Why You Haven’t Found Your Person: Your Unconscious (and Toxic) Dating Pattern

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. Everyone around me is getting engaged. I can’t believe I’m this old and still single!”
Have you ever uttered these words? Maybe to a friend? Maybe to yourself? Have you sat there smiling at a girlfriends’ bridal shower only to secretly be thinking, “Why isn’t that me?” Are you feeling so frustrated by the lack of love in your life that you are almost ready to give up the dream of ever finding it?
If any of this sounds like you, rest assured you are not alone. There are millions of females that feel just as you do, and are struggling just as you are. Like you, they want to find their person in life, and are totally unsure as to why they haven’t yet. It wasn’t this hard for your parents, so why is so hard for you? Is it just today’s culture? Are you looking in the wrong places? Dating the wrong guys? Saying the wrong things? Whatever it is, you haven’t figured it out, so you don’t even know how to fix it.
Recently I received an email through my website that summed up all the dating woes that women seem to be feeling these days. It said, “Dear Jess. I’m so over dating I could just cry. I have joined every dating site, gone to every meetup group, and forced myself to be as friendly and engaging as possible. In the end, I may get a few dates, but they never amount to anything. It’s like the whole world has “gone casush” (short for gone casual) and no one wants a traditional relationship anymore. Is it really that things have changed so much, or is it me that’s causing these disastrous dating results?”
The answer is that yes, things have changed, but things have always been changing. Women used to get married by arrangement, and dates only took place with chaperones. That’s no longer the case, of course. Yes, times change, but honestly, love hasn’t. It’s out there and guys do want it, too. The problem I see for most girls and young women is that they have an unknown, toxic dating pattern that has them perpetually yielding the same results with guys over and over again. In fact, I’ve seen these undiscovered patterns pop up so much over the last ten years that after only speaking to someone for about an hour, I can usually indentify which one they have. In all, there are five, and some of the ramifications are as follows:
* The guys you like never like you back as much
* You get angry or frustrated with the guys you date fairly often
* You are alone (because you are pickier than most people)
* You feel like it’s just a matter of time before your relationship fails
* You feel jealous of other people’s relationships
* You can’t let go of a person or experience you’ve had in the past
which has made you untrusting and jaded
* You incessantly replay your conversations with people
* You’re always wondering where the relationship is going and then it doesn’t go anywhere
* You constantly compare yourself to other women and often feel like you are in competition with them
* You think if you were prettier/smarter/thinner you would probably be in a relationship
* You like things a very certain way to the point of perfectionism
* You need constant reassurance that someone likes you
If you can identify with any of the above listed items, it’s highly likely you have one of the 5 patterns that I’m speaking of. Now is the time to figure out what yours is specifically and correct it. I’m now offering coaching packages of 3 or 5 sessions either over the phone or through email. Send me an email at coach@jessmccann.com and ask for pricing (I promise, it’s worth it.)

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The 3 Reasons You May Be Cursed In Love

loveorlosingYou can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?

1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better. If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.

2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that. Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t. This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart. The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing. The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.

3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have. You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.

If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.

Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!

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Which guys will make bad husbands?

My mother used to always warn me about the guys that would make crappy husbands. She would say, “You know which guys will be bad husbands?” I’d look at her with a blank stare and no intelligible answer. I waited to hear what perils of wisdom she had that I hadn’t figured out yet. But the answer was not some secret passed on through the ages. The answer was simply, bad boyfriends. Bad boyfriends make bad husbands.

There is a new book out that everyone needs to read. It’s called, Blunder, and it has absolutely nothing to do with relationships. Although when I read it, I thought, “Wow, this has everything to do with relationships!” The book’s subtitle is, why smart people make dumb decisions, and it explains the seven reasons people make bad decisions. While reading it I couldn’t help but think of two friends of mine. One is a stunningly beautiful woman. She has a masters. She makes well over six figures and works very hard. She has lots of friends and admirers, and is often pursued by eligible men. The other friend is more on the plain side. Not the first person you would notice when she walks into a room. Got decent grades in school, but no advanced degree. She has a government job and enjoys her long weekends. By all accounts her life is pretty standard. Except last month, her handsome and successful boyfriend asked her to marry him. While my stunningly beautiful friend’s husband just left her for another woman.

I’m not exaggerating. My plain friend is engaged to a true catch. While my friend that seems to “have it all”, doesn’t know how to get it together. When I was reading, Blunder, it perfectly pointed out several reasons why my beautiful friend is so unlucky in love.

In the book, one of the blunders is called “Exposure Anxiety.” It’s defined as this — “Your need to appear strong and your fear of appearing weak makes you overcompensate and become aggressive unnecessarily.” This was the problem with stunning friends’ husband. He was often a bully and a hard head. He was as stubborn as a mule and always expressed his views with unwavering conviction…code for he never thought he was wrong. Inside this husband was actually a scared and weak person terrified that people would think less of him. But my friend never saw that. She saw a confident and strong man instead. She suffered from a blunder called, “Mirror Imaging.” Which is defined as thinking that everyone feels, thinks, and behaves as you do. My friend just couldn’t grasp that her husband was an insecure and self-centered guy. She would continually try to work with him, cater to him, and above all, worship him. She couldn’t see how his tough guy exterior could really be housing a self-conscience, coward.

My friend never saw her husband for who he really was. She was shocked and devastated when he walked out on her. But the rest of us always knew that day would come. You see, he was a horrible boyfriend to her. He flirted with other women to fill the void in his ego, and always threw a fit when he didn’t get his way. Continue reading

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The smartest woman to ever date

I just took on a new client earlier this month. She is my oldest client, well into her sixties, however, she also happens to be my smartest client. Not because she has an impressive career track, although she does. And not because she has more years of experience. When this client came to see me, she said something that no other client has ever said to me. Something that surprised me, and had me wishing for ten more just like her. The first question I ask all new clients is, “How is your current dating situation?” To which the reply … Continue reading

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