Proud To Be Prude: How to flip the script on guys just looking for nude pics, blow jobs, and hook-ups

StockSnap_0MBB2A09JAYou’ve been waiting all day to hear from him. He said he’d text you later and school has been out for almost an hour. Suddenly you hear a chime. Your stomach knots as you lunge for your phone. It’s him! You quickly unlock your home screen and wait for the message to appear. Then you see it.

“Send me a nude”

Your excitement has quickly turned into anxiety. What should you do? You like this guy. You want him to like you. But you don’t feel comfortable sending him a nude photo. You feel stuck because you know how this game usually goes for girls. You can send the pic, risk him passing it around to all of his friends and earn yourself a “slut” label, or deny him, lose his interest and he’ll start telling people you’re prude. Whatever you decide, you feel like you’ve already lost.

What To Do?
Let’s be real. You don’t want to send him a nude photo. You don’t want to send any guy a nude photo. You just want this guy to like you. You want him to be your boyfriend. Hold your hand. Care about you. That’s what you really want. And I’m telling you right now, sending that photo isn’t going to ensure that happens. The more likely scenario is just what you suspected. He will share it with his friends, it will circulate through your high school, and you will probably be slut-shammed like that girl in your Geometry class last week. Knowing this as well as you do should make you feel good about your decision to deny his request. But there is a consequence with that, too. Teenage boys are getting good at manipulating girls into giving them what they want. They know calling you a “prude” can hurt just as much, and they hope that pains you enough to give in.

But you are not a prude. No matter what any guy says. What you are is a girl who won’t be pushed or pressured by a guy into doing something she will surely regret later. And you would regret it. So what’s the best response? Is there anything you can do in order to keep this guys’ interest (because I know you still want it), but somehow prevent him from shaming you with the “prude” put-down?

There are several responses you can give and I’m going to help you with them. But before I lay them out, I want to say one thing. Girls often complain that all guys want from them is sex and that traditional dating is dead. But boys are not all to blame for this. Girls are giving in too easily to their salacious requests, or they are laughing them off which tells a guy that while you aren’t going to grant his wish, you are totally fine with him asking. And if you are fine with it, he will ask again because eventually he knows he will wear you down. The only way to change the dating atmosphere is to demand change, girls. There will always be a few females that will give the rest of us a bad rap, but if you all want to be treated with respect, don’t just whine and complain about it. Do what is necessary to get it!

You can use the replies below not only in response to his nude photo request. If any guy asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with – give him a blow-job, hook-up, have sex, experiment with other girls for his viewing pleasure, try a threesome, etc – these are a few of the ways to handle him.

(I assume all these communications are over text since it’s the most probable scenario.)

He says “Insert over-the-top sexual request” and you reply:

- With nothing

This is very powerful because you cannot be held to anything. Going silent will confuse him for sure, but it will also give him time to think about what he just asked of you and worry about how you’re taking it. Believe me, he doesn’t want to look bad either. You can let your non-response linger all day and night which will have him sweating by morning. Then, when you see him in the hall on your way to class, you can give him a half-smile as if to say, “I’m just going to let that one slide.” Or you can wave to let him know you have moved on from the incident. Either way, it’s not likely he will ask again (unless he’s a total idiot.)

- Seriously?! (with optional frowny face)

If this guy is going to be so bold as to ask you for a picture of your naked body, then you should be just as bold back. You don’t need to explain anything, this reply says it all. If he doesn’t text you again for the rest of the day, mission accomplished. You haven’t lost him. You’ve stood up for yourself and he got the message. He’s withdrawal means he’s feeling sheepish and rethinking his actions. Do not text him again. Wait a day and then act as if all is normal by smiling at him in class, or sending him an icebreaker tomorrow.

The rest of these responses speak for themselves.

- Ugh. Did you really just ask me that? I’m a little disappointed. I thought you were different from other guys.
I’m sorry, you have me mistaken for someone that doesn’t have any brains or morals.
How gentlemanly of you to ask!
Send me a pizza (since we are asking for things we like)
I like you, and since you are asking for that I am guessing you like me too. I’m not going to send you a nude photo, though. (Or give him a blow-job, or whatever else he’s asking.) I’m not prude, I just have standards. If you don’t like me now because of that, I guess I know what yours are.

And if you can’t muster the courage to send any of the above, here is a default response.
– Send a picture like this:

naked.baby If you want to know how to handle more sticky situations you can read my book, “Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas” or you can continue reading my blog for advice. Click here to load more blogs.

I’m also a dating and relationship coach, so you can contact me through my contact page to ask about coaching rates in person, over the phone or through email. If you are a teenager, or a woman under the age of 24, contact me for a special discounted rate (you just need to send a photo of yourself with drivers license for proof of age.) Continue reading

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“Love Bombing”: The Dangerous Dating Tactic That Can Leave You Brokenhearted

When Jenny met Matt she thought it was true love. Finally, she had found a guy that did everything right. He would text her every day, pick her up at her house, pay for all their dinners, make plans in advance, and lavish her with compliments. He was perfect and after just three weeks, he was already saying those three little words.

So imagine Jenny’s surprise when after six weeks of dating, things started to change. The daily texts stopped first, and she began reaching out to him instead. Then the planning in advance came to a halt and it was all last minute, or late night get- togethers to “watch Netflix and Chill”. And finally, the amorous professions of love ended, and Jenny was left wondering where they stood.

“I feel like I need to have the DTR talk,” Jenny said to me one day. (That’s slang for Determine the Relationship.)
“I don’t think so,” I told her. “I think you know where your relationship stands. The question is, are you okay with it?”
“I was okay with it when he was paying more attention to me. Now I feel like I’m just there. How do I get him to be like he was before?” She asked me.
“Jenny, you’ve been “Love Bombed.” And the only thing you can do now is either accept the relationship for where it is now, or don’t accept it and move on.”

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is when a guy attempts to win you over with over-the-top displays of attention and affection, but then, after a matter of weeks that all stops. Love Bombing happens frequently in today’s culture because technology makes it so easy to “bomb” someone with words of affection and future promises without having to do anything more than lift a finger (or more accurately; two thumbs.) Some love bombing is normal. When a guy first meets a girl, and is attracted to her, he will naturally want to impress her by going above and beyond her expectations. As the relationship settles down a bit, and the two become a couple, however, the avid pursuit to “win” her over wanes, but should be replaced by a happy, contented relationship. The problem with Love Bombing happens when either the girl doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, and demands the constant attention and reassurance that Love Bombing provides, or the guy is using “LB” as a technique to sleep with a girl or get her attached to him for his own selfish purposes.

How To Spot A Serial Love Bomber

Jenny eventually learned that Matt was a serial Love Bomber, and routinely came on strong with all his other girlfriends. He wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a habit of coming being overly effusive when he wasn’t yet in a relationship. But not all guys are like Matt, and some will Love Bomb you just to get what they want, and then leave you confused, disappointed, and still very single.

It’s important to be able to know when you are being “Love Bombed” and to remain skeptical if you see any of the following signs within the first few weeks:

– He texts you “Good Morning, Beautiful” every morning and “Good Night, Beautiful” every night, even though you just met (or haven’t met in person.)

– He talks about future plans, vacations, and even marriage and you’ve only been on a handful of dates.

– He comments or likes all your posts the minute you post them.

– In almost every communication with you, he flatters you.

– He professes his feelings right from the start and tells you he’s “never felt this way about anyone” and “can’t believe he met someone (you) that is so beautiful, special, smart, etc” and “knows already that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”

Be wary of Love Bombers because they can reel you in, sleep with you, and move on without hesitation. If you think you are perpetual victim of Love Bombing and need professional help, please email me about coaching at coach@jessmccann.com. Love Bombers are notoriously looking for “soft targets” – women with low self-esteem that they can bomb and manipulate. Don’t let yourself be a victim again.

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Why You Don’t Have A Boyfriend: Could You Have “The Curse?”

Darcy is a fashion consultant in NYC. Like most people in the fashion industry, she not only works in it, she lives for it. Darcy goes to great lengths to make sure her image is perfect. Every extra penny in her paycheck goes to enhancing her wardrobe or maintaining her appearance. She’s a petite blond with a very outgoing personality; so finding a boyfriend would seemingly be easy for her. But Darcy has been on dozens of first dates in the last two years and none of them have resulted in a second. She is active online and is approached when she is out, but over the last few years a pattern has emerged and the initial attraction she gets from guys never lasts long.
One day Darcy called me in a frenzy.
“It happened again!” She cried hysterically.
“What did?” I asked.
“The guy I went out with last night hasn’t texted me. We had a great time. He was so funny and cute. He even said we should go out again. I don’t understand it. This happens every time I go out with someone! What am I going to do? Everyone around me is getting married and here I am without even a boyfriend. My friend Jackie isn’t even that attractive and she is dating this unbelievable guy! I’m getting older with each passing day and my eggs are going to shrivel up and die soon!”
I reassured Darcy that at twenty-six her eggs were not in jeopardy just yet. I knew that lacking in initial attraction was not her problem, because she was asked out quite often. However, Darcy was losing the interest she did get in a very short amount of time. Something she was doing or saying on the first date was turning guys off so much, they didn’t want to sit through round two and get to know her better.
Darcy was a nice girl with a very attractive exterior. She wasn’t mean spirited or lacking in confidence. But she did have a habit of constantly talk about herself and her life. She also spent a great deal of time comparing herself to everyone around her. This had a big impact on her socially and romantically. She was jealous of her friends who so easily met their significant others. It seemed so unfair that she struggle with love while other people found it so easily. It wasn’t uncommon for her to skip bridal showers or engagement parties. It was difficult for her to act happy for others when she was so miserable herself. Even just seeing a couple holding hands on the street was enough to send her into a tailspin.
Darcy didn’t see her habit to compare herself as a problem. She assumed her lacking love life was due to the fact that she was inexperienced in the relationship department. She had only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the last of whom cheated on her repeatedly, and the one before disappeared without warning. In her opinion, her inexperience was a strike against her marketability. She was sure that all the guys she went out with wanted someone just a little bit sexier, thinner, and a lot more seasoned.
Before she went on dates, Darcy prepped herself for hours. She spent half the day doing her hair and make-up. Quite often she would texts pictures of herself to her friends asking how she looked before she left the house. When she arrived on her dates, Darcy was excited but also consumed with nervous energy. While she tried to be engaging and personable, she didn’t realize that most of the time she was rambling on about herself. Whenever she did stop and let her date get a word in, her mind churned in analysis of what she said. She wondered how she had come off to him. Did he still think she was attractive? Did she wear the right dress? Who else was he going out with, and was she as pretty? Instead of being present and working to get to know her date, she was on a continuous search for clues that he liked her enough to go out with her again.
Darcy would do a little Internet searching before, after, and sometimes even during, her dates. She would click through the guy’s pictures on Instagram or Facebook looking for any signs of him hanging out with other girls. If he did have pictures with females, Darcy would compare herself to all of them and stress about not being as beautiful. After hours of comparing and analyzing, she always was quite sure her date was not going to call her. And although he never did, it wasn’t for the reason she thought.

“The Curse” of The Contestant (An excerpt from my newest book: This is one of five “Curses”)

The Contestant “Curse” is the easiest to spot. The reason I call them Contestants is because they act as if their entire life is a competition. They spend a lot of time comparing themselves to others, and feel as if they always have something to prove, whether it is to other people or just to themselves. They also thrive on attention from other people. In all of their relationships they view themselves as the “leading role” and anyone else is either supporting or an audience member.

Contestants often vacillate between feeling really good about themselves and extremely bad. If she is having a good day, and believes she is measuring up to her preset standard, a Contestant will have very positive self-focused thoughts about herself. But on days when she goes too long without reassurance or approval, her “Curse” begins to turn those positive self-focused thoughts into negative ones. When that happens, she will frantically begin searching for a way to get attention and give herself a boost. She might post a selfie online hoping to get flattering comments, or text someone she has little interest in, but who she knows will lavish her with compliments. It’s not unusual for a Contestant to collect male followers, or have several virtual relationships going at the same time. The more guys that are interested in her, the better she feels about herself. Most Contestants use men to maintain a happy, confident feeling. This is one of the reasons why they have trouble deeply connecting with one person, and why they are the most unfaithful of all Curses. If something goes wrong with their relationship, they have little problem turning to someone else who will make them feel better. Some Contestants may even keep a side relationship going for no reason other than their thirst for attention is more than what one man can provide.
Guys who date this type of woman find her to be high maintenance, attention-needy, narcissistic, and dramatic. Men who are in a relationship with her find her to be exhausting, moody, and selfish.

Living to Win
Because life is viewed as a competition, Contestants feel happiest when they are seemingly “winning”. At times they might just seek a personal “win”, for instance, getting a certain amount of likes on a post, but often their need to win attracts them to romantic situations where their can be winners and losers. Their Curse confuses love with winning, so it unconsciously seeks out situations where it can put it’s worth to the test.
Darcy, for instance, held on to her last boyfriend for two years, despite the fact that he cheated on her twice, and they broke up every few months. When I asked her why she persisted in trying to work things out with him, she admitted that if he finally decided to be faithful to her she would feel like it would validate her worth because she would be considered “good enough to change him”. She wanted to be “the girl” who was so special he reformed. A Cursed motivation if I ever heard one! She felt if she let him go without accomplishing that, however, it meant she was just the loser who was not good enough to commit to, and the next girl he got involved with would ultimately be dubbed the winner.
Of course, the truth was that Darcy’s boyfriend was a selfish man, who was Cursed himself. He believed he was Superior to women and because of that, he thought he was above fidelity. Committing to one woman was lame and no fun because it didn’t fulfill his insatiable need to always feel like he was dominating something. Because Darcy was Cursed too, however, she couldn’t see this. Instead she spent most of their relationships trying to make herself worthy of her boyfriend’s love. This is one of the Curse’s cruelest tricks. It makes you hold on to the false hope that one day you’ll be enough to change someone, as if your worth has anything to do with them committing.
If you are a Contestant, you might be attracted to people who need fixing because correcting them feels like an achievement. You don’t realize that your motivation to change someone is more for your benefit than theirs. Darcy wasn’t looking to make her relationship work because she loved her boyfriend. No, she was looking to make it work so she could feel like a winner. Is a woman using a man to heighten her feelings of worthiness any better than a guy cheating on her? In Darcy’s eyes, she didn’t see it that way but the reality is she did not love her boyfriend any more than he loved her.
Normal, healthy relationships don’t provide a struggle, and so if you are a Contestant, you might also naturally gravitate to men that are currently in a relationship, or even married. Triumphing over another woman and winning the “prize” of a man’s love is exactly what this Curse wants. Even if you are kept on the side for years, you will have trouble letting go and moving on because you will feel like you “lost” the guy to someone else. Of course, if you do get the guy, and there is no competition going on, you might get bored and restless. This is why Contestants are often in drama-filled relationships. Anyone who is emotionally available and genuinely wants to love you, isn’t challenging. If someone you are dating turns out to be a nice, normal guy, you may find yourself picking him apart, asking him for space, and causing drama to create a win/lose situation for yourself. The guy will have no idea where your hot and cold behavior stems from and might assume you are just afraid of commitment. He may at first play your little back-and-forth game, but if he’s a decent person, your behavior may push him to anger, resentment, and finally, disinterest.
If you seem to always gravitate towards “challenging” guys or situations, you may very well be a Contestant who is just searching for opportunities to win in order to feel good about yourself. Holding on to an unhealthy and unpredictable relationship provides the opportunity for you to have daily wins. If things go well one day, you feel you’ve succeeded in the game. It’s important to recognize the attraction you have to someone may not be anything more than a Curse tendency or preference. It’s very likely is not your real self being genuinely drawn to someone.

Dating Dud
Their habit to self-obsess has Contestants tanking in the dating department. Whether it’s getting a guy interested or keeping him that way, The Contestant often sabotages her chances. This Curse has one goal in mind when it sits down in front of a man and that is to “wow” him and gain his approval. If the Contestant feels she has done a good job of impressing, she will deem the date a success. However, she doesn’t realize that while she’s busy thinking of new ways to dazzle her date and gain more interest, she’s oblivious to how the date is actually going.
This was the biggest reason Darcy had difficulty getting second dates. When she sat down with men, she not only talked too much, but she talked about things that were so centered on her own interests and so motivated by her own attention seeking nature that men quickly became bored with the conversation. Darcy repeatedly suffered from the most frequent effect of the Contestant Curse -when you spend most of your time thinking about yourself, you automatically spend most of your time talking about yourself.
If you asked her, Darcy would deny monopolizing any conversations. She knew to ask her dates questions and felt she did a good job inquiring about their lives. What she didn’t realize was as soon as the guy started talking, her Cursed mind immediately related whatever he was saying to her own experiences and opinions. “I have something to say about that!” she thought. Or, “I can impress him with this story!” Before her date could even finish completing a sentence, Darcy would jump in with her thoughts, leaving the guy feeling like she really didn’t care what he had to say. Even though she was going through the right motions, because her intention was coming from a self-absorbed place, she was never fully engaged as a listener, and therefore, never really engaged with any man she went out with. Paying attention to someone else, even someone she liked, was short and fleeting because her mind would always subconsciously wonder back to, “How can I show him I’m interesting”, or, “How do I get him to really fall for me?
There are Contestants, however, have mastered dating and having guys pursue them. They have figured out how to play “the game” so guys initially fall hard for them. They are good at flirting, don’t answer texts too soon, and they know how to play a little hard to get. But just because they can skillfully maneuver the “getting him interested” phase, doesn’t mean they sail effortlessly into a serious relationship. They don’t. Many find it quite difficult, in fact, because they are only confident in the beginning stages of dating when the guy is in pursuit of them. If the chase slows, even for a brief second, they begin to question themselves as well as the guy’s feelings.
Betsy had a history of 2-3 month relationships. When she reached out to me for the first time it was because she had recently met someone she liked and was worried that his interest was starting to fade. When I asked her what signs she was getting that indicated a loss of interest, she said it was mostly a feeling that she was losing the upper hand. After two months of dating, she felt that her boyfriend wasn’t trying as hard to win her over as he did in the beginning. Even though he was still contacting her and asking to see her on a regular basis, she felt that he wasn’t paying as much attention to her anymore.
Normally when Betsy began feeling this way, her self-focused thoughts and emotions would take over. She would often start playing harder to get in order to provoke attention. In previous relationships, she would cancel plans to incite a fear of loss, or purposely flirt with someone else in order to make the guy jealous. She wanted to know what to do this time in order to make her boyfriend want her more and focus more attention on her.
What Betsy did not realize was that she was fighting the normal progression of any relationship. At some point, the chase must end so the real relationship can begin and true love can develop. I told her she needed to recognize that her focus in her relationships was concentrated on how much attention and reassurance she was getting from the guy and her attempts to incite jealousy or worry was all in order to feed this self-absorbed craving. It’s only natural that men will relax a little and be more themselves the longer you date them and that is a good thing. If you expect them to bring you flowers every week, plan lavish dates your whole life, or focus 100% attention on you everyday, you are not only signing up for major disappointment, you are going to drain your partner of all his energy and love for you. The truth was that the men Betsy dated were not truly losing interest like she assumed, she just didn’t understand the transition period from dating to a relationship. She didn’t know that eventually she had to stop making the man chase her and start giving back. Because she was Cursed, she perceived relaxed behavior on the guy’s part as disinterest and tried to stir up his emotions. She would spontaneously get mad at little things, or give him the cold shoulder so he would chase her again. Most guys interpreted these attention-getting attempts on her part as drama and backed away. In the end, it was simply Betsy’s hunger for attention that eventually caused men to lose interest and nothing else.
In the beginning, men don’t mind that the relationship is one-sided and they are expected to do all the heavy lifting, but as the relationship progresses over the course of a few weeks or months, they expect the relationship to balance out. After all, a relationship, and especially marriage, is a partnership and men are looking for potentially partners – someone who they can love but who will also genuinely love them back. They want someone who they can rely on and receive support from. Someone who will think about them. The Contestant is not a good candidate because she needs too much from him, and by comparison, gives very little in return.

To read more of my book, The Curse: Why You Can’t Find Or Keep The Love You Want and The 5 Cures That Can Help, subscribe to my Facebook and Twitter account for updates on when it will hit Amazon!

 

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Josh Murray and Jared Haibon: Who is the better guy?

If you have been watching Bachelor in Paradise, this question might be as obvious as, “what color is the sky?” Josh Murray has a reputation, and it’s not a very good one. His ex, Andi Dorfman, even penned a book about their tumultuous relationship and called him verbally abusive. So it would seem that Jared Haibon is the better guy, right? But then again, Jared has strung along Ashley for a year. Sure, we are made to think she’s crazy in love with no reason or reciprocity, but truthfully they had grown close over the last year and Jared seems to enjoy Ashley’s constant attention and adoration. Is that really what nice guys do?

So here are two guys. Both very attractive, and highly sought-after, but here is where Josh and Jared differ and where you can learn the difference between a genuine good-guy, and the guy you might not be able to trust.

(Before reading further, I’m going to caveat my assessment with this: I don’t know either person and this is based on reality TV, not an actual interpersonal experience. If this were a “real world” assessment I could stand by it completely, as should you if you come across this in your life.)

First, Jared. Jared, doesn’t talk about himself. Have you counted how many times Josh has used the word “I”? You should always be suspicious of someone who claims to know themselves inside and out and feels the need to defend his actions to the grave. At one point Jared made the comment that he might have needed to be a little more firm with how he felt or didn’t feel about Ashley, but he never tried to justify why he’s in the right and she (or America) is in the wrong. Josh, on the other hand, is making it seem like he’s his own trial lawyer in the case of Josh Murray’s reputation vs. American Perception. He just goes on and on about himself and his principles, and his beliefs, etc, etc.

Secondly, Jared is affectionate both verbally and physically with Caila, but it’s within reason. Josh on the other hand is making out with Amanda and talking about their relationship as if he were shipwrecked alone on that island for 40 years and just came across the first female in four decades! Here’s tip #2. Anytime a guy is making early promises to you, talking about future plans, or expressing amorous feelings in a short amount of time, be wary! Especially if he’s doing those things while unzipping your pants (or unzipping your pants the second you are alone.)

And last but most obvious, consider their history. Jared is not someone who, as far as I know, has bad past. He dated Kaitlyn, who still likes him. He rejected Ashley, who still likes him. And he had a thing with Emily, who still likes him. He’s still considered a good guy by the girls he’s been involved with. Josh has an ex-girlfriend who dislikes him so much she wrote an entire book about how awful he is! Yes, there are two sides to every story, however, when you are truly a nice, decent guy, no one says bad things about you because you handle conflict, let downs, and disagreements with grace and respect. You put the other persons feelings above your own. Don’t think we can say that about Joshy-pants. He seems to put himself first most, if not, all of the time (See my first point.)

If you want to learn more about dating, relationships, or The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want. Continue on to my advice blogs.

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The Bachelor’s Tierra : Misunderstood or Miss Mega Bitch?

Actually it’s neither. If you are wondering why Tierra acts the way she does, I can tell you why with certainty. She is not a bad person. She truly believes what she says when she declares, “They are all so mean to me! I haven’t done anything!” The problem is that Tierra has something that many women suffer from. After all, we all know women like her, don’t we? Attention needy, competitive, defensive, but then can be sweet as pie. You may wonder why some girls act like this, and if they are even conscious of their behavior. The answer is, no. They don’t know how they come across, because they have what I call, the Curse. No it’s not a spell, it’s just what I used to describe this mental state because it not only brings out a dark side, it also prevents people from finding love. Most Cursed women don’t know why their relationships never work out, so they usually say, “I must be cursed!” Hence the name.

The Curse is hard to explain in a 500 word blog, but in a nutshell, when you are Cursed, you only think about yourself and you only see things from your viewpoint. It’s almost impossible to see things from another person’s perspective. You may know people like this, but they only act self-centered some of the time. Their Curse may just come out in certain instances, like when boys are around, or when they are in competition at work, or perhaps when it comes to grades at school (and who knows, maybe Tierra’s Curse only surfaces while on Reality T.V.) But, suddenly your sweet best friend, becomes a darker version of themselves. You think, “What happened? Why did she change? Why does she get like this in these circumstances?” Well, that’s the Curse.

I guarantee that when Tierra was little she was a different person than she is now. As children, we are not Cursed. But as we grow up and experience life, the Curse slowly descends upon us. One way the Curse gets us is through our parents. Perhaps we were told over and over that we are SO beautiful and perfect, that when we went out into the world and others did not praise us similarly, we felt disappointed and disliked. When parents are too doting, they don’t realize they are teaching their children to receive love only, and not to give it. If this is Tierra’s case, she would then try her whole life to get love from a man…at any cost.

The Curse also happens when you are abandoned as a child, or neglected. You want love so bad that when you grow up, it is the only thing you want, and you will stop at nothing to get it. However, you again, are seeking only to receive love because you have not figured out that you actually have it to give.

Either way you get the Curse, it’s what makes someone like Tierra act the way they do. They get their feelings hurt very easily and they crave attention constantly. The Curse always wants more for itself. The person who has the Curse doesn’t have the ability to think of others because the Curse keeps the focus only on yourself and what you want. Cursed people often vacilliate between feeling entitled and feeling victimized. The Curse can often turn someone into a People Pleaser, which you might think is a selfless quality, but think again. The reason People Pleasers please is because the want something from you – attention, love, acceptance. So although it seems they are doing a good deed for another, the motivation is to gain something for themselves. All forms of the Curse stem from craving attention, which is often confused with love.

Again, Tierra does not know how she comes off, and truly believes she’s being attacked for no reason other than jealousy. I guarantee she WANTS to be a good person who is likable, but as typical with all Cursed people, she does not know how. When you are Cursed, you’ve been thinking a certain way for so long, that you don’t know anything else. You are trapped in a thought-pattern you can’t break. And the real you is buried deep inside until you make a change to break the Curse.

Here are some signs of the Curse (they vary in people):

  • You don’t have a lot of friends, or you change friends a lot. You may not even have a real best friend.
  • Your relationships never work out. Usually they end in disaster.
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How to Spot a Loser in Sheik’s Clothing

LoserinSheik'sIf there is one thing Amy S. knows for sure, it’s how she feels about her ex boyfriend.

“I don’t know what I saw in him,” she says now. “But at the time, I was so in love I couldn’t see straight.”

Amy had dated Clayton, a real estate broker in D.C., for nearly five years when she discovered he was cheating on her. She took him back for a short period of time only to find out once again that he was cheating.

“I thought there was something wrong with me,” she tells me one afternoon. “Here was this gorgeous guy with all the fixin’s – degree from Georgetown, condo in the city, running in the right circles – and I couldn’t get him to commit.”

Amy says she tried ten different strategies to make the relationship work – from backing off to practically moving in. Nothing seemed to steady she and Clayton’s volatile status. Finally she just gave up and let go.

“I cried for a long time and blamed myself. It took me years to finally realize that I was not the problem and that Clayton wasn’t as great as I thought he was.”

Amy says she learned the hard way that good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean good in person. I myself have seen too many women duped into thinking a great resume equals a great guy. Although a few of our suburbs were recently named some of the best places to find rich singles (Arlington weighed in at #2) that does not necessarily guarantee that you as a woman have your pick of the Nation’s litter. Just because a man has the right look, the right job and the right degree, doesn’t automatically indicate that you are getting the best guy. In the metro area, there are a lot of Clayton’s: Guys that only look like husband material on the surface. They are the guys that will wine and dine you, but won’t ever commit. They are the ones that will tell you every detail about their life, but fail miserably at asking about yours. They drop names, as well as car models and measure their worth by their vast collection of passport stamps. Some girls call these men players, or bad boys, or even jerks, but doing so would elevate them to a higher caliber than justified. After all, labeling a guy “a player” suggests that no woman is good enough to tie him down. No, I prefer to brand these kinds of guys more accurately and call them what they really are. Losers. For at the core of every bad boy, every jerk and every womanizer is simply a loser that happens to dress well.

Harsh? Maybe. Appropriate? Absolutely.

Allow me to lift the wool from your eyes and reveal the telltale signs of a loser. First off, you have to look past the well-packaged exterior and investigate what is inside. If you are the type to fall fast for a handsome face, your Lose-O-Meter will need to be recalibrated because loser’s these days have had aesthetic upgrades. Secondly you have to know that the true measure of a man does not rest in his bank account, job title, handsome face or 5-series. It rests solely in his character. And a man’s character can be seen in one very clear and unmistakable way: How he treats other people, especially those from whom he has nothing to gain.

A man of character respects others and therefore earns others respect. When you start dating someone new, ask yourself this; how does he treat the man refilling his drink? The girl he has no interest in? The friend that is in trouble? A real man does the right thing even when no one is watching. When a loser does something selfless he makes a public service announcement.

A man of character displays strength and discipline. A Player has neither.

A man of character knows the value of a good woman. A Bad Boy does not.

And a man of character is in complete control of his emotions. A Jerk let’s his run his life.

If you want to know if a man is worth his salt, don’t size him up by the clothes he wears, the people he knows, or the places he travels. Those things are trivial and don’t represent worth. Any fool with a Visa can buy a Rolex or fly across the globe. A real man is defined by his integrity and good nature; if he is true to his word, if he is moral in his beliefs, and if he is confident enough to carry them out.

Next time you meet a man that you find interesting, don’t be so easily won over by his attractive exterior. Instead dig deeper and find out what kind of person exists beneath the surface. Because like Amy, you may waste years thinking that you are dating the total package, when in reality the guy may just be a Loser in Sheik’s clothing.

For more on what to look for in a man, visit my blog on Washington Life and learn, “What your “must-have” list is missing.”New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter @iamJessMcCann or you can email me for a consultation here.
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The Worst Thing A Guy Can Do To You…

By now we’ve seen all Tiger Woods’ scripted apology to America. Whether or not you took it as a heartfelt admission of wrong doing is completely up to you. As I listened, I personally, wasn’t thinking about Tiger’s sincerity. I really didn’t care if he was full of remorse or regret. Instead I thought to myself, is there anything worse you can do to a woman than cheat on her and have unprotected sex with multiple women? It’s pretty disgusting to think about the man you love banging a porn star without a condom and bringing that back to your bedroom. I can only imagine how hurt, betrayed, and angry his wife is at this moment. However, even as bad as this whole Tiger mess is, I actually don’t think it’s the worse thing a guy can do to you. Continue reading

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Dating Debacles: Has This Ever Happened to You?

Between writing for Washington Life, and getting ready to start my next book, I am seeking out experiences and memories you have had in your search for the perfect mate. Continue reading

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Posted in Am I in a relationship of convenience?, Breaking up, Cheating, dating and hooking up, does my boyfriend still love me, get a guy to approach you, get him to be your boyfriend | 2 Comments

Which guys will make bad husbands?

My mother used to always warn me about the guys that would make crappy husbands. She would say, “You know which guys will be bad husbands?” I’d look at her with a blank stare and no intelligible answer. I waited to hear what perils of wisdom she had that I hadn’t figured out yet. But the answer was not some secret passed on through the ages. The answer was simply, bad boyfriends. Bad boyfriends make bad husbands.

There is a new book out that everyone needs to read. It’s called, Blunder, and it has absolutely nothing to do with relationships. Although when I read it, I thought, “Wow, this has everything to do with relationships!” The book’s subtitle is, why smart people make dumb decisions, and it explains the seven reasons people make bad decisions. While reading it I couldn’t help but think of two friends of mine. One is a stunningly beautiful woman. She has a masters. She makes well over six figures and works very hard. She has lots of friends and admirers, and is often pursued by eligible men. The other friend is more on the plain side. Not the first person you would notice when she walks into a room. Got decent grades in school, but no advanced degree. She has a government job and enjoys her long weekends. By all accounts her life is pretty standard. Except last month, her handsome and successful boyfriend asked her to marry him. While my stunningly beautiful friend’s husband just left her for another woman.

I’m not exaggerating. My plain friend is engaged to a true catch. While my friend that seems to “have it all”, doesn’t know how to get it together. When I was reading, Blunder, it perfectly pointed out several reasons why my beautiful friend is so unlucky in love.

In the book, one of the blunders is called “Exposure Anxiety.” It’s defined as this — “Your need to appear strong and your fear of appearing weak makes you overcompensate and become aggressive unnecessarily.” This was the problem with stunning friends’ husband. He was often a bully and a hard head. He was as stubborn as a mule and always expressed his views with unwavering conviction…code for he never thought he was wrong. Inside this husband was actually a scared and weak person terrified that people would think less of him. But my friend never saw that. She saw a confident and strong man instead. She suffered from a blunder called, “Mirror Imaging.” Which is defined as thinking that everyone feels, thinks, and behaves as you do. My friend just couldn’t grasp that her husband was an insecure and self-centered guy. She would continually try to work with him, cater to him, and above all, worship him. She couldn’t see how his tough guy exterior could really be housing a self-conscience, coward.

My friend never saw her husband for who he really was. She was shocked and devastated when he walked out on her. But the rest of us always knew that day would come. You see, he was a horrible boyfriend to her. He flirted with other women to fill the void in his ego, and always threw a fit when he didn’t get his way. Continue reading

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War of the Roses: when it’s your fault you were cheated on

I was listening to the Kane show on 99.5. For those of you who aren’t familiar with one of his bits called, War of the Roses, allow me debrief you. Listeners of the show who believe their significant other is cheating on them, call into Kane in order to find out if in fact they are being betrayed. Kane pretends to be the manager of a local florist and calls up the suspected cheater. He tells the cheater they have just won a dozen roses and all he needs is a name and address of who to send the beautiful and romantic bouquet to. Pause. This is when said cheater either gives Kane the name of their boy or girlfriend, or blurts out the name of their side dish (fyi, this always turns out the same way.) When the side dish is named by name, the SO who has been on the line the whole time either breaks down into a full on fit or…well, actually that is usually what happens. They start screaming, crying, and cursing all at the same time. But this morning I heard something I have NEVER heard on the Kane show before. I heard something that made me want to reach through the radio, grab the caller and shake some much needed sense into him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I think the cheater is scum and feel bad for the other person, but I can honestly say I side with the cheater this time.

Take a listen to this War of the Roses.

How painful is that?!?! Omg. I can’t believe that guy. Please, if anyone knows this guy tell him to contact me. I want to give him a full Man Make-over. This guy has a long life of loneliness ahead of him. Mark my words, he’s going to suffer the same fate in his next relationship as well. If you know someone, male or female that acts like this, please send them the link. They need to learn that this type of sad behavior will NEVER make someone love them. Love and respect must go hand and hand and this guy clearly has no respect for himself. If you are in a relationship where you give, give, give and the other person just takes, takes, takes, I’m sorry, but you have no one to blame but yourself. He calls her selfish? He’s a doormat and a dummy. Unless you are 16 and have zero dating experience, you should be able to recognize when someone is using you. Doing nice things for someone will not make them love you. Giving them gifts, taking them on trips and catering to whatever they want will only make them lose respect for you. Continue reading

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