Why Arie Did It: Finding the “reason” behind a break-up

ariWe all watched last night as Arie said goodbye to fair-haired Lauren and popped the question to “Better choice Becca”. Most of us cheered, as Becca seemed to be the total package. Pretty, fit, smart, and as her still infatuated ex-boyfriend pointed out, “a girl with a heart of gold.” Who could ask for more? Apparently Arie. The confusing thing to many viewers is, he seems to be opting for less. Although Lauren is beautiful and obviously sweet, she doesn’t seem to have the basic conversational skills that most people have. Kind of hard to imagine growing old with someone that doesn’t have much to say about …well, anything.

So why make the trade? If Arie could see his future with both women, why suddenly decide that the one he committed to, the one he could talk and laugh with for hours, the one he said he’d never be bored by, is not the one he wants? As a dating and relationship coach, I answer questions like this all the time. I’m asked by clients coming off their own break-up, why would their man suddenly throw away a good thing? The “why” behind a split is very important when it comes to closure, because if you don’t have a reason that makes sense to you, it can take months or years to find peace and move on. Since all of us don’t want to spend months (God forbid years) wrestling with the Ari-Becca-Lauren triangle, I’ll go ahead and tell you my two cents on why things went down this way. None of which you will hear tonight when Arie tries to explain himself.

This Is Arie

I believe Arie did fall for both Becca and Lauren. But, as I told my husband, if he met Becca on his own, they would have dated for a while and then ended up parting ways. She was never going to be the girl for him long term because Arie is not a guy with a strong personality, or a lot of confidence (both of which Becca has.) Sure, he may be a former race car driver, and for a spell that probably gave him an ego boost, but now he’s out of that business, and as Arie himself put it, “he is just a guy that barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut (no offense Pizza Hut.) He is just not a “solid” guy. He’s a guy with doubts about himself and being coupled up with a women that is so self-assured and solid on her own doesn’t help give him his boost back. And that is what he’s looking for. He wants the girl that looks at him as if she’s struck gold, the girl that won’t challenge him, the girl who thinks everything he says or does is absolutely right and perfect because it soothes his own insecurities. With Becca they would be equal partners, and he’d rather be Lauren’s savior.

Let me be crystal clear on one thing here before I leave you, though. I do believe that Becca would have eventually grown frustrated and dissatisfied with Arie. After a few years together, she would have ended up wearing the pants in that relationship and I don’t think that’s what she ultimately envisions for herself. So, although she may be heartbroken now, I am confident that she will find a man that is much better suited for her. And to any single girls reading this thinking that you have to play dumb or be a “yes girl” to get a guy, that’s not the lesson here. Men love smart, confident women (case in point, Arie PICKED and PROPOSED to Becca first!) This is just what happened here with these three people and why Arie did what he did. In the end, he’s making the right decision for himself now. He and Lauren will probably get engaged and live happily ever after.

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Why Ashlee Fraizer was eliminated: It was all in her KISS

On Monday night’s episode of the Bachelor, AshLee Fraizer will be eliminated. Although she is by far the most mature and level headed bachelorette of the group (her age of 32 may have a lot to do with that) there is something that AshLee was not wise to throughout her journey for love… She was unaware of the fact that she was a terrible kisser. I don’t mean that in the literal sense, as I saw her and Sean lock lips several times and he looked quite happy about it. I’m talking about the fact that AshLee didn’t use her K.I.S.S. principle. When talking to Sean or about Sean, she never Kept It Short and Simple. She didn’t just tell Sean how she felt, she gushed about it. AshLee had a sad story, no doubt about it, but in some ways she used Sean as her way to find that final happy ending for herself. That would have been fine, if she had waited until she got the final rose and got that happy ending first! Telling a man that he’s the love of your life and that you trust him completely is appropriate when you know he feels the same way. If you don’t, you must keep your thoughts and feelings short and simple so you don’t create imbalance in your relationship and end up scaring him away. What AshLee could have said to Sean was, “I like you a lot. I have a great time when I’m with you” instead of “I trust this man completely. I’m head over heels.” She gushes to Sean and about Sean, and frankly when you are just dating someone, and especially if he is dating other people, you just have to keep your amorous expressions short and simple.

Don’t misunderstand me, however. Men need you to tell them how you are feeling. Look at what happened to Lesley Murphy. In the “Sean Tells All” episode last week he admits that had she told him how she was feeling, things would have been different! “It would have been a game-changer,” said Sean. That tells you right there that you do have to tell a guy how you are feeling, but it is all in the delivery.

How and when you tell a man what you are feeling are the two most important points to consider. Lesley didn’t time it right, and AshLee didn’t deliver it appropriately. Some girls have a really hard time reading a man and knowing what the right words to say are. In my book, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas, I not only talk about using the K.I.S.S. principle to ensure that you aren’t overly effusive with your feelings, I also advise using the Mirror Theory so that you keep your words and actions in balance with his. If he says, “I really care about you”, you reply with, “I really care about you, too.” You mirror his words, it’s just that simple. If he “cares” about you, but you “love” him, he will undoubtedly feel pressure because you’ve just told him that your feelings surpass his. Then, not only is the pursuit of you over because he knows your feelings are stronger than his, he now has the added stress of figuring out his long term feelings right away. If you love him after all, he knows that you are a week or two a way from wanting a commitment from him. No woman can love a man and still just date him without repercussions (jealousy, insecurity, long talks about feelings, etc.)

My prediction is that Catherine will win because she has the most balanced approach with Sean. She’s fun and shows him how she feels about him, but she doesn’t over do it. That’s where you need to be when you are just dating someone – not too hot, not too cold, just right in the middle.

Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or chose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

Why He Chose Her Over You?

How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

Is He Losing Interest?

 

Also by Jess McCann

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You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches

To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann

 

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