Janna, a thirty-eight year old magazine editor, hadn’t had a real boyfriend in years. She had a ton of men in her life though. Three former boyfriends, two friends with benefits, and one love of her life that was married to someone else. She spent time with all of them because, as she put it, she got a something out of each relationship. It’s just that none of them gave her everything.
Janna subscribed to the belief that until Mr. right guy came along, she could occupy herself with Mr. Great Sex and Mr. I Love You but I’m Married. The truth was, however, that the reason she couldn’t find that one great guy was because she was distracted with all the wrong ones.
Distractions cause problems
We all know that distracted driving causes accidents. It’s reported that 80% of all car crashes are due to some form of distracted driving. Maybe you have been one of the lucky ones that has avoided re-ending someone because you just had to send that very important text, but how many times have you missed your exit because you were yapping or tapping on your phone? Much in the same way you missed that turn off, you can also miss your chance at a real relationship by engaging in what I call, “Distracted Dating.”
We’ve all done it at some point -spent a little too much of our time with the wrong person. It can be fun and briefly fill a void within you, but continually hanging out with men who clearly can’t give you what you need long term is like investing in stock that you know will eventually plummet. It’s not worth it because you won’t yield a return, and it can prevent you from being emotionally and physically available to someone else…someone better.
Janna was frustrated because she never got approached by guys. She wasn’t a homebody, in fact she encountered men on a daily basis, but for whatever reason, no one asked her out. She was convinced that something about her appearance was turning men off, even though she was tall, thin and by industry standards, attractive. When I met her I explained the problem wasn’t with her appearance, it was with her persona. She had the right clothes, the right hair, and the right make-up. What she didn’t have was the right presence. She was so distracted in her head, thinking about all the “good-for-now guys”, that she missed opportunities to meet men that were right front of her. Because she looked distracted and unavailable, men that would see her and want to approach her, hesitated to do so. On days she should have gone out to prospect, she did what was easier and called one of her exes to keep her company. Janna needed to get rid of her funnel dwellers – the guys that lingered in her funnel, not doing anything but wasting time. Once she cleared out her funnel, and her mind, she was able to focus on the road ahead of her.
For more tips on landing a guy, read “You Lost Him at Hello”.