Are you likely to end up alone? How to avoid being single forever.

Single woman, dating advice

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A twenty-eight year old woman sat on my couch today wanting to discuss one thing and one thing only: How could she avoid being alone forever? Christy was newly single and fearing the worst for her future. Her two favorite aunts, both in their sixties, never married. Her mother, had only been briefly wed to her father, divorcing before Christy’s second birthday. She was surrounded by smart, beautiful, educated women who had never found true love, and it scared her to death to think she would follow in their footsteps.

This is probably the biggest fear most single women have today. Ironically, it is the fear itself that ends up keeping them from finding a good partner and having a healthy relationship. Living in a state of fear, no matter where it stems from or what form it takes (paranoia, anxiety, anger to name a few) radiates an extremely stressful and tense persona. When your daily thoughts are consumed with fear, ask yourself the question, how can a man fall in love with me in this condition?

Lots of men want to find love, settle down, and start a family. I would say most men prefer this path, but they want to find a partner who is happy, loving, and confident. And being fearful all the time does not allow you to be any of those things. Perhaps you are waiting for the relationship to come so that you will stop being fearful and start being happy, loving, and confident. However, this is not a chicken and egg scenario. The relationship cannot come first. Content from within must happen first. Only then will you be in a place that is able to attract another person and truly fall in love.

How do you stop the fear?

Fight fear with presence. To quote my favorite author, Eckhart Tolle, “Psychological fear is divorced from any real danger. When you are in a state of fear, you are here and now but your mind is in the future. You can always cope with the present moment, but you can never cope with a mind projection – you cannot cope with the future.” Fearing to end up alone is nothing more than a mind-created daydream, but dwell on it enough and you may very well fulfill your prophecy. Staying present is the only way to combat this, or any fear. Worrying about what may or may not happen, only distances you further and further from getting what you want. Try to be extremely conscience when your thoughts automatically drift to the future, and reel them back in by paying acute attention to what is happening all around you and, more importantly, within you. Live only in “The Now” and you will see how your anxiety subsides.

Fight fear with love. To quote another great man, Pope John Paul II, said, “The opposite of love is not hate. It’s use.” Using people is the opposite of loving them. Using a man for the purpose of fulfilling your life is not loving him. Men can feel your intentions. They know when you are in a state that wants to get something out of them. Maybe you want love? Maybe you want security? Maybe you want to boost your self-esteem? Or maybe you just want him to pay off your credit card? Whatever it is, the wanting to use him for something selfish is preventing anyone from falling in love with you. Just as you have heard the term, like attracts like, it is also true that love attracts love. You must be in a total loving state to draw in a man and have him love you.

To be in a loving state, stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what you can give and contribute. Not just to a guy, but to everyone you come in contact with. Giving does not take much time or any money. You can start giving today. You can give with a smile, a compliment, or even a hug. When you give, you are in a complete state of love and presence. And when you are in that state, you will be happier and more peaceful, which will translate in to confidence. This is one of the key ways to ensure that you find your partner in life, and stay with him forever once you do.

Fight fear with gratitude. Instead of walking around in a state of wanting which inevitably makes you look desperate, think of all the things you have in life that you are grateful for. Focus on what you do have, instead of what you don’t. Most of us have much more than we even need, yet we spend so much time on the very few things we don’t have yet. If you can practice gratitude and learn to make it your natural state of mind, your inner self will stop craving a relationship and thus, you will stop looking so needy to the opposite sex. Spend a few minutes each morning meditating on all that you are grateful for; your health, your family, your friends, even your job. Appreciate the little things that you often overlook or take for granted. Once you make gratitude a daily practice, you will see how fear disappears from your mind and is instead replaced with intense joy. Joy that is contagious to everyone – especially men.

For more advice on how to find love and how to navigate through sticky dating situations, check out my new book, Was It Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas.

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back

If you have a question about your relationship, contact me through my website for a personal consultation or ask me a question through Twitter @iamjessmccann

 

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To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann

 

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5 Responses to Are you likely to end up alone? How to avoid being single forever.

  1. Wonderful post related to relationship advice helpful site – thanks
    Chat 2 friend

  2. Isobel says:

    Thanks for the great blog Jess. I have a question – what if geography and demographics are a major part of continuing to be single? I moved to a city for a career a few years ago, but struggle to find any cute single men. I’ve spoken to other women my age in the city who have the same problem.

    I live in New Zealand where for the age group of 25 – 35 year old women far outnumber men. I was far more relaxed about this at 26, but I’m turning 29 soon and worried I may have left it too late. Even my parents have suggested I live in the wrong city and have left it too late to find a husband. I have a great career and I love New Zealand, but I’ve actually thought I may need to migrate to UK or Australia to find a man (although I hear Australia also has the man drought phenomenon). Do you have any advice – apart from moving countries!

    • jessmccann says:

      That’s a tough one! I would suggest online dating before you give up and get out of town. Have you been on any dating sites?

      • Isobel says:

        Thanks for responding so quickly Jess. Online dating has been suggested by some friends. I’m turning 29 next month, so I think I will finally get the nerve to sign up before I think about moving. I’ve heard both good and bad things from people here in Wellington who have done it, but it is definitely worth a shot. I’ve also joined Meet Up.com groups which are great for meeting new friends (so far I’ve met great female friends, but no guys). I’ve met two single women in their 30s in the past week, both say the city has no men our age. One suggested moving to Australia, and the other is planning to move there because of the lack of single men in Wellington.

        I’m actually going to the US and Canada for a six week holiday in April. You never know, I may meet a cute guy and bring him back with me LOL! I will try to get out as much socially and assess the man situation towards the end of the year. Even my parents have been subtly hinting I should move cities/countries to meet someone. I have a feeling they are going to suggest I move to a larger city in Australia. When I do spot a cute guy I will try and used the SEE factor, although I’ve been told I’m attractive I am shy around men so it can be a struggle!

        Thanks for your blog Jess, I really enjoy reading your advice! I will keep an eye out for your new book online.

  3. Chris says:

    I pretty much accepted being single forever. I would not date someone I would not pursue marriage with and I have no reason for marriage. I have had therapists tell me based on my “non-negotiables”, I will most likely be out of luck. :(

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