Why Arie Did It: Finding the “reason” behind a break-up

ariWe all watched last night as Arie said goodbye to fair-haired Lauren and popped the question to “Better choice Becca”. Most of us cheered, as Becca seemed to be the total package. Pretty, fit, smart, and as her still infatuated ex-boyfriend pointed out, “a girl with a heart of gold.” Who could ask for more? Apparently Arie. The confusing thing to many viewers is, he seems to be opting for less. Although Lauren is beautiful and obviously sweet, she doesn’t seem to have the basic conversational skills that most people have. Kind of hard to imagine growing old with someone that doesn’t have much to say about …well, anything.

So why make the trade? If Arie could see his future with both women, why suddenly decide that the one he committed to, the one he could talk and laugh with for hours, the one he said he’d never be bored by, is not the one he wants? As a dating and relationship coach, I answer questions like this all the time. I’m asked by clients coming off their own break-up, why would their man suddenly throw away a good thing? The “why” behind a split is very important when it comes to closure, because if you don’t have a reason that makes sense to you, it can take months or years to find peace and move on. Since all of us don’t want to spend months (God forbid years) wrestling with the Ari-Becca-Lauren triangle, I’ll go ahead and tell you my two cents on why things went down this way. None of which you will hear tonight when Arie tries to explain himself.

This Is Arie

I believe Arie did fall for both Becca and Lauren. But, as I told my husband, if he met Becca on his own, they would have dated for a while and then ended up parting ways. She was never going to be the girl for him long term because Arie is not a guy with a strong personality, or a lot of confidence (both of which Becca has.) Sure, he may be a former race car driver, and for a spell that probably gave him an ego boost, but now he’s out of that business, and as Arie himself put it, “he is just a guy that barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut (no offense Pizza Hut.) He is just not a “solid” guy. He’s a guy with doubts about himself and being coupled up with a women that is so self-assured and solid on her own doesn’t help give him his boost back. And that is what he’s looking for. He wants the girl that looks at him as if she’s struck gold, the girl that won’t challenge him, the girl who thinks everything he says or does is absolutely right and perfect because it soothes his own insecurities. With Becca they would be equal partners, and he’d rather be Lauren’s savior.

Let me be crystal clear on one thing here before I leave you, though. I do believe that Becca would have eventually grown frustrated and dissatisfied with Arie. After a few years together, she would have ended up wearing the pants in that relationship and I don’t think that’s what she ultimately envisions for herself. So, although she may be heartbroken now, I am confident that she will find a man that is much better suited for her. And to any single girls reading this thinking that you have to play dumb or be a “yes girl” to get a guy, that’s not the lesson here. Men love smart, confident women (case in point, Arie PICKED and PROPOSED to Becca first!) This is just what happened here with these three people and why Arie did what he did. In the end, he’s making the right decision for himself now. He and Lauren will probably get engaged and live happily ever after.

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Why Carly Leaves Brokenhearted, Jade Gets Engaged, and Ashley I. will remain single forever…

Ok, Ashley I. may not be single forever, but she will fly solo for several more years at least. I’ll explain more on that later. First, let’s talk about why Carly Waddell is going to leave Bachelor In Paradise in tears, especially when everything seemed to be going so well between her and Kirk Dewindt. It appeared that the two were inseparable as we watched them hang out, hook up, and fall deeper in love week after week. The truth is, although it felt like they had secured a solid relationship, the fact is that they were only in paradise for a total of 3 weeks of filming. So as Carly gushed and blushed about Kirk, even announcing on the fifth episode that she was eager to have sex with him, she had only truly known him for a matter of days. Although Kirk reciprocated her feelings to some extent, he did express concern to her about how fast the relationship was going. At that point, Carly should have red the writing on the wall and pumped the brakes! But she didn’t. And I believe this is why the relationship ended up failing. Her desire to have a relationship with Kirk overpowered her ability to hear what he was saying. Carly fell victim to same dating pitfall that thousands of other women do everyday – she thought only about what she wanted and ignored what Kirk needed.

If Carly had only been more aware of Kirk’s hesitation and mirrored his interest, things might have turned out differently. Which leads me to Jade and Tanner. Although they were both equally excited about the other, Jade was very careful to let Tanner voice his feelings first and let him set the pace of the relationship. She didn’t get overly hopeful that Tanner was “The One” and remained fairly cool, calm, and collected… how you really should be after only a couple of weeks of seeing someone. Tanner was able to still pursue Jade because of this, something that Carly took away from Kirk. With Jade, the challenge to win her over was still present, but with Carly it was obvious that she was there for the taking from day 1. For this reason, I predict that Jade and Tanner will be the ones to get engaged tonight.

And how much time do we have to spend on sweet but misguided, Ashley I.? Her heart is always in the right place, and she genuinely seems like a nice person, but she is another example of letting what you want supersede all other factors… even when the other factor is a completely uninterested male. She made it clear as crystal that Jared was the only guy she wanted from the moment she stepped on that sandy beach. She didn’t know him at all, but she made up her mind that it was Jared or bust. When you make that kind of decision, you are basing it on completely superficial reasoning. Sure, Jared turned out to be a nice, decent guy, but that isn’t why she went for him in the first place. As she said numerous times, it was his “perfect face” that did it for her and she wasn’t attracted to anyone else, nor willing to give anyone a chance. The self-proclaimed “picky princess” will continue to suffer heartache after heartache if she approaches all her relationships this way. She has to be open to getting to know a man on a deeper level before making a decision about how she feels about him. Until she does that, I’m afraid she’s going to have to stock up on her waterproof mascara because there will be many more tears in her future.

Have you ever wondered what is it that you did wrong with a guy? If you can’t figure out why he didn’t like you, or want to find out if there is a chance to win him back, contact Jess McCann for a personal consultation. Continue reading

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Making yourself “Break-Up Proof”

Ok, making yourself Break-Up Proof sounds impossible, right? In fact, I will admit that there is no way, no matter how smart, beautiful or successful you are, to make yourself impervious to break ups. But there are some people that do seem to handle the death of a relationship (pardon my drama), a little better than others.

I have a friend that I’ve known since college. We met when she was dating a guy named Alex. They dated for nine months and she was completely smitten with him. The problem was, Alex was smitten with anything in a short skirt. He had a terrible wandering eye. He told my friend he was in love with her, and we don’t think he ever strayed, but she just couldn’t handle Alex’s flirting. So they broke up after much debate. The next year may have been the worse of my friends life. I watched her plunge into a deep depression. For the first few months of the break up, she did nothing but sleep. She was in bed at three in the afternoon somedays. She cried at the drop of a hat, and put on about 20 pounds. Then she became obsessive about her ex’s whereabouts. She would keep in touch with his friends, and tried to hack into his email account. When her ex finally started dating another girl, she was hell bent on trying to sabotage their relationship. All in all, it was a terrible break up that consumed my friend for a good year.

Fast forward ten years. My friend now handles break ups like a champ. Whether she is doing the break up or being broken up with, doesn’t matter. Of course, she is sad, like anyone else would be, but all the craziness is gone. She doesn’t sit around the house, replaying every moment of the breakup in her head. She functions normally, goes about her workday and still hangs out with friends.

So what is it that made her change? Was it just growing up a bit? In college you are in your early twenties, and ten years later, we are all now thirty. So maybe that’s it? Or maybe Alex was just the love of her life and in the last ten years she hasn’t dated anyone she really cared about? No, I don’t think either is the answer. I know lots of women that are 40 and 50 years old and still come off break ups as bad as my college friend did. So how do you go from break up disaster, to break up proofing yourself? (As much as you can at least.)
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