You can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?
1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better. If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.
2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that. Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t. This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart. The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing. The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.
3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have. You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.
If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.
Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net Continue reading
But to meet the man of your dreams, the guy you’ve been waiting for your whole life, you need to think with more than just your heart. You need the secret strategies of a smart dating coach.
Out today on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere, You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to “I Do”: Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, has been the book to help single woman across the globe find and meet the love of their lives. Now this popular and proven guide has been revised and expanded with success stories and new techniques to help you find the guy that’s right for you – but more importantly to help you keep him once you do.
It was only a few years ago that I was a desperately seeking single myself. I didn’t understand why men never approached me, or why a first date didn’t result in a second. In college I had a bevvy of bad relationships that all left me sad and confused, prompting the question that most women ask themselves at some point in their lives: What’s wrong with me?
Lucky for me, just when all hope seemed lost, a revelation occurred and everything changed. I discovered a formula for dating that showed me how to better handle the tricky get-to-know-you phase and guided me towards commitment. Dates turned into relationships, and boys turned into boyfriends. In the past I used to agonize over every move I made. What should I say? When should I call? How should I act? With my new found strategy, however, I gained the confidence to take control of my relationships, and trust that if I stayed the course, it would lead me to a happy ending…
And it did.
If you are ready for a change in your love life, I can help you. Over the last several years I have studied and perfected a strategy that has helped guide women through the dating process and deliver them safely on the other side. The strategy will not only help you date smarter and find love faster, it will also protect you from making common mistakes that could easily sabotage your chances for a solid relationship. In You Lost Him at Hello you will find techniques that will help you:
* Find men and have them approach you (yes, there is a way!)
* Learn to read his signs of interest so you know if and when you should make a move
* End your date at the “Height of Impulse” so he will want to see you again
* How to actually “be yourself” around him – even though you are nervous!
* The number one technique that most women don’t do that will lead you to love this year
Stop making the same mistakes over and over again and start getting results. You Lost Him at Hello is every single girls secret weapon.
Jess McCann is also the author of the books, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas (Globe Pequot, January 2013). She is an international dating and relationship coach who works with men and women all over the world, teaching them how to rid themselves of long standing habits that prevent them from finding love, and shows them how to move forward. To learn more about the coaching process, visit her here.
To continue reading advice blogs, click here.
I remember in high school the very distinct feeling that I would never understand men. The boys I had dated long-term in both high school and college sent me such conflicting messages that I truly believed men simply didn’t have emotions. Not like women did, anyway. After all, how can you tell someone you love them one day, and then blow them off to party with your friends the next? It seemed I was always waiting to hear how the guy felt, what he thought, and where he deemed our relationship was going. Everything was on the guys terms because I cared too much and wanted to work through anything, while they took their time mulling over the pros and cons of being with me. It was frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. I remember thinking, how in the world can I sustain a relationship with any man if they aren’t as emotionally invested as I am?!
Luckily, after I graduated college, I met and dated a boy that showed me that not all men are cut from the same cloth. He was sweet, fun, and the first real relationship I had ever had. And thanks to him, my previous philosophy on men being void of emotion completely changed. I realized there would be men in the world that would match my emotional investment, and I learned a few very key insights that helped me continue through the dating world, and end up happily married to my wonderful husband today. Had my mentality not changed on this, I might still be dating in circles right now.
Here is what I want to pass on to women who feel as I did back then.
1. Men need reassurance. I realize now, looking back, that I never really gave any love to my high school old boyfriend. I was brought up that men needed to treat me with respect. I was told they were lucky to be with me, and that I needed to keep them in pursuit. In essence, I just had to “be” in the relationship to make the guy happy and my job ended there. My poor BF brought me flowers, wrote me love notes, and met me after every class. What did I do for him? Complained if he had to stay late at practice, or decided to eat lunch with his friends one day out of the week. Sadly, it didn’t dawn on me until later in life that my job wasn’t to just receive love from a guy, it was to give love to him, too. And that included positive affirmations of my feelings – which I never gave anyone because it was drilled into my head that I was to keep them in hot pursuit at all times. But at some point, the chase has to end for the relationship to really begin.
2. Not all men are created equal. Yes, there are guys out there that are jerks, players, or narcissists, and they do not know how to be in a relationship with anyone. But there are also men that are kind, loving, supportive, yet still strong and masculine. I went into a lot of my younger relationships expecting to be let down and hurt because that is what the guy before and the guy before did. However, assuming this made me defensive and suspicious. In other words, a real joy to be around! I spent a lot of time overreacting to certain situations that warranted no reaction at all because I just assumed all men were the same. If one had wronged me in the past, it was only a matter of time that the current one would too. Letting go of Continue reading
My friend Megan called me last night completely confused. She recently met a guy online and was starting to really like him. “He’s cute, smart, and very witty,” Megan said to me. “The only problem is, I can’t tell if he likes me, or if he’s just looking for a hook-up.” Of course I was intrigued, and I asked her what made her think that he was trying to get into her pants verses her heart? She thought for a second and said, “The dates we go on seem to be going downhill. First date was a nice restaurant. Second date was drinks at a bar. Third date he just asked me to come over and hang out at his house. What do you think? Is it in my head, or is he just out for one thing?”
Good question. And with just that information, it would certainly seem so. But let’s not jump to conclusions here. Yes, there are some guys out there that are not interested in getting serious. They want to play the field, and have sex with anything they find aesthetically stimulating. However, there are also men out there that do want to find a good girl to hunker down with. So the question is, how do you know which guys are which? How can you spot out the guys who are just out to score and split?
1. He doesn’t try to impress you. Most guys want to make a good impression with someone they like. They try very hard to please a girl, especially in the beginning. But if he doesn’t seem to be making much of an effort there could be a good reason why. Vanessa was dating a guy that called her everyday. He seemed to want to get to know her since he was making such frequent contact. But when they were together he didn’t pay much attention to her. “He would have me come over and sit on the couch while he watched football. Or he’d invite me out with his friends but spent more time with them than with me. It became very obvious that the only time I got attention was when he wanted to make out.”
Don’t get confused if he is extra attentive over the phone, and not so much in person. It takes no time or effort to send a quick text. The real test is how he acts when he’s around you.
2. He doesn’t go the extra mile. It’s the little things that make all the difference. Does he open your car door, hang up your coat, or take you out for ice cream when you’ve had a tough day? For Rachel the answer was not so much. She was dating a guy that wouldn’t go an extra inch, forget about a mile. “He would always make me go meet him whenever we went out. He never picked me up at my house. I had to drive to see him or else we weren’t getting together.”
Be wary when you feel like you are doing all the work in the relationship. It’s a give and a take, yes, but in the beginning a guy will bend over backwards to win over a woman he cares for.
3. There is no mental connection. He wants to get to know you in the biblical sense, but how about just getting to know you period? Does he ask you about yourself? Your friends? Your career? A man that wants to settle down will ask you about yourself to see if you are the kind of woman he wants to be with. He’s fishing to see if there is a future. But if the relationship never gets into serious discussions it’s because he has no serious plans for it. My client, Brynn was dating a man that talked about himself incessantly. He was so self-absorbed that she eventually realized he would never love her more than he loved himself.
4. He is pressuring. Does he tell you that sex is really important to a relationship? Does he make you feel bad for holding out? Does he make it seem like he can only open up emotionally if you open up physically? If that is the case, run for the hills. This guy is just out to get some nookie. Don’t let him manipulate you. Sex is important to a relationship yes, but are you even in a relationship yet? Or have you only been dating for five weeks? Truth be told, a good guy will wait forever for the right girl. A selfish guy, however, will wait for no one.
If you really like the guy you are hooking up with, and want to find out how to get him to take you seriously, you must do one very important thing – stop hooking up with him. He won’t give you more if you don’t require more. There is a way to let him know that you like him, but aren’t going to keep casually hooking-up with him until you have decided where the relationship is going. It’s a tricky conversation to have but it’s all laid out in my new book, “Was It Something I Said? : the answers to all your dating dilemma’s.” Check out an excerpt from the book right here!
In this Question and Answer book you will find all the best advice for handling every romantic situation. We cover it all – from hooking up, texting back, and moving forward to a lasting commitment. If you have ever been stuck searching for the right words to say, this book will give you word-for-word instruction on how to tackle the most troubling scenarios. How do you bring up the “Relationship Talk”? How do you ask him if he’s seeing other girls? What do you say if you like him but don’t want to go all the way? You will never again be at a loss for words. Any question you may have is answered right here!
Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:
The dating book that has helped single women across the globe!
Last week the full moon was in full swing. I received five emails from women, all with the EXACT same relationship problem. It wasn’t an uncommon problem at all, in fact, their issue was one that I see repeatedly in new budding relationships. But for five different women, in five different locations in the U.S., ranging in ages from 19-40, all to have the same woe in the same week, said one thing loud and clear: Save other women from making this mistake, because make it they will.
In a nutshell here is what their email said:
Dear Jess, I have a problem with anxiety when it comes to men. I have always had this problem, but recently it’s been getting worse. I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks now and we just recently had sex. Ever since we did it, I’ve been worried he’s going to lose interest in me. I’m checking my phone constantly to see if he’s called and if he doesn’t text for a few hours, I start to freak out. I think I’m going to drive him away but I don’t know how to get my crazy mind under control. Help!
You may have heard before that having sex too soon with a guy is not a good idea, but what you may not know is that the worry and anxiety you have afterwards is actually a BIGGER problem than the actual sex. Yes, doing the deed in the first few weeks can put your relationship in jeopardy, but the worry will without a doubt, spread like terminal cancer causing it inevitable death. This is because anxiety will lead you to make all decisions out of fear instead of from your heart and your true self – That alone will give off a desperate vibe and cause you to behave in a way that is unauthentic. This is what typically ends up chasing men away more than anything else. Guys can sometimes overlook having sex a bit too soon under certain circumstances, but they can never fall in love with the panic-striken girl that has taken your place.
So, if you are in a situation where you’ve slept with a guy once and are now completely paranoid about losing him, here are a few things you can do:
1. Do not sleep with him again. If he tries to sex with you again, tell him you aren’t sorry you did it the first time because it was great in the moment, but you feel it was a little too soon and need more time to get to know him. Explain that sex is not something you take lightly and therefore, you want to be sure the relationship is solid before going any further physically.
2. Don’t make this a game of “get him to like me.” You have to be able to distinguish the difference between your ego wanting this guy to like you so you don’t feel rejected after giving up your goods, and the real you finding a good match. Your ego doesn’t care if this man is right for you or not, but it will hunger for his attention simply because you slept with him. This often makes women THINK they are in love. The truth is if you have only been dating someone for a few weeks, you still have a lot of getting-to-know-you to do. How can you be sure that he has all the qualities you want in a man? You cannot determine his character in three weeks. So instead of solely thinking about how you are going to get him to stay interested (which is your ego talking), focus on really learning about him and who he is. Pay attention to how he treats others, his family and friends. Get to know him on a deeper level so you can really see if he is right for you.
3. Going forward, use the Mirror theory. Whatever actions or behavior he displays, mirror them back. If he is slow to text you, be slow to respond. If he is keeps his emails short and to the point, you do the same. If you feel him distancing himself, you distance yourself. This is so that the relationship remains balanced. Even if you are dying to text him because he has disappeared for two days, do not do it. Recognize that your ego is the one driving your emotions in that moment and you would be contacting him purely out of fear he has lost interest. And again, decisions made out of fear always end up being poor ones.
Lastly, and most importantly Continue reading
When should I text him back? Does he like me or is he just looking for a hook-up? How do I bring up the “relationship talk?” If you are a single gal in today’s dating world, you have undoubtedly searched for answers to these questions as well as hundreds of others. In the past you may have asked family and friends for their two cents on how to handle a guy, however these days you probably go straight to the number one source for all information – Google. Yes, unbeknown to even your closest confidants, you have been asking Google for help with your relationship. Why not? It’s so simple. You just type into the search bar, How do I find a boyfriend? and poof! Thirty billion answers await you! Wait. Thirty billion is a lot of answers.
You’ve posed a simple question, but you have not gotten the simple response you were looking for. Instead you find yourself sorting and skimming dozens of blogs, articles, and videos all to figure out how to respond to his ambiguous text message. You just want the answer to your specific question. Why is that so difficult?!? (Insert cry of frustration.)
I have very good news for you. You can now get the specific advice you need without having to read pages and pages of unrelated or irrelevant information. You can get your dating advice, a la carte! Similar to how itunes saved you from having to buy a whole album to get those 2-3 songs that you love, I’ve compiled the most popular dating and relationship questions and put all the answers in one place. My new book, Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas is different from all other relationship books because it uses Question & Answer format so that you can easily find the advice you are looking for. The Table of Contents is laid out just like an Index; every question listed with a page number.
Here is a sample of some of the questions in the Table of Contents:
When should I text him?
How do I get him to stop texting and start calling?
Can I turn my one-night stand into a relationship?
How do I tell him I’m not ready for sex? Will he lose interest if I don’t have sex with him?
Can I add him as a friend on Facebook?
How do I strike up a conversation with him?
Can I ask about his past relationships? How do I bring that up?
How do I get my hook-up to take me on a real date?
Why did he suddenly become distant? What do I do now?
How should I react when he cancels on me?
The best part about this Q&A book is that you will get specific advice on how to approach each scenario. In many instances, I give you the actual wording needed so you can have smooth conversations with your guy and achieve the best possible outcome for yourself and your relationship. So many women struggle to find the best way to say something, but now you can get all the tools you need to handle love’s challenges, big or small![caption id="attachment_1685" align="alignleft" width="145"] Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann[/caption]
And for those who asked How do I find a boyfriend, be sure to look out for the NEW REVISED and EXPANDED EDITION of You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to I Do – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, out in February 2013.
After months and months of filling your funnel, you think you’ve found a guy you really like. He’s smart and funny, sensitive and sweet, with just a dash of edge and spontaneity. You’ve been seeing each other for roughly three months and feel like you are both pretty into each other. Only thing is, you haven’t had “The Talk” yet. Does he consider you to be exclusive? Are you still dating other people? Can you start introducing him as your boyfriend? These questions can all be answered with one little conversation. But how do you bring it up? Before you cross the Rubicon and have this discussion, you must think this through. Once you have the talk, there is no going back. Say too much too soon and you could scare the guy off or tip your hand. But if you wait too long you could lose your sanity, or worse, waste your time on a guy that never had long term intentions. So what’s a girl to do?
The best way to have the relationship talk is to make the guy bring it up first. So how do you make him start yapping?
Rule No. 1 : Whenever you are trying to get someone to do what you want, always negotiate from a position of strength. In this case, you want this guy to be your boyfriend, right? You want him to stop seeing other girls and make you his one and only. Great. What kind of bargaining power do you have that will make him want to do this? What will he get in return that he is not getting now?
When my friend Cara started seeing her boyfriend, Justin, she refused to spend the night at his house. They would hang out, watch movies, eat dinner, and fool around, but never did she put on her PJ’s and climb into bed with him. He hated that she always went home and eventually asked her what he needed to do to get her to stay. That’s when they started having the talk. Because her boyfriend wanted her to spend the night, Cara was able to negotiate from a position of strength.
Now, let’s say you’ve already blown that. You’ve not only been spending the night, but you’ve been having sex with the guy too. You are now in a position of weakness because you want the guy to give you girlfriend status, but you have nothing that he wants from you (because he’s already getting it!) Continue reading
You’ve been out with him several times. Seven dates to be exact. He texts a lot, but hardly calls. You see him on weekends but not both nights. He’s good about being consistent, but there have been a few times when he’s dropped off the earth. You like him, he seems to like you, but the relationship just doesn’t seem to want to take off. You feel like you are in a constant state of limbo. Your friends have their theories. He’s taking things slow. He’s just shy. You are expecting too much! But none of those hypotheses really resonate with you. How long can you really keep going this way? It’s starting to drive you mad. Should you get ready to hunker down for a nice long relationship, or renew your Match.com subscription? What’s it going to be!!
Ever felt this way? Most women do. It’s frustrating when you don’t know where you stand. Some guys are just tough to read. Their intentions aren’t clear, or you like them so much that you just can’t be objective. Or maybe he’s saying all the right things, but his action prove the contrary. In cases like this there is only one solution. I know I’ve said it before and I will say it again. The best indicator of the future is in the past. If you want to know where this is going, you need to find out where he’s been.
My friend Petra had been dating a guy for two months. She felt like she was on the cusp of getting a serious commitment. She was seeing the guy twice a week and felt like it was about time to bump it up to three times. Then another month passed without any change in frequency. She was stumped. Why didn’t he want to see her more? Why was he keeping her at bay? So she decided to dig into his past a bit for answers.
One night, while out at dinner, she inquired about his past relationships. In a very casual way she asked, “How many serious relationships have you been in?” To her shock, her date who was thirty-three years old said, “Only one.” Petra sat there stunned and then asked, “Well, how long did that last?” She thought, maybe he was with the same girl for ten years and in that case, I know he can commit. But she didn’t get that answer. The answer she got stunned her further. “About six months.” He said. Petra was more than confused. Nothing made sense. He was thirty-three years old and only had one relationship lasting six months? Needless to say, it was a bit abnormal. Knowing this about him was disheartening on one hand, but comforting on the other. Well, it’s not me, she thought. Obviously her guy had problems settling down which was his problem, not hers.
Of course her date made his argument. He’s just never met anyone that made him want to commit. But when she really dug into his past she realized quickly that time and time again he always put his career aspirations and hunger for power and money before anything else… including his own family.
“His mother died while he was on a ski trip with business associates. Instead of leaving immediately for the funeral, he stayed through the week as planned and just sent flowers. I thought that was super cold.”
If that doesn’t tell you what kind of man he is, I don’t know what will.
Sometimes we hear things that are fishy, like not attending the funeral of your own mother, and even though it strikes us as odd, we ignore it. We think to ourselves, well that doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with this man. That is where most women go wrong. It has everything to do with your relationship. It tells you what kind of person he is. It tells you about his character. It tells you what you have to look forward to.
I remember dating a guy many years ago that I thought had some potential. He was cute, nice and pretty smart. Then one day I asked him about his past relationships and he told me that his ex girlfriend cheated on him over and over again throughout the two years they were dating. When I asked him why he didn’t end it he said he believed she would change. That raised a big red flag in my mind. This guy didn’t have the confidence to stand up to his cheating girlfriend? Was he that much of a doormat? Did he not respect himself enough to find someone that treated him with respect? After that night I began to see him in a different light. Today, I’m married to someone else! Someone who would never tolerate cheating – from others or from himself.
If you are dating someone, make sure you probe into their past. It will tell you a great deal about their future. Sure, some people grow up and reform themselves, but you have to ask the right questions to find out if that is the case. Don’t shrug off stories that make you question him. Don’t ignore the red flags. Don’t try to validate why he did something you would normally find unacceptable. This is the best way to find out who someone truly is. Instead of listening to your heart, listen to him. Continue reading
I want to share a story with you all. One that may strike close to home. It’s about a girl named, Claire, who was pretty, smart, wildly successful, but could not seem to find a boyfriend. Her friends and family couldn’t understand it. They would say to her, “Claire, you are the total package. Why can’t you find a boyfriend?” Claire didn’t get it herself. She would go out with her friends, looking for guys, but for some reason, they never approached her. Finally after years prospecting and having no luck, she turned to the internet. She joined a dating … Continue reading
My husband and I were out to dinner with some friends the other night and one of them started talking about her relationship with her boyfriend. She had been frustrated over the last several weeks because of his inflexible attitude. We all listened and gave her the usual, polite excuses for his behavior (after all you can’t tell someone the harsh truth with seven other people sitting there.) But after dinner my husband shook his head and said to me, “I feel really bad for her. It’s obvious that he’s only with her out of convenience.”I thought it was interesting to have the male perspective on this. So I asked him. What’s the number one sign that a guy is only with a girl because it’s convenient? His answer? I’m going to paraphrase because it was late and I was full of spicy tuna rolls, but it went something like, “when a guy gets annoyed at the drop of a hat by anything his girlfriend says or does, that’s a big sign of a relationship of convenience.” So for example, you are running late from work and you call your boyfriend to ask him to take the chicken out of the fridge and pre-heat the oven for you, and he gets annoyed and tells you that he’s about to go to the gym and can’t be bothered. Or, you have told him that your cousin wants to have you two over one night, and when you bring it up for the third time he says something like, “I don’t know when I can do it! Why do you have to keep asking me every five minutes??”
If your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or partner has a very short fuse and you hesitate to ask them for anything, you may be in a relationship of convenience. If it’s not convenient for them to get off their butt and pre-heat the oven, or it’s not convenient for them to sacrifice a night at your cousins, how can you argue his intentions? My husband spoke from his own experience and said, “I’ve been there. When I’m mentally done with a relationship, but haven’t told the girl yet, it’s exactly the way I act. It’s not cool, but sometimes the guy doesn’t even realize the reason why he’s doing it. Often in these situations, the guy ends up pushing the girl to end the relationship. He’s such an inflexible jerk, she has no choice.” Continue reading