Should I text him? How long should I wait if he took a week to contact me?

Should I text him, Should I call him, How long should I wait to text him

This photo is courtesy of Adamr/

Dear Jess, Last week I gave a guy my number. It took him six days to
contact me, but he finally sent me a text. How long do I have to wait to respond to him?

I’m a fan of applying old-school rules to new technology, so the first time a guy reaches out to you, you should wait at least twenty-four hours to respond. It does not matter if he texts, calls, e-mails, or instant messages. Whatever mode of communication he chooses still warrants the same reply time. Having difficulty with that? Think of it this way: Ever since you gave him your number six days ago, you’ve been staring at your phone, recapping the night you met him, second guessing his interest, and undoubtedly doubting yourself, what has he been doing? Going to the gym, seeing his friends, and, oh yeah, not calling you. As you’ve been sitting there in a quiet panic, wondering if you were going to hear from him, he’s been living life worry free. Now that he’s called you, it’s his turn to wait and stress a little. However, if you call or text him back immediately, that won’t happen.

If he actually calls you, do not pick up. Let your voice mail handle things for now and return his call the following day. This isn’t revenge for making you wait—it’s just rebalancing for the greater good of your future relationship.
After you text him back the first time, you are going to have to vary your response tactics. If you religiously wait exactly twenty- four hours each time, he will eventually pick up on your pattern and think you are playing a game. It’s always a good idea to let time pass before you reciprocate a call or text, but if you want to remain a mystery and keep the chase going, the key is to be unpredictable. Text back immediately some of the time but then wait a few hours or a whole day the next. Keep him on his toes by being unpredictable when it comes to your return texts and calls.

What If He Calls and Doesn’t Leave a Message?
Dear Jess, Update! He just called! But for some reason he didn’t leave
a message. Can I call him back?

If you want a guy to know that you have been sitting by the phone eagerly awaiting his call, then by all means, go right ahead and call him back. But consider this first: How do you know that he really meant to call you and this wasn’t just an accidental pocket dial? How embarrassed will you be if you call him and he says that he didn’t really intend to call you? Then all that self-restraint you’ve been exercising will be for nothing. He’ll think, “Wow, I pocket- dialed her and she got so excited she called me!”
For argument sake, let’s say he did purposefully call you and did not leave a voice mail; if you call him back, you will be setting a precedent that he doesn’t ever have to leave you a message. While you may not care about that right now because you are so elated to hear from him, you will care after it happens for the tenth or fifteenth time. He will learn that he can do the bare minimum, and you will still jump to his attention. In essence, you are positively reinforcing bad manners and unconsciously telling him that you aren’t worthy of being properly pursued.
One of my clients constantly struggled with her phone etiquette, too. She would always answer when a guy would call and promptly returned texts no matter what time of day. Eventually men stopped leaving her voice mails because they knew they didn’t need to put in the extra effort. I tried to explain to my client that she needed to break her bad habit, but she would argue that because guys knew she had a cell phone, if she didn’t reply quickly, they would assume she was playing games and get annoyed with her. The irony was that men seemed to get annoyed with her anyway. She was never properly asked out on a date and had a hard time turning the few first dates that she did get into second dates. After reaching her wits’ end, I convinced her to try to reform her ideas on mobile communication. Guess what happened? More guys called, more left messages, and more asked her for second dates.
In your case, the best thing to do is ignore that missed call. Don’t send your guy a text asking if he called, or reach out to him.


I haven’t heard from him in a while, can I send him a casual text saying hello?
Dear Jess, I had three amazing dates with a guy last month, but I
haven’t heard from him since! It’s been over two weeks and I really want to see him. Can I send him a causal, “How are you?” text and see if that gets us reengaged?

If you had three amazing dates and this guy hasn’t called you again, something has happened that a casual text won’t fix. Maybe an ex-girlfriend came back into his life, or perhaps he met someone else. Either way, your reaching out to him isn’t going to change his feelings about you, and making the text “casual” won’t cover up your true intentions. Men are perceptive, and he will undoubtedly know that “How are you?” really means, “Where have you been?”If you absolutely must contact him because you cannot control yourself from doing otherwise, here is my best suggestion:

To continue reading and get my best suggestion for contacting a guy that has disappeared on you, turn to page 13 in my book, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas – download the kindle edition here.

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him backYou have been reading an except from the book. If you have other texting, hook-up, or relationship questions, you will find all the answers plus how to handle sticky situations and tough conversations inside. Check out the Table of Contents.  Or comment below and ask Jess a question about any situation!


 Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:

Why Hasn’t He Called?

When You Should NOT Respond.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

 Why He Chose Her Over You?

                                                    How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

                                                    Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

                                                   What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

                                                    Is He Losing Interest?



Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,  Also by Jess McCann

 You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches

To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann to ask a dating question!


Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating and Relationship Book, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

6 Responses to Should I text him? How long should I wait if he took a week to contact me?

  1. Joanne says:

    I liked this blog entry a lot. Very helpful. I am having a very similar issue. I have been on three dates with a guy that I felt went amazingly. I like him a lot and feel a true genuine connection with him. The only problem is I get very mixed signals from him. He is awesome in person and seems to really enjoy my company. But during the week between those dates when I would expect him to be texting me and reaching out he has made very little effort. He always reaponds to me (never ignores) and he showed quick interest when I brought up a third date idea to him but he never texts first, doesn’t ask many questions, conversations die quickly because he’ll dissapear. Very confusing. I have mentioned in a jokingly way his bad texting. And he says he isn’t a very big texter or phone person and he’s sorry it made me feel he wasn’t interested but I do know he uses his phone for snap a ton. But maybe that’s not a huge deal. Moral of the story I’m stuck on what this is and where it’s heading. He is extremely busy for the next two weeks so when I text him about hanging out again (because I just kinda wanna figure our once and for all if I’m wasting my Time) and he said he couldn’t (did say the reasons) I couldn’t take that as too much of a sign. But now I’m just discouraged and don’t know where I stand. I was looking for his in person connection to match his lack of texting effort so I could be assured he isn’t interested and move on but he’s just not giving me a tell take sign. I don’t feel like texting now because I feel I’ve done by bit but it’s discouraging. I need to see him again at some point to retrieve something I left at his place. But yeah could really use some thoughts or guidance. I don’t date a ton (have had relationships in the past) so I get caught up on things and don’t know if his lack of effort is a sign or he is being genuine about just not being a texter.

    • Charles says:

      Joanne, you are the female version of me..met a very nice lady, she initiated the outing. Initially, I thought she was just being friendly…but when I told others about our time together, they said she is totally into me…but by this time, I think had already lost interest..because after helping her a couple times after her surgery, she had this cold look…but on top of that, I unwittingly became a text stalker during her recuperating..looking back at the texts, I can see where she just checked out of any relstionship…besides, she probably got freaked out when she realised her 4 yo daughter and I got along…but the every other day of texting, blew the lid off it…missed opportunity over common sense..

  2. Yvonne says:


    It’s plain and simple. Speaking from my own experience he is just not that into you. I would stop contacting him and move on.

  3. Zoe says:

    I’m in a situation, I started a casual thing with a man around four months ago. Last weekend he admitted he was falling for me but thought he was too selfish to play a part in my children’s lives. We then saw each other but didn’t talk about what had been said. He’s now distancing himself, he texts and asks questions about my day etc and I usually wait a few hours to reply but when I do he usually leaves it for a day before he replies. He’s done this before and usually comes back as if nothing’s happened. It’s just hard because he’s gone from sending me good night messages every night to this. Should I say something about giving us both some space or just leave him for a while until he comes out of his man cave?! Thanks xx

    • jessmccann says:

      Hi, I’m i’m afraid there’s not much you can do in the situation since this man has flatly told you he’s too selfish to become a family man. I don’t think he’s ever really going to come out of his cave because he is inherently selfish. Your choices are except this man for who he is and the relationship for what it is, or move On.

  4. Etta says:

    Hello Jess,
    I realize I like him just a few weeks ago, and feel he feels the same.
    However, we had a disagreement which made me so angry. He/we tried to talk it out, but his solution was so weird to me (not itcky weird, I just didnt like it), that we separated sorta. The effect of that on me was heartbreaking.
    But the next thing I know past Sunday and Monday he called twice, but didnt leave a message. Yes I guess I was still a little stung, so I refused to answer. He called again that day, I still didnt answer. The next day Monday he

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>