The reports are fuzzy, but they are there. Jon Mayer and Jennifer Aniston may not be fully back together, but something is definitely brewing between them. For me, that is all I need to hear to say what I am going to say. Is Jennifer Aniston perhaps the dumbest woman alive? Wow. Please for the love of God, someone give her my phone number. I’ve been a big fan of Jen’s for years and yes, I even had the Rachel haircut back in the day, so I’m pulling for her, but cheese and crackers she is making it tough these days.
If she does give Mayer a chance, this will be three times and it won’t be a charm. Hello, Jen, ever hear of the definition of insanity? It’s doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. That is what you are doing. Dating the same ego-centric bad boy musician and expecting him to suddenly turn into loving, selfless, committed boyfriend. Ain’t going to happen.
While I’m at it, Kate Hudson, you may as well get in on this too.
I had a woman email me a few months ago asking for some advice. She has been having an on-and-off relationship with a guy much like Aniston. They would fight and break up but ultimately get back together again. Every time, he swears he’s going to be better, but so far it hasn’t been the case. So how do you know when it’s a good idea to take back your ex? How do you know if it will really work this time?
There are a few good ways to tell if taking back your ex will yield the result you want. Here is what you must do: Continue reading
I got an email yesterday from a woman in Texas that was wrestling with her relationship. She has been dating a guy for about six months and is becoming increasingly frustrated about where the relationship is going. Here is a exert from her email:
“I can’t figure him out. He tells me that he is not ready for a serious relationship. He tells me that he needs his space, but at the same time he calls me throughout the week and we often spend at least one night together on the weekends. I can’t tell if he is scared of getting hurt, or if he has commitment issues. What he says and what he does are so conflicting that it’s driving me mad. I don’t know what to do and talking to him about this only confuses me more.”
Question. How many women do you know that go on dates just for fun? How many women do you know that continue to see a man that they don’t really like? Probably not many. If you are like most women, chances are the moment a guy asks for your phone number you start wondering, could this guy be the one? We date with a purpose. Or at least most of us do. We date to find that partner for life, that husband to love us, that father for our children. Rarely do we date just to date. Guys on the other hand…
True, there are those men out there that are solely interested in long term commitment right off the bat. There are always exceptions to every rule, so please hear me when I caveat what I’m about to say. Most guys do not go out on a first date and think, could she be the one? More often than not they are thinking about what it would be like to kiss you. They wonder what you are all about and if your personalities will click. They are thinking about what comes next. They don’t daydream ten years down the line. They don’t fantasize about what your children will look like. At least not on a first date.
This is important to keep in mind because going one step further, most women think, “if he’s not interested in marrying me, he’d break it off with me,” and that is just not always the case. Men, as I outlined above, don’t always think the way we do. I’ve known men that have kept women around for years with no intention of marrying them. I’ve had guy friends tell me, “I like her, but she’s not the one.” I can name a hundred different scenarios where men will keep dating someone that they don’t see themselves committing to. I call these women the “good-for-now” girlfriends.
G-F-N girlfriends are just that – good for right now. Maybe the guy is traveling a lot and needs someone to hang out with when he comes back to town. He’s too busy to put too much thought into dating, so he sticks with who’s he’s comfortable with. It’s easy, he likes her, but will he marry her? No. Eventually when she pressures him enough, he’ll crack and break it off. Is this fair? He thinks so. After all, he did tell her upfront he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.
It would be great if all men and women were honest with their feelings. We’d all probably find our happily ever after a lot faster that way. But the truth is we aren’t always truthful and forthcoming. The truth is we sometimes put our own feelings ahead of the other persons. I experienced this first hand with a relative of mine that was dating a woman he didn’t see a future with. He dated her for three years! Three years with no intention of marrying her or even fully committing to her. How could he do this? How could he waste her time? Very easily, I would say. He told her all along that he was commitment-phobic and unsure about marriage. He told her he liked her very much and wanted to spend time with her, but needed his space. In his eyes he was honest and upfront with her, even though he was seeing her twice a week and spending the holidays with her, he didn’t feel guilty because he told her what to expect.
Scary if you are a woman. Scary to think you could be in a relationship with someone at this very moment and not know what’s going on in your man’s head. Scary to think maybe you are a good-for-now-girlfriend. But just knowing that this is possible, should make you all the more wiser. Just knowing that a man can date you without real purpose, should give you the gumption to walk away if you’re feeling frustrated. You want and deserve to be more than a good-for-nower. You deserve forever.
If you are worried about where your relationship is going, Continue reading
When I was a little girl my father would come home every night at six o’clock. I would wait patiently by the front door, nose pressed against the glass, trying to catch the first glimpse of his old brown LeBaron coming up the street. He would walk in the door all smiles and grab me in his arms to hug and kiss me hello. At dinner he would commend my accomplishments of the day, possibly a finger painting or some sort of holiday diorama. He’d tuck me into bed promptly at eight but not before reading a passage or two from one of my favorite books. I never felt unloved, never felt unimportant, never felt anything but safe and happy.
I thought all children felt this way for a very long time. It wasn’t until I was in sixth grade that I realized not every girl had a father like mine. I remember going over to a friend’s house for the first time after school one day. My mother let me stay for dinner and I was shocked that the family started eating without their Dad. In fact, my friends’ father didn’t come home until much later and we were already back to playing downstairs in the basement. I heard his heavy footsteps and deep voice through the floor. I stopped playing Nintendo, expecting my friend to spring to her feet at any moment to greet him. But she didn’t flinch.
“Don’t you want to go see your Dad?” I asked her.
“No.” She said quite firmly. “I hate him. He’s mean.”
Her words were so jarring I didn’t know what to make of them. How could she hate her Dad? I became so curious to meet the man of the house I made up the excuse of wanting some water. My friend walked me back up stairs where we found her Dad eating at the dinner table, buried behind a newspaper. She didn’t acknowledge him as she walked by. He didn’t acknowledge her either. On our way back from the kitchen, her Dad abruptly tossed his paper to the side.
“Did you clean that hamster cage yet like I told you to?” Her Dad asked without looking up from his meal.
“Yes.” My friend answered.
I stood there, behind my friend, just starring at her father. What was going on here? Why wasn’t he so happy to see her? Why wasn’t he asking about her day? Didn’t he want to know who I was? My mind raced with questions, but I didn’t dare ask any of them. Instead I took them home and thought on them some more. Was her father always late for dinner? Did he usually read the paper at the table? Did he ever hug my friend? Why did she say she hated him?
As my friend and I grew closer I learned more about her Dad and their relationship. He worked for an Insurance company, a job he hated, but he also coached girl’s basketball at the community center. He was a huge fan of the game and spent all of his free time on the court. And, of course, he enrolled his only daughter to play on the team. My friend was not athletic. Truthfully, she hated sports. She was into music and art. But her father wouldn’t hear of her quitting, in fact, if she complained too much he would ground her. So every weekend was filled with practice and games, which made my friend miserable.
Their relationship was not warm and loving. It was based on fear and resentment. Her father ruled with an iron fist, and his word was not to be challenged. He didn’t want to know his daughter, he just wanted her to fall in line.
The choices you make today…
You may be living the life of a single girl now, but one day your role will change. One day you will be a wife, and eventually a mother. The man you chose for a partner, will not only be your husband, but the father of your children. To think that far ahead is hard for some of us, but it’s a critical that we do so. You are not only choosing a man for yourself, you are choosing a man that will head your entire household. You cannot think only of the relationship you will have with him. You must also consider the relationship he could have with your son or daughter. So before you say yes to any man, you must ask yourself, “what kind of father will he be?”
My friend didn’t chose her Dad. She had no say in the relationship she was going to have with him. She was innocently born into this family and had no power to change the way she was raised. But her mother did have a choice. Her mother made the decision to marry him. Years ago, when they were merely dating, she ignored the fact that he could be cold at times. She disregarded his moody and abrasive personality. My friend’s mom was in love and wanted to get married. Even if he wasn’t exactly perfect, her mom thought she was strong enough to deal with her Dad’s long list of shortcomings.
But never did she think about how her daughter would handle them.
What are the repercussions?
Studies show that children, especially girls, are greatly effected by their relationship with their father. An active, involved Dad, one who provides a loving and supportive environment, will breed well adjusted, happy children. A detached, antagonistic Dad, can breed just the opposite. Children can grow up to be angry, distrusting, excessively insecure and wildly promiscuous.
Maybe you are dating someone right now that has a bad temper. Or maybe he flakes on you whenever you really need him. Maybe he’s too cocky to show his feelings. Or maybe he just makes you feel inadequate, unimportant and sad. Maybe you are actually considering marrying this man. Before you do, think about this: If he makes you, a grown woman feel this way, how do you think he will make your five-year-old feel?
Who you marry is your choice. Just remember that your kids will reap the benefits or suffer the consequences based on that decision. So Chose wisely.
If you are uncertain about the guy in your life, Continue reading
I’m a big fan of your book. I finally understand what I’ve been doing wrong with men. I fully intend to practice what you preach, but here is the issue: I’m currently involved with someone right now and I’ve already made all the mistakes you talk about. I didn’t fill my funnel, and told him after only two weeks that I wasn’t dating anyone else. I also may have slept with him…oops. Now I feel like he has the total upper hand and I don’t know what to do. I want him to commit, but I also want to feel like we are on equal ground. How do I accomplish this? Is it too late to follow your strategies? Do I have to start all over with a different guy, or can we turn this around?
Thanks for all your advice!
Your question is probably the most popular one I get from readers. It’s difficult to stay the course when emotions are high and the guy is cute. Everyone falters from time to time. One minute you are strong and level headed, the next you are making out in a restaurant bathroom with your Match date. We all have what I call those “Oops moments”. The good news is, that you can recover from your mistakes. It really just depends on how big they are.
In your case, the mistakes are rather consequential. You didn’t just embarrass yourself by drinking too much (usually an easy recovery if played right), you’ve committed a mortal dating sin. Not only did you tell this guy how much you like him, you confirmed it by doing the deed before having “the talk.” He knows he’s got you now. He doesn’t have to win you over to get you to like him, or to sleep with him. To him, you are just a text message away.
Jill, you have put yourself in the most vulnerable of positions. You have two choices. Choice A: You just keep doing what you doing. You answer when he calls, see him when he asks, and hook up when he pleases. Eventually you will become a girlfriend of convenience, and you will be doing a whole lot of waiting and wondering while he hardly gives you a second thought. Or, Choice B: You make changes right now. First change, immediately stop having sex with him. Tell him that you made a mistake because you felt like you knew him, but now realize that you were a bit too hasty. Then, and this is really important, you have to regain your independence, realize you don’t care if this relationship works out, and decide to take some time to self-reflect. And if you can’t do that, fake it. Don’t answer his texts right away, tell him you need a little time to think and that you will give him a call next week. You need to put some distance between yourself and the situation at hand. This is one instance where “talking it over” is not going to go over as well as, “letting it air out.”
This guy thinks he has you at his disposal. And in many ways, he’s right. But it is time to change this ship’s course. I know this is easier said then done, but if you don’t, you will automatically revert to Choice A, and we know where that will lead you.
Once the week is over, you want to act as if you are back to the beginning. Continue reading
My husband and I were out to dinner with some friends the other night and one of them started talking about her relationship with her boyfriend. She had been frustrated over the last several weeks because of his inflexible attitude. We all listened and gave her the usual, polite excuses for his behavior (after all you can’t tell someone the harsh truth with seven other people sitting there.) But after dinner my husband shook his head and said to me, “I feel really bad for her. It’s obvious that he’s only with her out of convenience.”I thought it was interesting to have the male perspective on this. So I asked him. What’s the number one sign that a guy is only with a girl because it’s convenient? His answer? I’m going to paraphrase because it was late and I was full of spicy tuna rolls, but it went something like, “when a guy gets annoyed at the drop of a hat by anything his girlfriend says or does, that’s a big sign of a relationship of convenience.” So for example, you are running late from work and you call your boyfriend to ask him to take the chicken out of the fridge and pre-heat the oven for you, and he gets annoyed and tells you that he’s about to go to the gym and can’t be bothered. Or, you have told him that your cousin wants to have you two over one night, and when you bring it up for the third time he says something like, “I don’t know when I can do it! Why do you have to keep asking me every five minutes??”
If your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or partner has a very short fuse and you hesitate to ask them for anything, you may be in a relationship of convenience. If it’s not convenient for them to get off their butt and pre-heat the oven, or it’s not convenient for them to sacrifice a night at your cousins, how can you argue his intentions? My husband spoke from his own experience and said, “I’ve been there. When I’m mentally done with a relationship, but haven’t told the girl yet, it’s exactly the way I act. It’s not cool, but sometimes the guy doesn’t even realize the reason why he’s doing it. Often in these situations, the guy ends up pushing the girl to end the relationship. He’s such an inflexible jerk, she has no choice.” Continue reading
Yesterday I was asked to weigh in on a recent news story. A woman in Florida, having found out her ex had been cheating on her, decided to sell his clothes on Ebay. Ok, that sounds vindictive enough right? Well, she didn’t think so. To really stick it to her former flame of five years, she decided she should model his clothes and show a little (or a lot) of her own skin in the process. He always hated when she would dress sexy, and now she is vamping it up for him and everyone else on Ebay to see.
Check out the story here. Girl Gets Sexy to Get Revenge.
Turns out her boyfriend is furious. But I’m not so sure what he is more upset about; her scantily clad body, or those designer jeans being auctioned off for a penny. This guy had quite the wardrobe and he may just be the type to cry more over lost footwear than girlfriends. After all he was caught red handed leaving the club with another girl, so wouldn’t that tell you he’s probably already moved on in his head?
If a guy is dumb enough to cheat on you, you shouldn’t waste your time on any plot for revenge, especially if it comes at the cost of your own self-respect. If he was a good guy and cared deeply about you, he wouldn’t have been unfaithful in the first place. So attempting to make him mad or jealous may be a lost cause. Revenge only fuels the hate fire within you, but leaves him basically unscathed. In this case, the best revenge is showing him you have moved on and are just fine. It may not be as fun, or feel as good, but happiness is always the best revenge. Not nakedness.
In 1997, I was a Sophomore in college. My roommate transferred to VCU half way through the year and I was left living alone in the dorm. At that time, I had just started to take an interest in a well-known, well-liked soccer player named Chris. I had met him at a party and he had asked for my number. Three days later, he still hadn’t called and I remember wondering if he ever would.
I recall coming home one night that week around eleven. I had been studying with some friends in the University center. When I walked in the door I noticed the blinking light on my answering machine, indicating I had a new message. Oh, how that light made me light up. I hit the play button and eagerly waited to hear who the message was from. It was Chris. The time stamp was 4:18 pm. He was calling to say hello and asking to get together that weekend. He laughed and admitted that he had called me the day before but didn’t leave a message. He left his number and said he hoped to hear from me soon. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and Chris’s number on my cork board.
When I called Chris back the next day he was very happy to hear from me. He said he was worried that I had forgotten all about him. We got together for dinner and a movie that weekend. And that weekend turned into the next weekend, and the next weekend, and you get the picture We dated for a while and even though we parted ways after school it was a good relationship rooted in deep friendship and mutual respect.
If I was in college now this story would have probably played out very differently. Let’s go back to that voice mail.
As I said before, I waited three days for Chris to call. He did call on the second day — but I didn’t know about it. Today, that would never happen. His number would have popped up on my caller ID (if I even had a landline) or it would have been tracked on my trusty iphone. Secondly, if Chris had left a message today at 4pm, I wouldn’t have had to wait until I walked through the door at 11pm to hear it. If he left it at 4:18. I heard it at 4:19. That’s the beauty of cellular phones. No more waiting. No more wondering.
I have wrote you before… but this is kind of exciting news… I used the SEE technique that you described in your book tonight and the back up tight end from the Pittsburgh Steelers, Matt Spaeth came up and danced with me after using it…. your book has been very inspirational!
I hope you had a fabulous holiday season and the new year brings you happiness and everything you wish for! Take Care!
That is a great story. Thanks for sharing. Most girls don’t realize how easy it is to get a guy to approach you. Most women go out to a bar with their friends, huddle together, laughing and chatting. They want to meet men, but they think that they don’t and shouldn’t have to do anything to make that happen. Men will not cross a room and risk rejection without a “buying sign” from you. So if you think that you can just put yourself into a social setting, and men will flock to you, I’m telling you now, that you are just flat out wrong. You have to do something. The easiest thing to do is the SEE factor. It stands for Smile, Eye contact, Energy. When you see a guy you may like to meet, smile at him, look him in the eye for a good two seconds, and exude a good positive energy. Do not play aloof, and pretend not to notice him in attempt to play hard to get. Men, if you are reading this, please help me help women meet you. Back me up on this one.
Jess Continue reading
OMG. I’m engaged. I know people get engaged everyday but for me this is truly extraordinary. I know I probably shouldn’t sound so shocked, in fact, some of you may even wonder how I can so confidently advise other women on how to find and keep a man if I didn’t think I was going to do it myself – but let me explain. I was never that girl growing up that dreamed about her wedding day. I never draped a pillow case over the back of my head and paraded around the living room pretending to be a bride. My approach to love has always been more… realistic. Which in some ways is good. It led me to the discovery that sales techniques could be applied to dating, which both empowered me and allowed me to have healthy, positive relationships. It led to writing my book, “You Lost Him at Hello” and that, of course, led to a satisfying career as a dating coach. Those are the positives. The negatives would be that I realized that I was a stubborn, critical, and abnormally picky person. I realized that relationships, no matter how symbiotic, are going to always include compromise. Most importantly, I realized “’til death do us part” is a long, long commitment to make. The truth is, I was very comfortable telling everyone else how to get married, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it myself…
I remember every moment about the night I first met Erik. I remember talking to him for all of thirty seconds when this light bulb went off in my head. There is something about this guy, I thought. After knowing him only a week, I texted my best friend in San Diego and told her, “I think I just found my future husband.”
You know how most women say, ‘My husband is nothing like who I thought I would marry.’ Well, it’s completely eerie to say this, but Erik is exactly who I had been looking for my whole life. It’s as though I concocted him in my head and God said, “Here you go!” I told myself many years ago that I would roll solo through life rather than settle, and quite frankly when I hit thirty, I thought that would be my path. But in January of 2008 I took some advice that changed that plan.
How I found the love of my life Continue reading
Callie’s first date with Mark was awesome. He had taken her to a Wizards game, where they had floor seats. Afterward, they grabbed a late dinner at Proof, where Mark impressed her with his vast knowledge of Italian wine. They split a dessert, each had a cappuccino, and discussed their favorite books and movies. When the evening was over, Mark drove Callie home and lingered at the door hoping for an invitation inside.
“Do you want to come in for a bit?” Callie asked.
“Only if you aren’t tired,” Mark said.
Callie smiled and stepped into the house. She looked back to see Mark still standing there.
“I’m not tired at all, actually,” she said flopping down on her couch.
Mark walked through the door and closed it behind him.
The next morning Mark woke up to find Callie in the kitchen. After an awkward goodbye, he headed back to his car to get moving on his day. He promised Callie he’d call her later that evening, but he already had plans with the guys. I will call her later this week, he thought.
Meanwhile Callie was already on the phone with her best friend, retelling the nights’ events.
“You slept with him?!” Her friend gasped.
“I know, I was bad. I shouldn’t have. But we had such amazing chemistry.” Callie explained. “He’s going to call me later tonight. Maybe we will go to a movie.”
Of course Mark never called. Callie sat home for a while but then forced herself to meet up with her friends at a bar down the street. She lamented to them that she hadn’t heard from Mark and began to think she had done something wrong.
“I don’t think I thanked him for dinner!” She exclaimed quickly breaking out her iphone. “I’m going to text him and say thanks again for the wonderful night.” Before her friends could interject, she had already sent the message.
Mark texted back on Sunday night telling her he was exhausted from the weekend and maybe they would catch up that weekend. Callie was completely thrown off by this comment. Maybe? What does maybe mean? Her friends told her to play cool and just wait to hear from him again. She did, and he called. They decided to meet up for a drink around nine that evening. Everything went well just as it did on their last date. Callie felt silly for stressing out. Clearly Mark liked her, all the signs were there. They stayed out until the bar closed at 2pm. As they walked out the door, Mark grabbed her and kissed her.
“Come back to my place?” He asked.
“Okay.” She said.
You can guess what happened next. After they had sex for the second time they didn’t talk for almost a week. Callie was going nuts this go round. Why wasn’t he calling and asking to see her? Was there someone else in the picture? She hadn’t done anything wrong. They had amazing chemistry. Why would he seem so interested one minute, but then not contact her the next?
She decided to do a little investigating on the Internet. She had already friended Mark so she could see everything he was doing. He had a few pics posted with the same girl, but she couldn’t be sure if they were together. She felt helpless and depressed. What could she do? She was wrought with anxiety. She picked up her phone and decided to text him, only to say hi. She would feel better just hearing back from him. Unfortunately he didn’t respond.
That week was torture for Callie. Finally on Friday night, Mark texted her. She was so upset that he waited so long that she called him instead of texting back. When Mark answered the phone, he was his usually jovial self.
“Hey you!” He said.
“Where have you been lately?” Callie asked as if she were neglected mother who’s son hadn’t called home in awhile.
“Just around. Why?” He asked.
“I haven’t heard from you and I thought I would. I’m not sure what to think really because we had such a good time on our dates. I guess I thought you would want to see me more.”
The silence on the line indicated how uncomfortable Mark was at that moment.
“I do like you, I just don’t really think I want a serious relationship right now. I thought we were having a good time.”
At that point, Callie should have hung up the phone and walked away. Continue reading