Janna, a thirty-eight year old magazine editor, hadn’t had a real boyfriend in years. She had a ton of men in her life though. Three former boyfriends, two friends with benefits, and one love of her life that was married to someone else. She spent time with all of them because, as she put it, she got a something out of each relationship. It’s just that none of them gave her everything.
Janna subscribed to the belief that until Mr. right guy came along, she could occupy herself with Mr. Great Sex and Mr. I Love You but I’m Married. The truth was, however, that the reason she couldn’t find that one great guy was because she was distracted with all the wrong ones.
Distractions cause problems
We all know that distracted driving causes accidents. It’s reported that 80% of all car crashes are due to some form of distracted driving. Maybe you have been one of the lucky ones that has avoided re-ending someone because you just had to send that very important text, but how many times have you missed your exit because you were yapping or tapping on your phone? Much in the same way you missed that turn off, you can also miss your chance at a real relationship by engaging in what I call, “Distracted Dating.”
We’ve all done it at some point -spent a little too much of our time with the wrong person. It can be fun and briefly fill a void within you, but continually hanging out with men who clearly can’t give you what you need long term is like investing in stock that you know will eventually plummet. It’s not worth it because you won’t yield a return, and it can prevent you from being emotionally and physically available to someone else…someone better.
Janna was frustrated because she never got approached by guys. She wasn’t a homebody, in fact she encountered men on a daily basis, but for whatever reason, no one asked her out. She was convinced that something about her appearance was turning men off, even though she was tall, thin and by industry standards, attractive. When I met her I explained the problem wasn’t with her appearance, it was with her persona. She had the right clothes, the right hair, and the right make-up. What she didn’t have was the right presence. She was so distracted in her head, thinking about all the “good-for-now guys”, that she missed opportunities to meet men that were right front of her. Because she looked distracted and unavailable, men that would see her and want to approach her, hesitated to do so. On days she should have gone out to prospect, she did what was easier and called one of her exes to keep her company. Janna needed to get rid of her funnel dwellers – the guys that lingered in her funnel, not doing anything but wasting time. Once she cleared out her funnel, and her mind, she was able to focus on the road ahead of her.
For more tips on landing a guy, read “You Lost Him at Hello”.
I want to share a story with you all. One that may strike close to home. It’s about a girl named, Claire, who was pretty, smart, wildly successful, but could not seem to find a boyfriend. Her friends and family couldn’t understand it. They would say to her, “Claire, you are the total package. Why can’t you find a boyfriend?” Claire didn’t get it herself. She would go out with her friends, looking for guys, but for some reason, they never approached her. Finally after years prospecting and having no luck, she turned to the internet. She joined a dating … Continue reading
You’ve probably heard by now about Heidi Montag’s ten hour body and facial renovation. If you haven’t, you can read about it in just about any tabloid mag. In November she underwent major plastic surgery. Ten hours under the knife to correct her chin, ears, eyebrows, already augmented breasts, and a variety of other alleged imperfections . All together she spent an estimated 30,000 dollars and to be honest, she looks the same to me.
Since this story broke it really made me think about women these days and how obsessed we can be when it comes to our appearance. In general, we pour a lot of money, time, and energy into our physique. When was the last time you’ve spent less than 3-4 hours and $200 at a hair salon? And you have to go every six to eight weeks or your hair starts to look unwashed. But that’s just the standard. What about those of us that spend thousands of dollars each year on designer clothes, shoes, and handbags? Or religiously schedule routine botox and collagen injections? In general the female population in America is really, really focused on looking good. I’m not judging or saying it’s a bad thing, I freak out myself if I have a bad hair day, but here is one thing I want all women to think about: while we are spending so much time and energy on the outside, what is happening to the inside? When do we put time and money into making the inside of us as beautiful and interesting? In the long run, your personality, sense of humor and intelligence is what makes or breaks you as a person. It is what will stay with you throughout the years. While your skin will sag, hair will thin, and metabolism will slow, the inside of you can be as attractive at 70 as it was at 30… if you let it.
Pretty faces are a dime a dozen in most towns. But what is rare is a woman with a wicked sense of humor. A girl that can beat you at pool. A lady that is as smart as she is sexy. I remember being in college and going to a party where someone had broken out a guitar. A few guys toyed around with it and tried playing a few songs when two girls walked by. One of them insisted the guys give her friend the guitar, saying she knew how to play. The friend shook her head and refused at first, but after some coaxing she sat down and began to play. To say she blew everyone away was an understatement. This girl could really play. The guys were awestruck. Suddenly this chick was the hottest girl in the room. She only played for five minutes but she was the belle of the ball for the next five hours.
If you are single and ready to settle down, the best piece of advice I can give you is to spend less time trying to compete physically with all the other women in the world, and focus on what makes you different on the inside. Any man that marries you based on your looks will only trade you for a younger model down the road. What will keep your relationship strong and solid is mutual respect. And although most guys can appreciate a nice rack, it’s not enough to sustain the long haul.
Next time you are headed to the mall because you need a new outfit, check out the Barnes & Noble instead of Dolce & Gabbana. Instead of spending an hour at Nail Love, spend that hour practicing piano. What sets you apart and makes you different is what makes you the most attractive. So in between a wax and a tan, make sure you also log some time into making yourself better on the inside. I guarantee it will pay off a lot more in the long run.