You can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?
1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better. If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.
2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that. Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t. This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart. The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing. The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.
3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have. You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.
If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.
Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!
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It’s the part of my job that is the most fun – Taking photos of clients for their dating profiles! After a thorough review of a client’s profile, the first thing I usually tell them is that taking new photos will heavily increase their traffic (and therefore their chances to find love.) It’s not that their current photos are bad, I just know they can be better and with so much competition out there, it’s imperative to post the most flattering, yet authentic photo of yourself.
So I’ve decide to post a few of my favorite “Before” and “After” photos (with my client’s permission) in order to highlight a few of the most common photo flubs, and how to fix them.
1. Angle is everything. Yes, we all know how to take a selfie. Shoot from above. But in addition to holding the camera high, it’s best to also pull back on the subject. Look how much thinner my client appears in her after photo. The two pictures were taken around the same time, yet she looks as if she’s lost 20 pounds in the photo I took. The illusion of weight is due to the “before” pic being a little too close and cutting off the side of her arm. (And busy patterns don’t help the cause either.)
2. Lighting May Not Be Everything, But It’s Pretty Important. If you quickly glance the before photo, your first thought might be, “It was a windy day and her hair is blowing all over her face.” But look at the second photo. Her hair is blowing there, too. So why does it work in one photo and not the other? The answer is because the before pic was shot mid-day when the sun was right above my client, casting shadows all over her face and neck. The best time to take a picture is during the first hour that the sun comes up and the last hour before it goes down. If you have a shaded setting a few hours plus or minus will work as well. As you can see, the right lighting can capture the sparkle in your eyes, or the beauty of your smile. The wrong lighting can wash it all out.
3. Don’t Point And Click. Although our smartphone cameras have come along way, they still can’t compete with a digital SLR camera, and your friend’s photography skills cannot compare to those of a professional (unless your friend is also a dating coach or photographer.) As an expert in this field, we know what pose, what angle, what look, is going to produce the very best shot of you. So while it may seem that everyone is a photographer these days, I would say, yes but not everyone is a good one. Since you only have a handful of images to show someone who you are and entice them into meeting you, why risk a poor end result? Hire someone who knows what they are doing with a camera. It’s not life or death, but it may be date or no date.
Jess McCann is the author of “You Lost Him at Hello : Secret Strategies from America’s Top Dating Coach” and “Was It Something I Said: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas”
A few months ago, a new client asked me a very important question. “Why do some of your clients get married and others do not?” It got me thinking. What do my successful clients have in common, and what separates them from my clients that have not enjoyed the same kind of success?
I have thought about this before. Such a question, of course, always has many answers. People are different. They take advice differently. They listen and act differently. But what separates ultimate success from further frustration, failure and loneliness? Was it my clients’ willingness to self-improve that led them to love? Their perspective on relationships? Their resilience in time of disappointment? Actually, I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t any of those things. The answer, I think, is much simpler than that.
You see, the people who reach out to me have many problems in common. They have had difficulty finding love, and they usually see a negative pattern in all their relationships. They don’t know why the pattern keeps happening, which means they also do not know how to fix it. Most of the time I am able discern a lot of what is causing so much distress in just a few phone calls. But, just figuring the “why” behind their problem or pattern isn’t enough. As I am sure you all are aware, there are many, many pitfalls on the road to love, any one of which can end a relationship in a heartbeat. So, the real work comes after my diagnosis. Some people try to correct past mistakes and travel the road alone, only seeking more coaching when they stray or a big problem arises. Others, however, keep in close contact with me and have me walk them through the entire process- from how to meet someone, date appropriately, secure a commitment, and finally, get married. I have concluded that, right there, is the answer to the question of who is successful and who is not.
Since I have come to this conclusion, I have decided to change my coaching structure so that I can better and more effectively serve my clients, and they in turn can get better, and faster results. I am not a miracle worker (although a lot of my clients have disagreed when I say that) but I’m very certain that a longer term coaching program will work much better for any client desiring a healthy, happy relationship. Much like a trainer helping someone get in shape, it takes a time commitment on both sides, meeting regularly in order to stay on the right track and see results. Therefore, as of January 2018, I will stop doing single or package calls and emails, and I will be changing my business model to a six month coaching program for clients who are ready to make big changes in their love life. I do hope you will be one of them.
Whether you are single, actively dating, in a relationship, or even engaged or married, allow me to help you get the relationship you’ve always hoped for but have not yet achieved.
Here are the details of the 2018 Coaching Program:
Each month includes:
Two 50 minute coaching sessions via phone, Facetime, or in-person
Up to 10 emails for questions, updates, and advice
Emergency texting for time-sensitive situations
A full online dating profile make-over
One initial photo shoot with professional grade camera for profile (and you keep all the photos!)*
Relationship or couples counseling, as one or both of your sessions, if you are in a relationship (or when you get into one.)
Cost: (Currently offered only through Paypal) Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for the monthly subscription fee.
This new structure does mean that I can only take on a finite number of clients. Of course, I wish I could take on every woman (or man) in distress but being just one person, I have only so much time in a day. I will work on a first come, first served basis, and will go to a wait list for overflow. If you are interested and want to see if I have availability for you to join the program, please email me. And of course, if you have questions about the program, please do not hesitate to ask.
I hope you are as excited as I am with this new approach. I truly believe that it will be very beneficial for my clients, producing better and longer lasting results. I look forward to working with many of you and making 2018 the best year yet!