It’s baffled women across the globe. We have racked our brains, asked our friends, and even consulted a professional. But no matter what we do, it seems we will never truly know why that cute single guy we met last week, who asked for our number, and seemed so interested, never called.
Yes, I have the answer. I’m not kidding. I actually feel a little silly that it took this long to figure it out. Especially being that the it’s something that I’ve always known but never made the connection. So without further adieu, here it is. The reason behind the “Can I get your number and never call you.”
To understand this phenomenon, I want you to imagine you are Christmas shopping for a nice little gift for yourself. Yes, you have been good this year and you are allowing yourself one present. So you go to Nordstrom and you see these cute shoes that will go perfectly with your New Years Eve dress. You try them on and they look even better on your feet! You walk around testing them out. You love them. You are happy you have finally found your Christmas present. You look over at the line and see that it is out of control. Ugh. The holiday season. You ask the saleswoman to hold on to the shoes so you can shop around a bit more and wait for the line to die down.
You leave the store and head straight to Starbucks to grab a drink. You head into a few other stores. Nothing too exciting. You keep going. Finally an hour passes and you find yourself at the opposite end of the mall. Your feet hurt from all the walking. Your caffeine has worn off and you sit down on one of the couches outside Urban Outfitters. The mall is going to close in thirty minutes. Should you walk all the way back to Nordstrom to get your shoes? It seems miles away now. Your car is right outside the door. You don’t want to walk all the way back to Nordstorm and then all the back to your car here. You could drive back to Nordstorm, but then you’d have to find parking all over again and it was such a pain in the ass this afternoon. Suddenly your phone rings and it’s your BFF. You tell her your shoe dilemma. She says, “Why don’t you just borrow my Manolo’s for New Years?” You think about it. Not a bad idea. You’d save money, not have to walk or drive back to Nordstrom, and you’d be wearing shoes that are new to you. “Okay,” you tell her. And with that, you’ve abandoned the shoes you promised to buy.
Just as you talked yourself out of buying those shoes, time and time again, men talk themselves out of calling women. They have the same dialogue going on in their heads — I could call her, but it is so much easier not to. If I call her, what would I say? What if she doesn’t call me back? Was she really that interested anyway? Plus my ex girlfriend called me last night and I could just call her instead. That would be easier. What seems like such a good idea at the time, often becomes less of a good idea the more you think about it.
You cannot and should not take it personally when a guy you just met doesn’t call or text you. Who knows what the reason is, but if you just recently met him, there is no possible way the reason is you. He doesn’t know you so how can he reject you? What tends to happen is just what I stated above. When a man is in the moment, and you are right in front of him, he is on a high. Adrenaline is pulsing through his veins and emotion is overriding all other factors. However, once the high dies down and he is away from the situation, logic sets in. He may start to second guess himself. He may start to talk himself out of things. He can get distracted with other priorities, and then what he had planned and promised to do gets pushed to the bottom of the list.
So don’t despair that the guy you met last night didn’t follow up on that phone call he promised. It has nothing to do with you this time around. Go buy yourself some shoes and you will soon feel better
Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:
To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann to ask a question about your relationship!
If you have a dating dilemma that you don’t know how to handle, this is the book for you. How do you turn a friend into something more? What do you do when you run into your ex? Can you get him to stop texting and ask you out on a date? All these questions and more are answered in this Q&A dating scenario book! Continue reading
If you’ve read most dating books, you know a long-standing cardinal rule is to let the guy approach you first. However, with advances in modern technology have come advances in modern-day dating.
Most men would now prefer a woman to say hello, or at least display some sign of interest in chatting with them.
If you have your eye on a guy and want to strike up a conversation, here a few easy tips on the best way to do so!
Playing aloof and avoiding a man’s stare stopped working years ago, so if you are still holding on to the old “play hard to get” proverb when it comes to men approaching you, it’s no wonder you’re still single.
Men these days need a sign that you are interested.
In my book, “You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to ‘I Do,’” I advise women to use a technique called the S.E.E. Factor.
It stands for Smile, Eye Contact, Energy.
You can use it anywhere and with any guy you fancy. Just smile, lock eyes for a full two to three seconds and exude a good, positive energy.
This will send him the message you are not only open to a conversation, but you are available for one (i.e. you aren’t taken by another man!)
Most guys fear rejection, so the S.E.E. Factor will give them the confidence they need to say hello.
“Warm yourself up by smiling and
talking to everyone around you.”
But to meet the man of your dreams, the guy you’ve been waiting for your whole life, you need to think with more than just your heart. You need the secret strategies of a smart dating coach.
Out today on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere, You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to “I Do”: Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, has been the book to help single woman across the globe find and meet the love of their lives. Now this popular and proven guide has been revised and expanded with success stories and new techniques to help you find the guy that’s right for you – but more importantly to help you keep him once you do.
It was only a few years ago that I was a desperately seeking single myself. I didn’t understand why men never approached me, or why a first date didn’t result in a second. In college I had a bevvy of bad relationships that all left me sad and confused, prompting the question that most women ask themselves at some point in their lives: What’s wrong with me?
Lucky for me, just when all hope seemed lost, a revelation occurred and everything changed. I discovered a formula for dating that showed me how to better handle the tricky get-to-know-you phase and guided me towards commitment. Dates turned into relationships, and boys turned into boyfriends. In the past I used to agonize over every move I made. What should I say? When should I call? How should I act? With my new found strategy, however, I gained the confidence to take control of my relationships, and trust that if I stayed the course, it would lead me to a happy ending…
And it did.
If you are ready for a change in your love life, I can help you. Over the last several years I have studied and perfected a strategy that has helped guide women through the dating process and deliver them safely on the other side. The strategy will not only help you date smarter and find love faster, it will also protect you from making common mistakes that could easily sabotage your chances for a solid relationship. In You Lost Him at Hello you will find techniques that will help you:
* Find men and have them approach you (yes, there is a way!)
* Learn to read his signs of interest so you know if and when you should make a move
* End your date at the “Height of Impulse” so he will want to see you again
* How to actually “be yourself” around him – even though you are nervous!
* The number one technique that most women don’t do that will lead you to love this year
Stop making the same mistakes over and over again and start getting results. You Lost Him at Hello is every single girls secret weapon.
Jess McCann is also the author of the books, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas (Globe Pequot, January 2013). She is an international dating and relationship coach who works with men and women all over the world, teaching them how to rid themselves of long standing habits that prevent them from finding love, and shows them how to move forward. To learn more about the coaching process, visit her here.
To continue reading advice blogs, click here.
I remember in high school the very distinct feeling that I would never understand men. The boys I had dated long-term in both high school and college sent me such conflicting messages that I truly believed men simply didn’t have emotions. Not like women did, anyway. After all, how can you tell someone you love them one day, and then blow them off to party with your friends the next? It seemed I was always waiting to hear how the guy felt, what he thought, and where he deemed our relationship was going. Everything was on the guys terms because I cared too much and wanted to work through anything, while they took their time mulling over the pros and cons of being with me. It was frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. I remember thinking, how in the world can I sustain a relationship with any man if they aren’t as emotionally invested as I am?!
Luckily, after I graduated college, I met and dated a boy that showed me that not all men are cut from the same cloth. He was sweet, fun, and the first real relationship I had ever had. And thanks to him, my previous philosophy on men being void of emotion completely changed. I realized there would be men in the world that would match my emotional investment, and I learned a few very key insights that helped me continue through the dating world, and end up happily married to my wonderful husband today. Had my mentality not changed on this, I might still be dating in circles right now.
Here is what I want to pass on to women who feel as I did back then.
1. Men need reassurance. I realize now, looking back, that I never really gave any love to my high school old boyfriend. I was brought up that men needed to treat me with respect. I was told they were lucky to be with me, and that I needed to keep them in pursuit. In essence, I just had to “be” in the relationship to make the guy happy and my job ended there. My poor BF brought me flowers, wrote me love notes, and met me after every class. What did I do for him? Complained if he had to stay late at practice, or decided to eat lunch with his friends one day out of the week. Sadly, it didn’t dawn on me until later in life that my job wasn’t to just receive love from a guy, it was to give love to him, too. And that included positive affirmations of my feelings – which I never gave anyone because it was drilled into my head that I was to keep them in hot pursuit at all times. But at some point, the chase has to end for the relationship to really begin.
2. Not all men are created equal. Yes, there are guys out there that are jerks, players, or narcissists, and they do not know how to be in a relationship with anyone. But there are also men that are kind, loving, supportive, yet still strong and masculine. I went into a lot of my younger relationships expecting to be let down and hurt because that is what the guy before and the guy before did. However, assuming this made me defensive and suspicious. In other words, a real joy to be around! I spent a lot of time overreacting to certain situations that warranted no reaction at all because I just assumed all men were the same. If one had wronged me in the past, it was only a matter of time that the current one would too. Letting go of Continue reading
The blog post below an excerpt from my new Q&A scenario book, “Was it Something I Said?”
Dear Jess, I ruined my chances with a great guy! We dated for three
months, and I did everything wrong. I told him I loved him in the first few weeks, slept with him way too soon, and basically acted too needy throughout the entire relationship. When he broke up with me, he told me he just wasn’t ready to commit, but I know it’s because of all the mistakes I made. I know what I need to do better now, but I need him to give me a chance to prove it. Is there any way to talk him into taking me back?
As they say, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and in your situation this man has already dated you, learned who you are, and decided that you are not compatible. Changing his mind about you now is not going to be easy. However, if you feel strongly about him and want to try, I do have some advice on how to best go about it.
1. Stop all contact.
I know this seems completely opposite from what you are try-ing to accomplish, but, for now, it’s what needs to be done. The “needy, noncompatible you” is still fresh in this man’s head. Any time you reach out to him in an attempt to show him you’re different now won’t do any good. Three months of bad behavior cannot be erased with one pleasant phone call or dinner date. Reconciliation will take time. Get comfortable, because it isn’t going to happen by the weekend. A safe amount of time to wait would be half as long as the duration of your relationship. For example, if you dated for three months, you should not contact him for a month and a half.
Much like the song “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away,” your ex can’t miss you, or forget the way you were, if he continues to see you at the gym or bumps into you at the coffee shop in his office lobby. You must put time and distance between you. This means not only cutting contact directly (no texts, e-mails, phone calls), but also indirectly via Facebook, Twitter, or the occasional random run-in. He needs to wonder where you went, and he can- not do that if your status keeps popping up in his news feed.
Once you have let the recommended amount of time go by, you can then resurface. However, you should not contact your ex directly if possible. It would be better to casually connect again by running into each other randomly on purpose. The reason is that direct contact implies that you are not over the relationship and you are still attempting to make amends. And although that is the truth, your ex may be on guard if he feels that is the case. You want him to forget the past and see you in a whole new light. The reason he liked you in the first place was because
My friend Megan called me last night completely confused. She recently met a guy online and was starting to really like him. “He’s cute, smart, and very witty,” Megan said to me. “The only problem is, I can’t tell if he likes me, or if he’s just looking for a hook-up.” Of course I was intrigued, and I asked her what made her think that he was trying to get into her pants verses her heart? She thought for a second and said, “The dates we go on seem to be going downhill. First date was a nice restaurant. Second date was drinks at a bar. Third date he just asked me to come over and hang out at his house. What do you think? Is it in my head, or is he just out for one thing?”
Good question. And with just that information, it would certainly seem so. But let’s not jump to conclusions here. Yes, there are some guys out there that are not interested in getting serious. They want to play the field, and have sex with anything they find aesthetically stimulating. However, there are also men out there that do want to find a good girl to hunker down with. So the question is, how do you know which guys are which? How can you spot out the guys who are just out to score and split?
1. He doesn’t try to impress you. Most guys want to make a good impression with someone they like. They try very hard to please a girl, especially in the beginning. But if he doesn’t seem to be making much of an effort there could be a good reason why. Vanessa was dating a guy that called her everyday. He seemed to want to get to know her since he was making such frequent contact. But when they were together he didn’t pay much attention to her. “He would have me come over and sit on the couch while he watched football. Or he’d invite me out with his friends but spent more time with them than with me. It became very obvious that the only time I got attention was when he wanted to make out.”
Don’t get confused if he is extra attentive over the phone, and not so much in person. It takes no time or effort to send a quick text. The real test is how he acts when he’s around you.
2. He doesn’t go the extra mile. It’s the little things that make all the difference. Does he open your car door, hang up your coat, or take you out for ice cream when you’ve had a tough day? For Rachel the answer was not so much. She was dating a guy that wouldn’t go an extra inch, forget about a mile. “He would always make me go meet him whenever we went out. He never picked me up at my house. I had to drive to see him or else we weren’t getting together.”
Be wary when you feel like you are doing all the work in the relationship. It’s a give and a take, yes, but in the beginning a guy will bend over backwards to win over a woman he cares for.
3. There is no mental connection. He wants to get to know you in the biblical sense, but how about just getting to know you period? Does he ask you about yourself? Your friends? Your career? A man that wants to settle down will ask you about yourself to see if you are the kind of woman he wants to be with. He’s fishing to see if there is a future. But if the relationship never gets into serious discussions it’s because he has no serious plans for it. My client, Brynn was dating a man that talked about himself incessantly. He was so self-absorbed that she eventually realized he would never love her more than he loved himself.
4. He is pressuring. Does he tell you that sex is really important to a relationship? Does he make you feel bad for holding out? Does he make it seem like he can only open up emotionally if you open up physically? If that is the case, run for the hills. This guy is just out to get some nookie. Don’t let him manipulate you. Sex is important to a relationship yes, but are you even in a relationship yet? Or have you only been dating for five weeks? Truth be told, a good guy will wait forever for the right girl. A selfish guy, however, will wait for no one.
If you really like the guy you are hooking up with, and want to find out how to get him to take you seriously, you must do one very important thing – stop hooking up with him. He won’t give you more if you don’t require more. There is a way to let him know that you like him, but aren’t going to keep casually hooking-up with him until you have decided where the relationship is going. It’s a tricky conversation to have but it’s all laid out in my new book, “Was It Something I Said? : the answers to all your dating dilemma’s.” Check out an excerpt from the book right here!
In this Question and Answer book you will find all the best advice for handling every romantic situation. We cover it all – from hooking up, texting back, and moving forward to a lasting commitment. If you have ever been stuck searching for the right words to say, this book will give you word-for-word instruction on how to tackle the most troubling scenarios. How do you bring up the “Relationship Talk”? How do you ask him if he’s seeing other girls? What do you say if you like him but don’t want to go all the way? You will never again be at a loss for words. Any question you may have is answered right here!
Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:
The dating book that has helped single women across the globe!
You are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”
Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.
And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.
I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.
Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely and use them when they want to. Those same women often Continue reading
I had only been dating Palmer for a few months but I already knew I really liked him. I was twenty-one at the time and just finishing up my last year of college. Palmer avidly pursued me. I’d run into him at clubs and parties and he’d always slip away from his date and plead with me to go out with him. I thought it was exciting and romantic. I thought he was exciting and romantic. Finally after months of asking, I obliged a dinner invite and we ended up at restaurant near school. He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors and pulling out chairs. He paid for dinner and asked if he could kiss me goodnight. That date sealed the deal for me. I was falling for him.
A few months into our relationship, Palmer decided to enroll in my school. He had taken a few years off to wait tables and save money. I could tell he was nervous about his first day because he spent an extra ten minutes in the bathroom doing his hair and asked my opinion on three different shirts. When we got in the car and headed out to school Palmer was very quiet. He didn’t even turn on the radio. I reached over and rubbed back a little. “Hey,” I said. “Don’t be nervous. Everything is going to be great.” I wasn’t expecting the reaction I got.
“Get off of me,” he said with irritation.
An alarm went off in my head. I heard it. I tried to make sense of it. Why would he be upset with me? Why would he be annoyed at me for being supportive? I was confused. I looked at Palmer for a few seconds, hoping he would realize what he had said and apologize. But he didn’t. He just kept driving.
That was the moment that Palmer showed me who he really was. It was also the moment I chose to ignore it.
I continued dating Palmer for several more months and I can honestly say without a doubt it was the most emotionally exhausting, confidence wrecking relationship of my life. He was a moody, selfish person that threw anger tantrums if he didn’t get his way. He was also a womanizer that needed endless attention in order to feed his ego. At the time though, I blamed myself, thinking I was not good enough and couldn’t make him happy. That’s what happens when you don’t listen when someone tells you who they are. You get in too deep and you can no longer see them clearly. That day in the car I heard the alarm bells and knew that he had issues. But as I continued to date him, his issues disappeared and mine began to develop.
I have always loved Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.” Over the years I’ve realized the importance of this message as it saves you wasted time believing in false hope that people will become who you want them to be. Who are we to tell them who to be anyway? All of us have been told at some point in our lives that people don’t change, so to some of you perhaps Maya Angelou’s quote may not be as profound a statement. But I think that the emphasis here is not to simply believe someone when they show you who they are, it is to believe them when they FIRST show you. That is the crux of the message. For if you ignore it the first time, you will lock yourself in for a long ride ending in disappointment. Had I gotten out of the car that day and decided that Palmer’s reaction was not normal, not nice, and not fine with me, I could have saved myself many months of heartache and many years of self-doubt.
Today I’m blessed to be happily married to my wonderful husband. I learned a great deal from my prior relationships and thankfully I was able to self-improve instead of self-destruct. But I was fortunate. I had good family, great friends, and God and the Universe somehow pulled me through the dark times unscathed. But other people have not been so lucky. So if you have been in an unsatisfying relationship because you’ve been ignoring your partners true self, open your eyes and start to see what they’ve been telling you all along.
Update: Over a decade later, Palmer is still in school, still waiting tables and still throwing anger tantrums.
After months and months of filling your funnel, you think you’ve found a guy you really like. He’s smart and funny, sensitive and sweet, with just a dash of edge and spontaneity. You’ve been seeing each other for roughly three months and feel like you are both pretty into each other. Only thing is, you haven’t had “The Talk” yet. Does he consider you to be exclusive? Are you still dating other people? Can you start introducing him as your boyfriend? These questions can all be answered with one little conversation. But how do you bring it up? Before you cross the Rubicon and have this discussion, you must think this through. Once you have the talk, there is no going back. Say too much too soon and you could scare the guy off or tip your hand. But if you wait too long you could lose your sanity, or worse, waste your time on a guy that never had long term intentions. So what’s a girl to do?
The best way to have the relationship talk is to make the guy bring it up first. So how do you make him start yapping?
Rule No. 1 : Whenever you are trying to get someone to do what you want, always negotiate from a position of strength. In this case, you want this guy to be your boyfriend, right? You want him to stop seeing other girls and make you his one and only. Great. What kind of bargaining power do you have that will make him want to do this? What will he get in return that he is not getting now?
When my friend Cara started seeing her boyfriend, Justin, she refused to spend the night at his house. They would hang out, watch movies, eat dinner, and fool around, but never did she put on her PJ’s and climb into bed with him. He hated that she always went home and eventually asked her what he needed to do to get her to stay. That’s when they started having the talk. Because her boyfriend wanted her to spend the night, Cara was able to negotiate from a position of strength.
Now, let’s say you’ve already blown that. You’ve not only been spending the night, but you’ve been having sex with the guy too. You are now in a position of weakness because you want the guy to give you girlfriend status, but you have nothing that he wants from you (because he’s already getting it!) Continue reading
I want to share a story with you all. One that may strike close to home. It’s about a girl named, Claire, who was pretty, smart, wildly successful, but could not seem to find a boyfriend. Her friends and family couldn’t understand it. They would say to her, “Claire, you are the total package. Why can’t you find a boyfriend?” Claire didn’t get it herself. She would go out with her friends, looking for guys, but for some reason, they never approached her. Finally after years prospecting and having no luck, she turned to the internet. She joined a dating … Continue reading