Oh What A Difference! Before and After Photos from Tinder, Bumble and Match

Tobyb&a It’s the part of my job that is the most fun – Taking photos of clients for their dating profiles! After a thorough review of a client’s profile, the first thing I usually tell them is that taking new photos will heavily increase their traffic (and therefore their chances to find love.) It’s not that their current photos are bad, I just know they can be better and with so much competition out there, it’s imperative to post the most flattering, yet authentic photo of yourself.

So I’ve decide to post a few of my favorite “Before” and “After” photos (with my client’s permission) in order to highlight a few of the most common photo flubs, and how to fix them.

1. Angle is everything. Yes, we all know how to take a selfie. Shoot from above. But in addition to holding the camera high, it’s best to also pull back on the subject. Look how much thinner my client appears in her after photo. The two pictures were taken around the same time, yet she looks as if she’s lost 20 pounds in the photo I took. The illusion of weight is due to the “before” pic being a little too close and cutting off the side of her arm. (And busy patterns don’t help the cause either.)

 

ManishaB&A2. Lighting May Not Be Everything, But It’s Pretty Important. If you quickly glance the before photo, your first thought might be, “It was a windy day and her hair is blowing all over her face.” But look at the second photo. Her hair is blowing there, too. So why does it work in one photo and not the other? The answer is because the before pic was shot mid-day when the sun was right above my client, casting shadows all over her face and neck. The best time to take a picture is during the first hour that the sun comes up and the last hour before it goes down. If you have a shaded setting a few hours plus or minus will work as well. As you can see, the right lighting can capture the sparkle in your eyes, or the beauty of your smile. The wrong lighting can wash it all out.

 

 

 

BeccaB&A 3. Don’t Point And Click. Although our smartphone cameras have come along way, they still can’t compete with a digital SLR camera, and your friend’s photography skills cannot compare to those of a professional (unless your friend is also a dating coach or photographer.) As an expert in this field, we know what pose, what angle, what look, is going to produce the very best shot of you. So while it may seem that everyone is a photographer these days, I would say, yes but not everyone is a good one. Since you only have a handful of images to show someone who you are and entice them into meeting you, why risk a poor end result? Hire someone who knows what they are doing with a camera. It’s not life or death, but it may be date or no date.

 

 

 

For more information on my coaching programs or photo sessions please email me at coach@jessmccann.com or visit my contact page at www.jessmccann.com

Jess McCann is the author of “You Lost Him at Hello : Secret Strategies from America’s Top Dating Coach” and “Was It Something I Said: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas”

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Guys, You Can “Up” Your Swipe Rate… Here’s how

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I love my female clients, and in truth, they are the bulk of my business. But every now and then a guy will sign up for my coaching program and it’s a very nice change of pace for me. It’s probably no surprise to those reading this, but when it comes to coaching men, the challenges that arise and the strategies we employ are totally different. Recently I was reminded of this when I gained another male client who was having a hard time getting matched on Tinder. Most guys complain that it takes twenty to fifty swipes to get just one match, and the chances of meeting up with said match are only 50-50 at best. This can lead to frustration, fatigue, and in some cases, feeling like a failure. The good news is that this is a workable problem. No, you will never achieve a 100% response rate when it comes to online match-ups, but there are many things that a guy can do to up his odds with women he’d like to meet.

You might think you need more hair, or less flab, but truthfully, whether a woman swipes on you or not has more to do with the feeling she gets from your photo – do you seem interesting? Confident? Sexy? Or is she about to tip off America’s Most Wanted because she is pretty sure she’s seen you someplace before and it’s not good…Ok, so that might be stretch (but those guys are out there). It’s more likely that your photo is simply not doing you justice or perhaps giving off an awkward or unappealing vibe. Here are some of my best photo-tips that are sure to up your swipe rate.

  1. Look away and half smile

Contrary to what I tell women, for men it’s much better not to look directly at the camera and smile. Look just to the right or the left, and show just a bit of teeth. Call it creating mystery, intrigue, or just a sense of non-desperation, women find this appealing and are more likely to swipe right. However, if your second photo is a big mug shot of you, grinning like a Cheshire cat, you’ve blown it.

  1. Take a step (or five) back

Have you ever noticed how big a face only photo looks on your phone? That’s usually okay if you are female but for guys, you are just asking a girl to run you over with a fine-toothed judgment comb. (Is that the beginning of a unibrow, I see?) Take your pictures from the waist up at minimum, but a full body shot works well, too.

  1. Layoff the props and choose your setting wisely

It is assumption at it’s worst but it happens every day. If you are at a bar or holding a drink in your hand, women will assume you’re a party boy or an alcoholic. If you are standing with a bunch of women, she will assume you are player. If you are shooting a fire arm or at a gun range… yeah, even if she is a gun enthusiast, no woman is going to want to meet up with a stranger that she knows has access to a deadly weapon. Keep your photos simple. Just you, perhaps doing something outdoorsy (and non-threatening.) The only prop that women respond well to is of the canine persuasion. Sorry, no cats.

4. Learn to take a flattering selfie

If we have learned anything from Kim Kardashian (which may be the only thing), it’s to take portraits with the camera angling down. This doesn’t just apply to selfies. Make sure whoever is taking your picture knows how to use a camera and captures you from your best angle, in the best light, with your best outfit. Yes, all this stuff does make a difference.

And I’ve got more tips to help – if you are interested you can email me at coach@jessmccann.com or check out my website at www.jessmccann.com

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Make This The Last Valentine’s Day You Spend Alone

ValentinesDay2018You’ve got your reasons for being single. You’re picky. You’re career-focused. You just haven’t found the one. Whatever excuse you’ve given over the years about why you aren’t in a relationship doesn’t matter. The truth is you’d like to be in one, and as Valentine’s Day approaches yet again; you are reminded of just how much you really want to find your person.

I understand your plight all too well. I’m a dating and relationship coach and every day I talk to dozens of singles that are trying to best navigate the dating sphere in the hopes of living happily wedded-after. Like you, many of my clients have a lot to offer. They are smart, attractive, well rounded and thoughtful. And with so many dating apps rife with potential prospects you would think coupling up would be quick and easy. So why isn’t it?

The truth is that most of us go about looking for love the wrong way. Our culture of instant gratification has us impatient for anything that takes longer than a few nanoseconds. While you may be able to get a date that quickly, building a relationship with someone still takes ample time. We can’t order up our perfect match like a Starbucks drink, and yet that’s just what we try to do. We want what we want and we want it now. If you can let go of these bad habits, however, and embrace some important new ones, this can be the very last time you’re single on Valentine’s Day.

Wait!

In 2008 it was all about “playing hard to get”. Ten years later we’ve that replaced that strategy with “go after what you want.” Gone are the days of waiting with anticipation to hear from someone. If you like them, you text them. Doesn’t matter if you said goodbye thirty seconds ago and they are still within eye shot. That’s what we do now. When we want something we go after it like an Olympic athlete goes for gold. There’s no holding back.

The problem is that as fast and furious as we make connections today, they burn out even faster. We have lost our restraint and will power to the technology God and he is royally screwing us over in the love department. If we want to make something last, we have to pace ourselves. Relationships are not built overnight, so regardless of how badly we want someone, making them wait a little is still a good move.

Try Someone New

Keep ordering your grande, iced, sugar-free latte, but when it comes to dating you need to branch out. You might daydream about someone who’s six feet tall, or curvy and blond, but love doesn’t always come in the package that we expect. Just because we are attracted to a certain type doesn’t mean we won’t be attracted to someone outside those parameters. Rosey, a 38 year-old stay at home mom remembers the day she met her husband at a local bar. “I started talking with him because he was standing there. Not because I was initially attracted. He had facial hair, which I’ve never been fond of, and he looked like he lived at the gym. But I said yes when he asked me out, and after our first date, I fell in love with him. We’ve been married for five years.”

A common mistake, especially with online dating, is to narrow your search preferences down to your seemingly “ideal match”. But we don’t fall in love with someone because their eyes are blue, they went to Dartmouth, or they live in a swanky part of town. We fall in love because of how we feel when we are with them. And that’s something you cannot tell until you actually go on a date. So widen your search criteria and sample date as many people as you can.

Ask The Right Questions

All too often I see my clients fall for someone that embodies a lot of what they want on the outside, but that they really don’t know on the inside. “If he’s Catholic, and we have chemistry, what else do I really need to know?” Said Jenna, a twenty-three year old graduate student at the University of Virginia. Actually there is a lot more that you need to know, although many singles today are focused only on physical attraction and have a fear of digging too deep. In an effort to seem fun and datable, women especially are keeping the conversation very light; sticking to non-controversial topics and steering clear of anything too personal. But getting personal is how you not only get to know someone; it’s how you form a real, genuine connection. If you don’t ask the right questions, neither of those things can happen.

In my book, “Was It Something I Said: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas” I stress the importance of asking meaningful questions on dates. Questions like, “When was your last relationship? Why did it end? What kind of men/women do you find yourself most attracted to?” These questions will give you good insight into the most critical aspect of the person sitting across from you – what they are like in a relationship. Other questions to ask, “Are your parents still together? What’s their relationship like? What was the last argument you had and with whom? While driving to and from work, what do you think about most?” There is no reason to fear asking any of these questions, and you should ask them early, before you fall for someone that isn’t your cup of specialty coffee…

Jess McCann is a dating and relationship coach and the author of “You Lost Him at Hello” and “Was It Something I Said”. Continue reading

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“Love Bombing”: The Dangerous Dating Tactic That Can Leave You Brokenhearted

When Jenny met Matt she thought it was true love. Finally, she had found a guy that did everything right. He would text her every day, pick her up at her house, pay for all their dinners, make plans in advance, and lavish her with compliments. He was perfect and after just three weeks, he was already saying those three little words.

So imagine Jenny’s surprise when after six weeks of dating, things started to change. The daily texts stopped first, and she began reaching out to him instead. Then the planning in advance came to a halt and it was all last minute, or late night get- togethers to “watch Netflix and Chill”. And finally, the amorous professions of love ended, and Jenny was left wondering where they stood.

“I feel like I need to have the DTR talk,” Jenny said to me one day. (That’s slang for Determine the Relationship.)
“I don’t think so,” I told her. “I think you know where your relationship stands. The question is, are you okay with it?”
“I was okay with it when he was paying more attention to me. Now I feel like I’m just there. How do I get him to be like he was before?” She asked me.
“Jenny, you’ve been “Love Bombed.” And the only thing you can do now is either accept the relationship for where it is now, or don’t accept it and move on.”

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is when a guy attempts to win you over with over-the-top displays of attention and affection, but then, after a matter of weeks that all stops. Love Bombing happens frequently in today’s culture because technology makes it so easy to “bomb” someone with words of affection and future promises without having to do anything more than lift a finger (or more accurately; two thumbs.) Some love bombing is normal. When a guy first meets a girl, and is attracted to her, he will naturally want to impress her by going above and beyond her expectations. As the relationship settles down a bit, and the two become a couple, however, the avid pursuit to “win” her over wanes, but should be replaced by a happy, contented relationship. The problem with Love Bombing happens when either the girl doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, and demands the constant attention and reassurance that Love Bombing provides, or the guy is using “LB” as a technique to sleep with a girl or get her attached to him for his own selfish purposes.

How To Spot A Serial Love Bomber

Jenny eventually learned that Matt was a serial Love Bomber, and routinely came on strong with all his other girlfriends. He wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a habit of coming being overly effusive when he wasn’t yet in a relationship. But not all guys are like Matt, and some will Love Bomb you just to get what they want, and then leave you confused, disappointed, and still very single.

It’s important to be able to know when you are being “Love Bombed” and to remain skeptical if you see any of the following signs within the first few weeks:

– He texts you “Good Morning, Beautiful” every morning and “Good Night, Beautiful” every night, even though you just met (or haven’t met in person.)

– He talks about future plans, vacations, and even marriage and you’ve only been on a handful of dates.

– He comments or likes all your posts the minute you post them.

– In almost every communication with you, he flatters you.

– He professes his feelings right from the start and tells you he’s “never felt this way about anyone” and “can’t believe he met someone (you) that is so beautiful, special, smart, etc” and “knows already that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”

Be wary of Love Bombers because they can reel you in, sleep with you, and move on without hesitation. If you think you are perpetual victim of Love Bombing and need professional help, please email me about coaching at coach@jessmccann.com. Love Bombers are notoriously looking for “soft targets” – women with low self-esteem that they can bomb and manipulate. Don’t let yourself be a victim again.

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Why You Haven’t Found Your Person: Your Unconscious (and Toxic) Dating Pattern

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. Everyone around me is getting engaged. I can’t believe I’m this old and still single!”
Have you ever uttered these words? Maybe to a friend? Maybe to yourself? Have you sat there smiling at a girlfriends’ bridal shower only to secretly be thinking, “Why isn’t that me?” Are you feeling so frustrated by the lack of love in your life that you are almost ready to give up the dream of ever finding it?
If any of this sounds like you, rest assured you are not alone. There are millions of females that feel just as you do, and are struggling just as you are. Like you, they want to find their person in life, and are totally unsure as to why they haven’t yet. It wasn’t this hard for your parents, so why is so hard for you? Is it just today’s culture? Are you looking in the wrong places? Dating the wrong guys? Saying the wrong things? Whatever it is, you haven’t figured it out, so you don’t even know how to fix it.
Recently I received an email through my website that summed up all the dating woes that women seem to be feeling these days. It said, “Dear Jess. I’m so over dating I could just cry. I have joined every dating site, gone to every meetup group, and forced myself to be as friendly and engaging as possible. In the end, I may get a few dates, but they never amount to anything. It’s like the whole world has “gone casush” (short for gone casual) and no one wants a traditional relationship anymore. Is it really that things have changed so much, or is it me that’s causing these disastrous dating results?”
The answer is that yes, things have changed, but things have always been changing. Women used to get married by arrangement, and dates only took place with chaperones. That’s no longer the case, of course. Yes, times change, but honestly, love hasn’t. It’s out there and guys do want it, too. The problem I see for most girls and young women is that they have an unknown, toxic dating pattern that has them perpetually yielding the same results with guys over and over again. In fact, I’ve seen these undiscovered patterns pop up so much over the last ten years that after only speaking to someone for about an hour, I can usually indentify which one they have. In all, there are five, and some of the ramifications are as follows:
* The guys you like never like you back as much
* You get angry or frustrated with the guys you date fairly often
* You are alone (because you are pickier than most people)
* You feel like it’s just a matter of time before your relationship fails
* You feel jealous of other people’s relationships
* You can’t let go of a person or experience you’ve had in the past
which has made you untrusting and jaded
* You incessantly replay your conversations with people
* You’re always wondering where the relationship is going and then it doesn’t go anywhere
* You constantly compare yourself to other women and often feel like you are in competition with them
* You think if you were prettier/smarter/thinner you would probably be in a relationship
* You like things a very certain way to the point of perfectionism
* You need constant reassurance that someone likes you
If you can identify with any of the above listed items, it’s highly likely you have one of the 5 patterns that I’m speaking of. Now is the time to figure out what yours is specifically and correct it. I’m now offering coaching packages of 3 or 5 sessions either over the phone or through email. Send me an email at coach@jessmccann.com and ask for pricing (I promise, it’s worth it.)

To check out more of my advice blogs, click here.

Other Popular Blogs:

Why He Chose Her Over You?

Are You Likely To End Up Alone?

He Hasn’t Texted Me Back! What Do I Do?

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Married at First Sight: Why Ryan D and Davina may sabotage their marriages

Married-at-First-Sight-Spoilers-is-Davina-MarriedI cannot get enough of Married at First Sight. It’s my new guilty pleasure. It’s taken over as the number one relationship show on television for very good reasons. Because of it’s accelerated process, it showcases what can happen in marriage five or ten years down the line, only you don’t have to wait that long. You can see love growing and blossoming, or wilting and dying while the couples are still on their honeymoon. I’ve been watching since the Matchmaking episode and based on their interviews, and what has transpired thus far (up to the honeymoon), my predictions are that Jacklyn and Ryan R could last and continue to be married, but Ryan D and Jessica are doomed, and Sean and Davina could follow suit. Maybe not after the 6 weeks are up, but eventually. Here’s why:

Ryan D and Jessica

Although Ryan D proclaims he’s looking for lasting love much like his grandparents, he’s missing a key component to having a happy healthy partnership: He does not think about his wife’s feelings. He seems only interested in what he wants to do. Case in point. He knows Jessica is afraid of the water, and that she is hesitant about going jet skiing, but instead of helping her get comfortable and easing her into the experience, he guns it to warp-speed and throws both of them off the watercraft. When she tries again to conquer her fears because he wants to snorkel, he couldn’t seem to care less that she starts having a panic attack in the water. He doesn’t comfort her, take her hand, or reassure her that he’s going to keep her safe. He just paddles off on his own and lets her watch from the boat. Now, I do know that reality TV does quite a bit of editing so even if those two instances were made to look worse than what they really were, the fact that Ryan D shows affection like an 8 year-old-boy (“I like poking and teasing. That’s how I show affection”) makes it almost impossible to have a grown-up relationship with him. Women want to feel loved, and it’s hard to feel that way if flicking your big toe at her is the way you do it.

But the real kicker (sorry, to keep going but there is so much here) is that when Ryan hurts Jessica’s feelings by calling her piercings and tattoos trashy, he denies and justifies instead of simply saying, “I’m sorry.” Then he storms off and tells her the conversation is over. They always say you can tell how long a marriage will last by the way people argue. From the looks at it, Ryan is going to end this thing rather quickly if he doesn’t learn to accept responsibility for his mistakes. I feel like I should say something nice about him now since I’ve thrown him under the bus so much… He’s a good looking dude. And even if he’s tough to get along with, Jessica seems so loving and really wants to be married so I bet she hangs in there for as long as possible.

Sean and Davina

I want this couple to work out. I actually like them together. But the thing that may just get them in the end is that Davina seems to have what I call, A Better Than mentality. Meaning, she thinks she better, more deserving, and entitled to the best life has to offer – and her relationship is no exception. The low self-esteem she felt as a child has seemingly made her extremely self-focused in a negative way, but as she grew older, that self-focused viewpoint turned from negative to positive. Now she just thinks about herself far too much, and any little thing that threatens her self-esteem, she guards against. Sean has known her roughly five days and when he doesn’t react “appropriately” to her getting misty-eyed on the sleigh ride, she basically attacks him and warns, “Now you know that when I tear-up, it really means something.” Yikes. If Sean gets her the wrong type of birthday present, should he worry he’ll come home to a boiled bunny on the stove? (Of course not, but her comments are a bit dramatic, don’t you think?) Jessica getting upset with Ryan’s trashy comment or his disregard for her fear of jetski’s makes sense to me… but getting upset that the man you met 5 days ago didn’t know how to read your emotional reaction to happiness…I mean, are you looking for things to fight about?

If Davina can focus on gratitude instead of what Sean needs to improve on, they may do just fine. But if Sean realizes that it’s Davina’s world and he’s just a living in it, he may very well decide to move out.

Jacklyn and Ryan R

My favorite couple because I truly think they have a chance. The only thing that seems to be standing in their way right now is Jacklyn’s lack of physical attraction to Ryan. However, I think when a woman doesn’t know a man’s heart, character, humor, and personality, she will only be attracted to the top 5% of guys. Once she can factor in all the things that make a man great, he will undoubtedly get more attractive – unless the woman is 100% shallow. I don’t think Jackie is. Ryan is not an ugly guy, in fact, he is tall, dark, and handsome. She just has a certain picture in her head of what kind of man she thought she would end up with and he doesn’t look like Ryan. But that doesn’t mean a thing! I think they connect on many levels and have a good dynamic between them, so I really hope Jacklyn takes Ryan out of the friend zone before Ryan gets too annoyed that she’s put him there.

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Is Your Love Of The Chase Keeping You Single?

ChaseNatalie had finally met someone she liked. After months of being online and going on multiple first dates, she met Henry. There was instant chemistry on their first date. He wasn’t the necessarily the best looking guy, but there was something about him she was definitely attracted to. Their second date was great too. They went to an Art exhibit and spent hours talking about their passions in life and dreams for the future. On their third date, Henry brought her flowers, took her to a five star restaurant and told her that he found her to be one of the most captivating women he’d ever met.

And suddenly Natalie wasn’t sure if she was that interested anymore.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Have you ever found yourself becoming less interested in someone because they became more interested in you? If so, then it is very likely you have a strong affinity for the chase… and it could very well keep you single or unhappily married for the rest of your life.

Many women today have become increasingly addicted to the chase without realizing it. These women claim to want a happy, healthy relationship, however, when the opportunity presents itself in the form of a emotionally available, interested man, they turn their nose up and walk the other way. Instead they repeatedly gravitate towards the guy that shows them just enough interest to keep them hanging on but not nearly enough to ever realistically plan a future with. Why? Because they find these guys challenging, exciting, and stimulating, and to a degree they are. But what you may not realize is that when the guy you are dating doesn’t call you one night it’s just annoying and frustrating. When your husband does that, it’s absolutely crushing. Marry the guy who makes you chase him, however, and that’s what you are signing up for.

For centuries, it was only socially acceptable for men to chase women and for the most part, females were more than happy to sit back and let their pursuers do their thing. Women wanted to be called on often, and delighted in hearing professions of love. Nowadays however, their are a large number of women that only feel comfortable when they are avidly chasing the object of their affection. They might claim that they are open to being wooed and won over, it just “has to be the right guy”. What they don’t realize is that the minute a man begins to act like he should when he’s truly interested in a woman, no matter how great of a guy he is, he has just turned himself into Mr. Boring, Mr. Predictable, Mr. Smothering… and finally just Mr. Wrong. But that’s not the guy’s fault, it’s yours.

Can you be fixed?

If this sounds like you and your beginning to wonder if you have an addiction to the chase, don’t despair. The first thing you must do is acknowledge the problem. Without awareness, you’ll be a victim to your unconscious emotions time and time again. For the most part, this love of the chase can be broken like any other addiction. It simply takes works, discipline, and time. Realize a good relationship stems from a good dating experience – and that means a man treating you well and showing you that he cares. It may take some getting used to if you have always shied away from this, but the first step in the right direction is going against what feels natural to you. Say yes to the man who is reliable, stable, consistent and available and no to the one who is challenging and erratic. It will take some getting used to at first, but keep in mind this is supposed to be a relationship, not an extreme sport. The high’s and low’s, twists and turns you’ve grown accustomed to don’t work well in a marriage. In fact, they usually lead to messy break-ups.

If you think you may be addicted to the chase, it may be time to consult a dating coach! End your self-sabotaging habits by contacting Jess McCann and inquiring about her coaching rates and packages.

Other articles on this blog:

Why he never called you back! The age old question answered.

Does he like you or is he just looking for a hook-up?

Did you ruin your chances with a great guy? 3 steps to winning him over the second time.

To read more advice articles click here.

 

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Women are angry so men won’t marry? The truth about why some are putting off matrimony

Angry and defensive women, men don't want to marry
You may have read the recent
Fox article, where author Suzanne Venker claims that today’s men don’t want to marry because women are angry and defensive, but I don’t think you should believe it. Not for a second. Sure, high-powered, angry, aggressive women with an I-don’t-need-a-man attitude do exist. We all know of one or two of them, and their uber independent persona is uninviting to not just men, but to most everyone they meet. However, the majority of women I know on a personal and professional level are warm, caring, sensitive creatures that can also pay their own rent and change a flat tire. This does not make men obsolete, nor do I think it makes them feel that way. Men were not created to merely change light bulbs and pay bills. Yes, for years they were the hunters and we the gatherers, but ask my husband the last time he hunted through Whole foods and brought home some actual bacon? It was 2008. And you know what? He’s happy as a clam that I do the grocery shopping! Just because women have become more capable, does not mean men aren’t attracted to us and don’t want to marry us. To purport that women becoming more equal to men makes a relationship harder is, I’m sorry, ridiculous. As my friend, Dr. Stephen Williams states, “Women are able to be more who they really are today than ever before.” So Suzanne, with all due respect I don’t think we need to, as you put it, “surrender to our nature.”

There is, in my opinion, another reason that some men aren’t keen on committing.

Until the 1960’s invention of the birth control pill, men and women did not engage in casual dating and they certainly did not have casual sex. For centuries, courting a woman was a ritual, and both men and women abided by certain rules. Today, there are no rules! Where once upon a time, a man had to call on a woman at her home, in front of her family, in order to see her for an hour or two, a guy can now just pick her up at a bar and take her home for a late night romp. Before birth control, men and women did not engage in sex before marriage. It was too risky. So what did men and women have to do in order to have a physical relationship? You guessed right! They took a trip down the aisle and made their relationship permanent. The fact that they do not have to get married in order to have sex today, is one of the major reasons that both men and women are delaying marriage or opting out of it completely. It is not because women are more capable and thus, more angry and defensive.

Whether you are a career focused, take charge, kind of woman or you are a family-oriented, Susie homemaker type of gal, the fact remains the same. If you have sex early in a relationship, before a commitment is established, the likeliness of cultivating something long term greatly diminishes. A recent study confirms that couples who engage in early hanky-panky had the worst relationship outcomes. Unfortunately in today’s datingsphere it is common for men to have different expectations on when sex is going to happen. If you are dealing with a guy who has had several past girlfriends put out too early, you may need to reel in his expectations with you. Many women don’t know how to do this and thus they simply give in because they feel obliged. In my book, Was it Something I Said? I talk about how to put off sex but still let a man know you are interested in him, and still keep him interested in you. That way you can continue to have a fun, exciting relationship while increasing your chances for a long term romance.

If there is any truth to female wrath scaring men from matrimony, it’s only due to having a premature sexual relationship. Have sex with a woman and then don’t call her for five days and yes, you will find her angry and defensive. But I ask you, can you blame her?

To learn how to tell a man you aren’t ready for sex, but still keep him in hot pursuit, as well as how to talk to men about other troublesome topics, check out “Was it Something I Said?: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas.”

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Will you ever find the perfect guy? : The answer is no

I went out last week with a girlfriend who is notorious for complaining about men. She’s been dating a new one for a few weeks now and is still very hung up on the fact that his eyebrows are a bit too bushy. That night she said to me, “Jess, I just don’t know if I can have sex with those eyebrows!” Which sounds funny but is also kind of sad. This is the tenth guy she’s dated this year. Yes, I said tenth! And every single one of them has had some atypical attribute she didn’t like. This time it’s the eyebrows, but last time it was the guy’s phone voice. The time before that, it was his bald spot. And the time before that, it was his hairy back. Basically every time she went out with a guy, she always found a physical flaw that ultimately drove her away.

Now, I am one person that has always advocated the motto, “Don’t settle for less than what you want.” I think you should go after whatever and whoever tickles your fancy. But there is a point where you can abuse the phrase. There is a BIG difference in settling for someone who treats you like dirt, or someone that doesn’t share any of the interests you do, than there is settling for bushy eyebrows — because hello, that can be easily changed with some gentle coaxing at the appropriate moment. I’ve noticed a lot of women that are single because they supposedly want to be, all have one thing in common: they are picky to a fault. I’ll admit I was a picky one too, but at some point you have to ask yourself, are you being impossibly picky? Are you expecting too much? I have a client who is 47 years old, has never married, and is the engineer on the picky train. She finds fault with everyone. And you know what, she always will. That is where the phrase, “no one is perfect” comes from. No one is perfect, so if you are looking for the flawless man with the perfect job, family, clothes and eyebrows, you will never find him. Even if you recant with the typical, “I just want someone who is perfect for me!” phrase, I assure you it still won’t exist. Men are just human, and they all have flaws, quirks, and misshaped eyebrows (or something else weird you won’t like.) And in some respect you also have to look at yourself and say, I’m not perfect either, so how can I expect someone else to be. Are you without flaw? Maybe according to you you don’t, but to someone else you may have many.

Most of the time I’ve noticed that women want something in a man that they themselves do not possess. But who we are, is who we attract. So if you don’t eat right and work out, how can you expect to attract someone who is in good shape? If you are frivolous with your money or always in debt, how can you expect to land a guy who is financially responsible?

I’ve learned over the course of my dating career that there are two things to put a top your priority list. 1) look for men with good character. Ones that have the values and goals you want, and not to spend too much time picking at the little things like eyebrows. And 2) the best way to attract a hard-working, attractive, fun and genuine guy is to be all those things yourself. Wouldn’t you agree?

If you are tired of having the same bad luck when it comes to relationships, DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT! Email me at coach@jessmccann.com and get a one-on-one personal consulting session. Together we will figure out what you could be doing wrong, or what you can be doing better so you get the relationship you deserve.

Also check out my book, You Lost Him at Hello and learn the tricks of the trade — Filling your Funnel, Height of Impulse, Mirror Theory — so you can close the deal with any guy you want. Give yourself or a friend the best gift – good advice. New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter@iamJessMcCann and check out my new book, Was it Something I Said, hitting stores January 2013.

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Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or chose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

Why He Chose Her Over You?

How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

Is He Losing Interest?

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