I love my female clients, and in truth, they are the bulk of my business. But every now and then a guy will sign up for my coaching program and it’s a very nice change of pace for me. It’s probably no surprise to those reading this, but when it comes to coaching men, the challenges that arise and the strategies we employ are totally different. Recently I was reminded of this when I gained another male client who was having a hard time getting matched on Tinder. Most guys complain that it takes twenty to fifty swipes to get just one match, and the chances of meeting up with said match are only 50-50 at best. This can lead to frustration, fatigue, and in some cases, feeling like a failure. The good news is that this is a workable problem. No, you will never achieve a 100% response rate when it comes to online match-ups, but there are many things that a guy can do to up his odds with women he’d like to meet.
You might think you need more hair, or less flab, but truthfully, whether a woman swipes on you or not has more to do with the feeling she gets from your photo – do you seem interesting? Confident? Sexy? Or is she about to tip off America’s Most Wanted because she is pretty sure she’s seen you someplace before and it’s not good…Ok, so that might be stretch (but those guys are out there). It’s more likely that your photo is simply not doing you justice or perhaps giving off an awkward or unappealing vibe. Here are some of my best photo-tips that are sure to up your swipe rate.
Contrary to what I tell women, for men it’s much better not to look directly at the camera and smile. Look just to the right or the left, and show just a bit of teeth. Call it creating mystery, intrigue, or just a sense of non-desperation, women find this appealing and are more likely to swipe right. However, if your second photo is a big mug shot of you, grinning like a Cheshire cat, you’ve blown it.
Have you ever noticed how big a face only photo looks on your phone? That’s usually okay if you are female but for guys, you are just asking a girl to run you over with a fine-toothed judgment comb. (Is that the beginning of a unibrow, I see?) Take your pictures from the waist up at minimum, but a full body shot works well, too.
It is assumption at it’s worst but it happens every day. If you are at a bar or holding a drink in your hand, women will assume you’re a party boy or an alcoholic. If you are standing with a bunch of women, she will assume you are player. If you are shooting a fire arm or at a gun range… yeah, even if she is a gun enthusiast, no woman is going to want to meet up with a stranger that she knows has access to a deadly weapon. Keep your photos simple. Just you, perhaps doing something outdoorsy (and non-threatening.) The only prop that women respond well to is of the canine persuasion. Sorry, no cats.
4. Learn to take a flattering selfie
If we have learned anything from Kim Kardashian (which may be the only thing), it’s to take portraits with the camera angling down. This doesn’t just apply to selfies. Make sure whoever is taking your picture knows how to use a camera and captures you from your best angle, in the best light, with your best outfit. Yes, all this stuff does make a difference.
When Jenny met Matt she thought it was true love. Finally, she had found a guy that did everything right. He would text her every day, pick her up at her house, pay for all their dinners, make plans in advance, and lavish her with compliments. He was perfect and after just three weeks, he was already saying those three little words.
So imagine Jenny’s surprise when after six weeks of dating, things started to change. The daily texts stopped first, and she began reaching out to him instead. Then the planning in advance came to a halt and it was all last minute, or late night get- togethers to “watch Netflix and Chill”. And finally, the amorous professions of love ended, and Jenny was left wondering where they stood.
“I feel like I need to have the DTR talk,” Jenny said to me one day. (That’s slang for Determine the Relationship.)
“I don’t think so,” I told her. “I think you know where your relationship stands. The question is, are you okay with it?”
“I was okay with it when he was paying more attention to me. Now I feel like I’m just there. How do I get him to be like he was before?” She asked me.
“Jenny, you’ve been “Love Bombed.” And the only thing you can do now is either accept the relationship for where it is now, or don’t accept it and move on.”
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is when a guy attempts to win you over with over-the-top displays of attention and affection, but then, after a matter of weeks that all stops. Love Bombing happens frequently in today’s culture because technology makes it so easy to “bomb” someone with words of affection and future promises without having to do anything more than lift a finger (or more accurately; two thumbs.) Some love bombing is normal. When a guy first meets a girl, and is attracted to her, he will naturally want to impress her by going above and beyond her expectations. As the relationship settles down a bit, and the two become a couple, however, the avid pursuit to “win” her over wanes, but should be replaced by a happy, contented relationship. The problem with Love Bombing happens when either the girl doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, and demands the constant attention and reassurance that Love Bombing provides, or the guy is using “LB” as a technique to sleep with a girl or get her attached to him for his own selfish purposes.
How To Spot A Serial Love Bomber
Jenny eventually learned that Matt was a serial Love Bomber, and routinely came on strong with all his other girlfriends. He wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a habit of coming being overly effusive when he wasn’t yet in a relationship. But not all guys are like Matt, and some will Love Bomb you just to get what they want, and then leave you confused, disappointed, and still very single.
It’s important to be able to know when you are being “Love Bombed” and to remain skeptical if you see any of the following signs within the first few weeks:
– He texts you “Good Morning, Beautiful” every morning and “Good Night, Beautiful” every night, even though you just met (or haven’t met in person.)
– He talks about future plans, vacations, and even marriage and you’ve only been on a handful of dates.
– He comments or likes all your posts the minute you post them.
– In almost every communication with you, he flatters you.
– He professes his feelings right from the start and tells you he’s “never felt this way about anyone” and “can’t believe he met someone (you) that is so beautiful, special, smart, etc” and “knows already that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”
Be wary of Love Bombers because they can reel you in, sleep with you, and move on without hesitation. If you think you are perpetual victim of Love Bombing and need professional help, please email me about coaching at firstname.lastname@example.org. Love Bombers are notoriously looking for “soft targets” – women with low self-esteem that they can bomb and manipulate. Don’t let yourself be a victim again.
Natalie had finally met someone she liked. After months of being online and going on multiple first dates, she met Henry. There was instant chemistry on their first date. He wasn’t the necessarily the best looking guy, but there was something about him she was definitely attracted to. Their second date was great too. They went to an Art exhibit and spent hours talking about their passions in life and dreams for the future. On their third date, Henry brought her flowers, took her to a five star restaurant and told her that he found her to be one of the most captivating women he’d ever met.
And suddenly Natalie wasn’t sure if she was that interested anymore.
Does this scenario sound familiar? Have you ever found yourself becoming less interested in someone because they became more interested in you? If so, then it is very likely you have a strong affinity for the chase… and it could very well keep you single or unhappily married for the rest of your life.
Many women today have become increasingly addicted to the chase without realizing it. These women claim to want a happy, healthy relationship, however, when the opportunity presents itself in the form of a emotionally available, interested man, they turn their nose up and walk the other way. Instead they repeatedly gravitate towards the guy that shows them just enough interest to keep them hanging on but not nearly enough to ever realistically plan a future with. Why? Because they find these guys challenging, exciting, and stimulating, and to a degree they are. But what you may not realize is that when the guy you are dating doesn’t call you one night it’s just annoying and frustrating. When your husband does that, it’s absolutely crushing. Marry the guy who makes you chase him, however, and that’s what you are signing up for.
For centuries, it was only socially acceptable for men to chase women and for the most part, females were more than happy to sit back and let their pursuers do their thing. Women wanted to be called on often, and delighted in hearing professions of love. Nowadays however, their are a large number of women that only feel comfortable when they are avidly chasing the object of their affection. They might claim that they are open to being wooed and won over, it just “has to be the right guy”. What they don’t realize is that the minute a man begins to act like he should when he’s truly interested in a woman, no matter how great of a guy he is, he has just turned himself into Mr. Boring, Mr. Predictable, Mr. Smothering… and finally just Mr. Wrong. But that’s not the guy’s fault, it’s yours.
Can you be fixed?
If this sounds like you and your beginning to wonder if you have an addiction to the chase, don’t despair. The first thing you must do is acknowledge the problem. Without awareness, you’ll be a victim to your unconscious emotions time and time again. For the most part, this love of the chase can be broken like any other addiction. It simply takes works, discipline, and time. Realize a good relationship stems from a good dating experience – and that means a man treating you well and showing you that he cares. It may take some getting used to if you have always shied away from this, but the first step in the right direction is going against what feels natural to you. Say yes to the man who is reliable, stable, consistent and available and no to the one who is challenging and erratic. It will take some getting used to at first, but keep in mind this is supposed to be a relationship, not an extreme sport. The high’s and low’s, twists and turns you’ve grown accustomed to don’t work well in a marriage. In fact, they usually lead to messy break-ups.
If you think you may be addicted to the chase, it may be time to consult a dating coach! End your self-sabotaging habits by contacting Jess McCann and inquiring about her coaching rates and packages.
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I went out last week with a girlfriend who is notorious for complaining about men. She’s been dating a new one for a few weeks now and is still very hung up on the fact that his eyebrows are a bit too bushy. That night she said to me, “Jess, I just don’t know if I can have sex with those eyebrows!” Which sounds funny but is also kind of sad. This is the tenth guy she’s dated this year. Yes, I said tenth! And every single one of them has had some atypical attribute she didn’t like. This time it’s the eyebrows, but last time it was the guy’s phone voice. The time before that, it was his bald spot. And the time before that, it was his hairy back. Basically every time she went out with a guy, she always found a physical flaw that ultimately drove her away.
Now, I am one person that has always advocated the motto, “Don’t settle for less than what you want.” I think you should go after whatever and whoever tickles your fancy. But there is a point where you can abuse the phrase. There is a BIG difference in settling for someone who treats you like dirt, or someone that doesn’t share any of the interests you do, than there is settling for bushy eyebrows — because hello, that can be easily changed with some gentle coaxing at the appropriate moment. I’ve noticed a lot of women that are single because they supposedly want to be, all have one thing in common: they are picky to a fault. I’ll admit I was a picky one too, but at some point you have to ask yourself, are you being impossibly picky? Are you expecting too much? I have a client who is 47 years old, has never married, and is the engineer on the picky train. She finds fault with everyone. And you know what, she always will. That is where the phrase, “no one is perfect” comes from. No one is perfect, so if you are looking for the flawless man with the perfect job, family, clothes and eyebrows, you will never find him. Even if you recant with the typical, “I just want someone who is perfect for me!” phrase, I assure you it still won’t exist. Men are just human, and they all have flaws, quirks, and misshaped eyebrows (or something else weird you won’t like.) And in some respect you also have to look at yourself and say, I’m not perfect either, so how can I expect someone else to be. Are you without flaw? Maybe according to you you don’t, but to someone else you may have many.
Most of the time I’ve noticed that women want something in a man that they themselves do not possess. But who we are, is who we attract. So if you don’t eat right and work out, how can you expect to attract someone who is in good shape? If you are frivolous with your money or always in debt, how can you expect to land a guy who is financially responsible?
I’ve learned over the course of my dating career that there are two things to put a top your priority list. 1) look for men with good character. Ones that have the values and goals you want, and not to spend too much time picking at the little things like eyebrows. And 2) the best way to attract a hard-working, attractive, fun and genuine guy is to be all those things yourself. Wouldn’t you agree?
If you are tired of having the same bad luck when it comes to relationships, DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT! Email me at email@example.com and get a one-on-one personal consulting session. Together we will figure out what you could be doing wrong, or what you can be doing better so you get the relationship you deserve.
Also check out my book, You Lost Him at Hello and learn the tricks of the trade — Filling your Funnel, Height of Impulse, Mirror Theory — so you can close the deal with any guy you want. Give yourself or a friend the best gift – good advice. New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter@iamJessMcCann and check out my new book, Was it Something I Said, hitting stores January 2013.
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My first question is, where are these girls buying their clothes from and why do they all want to be mistaken for strippers? Continue reading
May 30, 2010: Stephany Flores slipped on some jeans and a black T-shirt before she left her home in Lima for a night on the town. Five years earlier, Natalee Holloway put on her multi-colored halter top and headed out the door for some fun as well. Two women, both excited for the night ahead, and like so many single girls, possibly hoping for a chance encounter with romance. When they met Joran van der Sloot, neither would suspect that he’d be anything less than a gentleman. Continue reading