Am I just not good enough?: Why he chose her over you…

Young couple holding glasses with champagne and woman looking at

I think at some point in life all women have asked themselves this question. If you’ve ever been dumped by a guy who claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then practically moved in with the next girl that came along, it is hard not to question if something about you is flawed when your relationship doesn’t work out. You may not even be able to pinpoint what it is about you that seems inferior to other women,  you just feel deep in your bones that somehow you are. If you watched this season of The Bachelor on ABC, you may remember that sweet, southern Kacie B. cried the very words, “Why am I not good enough?” after she was sent home rejected following her home-town date. From her point of view, if she were somehow “better” she would have been the one to get the final rose. But as we have seen play out repeatedly in season’s past, the “best” woman does not always win. In fact this season it would seem that the absolute “worst” woman triumphed over all. But Courtney, who landed the Bachelor and that final rose (but was temporarily dumped just weeks after the show aired) has involuntarily taught every woman in the world a very important lesson. And that is this – being “good enough” isn’t what makes a man love you. If that were true, Ben would have picked, Lindzi, who in many people’s opinion, was prettier, smarter, and orders of magnitude nicer. Or earlier cast-off, Emily, who in my opinion was not only more attractive than Courtney, but also a PHD student with a great sense of humor. There were so many women on the show that arguably seemed “better” than Courtney. Yet, Ben picked her. Why? Because something about Courtney resonated with Ben. His personality, his life experiences, and his own feelings about himself all play into why he chose her. Her being the “better” woman was not a factor at play. I’m hoping this is an ounce of comfort to any brokenhearted woman wondering why their man left them for someone else.

A client of mine fell deeply in love two years ago, only to have the man she thought she would marry leave her for someone else. They had had a bumpy relationship from the start but my client always thought that somehow they would work through their differences and end up together. When I first started coaching her she was already obsessed with her ex’s new relationship. Like many women, she stalked her former flame and his new girlfriend via the social network, hoping to find a a shred of understanding as to what this woman had that she, herself, did not. Unfortunately she not only failed to find the answer, she became even more perplexed when she realized the woman was less physically fit, less educated, and more needy (as evident from her many amorous wall posts on Facebook).  Several times my client asked me what it meant to be abandoned by your lover for a person of less quality. Did it mean that despite all my clients’ wonderful attributes, that she was just somehow, unexplainably inferior?

Of course not.

What my client failed to consider was (again) her ex’s personality, life experience and his own feelings about himself. Even though he was a good-looking, confident man, he had come from a broken and dysfunctional family. His own mother was an extremely volatile woman who relentlessly picked on him while smothering him at the same time. She was hot and cold with her feelings. Growing up he never fully felt accepted by anyone. Then he met my client. A woman who loved him the way he always wanted to be loved. A good, kind, well-balanced person that would never attack him or his character. And for him, that felt…awkward. He was not comfortable with that kind of love yet. He was not capable of appropriately receiving it. He truly felt more at home with someone who was …”dramatic.” Someone that provided the “ups and downs” he was accustomed to growing up. His mother also barely graduated high school, and he liked being in the company of people he found less intelligent than himself. My client’s smart, sound persona frankly made him feel subordinate to her. She of course never saw him as having a fragile ego, but none the less, he had one. When he met the woman he left her for, he immediately felt more comfortable, even though the relationship wasn’t quite as healthy.

Six months later, after the initial sting of rejection had subsided, my client realized that she was mostly just physically attracted to her ex. With a little time and distance she began to see a long term relationship with him would have never worked or made her happy.

If you are hurting from a recent break-up and the person you love is now with someone else, know that while you may have not been perfect (and who is?) you didn’t lose your relationship to the better woman. In time you will likely see that you can love someone that is not a good fit for you long term, and it’s very probable that your ex just saw that before you did.

 

 Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or chose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

 Why He Chose Her Over You?

   How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

    Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

               What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

         Is He Losing Interest?

  Also by Jess McCann

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 You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann

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7 Responses to Am I just not good enough?: Why he chose her over you…

  1. carolyn schweitzer says:

    hi

    This blog was so helpful to me…. A big thank you!! Still trying to understand why everything happened the way it did, but this helped me to see things in a different light! Hugs:)

  2. Jennifer says:

    I found myself asking this question recently, your blog makes a lot of sense. I can understand and see the situation in a new light. Thank you so much! :-)

  3. Jennifer says:

    I found myself asking this question recently, your blog makes a lot of sense. I can understand and see the situation in a new light. Thank you so much! :-)

  4. Sherry says:

    Good Morning,

    I met this guy on line a few months ago and we have never met in person. I just got back from a trip visiting family and he text me every day while I was there except the last six days I was there. I sent him messages and he never responded. We made plans to finally meet and be was all excited like I was to finally meet each other. Well, our meeting for dinner never happened and I haven’t heard from him. Is it me?

    • jessmccann says:

      That’s hard to say without more information but typically if you have never met, the problem is on his end, not yours. If you have read my book, “Was it Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas” there is a question very much like yours in there! I’d check out how to handle the guy from here in the book, but you likely did nothing wrong and he’s just hiding something.

  5. OliviaS says:

    Thank you so much, what you wrote has helped me to get over my ex. He wasn’t really an ex because he had a girlfriend,
    but told me he didn’t want to be with her. I told him he should know what to do, but I should have seen the red flags. He used me and went back to her of course. I was like why? She’s not so pretty, not smart, and super extremely shy, somebody I didn’t think he’d like to be with. Maybe I really don’t know what he likes and who he really is. I’m glad that you shared almost the same exact story. Thanks for helping me

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