My Date Tried To Rebate Me: How some guys retaliate when ghosted

RebateCara heard her phone buzz for the third time and ignored it again. She knew it was him – the guy she met off Tinder last night. He had already texted her twice before expressing his interest in another date, but Cara was already back on the app, swiping for someone new. She felt somewhat guilty for ghosting him, after all, he had taken her out a few times, treating her to expensive dinners, but she was afraid to actually say the words, “I’m not interested.” Even if it was over text.

Then, it came through. A payment request from Paypal for $175. Cara’s mouth dropped open. The guy she was trying to ghost was now trying to “rebated” her.

If you haven’t heard of “rebating” yet, you likely soon will. It’s a term I’ve coined for a new dating trend where guys are attempting to recoup money ill-spent on women who ghost them. As appalling, tacky, and bold as it may be, guys argue that dating these days is expensive, and to have someone only date you up until the point that the relationship would become physical, boarders on use. To be fair, many girls have been guilty of dinner-dating where they do use men for a free meal, however, other girls who are very keen on finding love have been advised to give a guy at least a few dates before deciding on them. After all, for many girls, love can grow.

So what do you do if your date tries to rebate you? One client of mine was rebated after meeting up with a guy off Bumble just one time. He wanted his $15 bucks back for the cocktail he bought her and attached a nasty note claiming she was disingenuous. Knowing how much this woman wants to find her person and settle down, she is anything but that. She did ghost him when he sent a follow-up text after their date, and perhaps that’s the key to the whole rebating trend. If a guy is ghosted he assumes the girl was using him for dinner-dating…although it’s hard to argue that if he only bought her one drink. In that case his rebating reads more into him and his bitterness at dating or women in general.

The best protection against being rebated seems to be transparency. If you don’t feel a connection with a guy, tell him. Be kind about it, and use a reason that feels as close to honesty can without being brutal. Use build-break-build and sandwich the bad news in between two positives about him. It is worth the awkward exchange in order to avoid dealing with a post-date rebate bill.

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Jess McCann is the author of “You Lost Him at Hello” and “Was It Something I Said”. She is also a dating and relationship coach. To learn more about about her coaching rates and packages, email her here.

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Proud To Be Prude: How to flip the script on guys just looking for nude pics, blow jobs, and hook-ups

StockSnap_0MBB2A09JAYou’ve been waiting all day to hear from him. He said he’d text you later and school has been out for almost an hour. Suddenly you hear a chime. Your stomach knots as you lunge for your phone. It’s him! You quickly unlock your home screen and wait for the message to appear. Then you see it.

“Send me a nude”

Your excitement has quickly turned into anxiety. What should you do? You like this guy. You want him to like you. But you don’t feel comfortable sending him a nude photo. You feel stuck because you know how this game usually goes for girls. You can send the pic, risk him passing it around to all of his friends and earn yourself a “slut” label, or deny him, lose his interest and he’ll start telling people you’re prude. Whatever you decide, you feel like you’ve already lost.

What To Do?
Let’s be real. You don’t want to send him a nude photo. You don’t want to send any guy a nude photo. You just want this guy to like you. You want him to be your boyfriend. Hold your hand. Care about you. That’s what you really want. And I’m telling you right now, sending that photo isn’t going to ensure that happens. The more likely scenario is just what you suspected. He will share it with his friends, it will circulate through your high school, and you will probably be slut-shammed like that girl in your Geometry class last week. Knowing this as well as you do should make you feel good about your decision to deny his request. But there is a consequence with that, too. Teenage boys are getting good at manipulating girls into giving them what they want. They know calling you a “prude” can hurt just as much, and they hope that pains you enough to give in.

But you are not a prude. No matter what any guy says. What you are is a girl who won’t be pushed or pressured by a guy into doing something she will surely regret later. And you would regret it. So what’s the best response? Is there anything you can do in order to keep this guys’ interest (because I know you still want it), but somehow prevent him from shaming you with the “prude” put-down?

There are several responses you can give and I’m going to help you with them. But before I lay them out, I want to say one thing. Girls often complain that all guys want from them is sex and that traditional dating is dead. But boys are not all to blame for this. Girls are giving in too easily to their salacious requests, or they are laughing them off which tells a guy that while you aren’t going to grant his wish, you are totally fine with him asking. And if you are fine with it, he will ask again because eventually he knows he will wear you down. The only way to change the dating atmosphere is to demand change, girls. There will always be a few females that will give the rest of us a bad rap, but if you all want to be treated with respect, don’t just whine and complain about it. Do what is necessary to get it!

You can use the replies below not only in response to his nude photo request. If any guy asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with – give him a blow-job, hook-up, have sex, experiment with other girls for his viewing pleasure, try a threesome, etc – these are a few of the ways to handle him.

(I assume all these communications are over text since it’s the most probable scenario.)

He says “Insert over-the-top sexual request” and you reply:

- With nothing

This is very powerful because you cannot be held to anything. Going silent will confuse him for sure, but it will also give him time to think about what he just asked of you and worry about how you’re taking it. Believe me, he doesn’t want to look bad either. You can let your non-response linger all day and night which will have him sweating by morning. Then, when you see him in the hall on your way to class, you can give him a half-smile as if to say, “I’m just going to let that one slide.” Or you can wave to let him know you have moved on from the incident. Either way, it’s not likely he will ask again (unless he’s a total idiot.)

- Seriously?! (with optional frowny face)

If this guy is going to be so bold as to ask you for a picture of your naked body, then you should be just as bold back. You don’t need to explain anything, this reply says it all. If he doesn’t text you again for the rest of the day, mission accomplished. You haven’t lost him. You’ve stood up for yourself and he got the message. He’s withdrawal means he’s feeling sheepish and rethinking his actions. Do not text him again. Wait a day and then act as if all is normal by smiling at him in class, or sending him an icebreaker tomorrow.

The rest of these responses speak for themselves.

- Ugh. Did you really just ask me that? I’m a little disappointed. I thought you were different from other guys.
I’m sorry, you have me mistaken for someone that doesn’t have any brains or morals.
How gentlemanly of you to ask!
Send me a pizza (since we are asking for things we like)
I like you, and since you are asking for that I am guessing you like me too. I’m not going to send you a nude photo, though. (Or give him a blow-job, or whatever else he’s asking.) I’m not prude, I just have standards. If you don’t like me now because of that, I guess I know what yours are.

And if you can’t muster the courage to send any of the above, here is a default response.
– Send a picture like this:

naked.baby If you want to know how to handle more sticky situations you can read my book, “Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas” or you can continue reading my blog for advice. Click here to load more blogs.

I’m also a dating and relationship coach, so you can contact me through my contact page to ask about coaching rates in person, over the phone or through email. If you are a teenager, or a woman under the age of 24, contact me for a special discounted rate (you just need to send a photo of yourself with drivers license for proof of age.) Continue reading

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Kim Kardashian & Kanye West Divorcing: Why it’s going to happen sooner or later

First let me say to Kim and Kanye, I’m sorry to use you as an example for other people. No one wants to be the model for what not to do in a marriage. At their core, I do believe that they are both good, decent human beings as most of us are. The problem is simply this: when you receive an astronomical amount of attention everyday from millions of people, many of them worshiping and adoring you for doing basically nothing for them (I mean, has Kim or Kanye ever called to see how your day was? Dropped off some take out when you weren’t feeling well? Asked if you needed help on moving day?) you begin to believe that just by being you, you deserve love. When you get 150,000 “likes” just from posting a photo of your backside, it can easily convince you that your mere existence is a gift to others. You no longer think you have to give love in order to get it. In fact, your daily agenda quickly becomes finding ways to illicit more love and attention for yourself, and you develop a “taker” mentality. When you have two people in a marriage who both are focused on “taking love” instead of giving it, the relationship quickly and conclusively, crumbles.

Celebrities, often become Cursed when it comes to relationships. The reason, mainly, is that they expect their partner to act as their biggest fan. While it’s necessary, for example, for Kim to support Kanye in his music career, travel to see him, celebrate his triumphs and comfort him in disappointment, unlike a fan, she expects and deserves reciprocity from him. A marriage can only survive when each person puts the other one first. Love can only thrive when two people are more interested in the others well being above and beyond their own. With a power couple like Kimye, where each person is a brand and each day must be lived to keep that brand alive, the focus is simply going to be more on “me” than on “you, or even “we”.

Where did they go wrong?

In the beginning of their relationship, I’m sure everything was fine. In fact, due to money being no object, I’ll bet Kim and Kanye were just perfect. So what happened? It’s been reported that Kanye was in love with Kim at first site and spent years pining after her. So why did that change? Why couldn’t that love sustain during marriage? As many relationships go, Kim and Kanye were on their best behavior in the beginning, but as they grew comfortable in their marriage and began going through different hardships (her robbery, his hospitalization), their default personalities took over, and they ended up interacting with each other not with heart, but with ego. Let’s look at Kanye for example. Kanye saw Kim as a prize to be won. He had it all, except for her. She was the one thing that he wanted but couldn’t get. Then, he finally got her and what a boost to his manhood! It made him feel good about himself to have her as his own. But after that ego high wears off, there is a person, a partner, and a marriage that has to be tended to. He cannot go back to being the old Kanye because now he is someone’s husband and father. He has to think of THEM, instead of himself. However, the ego cannot do that. The ego is only interested in “self.” So if Kim is expecting him to be thoughtful, giving, and caring towards her, (as we all would hope our spouse would be), she’s going to be disappointed. Kanye’s main focus is going to Kanye. He will be completely self-involved as he always has been, and she really can’t fault him for it because he was that way when they met.

Kim on the other hand, wants to love and be loved, as we’ve all heard her proclaim. But again, you have to be more focused on the other person to make love grow. With two kids and an empire built around her name, face, body, and backside, how can she really have time for anyone else? It’s just not even possible. And it’s especially impossible when you are married to someone who commands just as much attention as you do.

The only way to save their marriage would be for one of them to give up their career to fully support and help grow the others’. And with two people like Kim and Kanye, that is just not likely to happen.

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Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating book

It’s not unusual for Jess McCann to receive a frantic late night call from one of her clients, asking for advice while out on a date. And every single girl knows the frustration of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and wishing she could take it back and say something better. Well, now you can get it right the first time around with McCann’s indispensable dating survival guide.

Was It Something I Said? tackles some of the most tricky and troublesome scenarios in today’s complicated dating world. McCann uses real life situational questions that frequently come up in her date coaching practice and gives play-by-play instructions for how best to handle and respond to them. So if you’re not sure how to get him to stop texting and start calling, whether or not to “friend” him on Facebook, or if you should tell him you’re dating other guys, this book has the answers. It will empower you to handle love’s little challenges the right way–it’s like having your own personal dating coach! Continue reading

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Same Fight, Different Day: One little change that can make a big impact when communicating with your partner

“We just can’t seem to stop fighting,” he told me. “And when we do stop, and try to figure out how not to fight again, we get into another fight!”

I was sitting across from a newly married couple, attempting to save their marriage. The last year had been extremely volatile and they were both at their wits end. They didn’t know how to reach each other, make the other understand their side, and move on from whatever problem they were having. It’s not that they fought about everything, in fact, they had only had three fights over the last year. The problem was that they fought numerous times about those three things. I had talked to them each separately, and now we were all together trying to work through their issues and get to a final resolution.

Finally, we made some headway and the husband and wife came to terms with how to handle their communication going forward. But just as we were about to part ways, the husband brought up something the wife had said in one of their fights; something she had insisted she didn’t say.

“Absolutely you said that!” He insisted quite loudly.

“That isn’t what I said at all,” she shouted back, and then recounted her side of the story for the third time that day.

As I listened to them go back and forth, and watched both tempers rise again, it became pretty clear why they kept repeating the same arguments.

I asked the husband why he brought up what his wife had said when we had already discussed a plan to move forward from this particular argument. He stated that they needed to get the facts straights. It drove him crazy that she said certain things and then just forgot or denied that she said them. After all, what she said started the fight to begin with, in his opinion. The wife just sat there, shaking her head while he told me this.

“Why is it so important to you that she admit what she said?” I asked. “Since you have already resolved the argument and decided on how to move forward, what point is there in bringing up something she said during your fight? Are you looking for her to admit she made a mistake? Do you want an apology from her? What is your goal here?” I asked him.

He looked stunned for a second and drew a blank. He wasn’t sure. Why was he going over things she said when we had all come to a resolution on the problem. Like most couples, and the husband in particular in this case, they both had trouble letting go of things. This time, something the wife had either said, implied, or something the husband had inferred had hurt his feelings and angered him, and now he wanted her to admit her wrongdoing.

The Future Is More Important Than The Past

The problem with most feuds is that in the heat of an argument most people don’t say, or remember things that were said, accurately. Most of the time, their words are motivated by raw emotion and because of that we may not speak as clearly as we think we do and we certainly don’t hear as unbiasedly as we could. So, while it might make sense to go over exactly how a fight went down in order to figure out how to avoid it in the future, rarely do both sides remember an argument exactly the same way. That’s why rehashing your version and badgering the other person to concede, is pointless. What makes the most sense, and gets the fastest resolution is stating how you interpreted what they said and how they made you feel. And on the flip side, apologizing quickly for how your words came across.

Communication isn’t as easy as just saying whatever is on your mind, unfortunately. With a relationship, it’s mostly about learning how the other person interprets messages. Some people you can be quite blunt with, and with others you have to be more tactful. Certain people take offense easily, and others have a thicker skin. Learning each others “hot button words” and avoiding them is particularly helpful when having a disagreement. As is trying to remain objective and unemotional, even though the fight likely began because someone’s feelings were hurt. It’s not easy to do, but if you can try to remember you are both on the same team and work with, instead of against each other to find a solution, you’ll find you yourselves making amends much quicker.

The last thing I told this couple was for each of them to be mindful of the words they used to express their emotions. There would be a lot less to work through and forgive if they simply fought “above the belt” in the first place. That way, the past wouldn’t stick to them as easily, and their emotional wounds wouldn’t take so long to heal either. It’s human nature to meet anger with anger and lash out at someone when they are lashing out at you, but staying rooted in love even when you’re upset can make a world of difference in how your altercations play out. So, if your partner starts yelling and making verbal blows, don’t rise to meet him. Instead, bring him back to your level by remaining clam, grounded, and thoughtful about your ultimate goal… which shouldn’t be to unload frustration, but to get both of you to a better place of understanding going forward.

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Dating Debacles: Has This Ever Happened to You?

Between writing for Washington Life, and getting ready to start my next book, I am seeking out experiences and memories you have had in your search for the perfect mate. Continue reading

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I fell in love with a great guy, and then he changed.

dating tips, dating website, dating coachDear Jess
Last year, I met a great guy. We dated for two months and it was bliss. He was funny and sweet, and he complimented me regularly. I completely fell in love with him. By the third month, something changed. He started to occasionally become moody and irritated with me. At one point he told me that I acted stuck-up unless I was drinking and that I needed to work out more and eat less. I didn’t know how to react. Half the time he’s a wonderful, amazing person. The other half, he’s mean and I feel like I have to walk on eggs shells. How do I get him back to being wonderful 100% of the time? Danielle.

Dear Danielle

How do you get him to wonderful 100% of the time? You don’t. No one can be wonderful 100% of the time. So on those off moments, when a man is not at his best, you are seeing him for who he really is. Just as a team is defined by it’s weakest link, a person is defined at his or her worst. Most people’s “worst” is not bad at all. Maybe a they are a bit grouchy in the morning before they have coffee, but that is not the same as moody and mean. You fell in love after two months of dating, and it seems you didn’t really know the guy yet. You fell in love with who you thought he was, and who he wanted you to see. Unfortunately, he can’t hide it any longer. Take him for who he is: mean, moody and downright degrading, or leave him. It’s really that simple.

Jess

If you are tired of having the same bad luck when it comes to relationships, DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT! Email me at coach@jessmccann.com and get a one-on-one personal consulting session. Together we will figure out what you could be doing wrong, or what you can be doing better so you get the relationship you deserve.

Also check out my book, You Lost Him at Hello and learn the tricks of the trade — Filling your Funnel, Height of Impulse, Mirror Theory — so you can close the deal with any guy you want. Give yourself or a friend the best gift – good advice. New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter@iamJessMcCann and check out my new book, Was it Something I Said, hitting stores January 2013. Continue reading

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What do Relationships and Chinese Restaurant’s have in Common?

Last month my fiance had to go out of town for business. It was going to be a longer trip than usually because he had to fly overseas. So he said to me the night before he left, “Let’s go out to dinner. You pick the place. Anywhere you want to go.” I was excited and knew exactly where I wanted to eat. There is a fabulous Chinese restaurant a few miles from our house that has the best Peking duck. You have to make a reservation to get in, but because we had such a busy day that day, we didn’t get around to it. How bad could it be on a Sunday night anyway? Turns out, pretty bad. Continue reading

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