So there is this guy who I’ve known since high school. We got reconnected after we graduated college and he asked me on several dates and we had a great time. We’ve hung out frequently for several weeks. I made one big mistake and want your advice on damage control if possible. I really do like him and would hate for it to have to end. So one night I decided to have a party at my place; something I haven’t done in a while and invited lots of friends over including the guy I like. He was out with his friends and said he was going to try and come. A few hours into the party, I got very drunk and overloaded his phone with calls and texts asking when he was coming. I haven’t heard from him since. I haven’t tried reaching out to him for fear of it being too soon and making it worse but also I don’t even know what to say. Please help I really wanna try and get him to see it was a genuine drunken mistake and to try and look past it.
What do I do
Have you ever heard the saying, In Vino Veritas? It means, in wine there is truth. So even though you see this as just a drunken mistake, it’s likely that this guy sees this as a character revealing incident. Meaning, he now thinks that being with you, in a relationship, will mean lots of nagging texts and questions about his whereabouts, and possibly nagging about other things like his clothes, choice of friends, career path, etc, etc,. This is much more than just an “oops” on your part, and getting back in his good graces might be very tough now. The best thing you can do is call him and tell him that you are extremely embarrassed at the way you’ve behaved and that you normally don’t drink that much (and then NEVER drink that much again!) Ask if you can take him to lunch for being so obnoxious. Hopefully he will say yes, and you can begin to rebuild what you had. But beware, it’s really hard to undo this type of damage because the number one thing that a man doesn’t want in a relationship is a naggy, needy girlfriend. You’ve basically showed him that you have that side so he’s likely scared to get any further involved with you. Drinking and texting is extremely dangerous so next time, leave your phone out of reach. And if you ever feel the urge again to blow up a guy’s phone, make sure you call one of your girlfriends instead. Think of her like your AA sponsor!
My parting advice: don’t let your “wants” rule you. If he doesn’t do what you want him to do, accept it. Don’t push and try to get your way because you want him to be your boyfriend. That’s what got you where you are now. If you can learn to be accepting of the men and situations in your life, you’ll notice that things get a bit easier and you suffer less heartbreak. Continue reading
The blog post below an excerpt from my new Q&A scenario book, “Was it Something I Said?”
Dear Jess, I ruined my chances with a great guy! We dated for three
months, and I did everything wrong. I told him I loved him in the first few weeks, slept with him way too soon, and basically acted too needy throughout the entire relationship. When he broke up with me, he told me he just wasn’t ready to commit, but I know it’s because of all the mistakes I made. I know what I need to do better now, but I need him to give me a chance to prove it. Is there any way to talk him into taking me back?
As they say, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and in your situation this man has already dated you, learned who you are, and decided that you are not compatible. Changing his mind about you now is not going to be easy. However, if you feel strongly about him and want to try, I do have some advice on how to best go about it.
1. Stop all contact.
I know this seems completely opposite from what you are try-ing to accomplish, but, for now, it’s what needs to be done. The “needy, noncompatible you” is still fresh in this man’s head. Any time you reach out to him in an attempt to show him you’re different now won’t do any good. Three months of bad behavior cannot be erased with one pleasant phone call or dinner date. Reconciliation will take time. Get comfortable, because it isn’t going to happen by the weekend. A safe amount of time to wait would be half as long as the duration of your relationship. For example, if you dated for three months, you should not contact him for a month and a half.
Much like the song “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away,” your ex can’t miss you, or forget the way you were, if he continues to see you at the gym or bumps into you at the coffee shop in his office lobby. You must put time and distance between you. This means not only cutting contact directly (no texts, e-mails, phone calls), but also indirectly via Facebook, Twitter, or the occasional random run-in. He needs to wonder where you went, and he can- not do that if your status keeps popping up in his news feed.
Once you have let the recommended amount of time go by, you can then resurface. However, you should not contact your ex directly if possible. It would be better to casually connect again by running into each other randomly on purpose. The reason is that direct contact implies that you are not over the relationship and you are still attempting to make amends. And although that is the truth, your ex may be on guard if he feels that is the case. You want him to forget the past and see you in a whole new light. The reason he liked you in the first place was because