What Every Girl Should Know About Hooking Up….

This blog is an oldie but a goodie! I last posted it in 2009, so for anyone who hasn’t read it yet, enjoy!

Your are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”

Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.

And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.

I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.

Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men that they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely, and essentially use them when they want to. Those same women often come crying to me when a man does the same thing to them. These girls bounce back and forth between men that like them but have no interest in, and men that they like but can’t pin down.  Ironically, these women cannot see the writing on the wall when a man is only with them out of convenience. They make up excuses for sporadic behavior. If he doesn’t call for a week, but then suddenly texts while he’s out on a Friday night, they believe it means he’s suddenly come around! He was just busy all week with his stressful work schedule. The truth is that guys will use you in the same way you use them.  In order to find love and happiness you must stop the cycle of use. It’s the most anti-love action possible. How is it fair that you waste that nice boy’s time but then fall to pieces when another guy does it to you? The Universe will absolutely bring you what you deserve and if it knows you are only hanging out with someone because you are lonely, it will not blink at handing you the same scenario. Don’t waste your time on men that are not interested in you and don’t waste someone else’s time either. Getting involved with men who make you chase them can do a terrible number on your self-esteem. Unbalanced and unloving relationships chip away at your heart and by the time you find a guy that really likes you, you don’t know how to act. You don’t know how to really be in a healthy relationship because, thus far, in your past there has only been use. If you don’t like someone, don’t waste their time. And if a guy doesn’t seem crazy about you, do yourself a big favor and just move on to someone who is. What you put out to the world is what you will get back. Be kind and loving to men and they will be kind and loving to you.

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3 Responses to What Every Girl Should Know About Hooking Up….

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am a guy living in DC and happened to stumble on this site. It's very interesting to read how the world looks to single women in DC.

    My comment here also applies to the 6/8 blog about "Where to find a nice guy."

    I find it interesting to read now ladies in DC claim to have trouble finding a "good guy." Having just moved to DC (less than a year ago), I do want to share that I have found my own behavior changing (my women friends say for the "worse") as I observe "good guys" finish last and the "players" get the ladies.

    I've dated a fair amount since moving here (maybe 20 or so ladies in the year I've been here). When I first arrived, I think I began as a "good guy."

    I didn't play games, was very clear about my intentions (whether interested or not), was consistent with my communications (did not disappear and re-appear), and was genuinely interested in talking with my dates rather than just hooking up.

    What I found was that ladies who I was interested in did not receive "good guy" behavior very well. They seemed to lose interest fast. As I adjusted my behavior (e.g. being more aloof and distant, non-communicative, and unavailable) the ladies seem to become more interested.

    Unfortunately, this seems to match the experience of many of my DC guy friends who are extreme "players" yet seem to have ladies swooning over them all day long.

    As a second interesting data point, I tried using Match to see what would happen. I read profile after profile from women saying "no games." I also heard complaint after complaint from women friends how guys just mass mail ladies on Match w/o writing custom e-mails.

    I thought to myself, that this is an opportunity to stand out. I had several women friends of mine help create my profile. They selected the pictures and helped edit the write-up (I wanted to make sure I avoided any obvious mistakes on my profile.) I took care to write custom and personalized e-mails to 95 ladies on Match. Interestingly, I got zero responses.

    Now I would not blame you if you are thinking, "there must be something wrong with this guy. Maybe he has 3 arms or is missing an eye." Well, I am certainly biased in judging myself, but my women friends claim that they are confused too since I (theoretically) have a lot to offer.

    I have all limbs and body parts, have a full head of hair, am in decent physical condition (I exercise every day), am tall (a few inches shy of 6’), have an Ivy League college degree, have an income in the top 1% of the country, am told I can make people laugh, am generally a "decent guy" (i.e. not a creep), and "cute" (at least according to my women friends).

    So as any living creature that learns to adjust to its environment, I have found myself morphing into a "bad guy." Sadly, I notice that the ladies are now responding more positively to my "bad behavior."

    I wanted to share my story just for the record. The next time you hear ladies complain about how hard it is to find a "good guy" just consider for a moment that maybe the "good guys" have become “bad guys” because those are the rules-of-engagement that the ladies have established for men.

    As one of my woman friends said to me, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

  2. Jess McCann says:

    Hey there, I reposted your comment because I absolutely loved it. I think you may get a few dates out of it as well. See my latest blog and facebook page….

  3. Anonymous says:

    What people actually like and what they say they want are two very different things. This principal applies to the cars we drive, the the jobs we have, the books we read and the dates we go on, etc. Some day, Jess, you may grow to miss that saber-tooth tiger snore…

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