Why Arie Did It: Finding the “reason” behind a break-up

ariWe all watched last night as Arie said goodbye to fair-haired Lauren and popped the question to “Better choice Becca”. Most of us cheered, as Becca seemed to be the total package. Pretty, fit, smart, and as her still infatuated ex-boyfriend pointed out, “a girl with a heart of gold.” Who could ask for more? Apparently Arie. The confusing thing to many viewers is, he seems to be opting for less. Although Lauren is beautiful and obviously sweet, she doesn’t seem to have the basic conversational skills that most people have. Kind of hard to imagine growing old with someone that doesn’t have much to say about …well, anything.

So why make the trade? If Arie could see his future with both women, why suddenly decide that the one he committed to, the one he could talk and laugh with for hours, the one he said he’d never be bored by, is not the one he wants? As a dating and relationship coach, I answer questions like this all the time. I’m asked by clients coming off their own break-up, why would their man suddenly throw away a good thing? The “why” behind a split is very important when it comes to closure, because if you don’t have a reason that makes sense to you, it can take months or years to find peace and move on. Since all of us don’t want to spend months (God forbid years) wrestling with the Ari-Becca-Lauren triangle, I’ll go ahead and tell you my two cents on why things went down this way. None of which you will hear tonight when Arie tries to explain himself.

This Is Arie

I believe Arie did fall for both Becca and Lauren. But, as I told my husband, if he met Becca on his own, they would have dated for a while and then ended up parting ways. She was never going to be the girl for him long term because Arie is not a guy with a strong personality, or a lot of confidence (both of which Becca has.) Sure, he may be a former race car driver, and for a spell that probably gave him an ego boost, but now he’s out of that business, and as Arie himself put it, “he is just a guy that barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut (no offense Pizza Hut.) He is just not a “solid” guy. He’s a guy with doubts about himself and being coupled up with a women that is so self-assured and solid on her own doesn’t help give him his boost back. And that is what he’s looking for. He wants the girl that looks at him as if she’s struck gold, the girl that won’t challenge him, the girl who thinks everything he says or does is absolutely right and perfect because it soothes his own insecurities. With Becca they would be equal partners, and he’d rather be Lauren’s savior.

Let me be crystal clear on one thing here before I leave you, though. I do believe that Becca would have eventually grown frustrated and dissatisfied with Arie. After a few years together, she would have ended up wearing the pants in that relationship and I don’t think that’s what she ultimately envisions for herself. So, although she may be heartbroken now, I am confident that she will find a man that is much better suited for her. And to any single girls reading this thinking that you have to play dumb or be a “yes girl” to get a guy, that’s not the lesson here. Men love smart, confident women (case in point, Arie PICKED and PROPOSED to Becca first!) This is just what happened here with these three people and why Arie did what he did. In the end, he’s making the right decision for himself now. He and Lauren will probably get engaged and live happily ever after.

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Josh Murray and Jared Haibon: Who is the better guy?

If you have been watching Bachelor in Paradise, this question might be as obvious as, “what color is the sky?” Josh Murray has a reputation, and it’s not a very good one. His ex, Andi Dorfman, even penned a book about their tumultuous relationship and called him verbally abusive. So it would seem that Jared Haibon is the better guy, right? But then again, Jared has strung along Ashley for a year. Sure, we are made to think she’s crazy in love with no reason or reciprocity, but truthfully they had grown close over the last year and Jared seems to enjoy Ashley’s constant attention and adoration. Is that really what nice guys do?

So here are two guys. Both very attractive, and highly sought-after, but here is where Josh and Jared differ and where you can learn the difference between a genuine good-guy, and the guy you might not be able to trust.

(Before reading further, I’m going to caveat my assessment with this: I don’t know either person and this is based on reality TV, not an actual interpersonal experience. If this were a “real world” assessment I could stand by it completely, as should you if you come across this in your life.)

First, Jared. Jared, doesn’t talk about himself. Have you counted how many times Josh has used the word “I”? You should always be suspicious of someone who claims to know themselves inside and out and feels the need to defend his actions to the grave. At one point Jared made the comment that he might have needed to be a little more firm with how he felt or didn’t feel about Ashley, but he never tried to justify why he’s in the right and she (or America) is in the wrong. Josh, on the other hand, is making it seem like he’s his own trial lawyer in the case of Josh Murray’s reputation vs. American Perception. He just goes on and on about himself and his principles, and his beliefs, etc, etc.

Secondly, Jared is affectionate both verbally and physically with Caila, but it’s within reason. Josh on the other hand is making out with Amanda and talking about their relationship as if he were shipwrecked alone on that island for 40 years and just came across the first female in four decades! Here’s tip #2. Anytime a guy is making early promises to you, talking about future plans, or expressing amorous feelings in a short amount of time, be wary! Especially if he’s doing those things while unzipping your pants (or unzipping your pants the second you are alone.)

And last but most obvious, consider their history. Jared is not someone who, as far as I know, has bad past. He dated Kaitlyn, who still likes him. He rejected Ashley, who still likes him. And he had a thing with Emily, who still likes him. He’s still considered a good guy by the girls he’s been involved with. Josh has an ex-girlfriend who dislikes him so much she wrote an entire book about how awful he is! Yes, there are two sides to every story, however, when you are truly a nice, decent guy, no one says bad things about you because you handle conflict, let downs, and disagreements with grace and respect. You put the other persons feelings above your own. Don’t think we can say that about Joshy-pants. He seems to put himself first most, if not, all of the time (See my first point.)

If you want to learn more about dating, relationships, or The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want. Continue on to my advice blogs.

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Why Carly Leaves Brokenhearted, Jade Gets Engaged, and Ashley I. will remain single forever…

Ok, Ashley I. may not be single forever, but she will fly solo for several more years at least. I’ll explain more on that later. First, let’s talk about why Carly Waddell is going to leave Bachelor In Paradise in tears, especially when everything seemed to be going so well between her and Kirk Dewindt. It appeared that the two were inseparable as we watched them hang out, hook up, and fall deeper in love week after week. The truth is, although it felt like they had secured a solid relationship, the fact is that they were only in paradise for a total of 3 weeks of filming. So as Carly gushed and blushed about Kirk, even announcing on the fifth episode that she was eager to have sex with him, she had only truly known him for a matter of days. Although Kirk reciprocated her feelings to some extent, he did express concern to her about how fast the relationship was going. At that point, Carly should have red the writing on the wall and pumped the brakes! But she didn’t. And I believe this is why the relationship ended up failing. Her desire to have a relationship with Kirk overpowered her ability to hear what he was saying. Carly fell victim to same dating pitfall that thousands of other women do everyday – she thought only about what she wanted and ignored what Kirk needed.

If Carly had only been more aware of Kirk’s hesitation and mirrored his interest, things might have turned out differently. Which leads me to Jade and Tanner. Although they were both equally excited about the other, Jade was very careful to let Tanner voice his feelings first and let him set the pace of the relationship. She didn’t get overly hopeful that Tanner was “The One” and remained fairly cool, calm, and collected… how you really should be after only a couple of weeks of seeing someone. Tanner was able to still pursue Jade because of this, something that Carly took away from Kirk. With Jade, the challenge to win her over was still present, but with Carly it was obvious that she was there for the taking from day 1. For this reason, I predict that Jade and Tanner will be the ones to get engaged tonight.

And how much time do we have to spend on sweet but misguided, Ashley I.? Her heart is always in the right place, and she genuinely seems like a nice person, but she is another example of letting what you want supersede all other factors… even when the other factor is a completely uninterested male. She made it clear as crystal that Jared was the only guy she wanted from the moment she stepped on that sandy beach. She didn’t know him at all, but she made up her mind that it was Jared or bust. When you make that kind of decision, you are basing it on completely superficial reasoning. Sure, Jared turned out to be a nice, decent guy, but that isn’t why she went for him in the first place. As she said numerous times, it was his “perfect face” that did it for her and she wasn’t attracted to anyone else, nor willing to give anyone a chance. The self-proclaimed “picky princess” will continue to suffer heartache after heartache if she approaches all her relationships this way. She has to be open to getting to know a man on a deeper level before making a decision about how she feels about him. Until she does that, I’m afraid she’s going to have to stock up on her waterproof mascara because there will be many more tears in her future.

Have you ever wondered what is it that you did wrong with a guy? If you can’t figure out why he didn’t like you, or want to find out if there is a chance to win him back, contact Jess McCann for a personal consultation. Continue reading

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Why Ashlee Fraizer was eliminated: It was all in her KISS

On Monday night’s episode of the Bachelor, AshLee Fraizer will be eliminated. Although she is by far the most mature and level headed bachelorette of the group (her age of 32 may have a lot to do with that) there is something that AshLee was not wise to throughout her journey for love… She was unaware of the fact that she was a terrible kisser. I don’t mean that in the literal sense, as I saw her and Sean lock lips several times and he looked quite happy about it. I’m talking about the fact that AshLee didn’t use her K.I.S.S. principle. When talking to Sean or about Sean, she never Kept It Short and Simple. She didn’t just tell Sean how she felt, she gushed about it. AshLee had a sad story, no doubt about it, but in some ways she used Sean as her way to find that final happy ending for herself. That would have been fine, if she had waited until she got the final rose and got that happy ending first! Telling a man that he’s the love of your life and that you trust him completely is appropriate when you know he feels the same way. If you don’t, you must keep your thoughts and feelings short and simple so you don’t create imbalance in your relationship and end up scaring him away. What AshLee could have said to Sean was, “I like you a lot. I have a great time when I’m with you” instead of “I trust this man completely. I’m head over heels.” She gushes to Sean and about Sean, and frankly when you are just dating someone, and especially if he is dating other people, you just have to keep your amorous expressions short and simple.

Don’t misunderstand me, however. Men need you to tell them how you are feeling. Look at what happened to Lesley Murphy. In the “Sean Tells All” episode last week he admits that had she told him how she was feeling, things would have been different! “It would have been a game-changer,” said Sean. That tells you right there that you do have to tell a guy how you are feeling, but it is all in the delivery.

How and when you tell a man what you are feeling are the two most important points to consider. Lesley didn’t time it right, and AshLee didn’t deliver it appropriately. Some girls have a really hard time reading a man and knowing what the right words to say are. In my book, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas, I not only talk about using the K.I.S.S. principle to ensure that you aren’t overly effusive with your feelings, I also advise using the Mirror Theory so that you keep your words and actions in balance with his. If he says, “I really care about you”, you reply with, “I really care about you, too.” You mirror his words, it’s just that simple. If he “cares” about you, but you “love” him, he will undoubtedly feel pressure because you’ve just told him that your feelings surpass his. Then, not only is the pursuit of you over because he knows your feelings are stronger than his, he now has the added stress of figuring out his long term feelings right away. If you love him after all, he knows that you are a week or two a way from wanting a commitment from him. No woman can love a man and still just date him without repercussions (jealousy, insecurity, long talks about feelings, etc.)

My prediction is that Catherine will win because she has the most balanced approach with Sean. She’s fun and shows him how she feels about him, but she doesn’t over do it. That’s where you need to be when you are just dating someone – not too hot, not too cold, just right in the middle.

Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or chose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

Why He Chose Her Over You?

How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

Is He Losing Interest?


Also by Jess McCann

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You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches

To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann


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What you don’t know about this season’s Bachelor: One contestant puts him on the spot! (Exclusive)

If you caught this week’s season premiere of The Bachelor, you are probably already in love with Sean Lowe. He’s not only adorable and family oriented, but he’s also gentlemanly in a way that some of the other bachelor’s haven’t been in the past (you can thank that Texas upbringing!) And as if you needed yet another reason to love Sean, here is one more. In next week’s episode he tells one of the contestants, Robyn, that he, unlike some men, does not have a physical type.

“People look and me and assume I go for white girls with blond hair,” Sean says. “I’ve dated everyone. I mean, Hispanic, Persian, – my last girlfriend, Black. I don’t really have criteria. It’s the mind and the woman behind the physical appearance [that’s important.] I want someone who is sweet, I want someone who is intelligent, and I want someone who is funny and can have a good time.”

You have permission to swoon now.

Yes, one might assume that a guy with blond hair and blue eyes would be most attracted to someone of similar countenance but as Sean articulates so well, that person would be wrong. Sean just went up a notch in my book for being so open-minded and placing more importance on the real qualities that make a woman beautiful, but the person who went up ten notches is Robyn for asking the question in the first place! Robyn, who is one of the three remaining black women on the show, said she was hesitant to ask at first, not wanting to put Sean on the spot. The question could make some guys squirm, and she was nervous about how Sean might react to her directness. But as we can see in the video, Sean answers with, “This is the best question I’ve gotten all night. I love this question!” Just proving further that a woman who digs deep and asks good personal questions, becomes even more attractive to the guy she is with.

Don’t play it safe

When I begin coaching any new female client, I find that she usually shies away from asking her dates personal questions. Continue reading

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Why Ben will make the Biggest Mistake in Bachelor History (just my prediction, no spoilers I promise.)

I can hear all you women watching right now, screaming why God, why? Well, there is an explanation. You may not like it, but I’ll tell you what I believe is the reason that Ben chooses the most hated woman in Bachelor history to be his bride. Continue reading

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