Last week I was contacted by Carolyne Zinko of the San Fransisco Chronicle. She was doing another article on dating and asked me to give my two cents. She also interviewed other relationship experts for their point of view, including America’s #1 Pick Up Artist, Adam Lyons (his advice should be interesting…) I thought it would be great to share these pearls of wisdom with all of you. We cover everything from how to flirt to how to move on. Enjoy!
How to find, keep, or ditch your Valentine. By Carolyne Zinko, San Francisco Chronicle.
It’s here again, that red-letter day that makes some of us joyful and others cringe: Valentine’s Day, a day to shower your mate with gifts and cards filled with sappy sentiments, or to sit home wallowing in self-pity because you’re dateless.
Named for a martyr, it’s thought that Valentine’s Day took on a Christian emphasis under Pope Gelasius in A.D. 498 to purify – or shift focus from – the Roman festival Lupercalia. According to HistoryChannel.com, the fest involved goat hides, blood and crop fields, but also a lottery in which young women placed their names in an urn and bachelors drew names out at random. The couple paired up for a year, unions that sometimes led to marriage.
Is modern-day mate finding any less a game of chance? We consider ourselves civilized these days, meeting people at health clubs, nightclubs or through online dating services, but even the best prospects don’t always jell. To help love hunters beat the odds, Style has culled advice from books, life coaches and even a pickup artist on how to find, keep or let go of your lover. If all else fails, make Valentine’s Day about love, not your lack of a love life, by showering your attention and appreciation on friends instead.
1. Finding your Valentine
“While flirting, be sincere, yourself, funny and positive. Don’t start talking about marriage or commitment on the first date. … Men should wash their hair, check their nose hair and wear nice shoes. Women, don’t wear anything too tight; choose soft fabrics like cashmere, silk charmeuse or satin. Guys love gals in sky-high heels; platforms and wedges don’t count.”
- “The It’s Just Lunch Guide to Dating” (10 Finger Press, Soquel, 2010)
“Be happy now because it’s like an attraction elixir. Men have a radar for women who are unhappy and are waiting for a man to make them happy. If we wait for someone else to make us happy, we’re giving our power over to someone else.”
- Leslie Stewart, San Francisco life and love coach, belovesavvy.com
“Don’t say, “Can I have your phone number?” As soon as you do, most girls assume you’re hitting on them. Replace it with “What’s the best way to stay in touch?” and you’ll bypass their natural reflex to say “no.” “
- Adam Lyons, former club promoter, named America’s No. 1 Pick-Up Artist, 2009 World Pick-up Summit in Hollywood
“Set aside time to prospect for a date. You make time to eat and workout; why should looking for love be any different? Spend an hour a day on Internet dating sites, sorting through profiles. It’s a numbers game. Meet enough guys and you will find one that you like.”
- “You Lost Him at Hello: A Saleswoman’s Secrets to Closing the Deal With Any Guy You Want,” Jess McCann (HCI, 2008)
2. Keeping your Valentine
“A wonderful man is one who brags about you … sings your praises, both to you and to others. If (he) brags about you, he is also one you brag about. As you truthfully appreciate from your heart your man’s specific behaviors, you establish a general climate of appreciation for your mate. People flourish in such an environment.”
- “Your Man Is Wonderful,” by psychologist Noelle C. Nelson (Free Press, 2009)
“Keep girls’ and guys’ nights going, or find a passion outside your significant other, for balance. Making someone your life is constricting and can sabotage your relationship.”
- Leslie Stewart
“Keep dates fun. Dinner and a movie is dead, but aquariums, zoos, laser tag or anything involving an activity is going to keep your relationship alive.”
- Adam Lyons
“Don’t come on too strong. To be assertive without seeming desperate, use the “mirror theory” and imitate his actions. If he writes you a short e-mail, don’t reply with a long dissertation. If he texts you, text back, but do not call. Let him set the standard; follow his lead.”
- Jess McCann
“If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.”
- Beyoncé, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”
3. Parting from your Valentine
“Watch for red flags. Did he snap at you when you took too long to order your entree? Don’t ignore the subtle signs that make you go, “Hmmm.” Get out before you waste too much time with a guy that is not for you. Then, go cold turkey. The longer you stay in contact, the longer it takes to get over the guy. Cut all ties and don’t look back.”
- Jess McCann
“Don’t sugarcoat it; tell the person exactly how you feel, and more importantly, how you don’t want to waste more of their time by dragging it out. You know it wasn’t easy for you to bring yourself to break up, but you thought letting them know sooner would be better for both of you.”
- Adam Lyons
“Stop breaking up via text; do it in person. Keep it kind, mostly truthful and positive. Rejection is the universe’s way of making sure you don’t settle for the wrong relationship. Trust there is something better on its way to you.”
- Leslie Stewart
- Carolyne Zinko, email@example.comRead more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/02/14/LVTL1BS4ON.DTL#ixzz0fjAXtJ8h
Don’t forget to attend Party with a Purpose tomorrow, Feb 17, 2010 at Tattoo Lounge in NW DC. Also, be sure to contact Jess for a date consulting session if you need help finding, keeping or ditching your Valentine.