Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings? : The 3 things you should know about loving your guy

Dating tips, dating men, single woman

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I remember in high school the very distinct feeling that I would never understand men. The boys I had dated long-term in both high school and college sent me such conflicting messages that I truly believed men simply didn’t have emotions. Not like women did, anyway. After all, how can you tell someone you love them one day, and then blow them off to party with your friends the next? It seemed I was always waiting to hear how the guy felt, what he thought, and where he deemed our relationship was going.  Everything was on the guys terms because I cared too much and wanted to work through anything, while they took their time mulling over the pros and cons of being with me. It was frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. I remember thinking, how in the world can I sustain a relationship with any man if they aren’t as emotionally invested as I am?!

Luckily, after I graduated college, I met and dated a boy that showed me that not all men are cut from the same cloth. He was sweet, fun, and the first real relationship I had ever had. And thanks to him, my previous philosophy on men being void of emotion completely changed. I realized there would be men in the world that would match my emotional investment, and I learned a few very key insights that helped me continue through the dating world, and end up happily married to my wonderful husband today. Had my mentality not changed on this, I might still be dating in circles right now.

Here is what I want to pass on to women who feel as I did back then.

1. Men need reassurance. I realize now, looking back, that I never really gave any love to my high school old boyfriend. I was brought up that men needed to treat me with respect. I was told they were lucky to be with me, and that I needed to keep them in pursuit. In essence, I just had to “be” in the relationship to make the guy happy and my job ended there. My poor BF brought me flowers, wrote me love notes, and met me after every class. What did I do for him? Complained if he had to stay late at practice, or decided to eat lunch with his friends one day out of the week. Sadly, it didn’t dawn on me until later in life that my job wasn’t to just receive love from a guy, it was to give love to him, too. And that included positive affirmations of my feelings – which I never gave anyone because it was drilled into my head that I was to keep them in hot pursuit at all times. But at some point, the chase has to end for the relationship to really begin.

2. Not all men are created equal. Yes, there are guys out there that are jerks, players, or narcissists, and they do not know how to be in a relationship with anyone. But there are also men that are kind, loving, supportive, yet still strong and masculine. I went into a lot of my younger relationships expecting to be let down and hurt because that is what the guy before and the guy before did. However, assuming this made me defensive and suspicious. In other words, a real joy to be around! I spent a lot of time overreacting to certain situations that warranted no reaction at all because I just assumed all men were the same. If one had wronged me in the past, it was only a matter of time that the current one would too. Letting go of the “all men are the same” mantra was one of the biggest feats my younger self ever had and one that changed the course of my relationships going forward.

3. I could take the lead sometimes. I remember thinking that whoever I was with was not only less emotional but somehow smarter or more together than I was. I assumed that the logical male mind meant that all men had a plan and any proposal that I came up with would only be secondary to theirs. It wasn’t until dating around in my early twenties that I realized there were a good deal of men that were (and I say this lovingly), clueless. And sometimes guys just want you to take charge and tell them what you want instead of always having the responsibility of doing the planning. It doesn’t matter if we are talking dinner plans or financial plans. Men don’t have all the answers. Assuming they did always made me upset when they didn’t fully take charge, because I assumed it was due to lack of interest in me. Now I know, some guys just need direction on things. In fact, most of the good ones, want your direction at least half the time.

If you want to ask me personal question about your relationship, you can contact me through my website or you can ask on Twitter. Follow me @iamjessmccann to ask about your own dating dilemma.

If you want to learn more about how to interact with the guy you are in a relationship with, check out my newest book, “Was It Something I Said? The answer to all your dating dilemmas” for advice on how to get through uncomfortable conversations and sticky situations.

To continue on to my blog, click here.

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Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:

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    Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

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Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, does my boyfriend still love me, Texting and dating, Troubled Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

3 Responses to Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings? : The 3 things you should know about loving your guy

  1. Melissa says:

    Jess,

    thanks for your responds to my question. May I suggest something? I think that your next blog should be about getting the guy in a world of hook ups and texting.

    The New York Times recently wrote an article called, The End of Courtship, in which guys just texts girls to hang out at sport bars or do things for free. Men no longer needs to take a girl out on a date any more.

    Thus, how should a 20-30 something woman gets a guy that she likes if all he does is invites to hang out or chat with her on social networks? How should she date in a world of hook ups, hang outs, and social networks but no real dates?

    • jessmccann says:

      Thank you for your comment and suggestion! Yes, I’m familiar with the NYT article, and I will happily blog about how to handle the “hanging out” invite when you really want to “date”. Also, please remember that my newest book, “Was It Something I Said? The answer to all your dating dilemmas” is a Q&A scenario book covering just this sort of problem in today’s dating world. It covers how to turn a hook up into a relationship, how get him to stop texting and ask you out, and what you can do to turn things around when your relationship begins to go downhill!

  2. Well I really think he does like me, he does most of these stuff anyway except the talking part- he literally never talks to me. He just passes by whenever I see him and well, I also don t say a thing to him ?

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