Last week the full moon was in full swing. I received five emails from women, all with the EXACT same relationship problem. It wasn’t an uncommon problem at all, in fact, their issue was one that I see repeatedly in new budding relationships. But for five different women, in five different locations in the U.S., ranging in ages from 19-40, all to have the same woe in the same week, said one thing loud and clear: Save other women from making this mistake, because make it they will.
In a nutshell here is what their email said:
Dear Jess, I have a problem with anxiety when it comes to men. I have always had this problem, but recently it’s been getting worse. I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks now and we just recently had sex. Ever since we did it, I’ve been worried he’s going to lose interest in me. I’m checking my phone constantly to see if he’s called and if he doesn’t text for a few hours, I start to freak out. I think I’m going to drive him away but I don’t know how to get my crazy mind under control. Help!
You may have heard before that having sex too soon with a guy is not a good idea, but what you may not know is that the worry and anxiety you have afterwards is actually a BIGGER problem than the actual sex. Yes, doing the deed in the first few weeks can put your relationship in jeopardy, but the worry will without a doubt, spread like terminal cancer causing it inevitable death. This is because anxiety will lead you to make all decisions out of fear instead of from your heart and your true self – That alone will give off a desperate vibe and cause you to behave in a way that is unauthentic. This is what typically ends up chasing men away more than anything else. Guys can sometimes overlook having sex a bit too soon under certain circumstances, but they can never fall in love with the panic-striken girl that has taken your place.
So, if you are in a situation where you’ve slept with a guy once and are now completely paranoid about losing him, here are a few things you can do:
1. Do not sleep with him again. If he tries to sex with you again, tell him you aren’t sorry you did it the first time because it was great in the moment, but you feel it was a little too soon and need more time to get to know him. Explain that sex is not something you take lightly and therefore, you want to be sure the relationship is solid before going any further physically.
2. Don’t make this a game of “get him to like me.” You have to be able to distinguish the difference between your ego wanting this guy to like you so you don’t feel rejected after giving up your goods, and the real you finding a good match. Your ego doesn’t care if this man is right for you or not, but it will hunger for his attention simply because you slept with him. This often makes women THINK they are in love. The truth is if you have only been dating someone for a few weeks, you still have a lot of getting-to-know-you to do. How can you be sure that he has all the qualities you want in a man? You cannot determine his character in three weeks. So instead of solely thinking about how you are going to get him to stay interested (which is your ego talking), focus on really learning about him and who he is. Pay attention to how he treats others, his family and friends. Get to know him on a deeper level so you can really see if he is right for you.
3. Going forward, use the Mirror theory. Whatever actions or behavior he displays, mirror them back. If he is slow to text you, be slow to respond. If he is keeps his emails short and to the point, you do the same. If you feel him distancing himself, you distance yourself. This is so that the relationship remains balanced. Even if you are dying to text him because he has disappeared for two days, do not do it. Recognize that your ego is the one driving your emotions in that moment and you would be contacting him purely out of fear he has lost interest. And again, decisions made out of fear always end up being poor ones.
Lastly, just stop thinking so much about this whole relationship. You will ruin things if you continue to obsessively think about what happened and/or what is going to happen from here. STAY PRESENT. Don’t try to predict the future. If you don’t practice staying present in the moment, you will end up ruining the relationship and the fault will fall on you, not him.
For more What Should You Do? scenario’s, pick up my new book, “Was it Something I Said? :The answer to all your dating dilemmas” on Amazon or where books are sold. Learn when you should text him, how to approach the “relationship talk”, if he likes you or is just looking to hook-up? These questions and many more all are answered in quick Q & A format!