Worried he’s losing interest? There may be a good reason to fret!

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Last week the full moon was in full swing. I received five emails from women, all with the EXACT same relationship problem. It wasn’t an uncommon problem at all, in fact, their issue was one that I see repeatedly in new budding relationships. But for five different women, in five different locations in the U.S., ranging in ages from 19-40, all to have the same woe in the same week, said one thing loud and clear: Save other women from making this mistake, because make it they will.

In a nutshell here is what their email said:

Dear Jess, I have a problem with anxiety when it comes to men. I have always had this problem, but recently it’s been getting worse. I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks now and we just recently had sex. Ever since we did it, I’ve been worried he’s going to lose interest in me. I’m checking my phone constantly to see if he’s called and if he doesn’t text for a few hours, I start to freak out. I think I’m going to drive him away but I don’t know how to get my crazy mind under control. Help!

You may have heard before that having sex too soon with a guy is not a good idea, but what you may not know is that the worry and anxiety you have afterwards is actually a BIGGER problem than the actual sex. Yes, doing the deed in the first few weeks can put your relationship in jeopardy, but the worry will without a doubt, spread like terminal cancer causing it inevitable death. This is because anxiety will lead you to make all decisions out of fear instead of from your heart and your true self – That alone will give off a desperate vibe and cause you to behave in a way that is unauthentic. This is what typically ends up chasing men away more than anything else. Guys can sometimes overlook having sex a bit too soon under certain circumstances, but they can never fall in love with the panic-striken girl that has taken your place.

So, if you are in a situation where you’ve slept with a guy once and are now completely paranoid about losing him, here are a few things you can do:

1. Do not sleep with him again. If he tries to sex with you again, tell him you aren’t sorry you did it the first time because it was great in the moment, but you feel it was a little too soon and need more time to get to know him. Explain that sex is not something you take lightly and therefore, you want to be sure the relationship is solid before going any further physically.

2. Don’t make this a game of “get him to like me.” You have to be able to distinguish the difference between your ego wanting this guy to like you so you don’t feel rejected after giving up your goods, and the real you finding a good match. Your ego doesn’t care if this man is right for you or not, but it will hunger for his attention simply because you slept with him. This often makes women THINK they are in love.  The truth is if you have only been dating someone for a few weeks, you still have a lot of getting-to-know-you to do. How can you be sure that he has all the qualities you want in a man? You cannot determine his character in three weeks.  So instead of solely thinking about how you are going to get him to stay interested (which is your ego talking), focus on really learning about him and who he is. Pay attention to how he treats others, his family and friends. Get to know him on a deeper level so you can really see if he is right for you.

3. Going forward, use the Mirror theory. Whatever actions or behavior he displays, mirror them back.  If he is slow to text you, be slow to respond. If he is keeps his emails short and to the point, you do the same. If you feel him distancing himself, you distance yourself. This is so that the relationship remains balanced. Even if you are dying to text him because he has disappeared for two days, do not do it.  Recognize that your ego is the one driving your emotions in that moment and you would be contacting him purely out of fear he has lost interest. And again, decisions made out of fear always end up being poor ones.

Lastly, just stop thinking so much about this whole relationship. You will ruin things if you continue to obsessively think about what happened and/or what is going to happen from here. STAY PRESENT. Don’t try to predict the future. If you don’t practice staying present in the moment, you will end up ruining the relationship and the fault will fall on you, not him.

For more What Should You Do? scenario’s, pick up my new book, “Was it Something I Said? :The answer to all your dating dilemmas” on Amazon or where books are sold. Learn when you should text him, how to approach the “relationship talk”, if he likes you or is just looking to hook-up? These questions and many more all are answered in quick Q & A format!

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back

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Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

9 Responses to Worried he’s losing interest? There may be a good reason to fret!

  1. Amy says:

    Just wondering how do you stay present? Maybe a little clarity will help or tips on how to stay present. Very wise advice but want to know how to stay present.

    • jessmccann says:

      Great question! I plan on blogging more on the subject of “presence” because it is a very big task for many women, but you have to first pay very close attention to where your thoughts go throughout the day. When they wonder into the past or future (ei, regretting or replaying something that happened in the past or worrying about what will happen in the future) you are trying to deal with something that is not occurring in the “now”. Realizing this and bringing attention back to the preset moment and whatever is going on around you, is how you stay present. It’s not easy but if you practice it everyday, it will become second nature eventually.

    • Presence is something I’m working on myself, but it really is about truly listening to what the other person is saying. When someone is saying something to you, listen to it like it’s the most important thing in the world at that moment, like you’ll miss a breakthrough if you miss anything the other person says. If you feel your mind drift while someone is speaking to you, notice it and bring yourself back to the conversation and really try to understand the other person’s point of view.

      This is just one exercise that I’ve begun to actively work on but I’m sure Jess and others have more tips to share!

  2. Jalaine Cabell says:

    You are awesome…great advice!!!

  3. Jennifer says:

    Hi Jess,

    I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple months now (he’s 35 and i’m 27) and he’s suddenly keeping a distance. He doesn’t initiate any texts and seems to be holding back. Things are great when we’re together. He tells me that he’s interested, and totally attracted to me and even talks about his insecurities and says he’s looking for something serious. He knows that I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago and says he hopes he’s not a rebound. I tell him he’s not but could that be the reason why he’s suddenly keeping a distance? I’ve been subtle that I’m really interested in him. Should I be more straight forward? Would that scare him away?

    • jessmccann says:

      Hi, I am happy to answer this on my blog as a new question. When you say “suddenly keeping his distance”, what is suddenly? You mean he texted every day and now it’s been two days? Or he hasn’t texted all week? Please be specific and let me know what else you mean by holding back.

      • Jennifer says:

        Well he hasn’t been the best texter since the beginning but he used to be a lot more responsive and he would also initiate texts. Whenever I text him, he’s been really short with his response. It’s been about two weeks since he’s been different. It’s been 4 days since we last texted. Its been 3 weeks since we last saw each other because of busy schedules. How long should i wait before I text him or should I wait to see if he will text me? He’s also told me that he’s sort of a shy guy and tells me that he’s really opened up to me, more than a lot of people. Should I be completely honest and just tell him exactly how I feel? Has he already lost interest?

  4. Jennifer says:

    Well he hasn’t been the best texter since the beginning but he used to be a lot more responsive and he would also initiate texts. Whenever I text him, he’s been really short with his response. It’s been about two weeks since he’s been different. It’s been 4 days since we last texted. Its been 3 weeks since we last saw each other because of busy schedules. How long should i wait before I text him or should I wait to see if he will text me? He’s also told me that he’s sort of a shy guy and tells me that he’s really opened up to me, more than a lot of people. Should I be completely honest and just tell him exactly how I feel? Has he already lost interest?

    • Marisela says:

      My current situation is quite similar. I’m curious if Jess has responded to your question. Please let me know. Thanks.

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