Why Arie Did It: Finding the “reason” behind a break-up

ariWe all watched last night as Arie said goodbye to fair-haired Lauren and popped the question to “Better choice Becca”. Most of us cheered, as Becca seemed to be the total package. Pretty, fit, smart, and as her still infatuated ex-boyfriend pointed out, “a girl with a heart of gold.” Who could ask for more? Apparently Arie. The confusing thing to many viewers is, he seems to be opting for less. Although Lauren is beautiful and obviously sweet, she doesn’t seem to have the basic conversational skills that most people have. Kind of hard to imagine growing old with someone that doesn’t have much to say about …well, anything.

So why make the trade? If Arie could see his future with both women, why suddenly decide that the one he committed to, the one he could talk and laugh with for hours, the one he said he’d never be bored by, is not the one he wants? As a dating and relationship coach, I answer questions like this all the time. I’m asked by clients coming off their own break-up, why would their man suddenly throw away a good thing? The “why” behind a split is very important when it comes to closure, because if you don’t have a reason that makes sense to you, it can take months or years to find peace and move on. Since all of us don’t want to spend months (God forbid years) wrestling with the Ari-Becca-Lauren triangle, I’ll go ahead and tell you my two cents on why things went down this way. None of which you will hear tonight when Arie tries to explain himself.

This Is Arie

I believe Arie did fall for both Becca and Lauren. But, as I told my husband, if he met Becca on his own, they would have dated for a while and then ended up parting ways. She was never going to be the girl for him long term because Arie is not a guy with a strong personality, or a lot of confidence (both of which Becca has.) Sure, he may be a former race car driver, and for a spell that probably gave him an ego boost, but now he’s out of that business, and as Arie himself put it, “he is just a guy that barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut (no offense Pizza Hut.) He is just not a “solid” guy. He’s a guy with doubts about himself and being coupled up with a women that is so self-assured and solid on her own doesn’t help give him his boost back. And that is what he’s looking for. He wants the girl that looks at him as if she’s struck gold, the girl that won’t challenge him, the girl who thinks everything he says or does is absolutely right and perfect because it soothes his own insecurities. With Becca they would be equal partners, and he’d rather be Lauren’s savior.

Let me be crystal clear on one thing here before I leave you, though. I do believe that Becca would have eventually grown frustrated and dissatisfied with Arie. After a few years together, she would have ended up wearing the pants in that relationship and I don’t think that’s what she ultimately envisions for herself. So, although she may be heartbroken now, I am confident that she will find a man that is much better suited for her. And to any single girls reading this thinking that you have to play dumb or be a “yes girl” to get a guy, that’s not the lesson here. Men love smart, confident women (case in point, Arie PICKED and PROPOSED to Becca first!) This is just what happened here with these three people and why Arie did what he did. In the end, he’s making the right decision for himself now. He and Lauren will probably get engaged and live happily ever after.

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Josh Murray and Jared Haibon: Who is the better guy?

If you have been watching Bachelor in Paradise, this question might be as obvious as, “what color is the sky?” Josh Murray has a reputation, and it’s not a very good one. His ex, Andi Dorfman, even penned a book about their tumultuous relationship and called him verbally abusive. So it would seem that Jared Haibon is the better guy, right? But then again, Jared has strung along Ashley for a year. Sure, we are made to think she’s crazy in love with no reason or reciprocity, but truthfully they had grown close over the last year and Jared seems to enjoy Ashley’s constant attention and adoration. Is that really what nice guys do?

So here are two guys. Both very attractive, and highly sought-after, but here is where Josh and Jared differ and where you can learn the difference between a genuine good-guy, and the guy you might not be able to trust.

(Before reading further, I’m going to caveat my assessment with this: I don’t know either person and this is based on reality TV, not an actual interpersonal experience. If this were a “real world” assessment I could stand by it completely, as should you if you come across this in your life.)

First, Jared. Jared, doesn’t talk about himself. Have you counted how many times Josh has used the word “I”? You should always be suspicious of someone who claims to know themselves inside and out and feels the need to defend his actions to the grave. At one point Jared made the comment that he might have needed to be a little more firm with how he felt or didn’t feel about Ashley, but he never tried to justify why he’s in the right and she (or America) is in the wrong. Josh, on the other hand, is making it seem like he’s his own trial lawyer in the case of Josh Murray’s reputation vs. American Perception. He just goes on and on about himself and his principles, and his beliefs, etc, etc.

Secondly, Jared is affectionate both verbally and physically with Caila, but it’s within reason. Josh on the other hand is making out with Amanda and talking about their relationship as if he were shipwrecked alone on that island for 40 years and just came across the first female in four decades! Here’s tip #2. Anytime a guy is making early promises to you, talking about future plans, or expressing amorous feelings in a short amount of time, be wary! Especially if he’s doing those things while unzipping your pants (or unzipping your pants the second you are alone.)

And last but most obvious, consider their history. Jared is not someone who, as far as I know, has bad past. He dated Kaitlyn, who still likes him. He rejected Ashley, who still likes him. And he had a thing with Emily, who still likes him. He’s still considered a good guy by the girls he’s been involved with. Josh has an ex-girlfriend who dislikes him so much she wrote an entire book about how awful he is! Yes, there are two sides to every story, however, when you are truly a nice, decent guy, no one says bad things about you because you handle conflict, let downs, and disagreements with grace and respect. You put the other persons feelings above your own. Don’t think we can say that about Joshy-pants. He seems to put himself first most, if not, all of the time (See my first point.)

If you want to learn more about dating, relationships, or The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want. Continue on to my advice blogs.

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Why Carly Leaves Brokenhearted, Jade Gets Engaged, and Ashley I. will remain single forever…

Ok, Ashley I. may not be single forever, but she will fly solo for several more years at least. I’ll explain more on that later. First, let’s talk about why Carly Waddell is going to leave Bachelor In Paradise in tears, especially when everything seemed to be going so well between her and Kirk Dewindt. It appeared that the two were inseparable as we watched them hang out, hook up, and fall deeper in love week after week. The truth is, although it felt like they had secured a solid relationship, the fact is that they were only in paradise for a total of 3 weeks of filming. So as Carly gushed and blushed about Kirk, even announcing on the fifth episode that she was eager to have sex with him, she had only truly known him for a matter of days. Although Kirk reciprocated her feelings to some extent, he did express concern to her about how fast the relationship was going. At that point, Carly should have red the writing on the wall and pumped the brakes! But she didn’t. And I believe this is why the relationship ended up failing. Her desire to have a relationship with Kirk overpowered her ability to hear what he was saying. Carly fell victim to same dating pitfall that thousands of other women do everyday – she thought only about what she wanted and ignored what Kirk needed.

If Carly had only been more aware of Kirk’s hesitation and mirrored his interest, things might have turned out differently. Which leads me to Jade and Tanner. Although they were both equally excited about the other, Jade was very careful to let Tanner voice his feelings first and let him set the pace of the relationship. She didn’t get overly hopeful that Tanner was “The One” and remained fairly cool, calm, and collected… how you really should be after only a couple of weeks of seeing someone. Tanner was able to still pursue Jade because of this, something that Carly took away from Kirk. With Jade, the challenge to win her over was still present, but with Carly it was obvious that she was there for the taking from day 1. For this reason, I predict that Jade and Tanner will be the ones to get engaged tonight.

And how much time do we have to spend on sweet but misguided, Ashley I.? Her heart is always in the right place, and she genuinely seems like a nice person, but she is another example of letting what you want supersede all other factors… even when the other factor is a completely uninterested male. She made it clear as crystal that Jared was the only guy she wanted from the moment she stepped on that sandy beach. She didn’t know him at all, but she made up her mind that it was Jared or bust. When you make that kind of decision, you are basing it on completely superficial reasoning. Sure, Jared turned out to be a nice, decent guy, but that isn’t why she went for him in the first place. As she said numerous times, it was his “perfect face” that did it for her and she wasn’t attracted to anyone else, nor willing to give anyone a chance. The self-proclaimed “picky princess” will continue to suffer heartache after heartache if she approaches all her relationships this way. She has to be open to getting to know a man on a deeper level before making a decision about how she feels about him. Until she does that, I’m afraid she’s going to have to stock up on her waterproof mascara because there will be many more tears in her future.

Have you ever wondered what is it that you did wrong with a guy? If you can’t figure out why he didn’t like you, or want to find out if there is a chance to win him back, contact Jess McCann for a personal consultation. Continue reading

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