When Jenny met Matt she thought it was true love. Finally, she had found a guy that did everything right. He would text her every day, pick her up at her house, pay for all their dinners, make plans in advance, and lavish her with compliments. He was perfect and after just three weeks, he was already saying those three little words.
So imagine Jenny’s surprise when after six weeks of dating, things started to change. The daily texts stopped first, and she began reaching out to him instead. Then the planning in advance came to a halt and it was all last minute, or late night get- togethers to “watch Netflix and Chill”. And finally, the amorous professions of love ended, and Jenny was left wondering where they stood.
“I feel like I need to have the DTR talk,” Jenny said to me one day. (That’s slang for Determine the Relationship.)
“I don’t think so,” I told her. “I think you know where your relationship stands. The question is, are you okay with it?”
“I was okay with it when he was paying more attention to me. Now I feel like I’m just there. How do I get him to be like he was before?” She asked me.
“Jenny, you’ve been “Love Bombed.” And the only thing you can do now is either accept the relationship for where it is now, or don’t accept it and move on.”
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is when a guy attempts to win you over with over-the-top displays of attention and affection, but then, after a matter of weeks that all stops. Love Bombing happens frequently in today’s culture because technology makes it so easy to “bomb” someone with words of affection and future promises without having to do anything more than lift a finger (or more accurately; two thumbs.) Some love bombing is normal. When a guy first meets a girl, and is attracted to her, he will naturally want to impress her by going above and beyond her expectations. As the relationship settles down a bit, and the two become a couple, however, the avid pursuit to “win” her over wanes, but should be replaced by a happy, contented relationship. The problem with Love Bombing happens when either the girl doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, and demands the constant attention and reassurance that Love Bombing provides, or the guy is using “LB” as a technique to sleep with a girl or get her attached to him for his own selfish purposes.
How To Spot A Serial Love Bomber
Jenny eventually learned that Matt was a serial Love Bomber, and routinely came on strong with all his other girlfriends. He wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a habit of coming being overly effusive when he wasn’t yet in a relationship. But not all guys are like Matt, and some will Love Bomb you just to get what they want, and then leave you confused, disappointed, and still very single.
It’s important to be able to know when you are being “Love Bombed” and to remain skeptical if you see any of the following signs within the first few weeks:
– He texts you “Good Morning, Beautiful” every morning and “Good Night, Beautiful” every night, even though you just met (or haven’t met in person.)
– He talks about future plans, vacations, and even marriage and you’ve only been on a handful of dates.
– He comments or likes all your posts the minute you post them.
– In almost every communication with you, he flatters you.
– He professes his feelings right from the start and tells you he’s “never felt this way about anyone” and “can’t believe he met someone (you) that is so beautiful, special, smart, etc” and “knows already that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”
Be wary of Love Bombers because they can reel you in, sleep with you, and move on without hesitation. If you think you are perpetual victim of Love Bombing and need professional help, please email me about coaching at email@example.com. Love Bombers are notoriously looking for “soft targets” – women with low self-esteem that they can bomb and manipulate. Don’t let yourself be a victim again.
Actually it’s neither. If you are wondering why Tierra acts the way she does, I can tell you why with certainty. She is not a bad person. She truly believes what she says when she declares, “They are all so mean to me! I haven’t done anything!” The problem is that Tierra has something that many women suffer from. After all, we all know women like her, don’t we? Attention needy, competitive, defensive, but then can be sweet as pie. You may wonder why some girls act like this, and if they are even conscious of their behavior. The answer is, no. They don’t know how they come across, because they have what I call, the Curse. No it’s not a spell, it’s just what I used to describe this mental state because it not only brings out a dark side, it also prevents people from finding love. Most Cursed women don’t know why their relationships never work out, so they usually say, “I must be cursed!” Hence the name.
The Curse is hard to explain in a 500 word blog, but in a nutshell, when you are Cursed, you only think about yourself and you only see things from your viewpoint. It’s almost impossible to see things from another person’s perspective. You may know people like this, but they only act self-centered some of the time. Their Curse may just come out in certain instances, like when boys are around, or when they are in competition at work, or perhaps when it comes to grades at school (and who knows, maybe Tierra’s Curse only surfaces while on Reality T.V.) But, suddenly your sweet best friend, becomes a darker version of themselves. You think, “What happened? Why did she change? Why does she get like this in these circumstances?” Well, that’s the Curse.
I guarantee that when Tierra was little she was a different person than she is now. As children, we are not Cursed. But as we grow up and experience life, the Curse slowly descends upon us. One way the Curse gets us is through our parents. Perhaps we were told over and over that we are SO beautiful and perfect, that when we went out into the world and others did not praise us similarly, we felt disappointed and disliked. When parents are too doting, they don’t realize they are teaching their children to receive love only, and not to give it. If this is Tierra’s case, she would then try her whole life to get love from a man…at any cost.
The Curse also happens when you are abandoned as a child, or neglected. You want love so bad that when you grow up, it is the only thing you want, and you will stop at nothing to get it. However, you again, are seeking only to receive love because you have not figured out that you actually have it to give.
Either way you get the Curse, it’s what makes someone like Tierra act the way they do. They get their feelings hurt very easily and they crave attention constantly. The Curse always wants more for itself. The person who has the Curse doesn’t have the ability to think of others because the Curse keeps the focus only on yourself and what you want. Cursed people often vacilliate between feeling entitled and feeling victimized. The Curse can often turn someone into a People Pleaser, which you might think is a selfless quality, but think again. The reason People Pleasers please is because the want something from you – attention, love, acceptance. So although it seems they are doing a good deed for another, the motivation is to gain something for themselves. All forms of the Curse stem from craving attention, which is often confused with love.
Again, Tierra does not know how she comes off, and truly believes she’s being attacked for no reason other than jealousy. I guarantee she WANTS to be a good person who is likable, but as typical with all Cursed people, she does not know how. When you are Cursed, you’ve been thinking a certain way for so long, that you don’t know anything else. You are trapped in a thought-pattern you can’t break. And the real you is buried deep inside until you make a change to break the Curse.
Here are some signs of the Curse (they vary in people):
If there is one thing Amy S. knows for sure, it’s how she feels about her ex boyfriend.
“I don’t know what I saw in him,” she says now. “But at the time, I was so in love I couldn’t see straight.”
Amy had dated Clayton, a real estate broker in D.C., for nearly five years when she discovered he was cheating on her. She took him back for a short period of time only to find out once again that he was cheating.
“I thought there was something wrong with me,” she tells me one afternoon. “Here was this gorgeous guy with all the fixin’s – degree from Georgetown, condo in the city, running in the right circles – and I couldn’t get him to commit.”
Amy says she tried ten different strategies to make the relationship work – from backing off to practically moving in. Nothing seemed to steady she and Clayton’s volatile status. Finally she just gave up and let go.
“I cried for a long time and blamed myself. It took me years to finally realize that I was not the problem and that Clayton wasn’t as great as I thought he was.”
Amy says she learned the hard way that good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean good in person. I myself have seen too many women duped into thinking a great resume equals a great guy. Although a few of our suburbs were recently named some of the best places to find rich singles (Arlington weighed in at #2) that does not necessarily guarantee that you as a woman have your pick of the Nation’s litter. Just because a man has the right look, the right job and the right degree, doesn’t automatically indicate that you are getting the best guy. In the metro area, there are a lot of Clayton’s: Guys that only look like husband material on the surface. They are the guys that will wine and dine you, but won’t ever commit. They are the ones that will tell you every detail about their life, but fail miserably at asking about yours. They drop names, as well as car models and measure their worth by their vast collection of passport stamps. Some girls call these men players, or bad boys, or even jerks, but doing so would elevate them to a higher caliber than justified. After all, labeling a guy “a player” suggests that no woman is good enough to tie him down. No, I prefer to brand these kinds of guys more accurately and call them what they really are. Losers. For at the core of every bad boy, every jerk and every womanizer is simply a loser that happens to dress well.
Harsh? Maybe. Appropriate? Absolutely.
Allow me to lift the wool from your eyes and reveal the telltale signs of a loser. First off, you have to look past the well-packaged exterior and investigate what is inside. If you are the type to fall fast for a handsome face, your Lose-O-Meter will need to be recalibrated because loser’s these days have had aesthetic upgrades. Secondly you have to know that the true measure of a man does not rest in his bank account, job title, handsome face or 5-series. It rests solely in his character. And a man’s character can be seen in one very clear and unmistakable way: How he treats other people, especially those from whom he has nothing to gain.
A man of character respects others and therefore earns others respect. When you start dating someone new, ask yourself this; how does he treat the man refilling his drink? The girl he has no interest in? The friend that is in trouble? A real man does the right thing even when no one is watching. When a loser does something selfless he makes a public service announcement.
A man of character displays strength and discipline. A Player has neither.
A man of character knows the value of a good woman. A Bad Boy does not.
And a man of character is in complete control of his emotions. A Jerk let’s his run his life.
If you want to know if a man is worth his salt, don’t size him up by the clothes he wears, the people he knows, or the places he travels. Those things are trivial and don’t represent worth. Any fool with a Visa can buy a Rolex or fly across the globe. A real man is defined by his integrity and good nature; if he is true to his word, if he is moral in his beliefs, and if he is confident enough to carry them out.
Next time you meet a man that you find interesting, don’t be so easily won over by his attractive exterior. Instead dig deeper and find out what kind of person exists beneath the surface. Because like Amy, you may waste years thinking that you are dating the total package, when in reality the guy may just be a Loser in Sheik’s clothing.
For more on what to look for in a man, visit my blog on Washington Life and learn, “What your “must-have” list is missing.”New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter @iamJessMcCann or you can email me for a consultation here.
By now we’ve seen all Tiger Woods’ scripted apology to America. Whether or not you took it as a heartfelt admission of wrong doing is completely up to you. As I listened, I personally, wasn’t thinking about Tiger’s sincerity. I really didn’t care if he was full of remorse or regret. Instead I thought to myself, is there anything worse you can do to a woman than cheat on her and have unprotected sex with multiple women? It’s pretty disgusting to think about the man you love banging a porn star without a condom and bringing that back to your bedroom. I can only imagine how hurt, betrayed, and angry his wife is at this moment. However, even as bad as this whole Tiger mess is, I actually don’t think it’s the worse thing a guy can do to you. Continue reading
Between writing for Washington Life, and getting ready to start my next book, I am seeking out experiences and memories you have had in your search for the perfect mate. Continue reading
My mother used to always warn me about the guys that would make crappy husbands. She would say, “You know which guys will be bad husbands?” I’d look at her with a blank stare and no intelligible answer. I waited to hear what perils of wisdom she had that I hadn’t figured out yet. But the answer was not some secret passed on through the ages. The answer was simply, bad boyfriends. Bad boyfriends make bad husbands.
There is a new book out that everyone needs to read. It’s called, Blunder, and it has absolutely nothing to do with relationships. Although when I read it, I thought, “Wow, this has everything to do with relationships!” The book’s subtitle is, why smart people make dumb decisions, and it explains the seven reasons people make bad decisions. While reading it I couldn’t help but think of two friends of mine. One is a stunningly beautiful woman. She has a masters. She makes well over six figures and works very hard. She has lots of friends and admirers, and is often pursued by eligible men. The other friend is more on the plain side. Not the first person you would notice when she walks into a room. Got decent grades in school, but no advanced degree. She has a government job and enjoys her long weekends. By all accounts her life is pretty standard. Except last month, her handsome and successful boyfriend asked her to marry him. While my stunningly beautiful friend’s husband just left her for another woman.
I’m not exaggerating. My plain friend is engaged to a true catch. While my friend that seems to “have it all”, doesn’t know how to get it together. When I was reading, Blunder, it perfectly pointed out several reasons why my beautiful friend is so unlucky in love.
In the book, one of the blunders is called “Exposure Anxiety.” It’s defined as this — “Your need to appear strong and your fear of appearing weak makes you overcompensate and become aggressive unnecessarily.” This was the problem with stunning friends’ husband. He was often a bully and a hard head. He was as stubborn as a mule and always expressed his views with unwavering conviction…code for he never thought he was wrong. Inside this husband was actually a scared and weak person terrified that people would think less of him. But my friend never saw that. She saw a confident and strong man instead. She suffered from a blunder called, “Mirror Imaging.” Which is defined as thinking that everyone feels, thinks, and behaves as you do. My friend just couldn’t grasp that her husband was an insecure and self-centered guy. She would continually try to work with him, cater to him, and above all, worship him. She couldn’t see how his tough guy exterior could really be housing a self-conscience, coward.
My friend never saw her husband for who he really was. She was shocked and devastated when he walked out on her. But the rest of us always knew that day would come. You see, he was a horrible boyfriend to her. He flirted with other women to fill the void in his ego, and always threw a fit when he didn’t get his way. Continue reading
I was listening to the Kane show on 99.5. For those of you who aren’t familiar with one of his bits called, War of the Roses, allow me debrief you. Listeners of the show who believe their significant other is cheating on them, call into Kane in order to find out if in fact they are being betrayed. Kane pretends to be the manager of a local florist and calls up the suspected cheater. He tells the cheater they have just won a dozen roses and all he needs is a name and address of who to send the beautiful and romantic bouquet to. Pause. This is when said cheater either gives Kane the name of their boy or girlfriend, or blurts out the name of their side dish (fyi, this always turns out the same way.) When the side dish is named by name, the SO who has been on the line the whole time either breaks down into a full on fit or…well, actually that is usually what happens. They start screaming, crying, and cursing all at the same time. But this morning I heard something I have NEVER heard on the Kane show before. I heard something that made me want to reach through the radio, grab the caller and shake some much needed sense into him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I think the cheater is scum and feel bad for the other person, but I can honestly say I side with the cheater this time.
Take a listen to this War of the Roses.
How painful is that?!?! Omg. I can’t believe that guy. Please, if anyone knows this guy tell him to contact me. I want to give him a full Man Make-over. This guy has a long life of loneliness ahead of him. Mark my words, he’s going to suffer the same fate in his next relationship as well. If you know someone, male or female that acts like this, please send them the link. They need to learn that this type of sad behavior will NEVER make someone love them. Love and respect must go hand and hand and this guy clearly has no respect for himself. If you are in a relationship where you give, give, give and the other person just takes, takes, takes, I’m sorry, but you have no one to blame but yourself. He calls her selfish? He’s a doormat and a dummy. Unless you are 16 and have zero dating experience, you should be able to recognize when someone is using you. Doing nice things for someone will not make them love you. Giving them gifts, taking them on trips and catering to whatever they want will only make them lose respect for you. Continue reading