t that love sustain during marriage? As many relationships go, Kim and Kanye were on their best behavior in the beginning, but as they grew comfortable in their marriage and began going through different hardships (her robbery, his hospitalization), their default personalities took over, and they ended up interacting with each other not with heart, but with ego. Let’s look at Kanye for example. Kanye saw Kim as a prize to be won. He had it all, except for her. She was the one thing that he wanted but couldn’t get. Then, he finally got her and what a boost to his manhood! It made him feel good about himself to have her as his own. But after that ego high wears off, there is a person, a partner, and a marriage that has to be tended to. He cannot go back to being the old Kanye because now he is someone’s husband and father. He has to think of THEM, instead of himself. However, the ego cannot do that. The ego is only interested in “self.” So if Kim is expecting him to be thoughtful, giving, and caring towards her, (as we all would hope our spouse would be), she’s going to be disappointed. Kanye’s main focus is going to Kanye. He will be completely self-involved as he always has been, and she really can’t fault him for it because he was that way when they met.

Kim on the other hand, wants to love and be loved, as we’ve all heard her proclaim. But again, you have to be more focused on the other person to make love grow. With two kids and an empire built around her name, face, body, and backside, how can she really have time for anyone else? It’s just not even possible. And it’s especially impossible when you are married to someone who commands just as much attention as you do.

The only way to save their marriage would be for one of them to give up their career to fully support and help grow the others’. And with two people like Kim and Kanye, that is just not likely to happen.

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Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating book

It’s not unusual for Jess McCann to receive a frantic late night call from one of her clients, asking for advice while out on a date. And every single girl knows the frustration of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and wishing she could take it back and say something better. Well, now you can get it right the first time around with McCann’s indispensable dating survival guide.

 

Was It Something I Said? tackles some of the most tricky and troublesome scenarios in today’s complicated dating world. McCann uses real life situational questions that frequently come up in her date coaching practice and gives play-by-play instructions for how best to handle and respond to them. So if you’re not sure how to get him to stop texting and start calling, whether or not to “friend” him on Facebook, or if you should tell him you’re dating other guys, this book has the answers. It will empower you to handle love’s little challenges the right way–it’s like having your own personal dating coach!

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The real reason Angie is divorcing Brad

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http://www.kultura.banzaj.pl/galeria/angelina_jolie_i_brad_pitt_2-galdok-76991-777769-jpg.html

Isn’t it always the way? A couple is together for ten years, seems happy, decides to finally make it official, only to break up less than two years later. Well, no, that isn’t always the way, but it does seem to happen, especially in Hollywood. But even in the rest of the world, there are many cases where two people seem very happy and committed to each other…until they walk down the aisle. What’s that all about?

I believe this is a classic case of commitment-phobia. When you are together for ten years, as Brad and Angie were, you know who you are marrying. Especially if you have children together (they tend to bring people’s true character to light). So, most normal, non-commitment phobic people would feel fairly good about their decision to wed after so much time together. But someone who is afraid of commitment, would have the opposite reaction. Suddenly, the thought of being locked into a decision forever seems very scary. I can’t walk away anymore if I want to, the Phobe thinks. What if he cheats on me? What if he changes? What if I fall out of love? What if I see a side of him I didn’t before? What if someone better comes along? Of course, everyone might think about these hypothetical scenarios, but they are usually passing thoughts and they aren’t so strongly rooted in anxiety that we act on them. This what I think happened in the Jolie-Pitt marriage. As great her humanitarian work is, and as good of a mother as she may be, I believe Angie has a problem committing in her romantic relationships.

It would not be that surprising, actually. Her relationship with her father has been strained from the beginning when he left her and her mother when she was only a year old. And as any shrink will tell you (and there’s a lot of merit to it), a girl’s relationship with her father sets the stage for all other male relationships. I think Angie is most comfortable when she’s free to move in life without anyone else’s say so, especially from a man, and if you are married you know that you always have to at least consider your partner for just about everything.

I also think Angie likes to be “in wanting”, meaning once the relationship no longer provides a little bit of pain, ache, or pining, she gets bored and leaves. This is something I discuss in great length in my new book, “The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want” which hits shelves next spring. For a lot of women, love only feels right when there is a bit of craving attached with it, and once your married, you lose that. You can try to incite wanting again by creating drama, picking a fight, or cheating, but if that doesn’t work, an able women will simply move on to someone else. I imagine Angie will have a new boyfriend any minute now…

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Josh Murray and Jared Haibon: Who is the better guy?

If you have been watching Bachelor in Paradise, this question might be as obvious as, “what color is the sky?” Josh Murray has a reputation, and it’s not a very good one. His ex, Andi Dorfman, even penned a book about their tumultuous relationship and called him verbally abusive. So it would seem that Jared Haibon is the better guy, right? But then again, Jared has strung along Ashley for a year. Sure, we are made to think she’s crazy in love with no reason or reciprocity, but truthfully they had grown close over the last year and Jared seems to enjoy Ashley’s constant attention and adoration. Is that really what nice guys do?

So here are two guys. Both very attractive, and highly sought-after, but here is where Josh and Jared differ and where you can learn the difference between a genuine good-guy, and the guy you might not be able to trust.

(Before reading further, I’m going to caveat my assessment with this: I don’t  know either person and this is based on reality TV, not an actual interpersonal experience. If this were a “real world” assessment I could stand by it completely, as should you if you come across this in your life.)

First, Jared. Jared, doesn’t talk about himself. Have you counted how many times Josh has used the word “I”? You should always be suspicious of someone who claims to know themselves inside and out and feels the need to defend his actions to the grave. At one point Jared made the comment that he might have needed to be a little more firm with how he felt or didn’t feel about Ashley, but he never tried to justify why he’s in the right and she (or America) is in the wrong. Josh, on the other hand, is making it seem like he’s his own trial lawyer in the case of Josh Murray’s reputation vs. American Perception. He just goes on and on about himself and his principles, and his beliefs, etc, etc.

Secondly, Jared is affectionate both verbally and physically with Caila, but it’s within reason. Josh on the other hand is making out with Amanda and talking about their relationship as if he were shipwrecked alone on that island for 40 years and just came across the first female in four decades! Here’s tip #2. Anytime a guy is making early promises to you, talking about future plans, or expressing amorous feelings in a short amount of time, be wary! Especially if he’s doing those things while unzipping your pants (or unzipping your pants the second you are alone.)

And last but most obvious, consider their history. Jared is not someone who, as far as I know, has bad past. He dated Kaitlyn, who still likes him. He rejected Ashley, who still likes him. And he had a thing with Emily, who still likes him. He’s still considered a good guy by the girls he’s been involved with. Josh has an ex-girlfriend who dislikes him so much she wrote an entire book about how awful he is! Yes, there are two sides to every story, however, when you are truly a nice, decent guy, no one says bad things about you because you handle conflict, let downs, and disagreements with grace and respect. You put the other persons feelings above your own. Don’t think we can say that about Joshy-pants. He seems to put himself first most, if not, all of the time (See my first point.)

If you want to learn more about dating, relationships, or The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want. Continue on to my advice blogs.

 

Other Bachelor Posts:

Why Carly Leaves Paradise Brokenhearted
Is Tierra As Terrible As She Seems?

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Stop Asking Me Where I’ll Be On Friday Night, (And Ask Me Out Instead!)

Hi Jess,

I read your book “You Lost Him At Hello” three years ago, when I was a sophomore in college, and it was eye opening for me. I have definitely fixed a lot of my mistakes, but the main problem I would say that I am still having is keeping guys interested and making them excited about me. I don’t think the problem is that I am too clingy because I definitely mirror their texting patterns. I feel like I have a lot to offer, but they are not seeing this or feeling like they “have” to be with me. I guess I would say that I am not good at “selling myself.” I sometimes find myself pointing out my flaws, downplaying my accomplishments, or being self deprecating because I am worried I will intimidate them. I don’t think I always used to do this and I’m not sure when it started.

Also, I thought that once I graduated college, people would be over the “hook up culture” (which has never been my thing) but that appears to not be the case. That being said, another problem I have is getting guys to ask me on dates instead of just asking me where I’m going out on a Friday night. There is one guy in particular who I think is interested in me, but I don’t know what I can do to pave the way for him to ask me on a date instead of how this usually goes. What can I do to make it very clear that I am interested, but also turn down “those” kinds of offers in the hopes of a date?

Thank you!
Anonymous

 

Hi there,

Thanks for your question and for reading my book. I’m so glad it helped. I think your recent situation with the guy who won’t “officially” ask you out also points to your overall problem of not getting guys overly excited to be with you. I have good and bad news for you. First, the bad…due to social media, texting, and everything in between that keeps people so easily and instantly connected at all times, the dating culture has drastically changed, and men have changed right along with it. In the past, it took real work to see a girl and get her to meet up with you. You had to get her number, call her on the phone, and actually make plans to do something together. But now, a guy can incorporate you into his already laid plans…and this is to his benefit for two reasons; one, he risks no sort of rejection by just seeing what you are up to and where you might be on a friday night, and two, he can up his odds of getting some sort of female interaction by asking multiple girls what they are doing on the same night. Depending on how many girls respond, and who is at the top of his list, he can then cancel (or just not follow through, most likely) with the others. This is what’s happening everywhere and to every female under the age of 30 (and some who are over.) There is little you can do about the way things have changed in respect to dating, but you do have control over how you respond to guys and that can make a big difference with the good ones (the bad ones will just move on to someone who’s easier).

Here is what you can do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting a guy out with his friends when you first start talking with him. Whether you’ve met him in person, know him from school, or have only interacted online, you can accept an invitation to meet up with him and his buddies. Standing firm that he has to ask you out in a traditional sense in order to see you is risking him either not getting the hint, or losing out because he just doesn’t have the nerve or motivation (yet). What you should do is meet up, have fun, dance, laugh, flirt, and then LEAVE. If you have read my book, you know all about the height of impulse and that is a very powerful move that will help you in this situation. When you are leaving, and the guy is asking you to go back to his place, or trying to kiss you, you have the opportunity to say in a cute, flirty way, “Sorry, I haven’t even been on a date with you yet. I just don’t go around making out with guys at bars. But you have my number, so if you’re interested in going out, text me.” Give him your best “you-know-you-want-to” smile, and walk away. As I said, the good guys will respect the fact that you respect yourself. The bad ones will be annoyed that they aren’t getting laid that night. How your guy responds to this will tell you which category he falls in.

As for the problem of not selling yourself well…you definitely don’t want to point out your real flaws to a guy you just started having a thing with. You can downplay what you know is not a true flaw, though. Think Ariana Grande telling a guy, “I’m just kind of an average singer.” You don’t want to brag to a guy, of course, but you also don’t want to pick yourself apart in front of him. Neither is attractive. And here is some final good news for you. If you and all your friends decide not to allow guys to “get” you without any real work, you will actually help them learn how to be true gentleman. If all women require a proper date, all men will comply. So when you tell the guy at the bar, “You gotta date me” you aren’t only helping yourself, you’re helping other women, and the entire male population.

For more answers to questions like this, check out my Q&A book, “Was It Something I Said? The answer to all your dating dilemmas.”

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Bored Too Easily? Why no man can keep your interest (except maybe the wrong one!)

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Hi Jess. I definitely think I have a problem with being bored too easily with guys. Even the ones who look amazing on paper and are really nice looking! Guys with great jobs, similar interests, good sense of humor, and good looks…I find myself losing interest with them after only a few dates. I just feel like “something’s missing.” The guys always seem to be very interested in me and want to keep going out, but I find myself pulling away. What is wrong with me?? I’ve only had two serious relationships in my life and it took me years to get over both of them. Could I have commitment issues or just a love of the chase? Please help! Thank you.
- Bored Betty

Hi Betty. Before I start doling out advice, I want to say bravo to you for even realizing you have a problem! A lot of women turn down guys over and over again without really thinking through what it is that turns them on or off about someone. In many cases, what a woman finds attractive in guy may not necessarily be a quality that is right  for her in the long run, but without awareness of this, many females continue to chase the bad boy, or the guy that is good on paper, all the while alluding real love.

Now…On to what you really came here looking for…

Based on the information you gave me in your email, here is what I think is going on. I do think you have a fear of commitment as you suspected, and yes, with that comes a love of the chase. It’s not that you have an aversion to good, decent, guys. It’s that you have an aversion to anyone that shows you a real ability to commit. Guys who show interest, and express an eagerness to know you more seem boring to you because you know where they stand and there is no mystery, no thrill, and no excitement in that. Those three things are present, however, when you are pining after an ex-boyfriend year after year; a man whose interest in you changes as frequently as the weather. I suspect your break-ups took a very long time to stick, with many late night texts, and even a bit of hooking up? The uncertainty that comes with an ex who still communicates with you is what fuels the “wanting” to be with him. And that is what you are attracted to. You don’t know if and when you will see your ex again, and that causes anxiety and wanting which we often confuse for those amorous little butterflies. Basically, anyone who doesn’t give you anxiety, who doesn’t cause you to “want”, you don’t find exciting and therefore you think something is wrong, or missing.

But heed my warning, if you marry the man who gives you anxiety, you will spend the majority of your marriage repenting your decision. To not know when your husband will call or come home is torture to a wife and mother. And make no mistake about it, the man who’s love runs hot and cold will continue to do so whether you take his last name or not.

So, how do you make the change? How do you stop running from the good guys that truly want to be with you? The first step is to simply be aware of this pattern in yourself and when you feel that “wanting” inside you occur, don’t follow it blindly. Know what is happening. Recognize the pattern you have of finding thrills in your dating life and understand the consequences. Second, on a deeper level, the addiction you have to wanting men is an unconscious need within yourself to prove your own worthiness. Meaning, you unknowingly feel incomplete and subconsciously worry that you are not enough, but by winning over an unattainable, or uninterested guy, you satisfy that doubt (although just temporarily). Simply put, the love of the chase points more to how you feel about yourself, than about the guy.

For more advice on how to break this habit of constantly getting bored and chasing guys, be on the look out for my next book coming out later this year!

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