It’s baffled women across the globe. We have racked our brains, asked our friends, and even consulted a professional. But no matter what we do, it seems we will never truly know why that cute single guy we met last week, who asked for our number, and seemed so interested, never called.
Yes, I have the answer. I’m not kidding. I actually feel a little silly that it took this long to figure it out. Especially being that the it’s something that I’ve always known but never made the connection. So without further adieu, here it is. The reason behind the “Can I get your number and never call you.”
To understand this phenomenon, I want you to imagine you are Christmas shopping for a nice little gift for yourself. Yes, you have been good this year and you are allowing yourself one present. So you go to Nordstrom and you see these cute shoes that will go perfectly with your New Years Eve dress. You try them on and they look even better on your feet! You walk around testing them out. You love them. You are happy you have finally found your Christmas present. You look over at the line and see that it is out of control. Ugh. The holiday season. You ask the saleswoman to hold on to the shoes so you can shop around a bit more and wait for the line to die down.
You leave the store and head straight to Starbucks to grab a drink. You head into a few other stores. Nothing too exciting. You keep going. Finally an hour passes and you find yourself at the opposite end of the mall. Your feet hurt from all the walking. Your caffeine has worn off and you sit down on one of the couches outside Urban Outfitters. The mall is going to close in thirty minutes. Should you walk all the way back to Nordstrom to get your shoes? It seems miles away now. Your car is right outside the door. You don’t want to walk all the way back to Nordstorm and then all the back to your car here. You could drive back to Nordstorm, but then you’d have to find parking all over again and it was such a pain in the ass this afternoon. Suddenly your phone rings and it’s your BFF. You tell her your shoe dilemma. She says, “Why don’t you just borrow my Manolo’s for New Years?” You think about it. Not a bad idea. You’d save money, not have to walk or drive back to Nordstrom, and you’d be wearing shoes that are new to you. “Okay,” you tell her. And with that, you’ve abandoned the shoes you promised to buy.
Just as you talked yourself out of buying those shoes, time and time again, men talk themselves out of calling women. They have the same dialogue going on in their heads — I could call her, but it is so much easier not to. If I call her, what would I say? What if she doesn’t call me back? Was she really that interested anyway? Plus my ex girlfriend called me last night and I could just call her instead. That would be easier. What seems like such a good idea at the time, often becomes less of a good idea the more you think about it.
You cannot and should not take it personally when a guy you just met doesn’t call or text you. Who knows what the reason is, but if you just recently met him, there is no possible way the reason is you. He doesn’t know you so how can he reject you? What tends to happen is just what I stated above. When a man is in the moment, and you are right in front of him, he is on a high. Adrenaline is pulsing through his veins and emotion is overriding all other factors. However, once the high dies down and he is away from the situation, logic sets in. He may start to second guess himself. He may start to talk himself out of things. He can get distracted with other priorities, and then what he had planned and promised to do gets pushed to the bottom of the list.
So don’t despair that the guy you met last night didn’t follow up on that phone call he promised. It has nothing to do with you this time around. Go buy yourself some shoes and you will soon feel better
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To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann to ask a question about your relationship!
If you have a dating dilemma that you don’t know how to handle, this is the book for you. How do you turn a friend into something more? What do you do when you run into your ex? Can you get him to stop texting and ask you out on a date? All these questions and more are answered in this Q&A dating scenario book! Continue reading
But to meet the man of your dreams, the guy you’ve been waiting for your whole life, you need to think with more than just your heart. You need the secret strategies of a smart dating coach.
Out today on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere, You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to “I Do”: Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, has been the book to help single woman across the globe find and meet the love of their lives. Now this popular and proven guide has been revised and expanded with success stories and new techniques to help you find the guy that’s right for you – but more importantly to help you keep him once you do.
It was only a few years ago that I was a desperately seeking single myself. I didn’t understand why men never approached me, or why a first date didn’t result in a second. In college I had a bevvy of bad relationships that all left me sad and confused, prompting the question that most women ask themselves at some point in their lives: What’s wrong with me?
Lucky for me, just when all hope seemed lost, a revelation occurred and everything changed. I discovered a formula for dating that showed me how to better handle the tricky get-to-know-you phase and guided me towards commitment. Dates turned into relationships, and boys turned into boyfriends. In the past I used to agonize over every move I made. What should I say? When should I call? How should I act? With my new found strategy, however, I gained the confidence to take control of my relationships, and trust that if I stayed the course, it would lead me to a happy ending…
And it did.
If you are ready for a change in your love life, I can help you. Over the last several years I have studied and perfected a strategy that has helped guide women through the dating process and deliver them safely on the other side. The strategy will not only help you date smarter and find love faster, it will also protect you from making common mistakes that could easily sabotage your chances for a solid relationship. In You Lost Him at Hello you will find techniques that will help you:
* Find men and have them approach you (yes, there is a way!)
* Learn to read his signs of interest so you know if and when you should make a move
* End your date at the “Height of Impulse” so he will want to see you again
* How to actually “be yourself” around him – even though you are nervous!
* The number one technique that most women don’t do that will lead you to love this year
Stop making the same mistakes over and over again and start getting results. You Lost Him at Hello is every single girls secret weapon.
Jess McCann is also the author of the books, Was it Something I Said?: The answer to all your dating dilemmas (Globe Pequot, January 2013). She is an international dating and relationship coach who works with men and women all over the world, teaching them how to rid themselves of long standing habits that prevent them from finding love, and shows them how to move forward. To learn more about the coaching process, visit her here.
To continue reading advice blogs, click here.
The internet is all a buzz about tonight’s 2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The costumes will undoubtedly be amazing, but will pale in comparison to the legs, abs, and behinds, of models like Miranda Kerr and Alessandria Ambrosio. These girls are on the top of their physical A-game and no man or woman can resist tuning in to watch them strut their stuff. Including me!
But something had me thinking as this annual event neared. Not too long ago, I received an email from a twenty-something girl in California who was depressed because she thought she wasn’t as pretty as her girlfriends. She said she was considering plastic surgery in order to “keep up with them and get noticed by more men.” At first I had a strong reaction. I thought, “Wow, this woman is actually thinking about altering her appearance based on how her friends look?” But then when I gave it a second thought I realized that this is why anyone gets plastic surgery, isn’t it? (Unless you have some disfigurement, of course.) But otherwise, it’s all about keeping up with the Joneses. It’s all about looking as good, or better than the people around you. And as the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show airs, I wondered how many single women would dip to another low seeing a bevy of women far more fit then they are.
For all you girls out there reading this blog I have an interesting nugget of information. This may save you a little time, and a lot of money. On top of that, it may prevent you from seriously damaging your self-esteem down the line.
Now we all know that men like attractive women, and that’s part of the reason girls feel the need to maintain a certain level of physical beauty. But a USA Today article shows that men are not as picky as you may think when it comes to looks. Turns out you don’t have to be the belle of the ball. You don’t even have to be in the top 10. When it comes to being attractive, men don’t necessarily go for the hottest girl in the room. To put it a bit bluntly, if men were to grade women on their level of attraction, it would be more on a Pass-Fail grade than assigning them a A+, B- or C. Peter M. Todd, of the Cognitive Science program at Indiana University conducted a study on how men and women choose their mates. He conducted the research over a speed dating event in which all the men were told to select a follow-up date with however many women they wanted once the first round ended. Out of all the characteristics the men listed as important: Health, status, family, etc… men put physical attractiveness before anything else, ignoring the lack of other traits as long as they found the woman physically attractive. No surprise there However, here is the interesting part. “Men tended to select (for a follow-up date) nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold.” Indicating that to be asked out again, you didn’t have to be better looking than the other girls. You could be numero uno or numero 100. Either way, you were getting asked out.
So what does this mean? Well, to me it means we can stop making so many visits to Palm Beach tan. We can also hold off on those breast implants. Being the best looking girl out there is not going to get you any closer to a relationship than being the tenth, or being twentieth. If you ever start to think that your friend is hotter than you and thus gets asked out more, that could all be in your head. I guarantee that the girl who emailed me doesn’t need plastic surgery. She just needs an attitude adjustment. When you think everyone else is taller, thinner and therefore prettier, you are creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy. Men will not approach you because you are a Down-in-the-dumps Dolly, not because you aren’t cute enough. The moral here is maybe we should be spending more time on the inside than on the out. Maybe instead of bleaching, waxing, teasing and spraying, we should be doing more constructive things to better ourselves. I’m all for keeping yourself in good shape, don’t get me wrong, but do we really need to put SO much effort into our looks? Especially if there is little return on our investment? Most guys will readily admit that what first attracts them is a womans’ physical appearance, but it’s not what keeps them. So if your level of attractiveness doesn’t really sway men one way or the other, wouldn’t time and money be better spent on something that would make you more of a catch in the long run? What do you think?
For more advice on how to handle men in any situation, check out my newest book, “Was it Something I Said? The answer to all your dating dilemmas.”Learn when and what to text him back, how to have the “relationship talk” and much, much more! You can even view the table of contents and see all the questions asked here!
When should I text him back? Does he like me or is he just looking for a hook-up? How do I bring up the “relationship talk?” If you are a single gal in today’s dating world, you have undoubtedly searched for answers to these questions as well as hundreds of others. In the past you may have asked family and friends for their two cents on how to handle a guy, however these days you probably go straight to the number one source for all information – Google. Yes, unbeknown to even your closest confidants, you have been asking Google for help with your relationship. Why not? It’s so simple. You just type into the search bar, How do I find a boyfriend? and poof! Thirty billion answers await you! Wait. Thirty billion is a lot of answers.
You’ve posed a simple question, but you have not gotten the simple response you were looking for. Instead you find yourself sorting and skimming dozens of blogs, articles, and videos all to figure out how to respond to his ambiguous text message. You just want the answer to your specific question. Why is that so difficult?!? (Insert cry of frustration.)
I have very good news for you. You can now get the specific advice you need without having to read pages and pages of unrelated or irrelevant information. You can get your dating advice, a la carte! Similar to how itunes saved you from having to buy a whole album to get those 2-3 songs that you love, I’ve compiled the most popular dating and relationship questions and put all the answers in one place. My new book, Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas is different from all other relationship books because it uses Question & Answer format so that you can easily find the advice you are looking for. The Table of Contents is laid out just like an Index; every question listed with a page number.
Here is a sample of some of the questions in the Table of Contents:
When should I text him?
How do I get him to stop texting and start calling?
Can I turn my one-night stand into a relationship?
How do I tell him I’m not ready for sex? Will he lose interest if I don’t have sex with him?
Can I add him as a friend on Facebook?
How do I strike up a conversation with him?
Can I ask about his past relationships? How do I bring that up?
How do I get my hook-up to take me on a real date?
Why did he suddenly become distant? What do I do now?
How should I react when he cancels on me?
The best part about this Q&A book is that you will get specific advice on how to approach each scenario. In many instances, I give you the actual wording needed so you can have smooth conversations with your guy and achieve the best possible outcome for yourself and your relationship. So many women struggle to find the best way to say something, but now you can get all the tools you need to handle love’s challenges, big or small![caption id="attachment_1685" align="alignleft" width="145"] Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann[/caption]
And for those who asked How do I find a boyfriend, be sure to look out for the NEW REVISED and EXPANDED EDITION of You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to I Do – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, out in February 2013.
It’s become the norm these days. You meet someone, you get their number, you go home and google them. You may find an inactive Linkedin account, a professional business photo, and their listing in the white pages, but none of those things will tell you as much about a guy than good old Facebook. If you can fully view a guy’s Facebook page, a world of juicy information awaits you…you just have to be able to decode it’s meaning.
Typically if you are the kind of woman that is looking for a relationship, then you want to avoid guys that are immature, shallow, egotistical, and/or selfish. They not only make bad boyfriends, the often never fully commit to a relationship. Remember, a man who is too in love with himself will have no room left in his heart for you. The four negative qualities I previously mentioned, all boil down to being self-absorbed. Here are the top five ways to figure out via Facebook if you are potentially getting involved with the wrong kind of guy.
1. He has many pictures of just himself. If you click on his profile pics and realize he has multiple photos of himself, it could mean he loves his face a little too much. If he’s at least doing something in the pictures (running a marathon, hiking a cool trail, or in front of a national landmark) that’s more understandable than seeing ten snapshots of him just posing again and again in his best ensemble. You want a guy that has a good heart and a well adjusted self-esteem. Too many “cool” photos of him, especially one’s where other people are purposely cropped out, could be a red flag. If you find quite a few shirtless shots, find yourself another guy.
2. He is constantly posting self-gratifying updates. Are most of his status updates to alert others on his wonderful and impressive life? Do most of his mobile updates include him at parties, hanging with celebs, or pics with a harem of women? If so, this could be a man who’s mind has not evolved past his teenage years. A good, well-adjusted guy will post about other things besides himself – sport, news, or family and friends. He won’t display an eagerness to impress, but rather an ability to connect!
3. He is always announcing his location, location, location. Could you track every minute of his life for the last five years? If a guy constantly posts his whereabouts, you have to ask yourself the question, why does he think everyone needs to know what he’s doing at all times? Although you may think you want a man with a jet-setting lifestyle, it’s more smoke and mirrors than actual substance. Besides if he’s always club hopping, restaurant going, charity balling and boys night-outing, when will he have time for a real relationship?
4. He is always boozing. If his page could drink, it would be plastered. Most, if not all of his pictures include big red cups or dark brown bottles. He may not go out very often but that’s only because he’s a one man party. A guy that drinks most nights of the week is definitely more interested in getting smashed than getting serious. While this tell-tale sign may not point to directly to self-love, you definitely don’t want to come second to Sam Adams.
5. He loves stuff. If you find his page to be more of a display of his toys (from his car or bike to his newest watch or shotgun) you may want to rethink investing your time into someone so materialistic. Although you may initially swoon over those pics of him on his Ducati, remember that what matters in the long run is a man’s character, not his play things. Too much “stuff” on his profile may indicate that his ego is tied into labels, brands, and ultimately what other people think.
For more answers to relationship questions, contact me, Jess McCann, for a personal consultation. Also be sure to check out her new book, Was It Something I Said? : The answers to all your dating dilemma’s, hitting stores January 2013.
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If there is one thing Amy S. knows for sure, it’s how she feels about her ex boyfriend.
“I don’t know what I saw in him,” she says now. “But at the time, I was so in love I couldn’t see straight.”
Amy had dated Clayton, a real estate broker in D.C., for nearly five years when she discovered he was cheating on her. She took him back for a short period of time only to find out once again that he was cheating.
“I thought there was something wrong with me,” she tells me one afternoon. “Here was this gorgeous guy with all the fixin’s – degree from Georgetown, condo in the city, running in the right circles – and I couldn’t get him to commit.”
Amy says she tried ten different strategies to make the relationship work – from backing off to practically moving in. Nothing seemed to steady she and Clayton’s volatile status. Finally she just gave up and let go.
“I cried for a long time and blamed myself. It took me years to finally realize that I was not the problem and that Clayton wasn’t as great as I thought he was.”
Amy says she learned the hard way that good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean good in person. I myself have seen too many women duped into thinking a great resume equals a great guy. Although a few of our suburbs were recently named some of the best places to find rich singles (Arlington weighed in at #2) that does not necessarily guarantee that you as a woman have your pick of the Nation’s litter. Just because a man has the right look, the right job and the right degree, doesn’t automatically indicate that you are getting the best guy. In the metro area, there are a lot of Clayton’s: Guys that only look like husband material on the surface. They are the guys that will wine and dine you, but won’t ever commit. They are the ones that will tell you every detail about their life, but fail miserably at asking about yours. They drop names, as well as car models and measure their worth by their vast collection of passport stamps. Some girls call these men players, or bad boys, or even jerks, but doing so would elevate them to a higher caliber than justified. After all, labeling a guy “a player” suggests that no woman is good enough to tie him down. No, I prefer to brand these kinds of guys more accurately and call them what they really are. Losers. For at the core of every bad boy, every jerk and every womanizer is simply a loser that happens to dress well.
Harsh? Maybe. Appropriate? Absolutely.
Allow me to lift the wool from your eyes and reveal the telltale signs of a loser. First off, you have to look past the well-packaged exterior and investigate what is inside. If you are the type to fall fast for a handsome face, your Lose-O-Meter will need to be recalibrated because loser’s these days have had aesthetic upgrades. Secondly you have to know that the true measure of a man does not rest in his bank account, job title, handsome face or 5-series. It rests solely in his character. And a man’s character can be seen in one very clear and unmistakable way: How he treats other people, especially those from whom he has nothing to gain.
A man of character respects others and therefore earns others respect. When you start dating someone new, ask yourself this; how does he treat the man refilling his drink? The girl he has no interest in? The friend that is in trouble? A real man does the right thing even when no one is watching. When a loser does something selfless he makes a public service announcement.
A man of character displays strength and discipline. A Player has neither.
A man of character knows the value of a good woman. A Bad Boy does not.
And a man of character is in complete control of his emotions. A Jerk let’s his run his life.
If you want to know if a man is worth his salt, don’t size him up by the clothes he wears, the people he knows, or the places he travels. Those things are trivial and don’t represent worth. Any fool with a Visa can buy a Rolex or fly across the globe. A real man is defined by his integrity and good nature; if he is true to his word, if he is moral in his beliefs, and if he is confident enough to carry them out.
Next time you meet a man that you find interesting, don’t be so easily won over by his attractive exterior. Instead dig deeper and find out what kind of person exists beneath the surface. Because like Amy, you may waste years thinking that you are dating the total package, when in reality the guy may just be a Loser in Sheik’s clothing.
For more on what to look for in a man, visit my blog on Washington Life and learn, “What your “must-have” list is missing.”New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter @iamJessMcCann or you can email me for a consultation here.
“I wish I liked him more. He’s so sweet and thoughtful. He is always on time. He calls when he says he will. And I’m not worried about being hurt this time. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted…but I don’t want him!” she cried.
I was sitting on my couch with Raquel, a client I’d been coaching for only a few months. She had been dating Anthony, a software developer with a small start up business, for only a few weeks. When she had met Anthony, she had just broken up with Jay, her on-and-off boyfriend of three years. She was trying to move on but she was having great difficulty. Raquel’s former relationship was filled with highs and lows. She and Jay were hot and heavy one minute and not speaking to each other the next. Their chemistry was great, but their communication was not. Despite all the head butting though, Raquel was deeply in love with Jay and always thought he was the one. Why they couldn’t just make it work, frustrated her to no end.
Now she was dating Anthony – a guy that made her feel good about herself. A man that wanted to hear her point of view and valued her opinion. Things that, over time, Jay had lost interest in. Besides that, Anthony was cute! He was tall, he had a great body, and he had these adorable dimples that came out whenever he laughed. So why wasn’t Raquel feeling it?
“I keep thinking if I give it more time, I will like him more. But I just don’t get that rush of excitement like I did when I was around Jay. I don’t feel the butterflies,” she told me.
“Is that what you think love feels like? Having your stomach always tied up in knots?” I asked.
Raquel wasn’t sure how to answer.
“I just know that for three years, I had butterflies with Jay. My heart even flutters when I think about him now! Doesn’t that mean something? Isn’t that true love?”
“No,” I told her. “Butterflies after three years of being someone that you couldn’t get along with, does not mean it was true love. It means it was exciting – and it was exciting because Jay was unpredictable. He would spend a whole weekend with you and then not call you for three days. You never knew when you would see or hear from him again and that is why your heart always jumped when he came around. Not because it was true love.”
Adult Love: What does it feel like?
Everyone likes the feeling of falling in love. It’s a beautiful high that carries you throughout your day. It makes average living more lively. It turns the mundane into something remarkable. And when you come in contact with the object of your affection, the rush is nothing short of intoxicating.
We’ve all felt this way at one time or another. My husband gave me the such bad butterflies I could hardly eat around him. Ask him if I have that problem now though, and he’d probably break into a fit of laughter. Eating more now doesn’t mean I love him less, on the contrary, I love him more today than I did the day I married him. But real love doesn’t make you feel so nervous that you may lose your lunch. It feels like something ten times better and a lot less nauseating.
When love is the lasting kind, you don’t feel like you are standing on the edge of a 400 foot cliff (I should know, I’ve actually stood there.) Sure, you may get the butterflies in the beginning but when love is real, it goes deeper than, as Lindsay Lohan put it in Mean Girls, “feeling like your stomach is going to fall out of your butt.” It feels like home. Like a warm cozy room with a fire place. It’s happy. It’s safe, and I’m elated to say, it’s super comfortable. No, you don’t get tongue-tied around your partner after so many years – but you do feel a rush of utter happiness when they walk through the door after a long workday and you would absolutely jump in front of a moving bus if it meant saving them from any harm.
Keeping the Butterflies Alive
Some people mistakenly fight off real love. Have you ever known someone that religiously breaks off every one of their relationships at the same time point in time? Maybe they hit the seven month mark and suddenly decide they “aren’t feeling it” anymore. Or perhaps once the chase ends and commitment begins, they start to lose interest? These people are what experts call, “love junkies” – they chase the high that comes when you start to fall in love, and once they come down from it, they either create turmoil to get the high back, or they move on to someone else to create it all over again. They unknowingly prevent themselves from ever getting to the true love phase. Raquel had become an love junkie, which is why she was still couldn’t let go over her tumultuous past relationship and fall in love with someone stable. If a guy didn’t give her cardiac arrest, she was convinced it meant she didn’t like him. The truth is that Raquel and most love junkies are addicted to the feeling of excitement that uncertainty brings. Not knowing if someone liked her, not knowing when they would call or want to see her again, drove Raquel nuts. It made her feel extremely low. That’s why when the phone finally did ring, the high was so great, it felt like a full on episode of “When Butterflies Attack.” Her relationship with Jay was always in a state of flux, so the butterflies never went away, and she always assumed it meant it was love.
If you are like Raquel and you think a relationship is boring without ups and downs, then you are still dating with a high school mentality. If you are still attracted to guys that aren’t good for you because they keep you on edge, realize that you will be signing up for a stormy relationship, and later a rocky marriage. Yes, you get a rush of adrenaline when after three days and no calls, your phone rings. It’s exciting when you are dating, but it will be hell when you’re married. You don’t want to be at home, pregnant and wonder where your husband is, do you? How your relationship functions right now, is how it will be after you’ve walked down that aisle. Men that are unpredictable (my nice way of saying unreliable), don’t miraculously transform into steady and dependable husbands once they wed. If you have been with someone for years and you still aren’t able to fully relax and be comfortable with them, you aren’t in love… you’re an addict.
Raquel was so used to her roller coaster relationship with Jay, that the stable happy one she had with Anthony seemed lackluster… that is until Anthony broke up with her for not appreciating him.
My advice for any love junkies out there. Be careful chasing butterflies. The good, dependable guy in front of you isn’t boring. You are just strung out. If you need some excitement in your life, don’t get it from boys. Sign up for skydiving. It’s a lot less dangerous.
I had only been dating Palmer for a few months but I already knew I really liked him. I was twenty-one at the time and just finishing up my last year of college. Palmer avidly pursued me. I’d run into him at clubs and parties and he’d always slip away from his date and plead with me to go out with him. I thought it was exciting and romantic. I thought he was exciting and romantic. Finally after months of asking, I obliged a dinner invite and we ended up at restaurant near school. He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors and pulling out chairs. He paid for dinner and asked if he could kiss me goodnight. That date sealed the deal for me. I was falling for him.
A few months into our relationship, Palmer decided to enroll in my school. He had taken a few years off to wait tables and save money. I could tell he was nervous about his first day because he spent an extra ten minutes in the bathroom doing his hair and asked my opinion on three different shirts. When we got in the car and headed out to school Palmer was very quiet. He didn’t even turn on the radio. I reached over and rubbed back a little. “Hey,” I said. “Don’t be nervous. Everything is going to be great.” I wasn’t expecting the reaction I got.
“Get off of me,” he said with irritation.
An alarm went off in my head. I heard it. I tried to make sense of it. Why would he be upset with me? Why would he be annoyed at me for being supportive? I was confused. I looked at Palmer for a few seconds, hoping he would realize what he had said and apologize. But he didn’t. He just kept driving.
That was the moment that Palmer showed me who he really was. It was also the moment I chose to ignore it.
I continued dating Palmer for several more months and I can honestly say without a doubt it was the most emotionally exhausting, confidence wrecking relationship of my life. He was a moody, selfish person that threw anger tantrums if he didn’t get his way. He was also a womanizer that needed endless attention in order to feed his ego. At the time though, I blamed myself, thinking I was not good enough and couldn’t make him happy. That’s what happens when you don’t listen when someone tells you who they are. You get in too deep and you can no longer see them clearly. That day in the car I heard the alarm bells and knew that he had issues. But as I continued to date him, his issues disappeared and mine began to develop.
I have always loved Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.” Over the years I’ve realized the importance of this message as it saves you wasted time believing in false hope that people will become who you want them to be. Who are we to tell them who to be anyway? All of us have been told at some point in our lives that people don’t change, so to some of you perhaps Maya Angelou’s quote may not be as profound a statement. But I think that the emphasis here is not to simply believe someone when they show you who they are, it is to believe them when they FIRST show you. That is the crux of the message. For if you ignore it the first time, you will lock yourself in for a long ride ending in disappointment. Had I gotten out of the car that day and decided that Palmer’s reaction was not normal, not nice, and not fine with me, I could have saved myself many months of heartache and many years of self-doubt.
Today I’m blessed to be happily married to my wonderful husband. I learned a great deal from my prior relationships and thankfully I was able to self-improve instead of self-destruct. But I was fortunate. I had good family, great friends, and God and the Universe somehow pulled me through the dark times unscathed. But other people have not been so lucky. So if you have been in an unsatisfying relationship because you’ve been ignoring your partners true self, open your eyes and start to see what they’ve been telling you all along.
Update: Over a decade later, Palmer is still in school, still waiting tables and still throwing anger tantrums.
After months and months of filling your funnel, you think you’ve found a guy you really like. He’s smart and funny, sensitive and sweet, with just a dash of edge and spontaneity. You’ve been seeing each other for roughly three months and feel like you are both pretty into each other. Only thing is, you haven’t had “The Talk” yet. Does he consider you to be exclusive? Are you still dating other people? Can you start introducing him as your boyfriend? These questions can all be answered with one little conversation. But how do you bring it up? Before you cross the Rubicon and have this discussion, you must think this through. Once you have the talk, there is no going back. Say too much too soon and you could scare the guy off or tip your hand. But if you wait too long you could lose your sanity, or worse, waste your time on a guy that never had long term intentions. So what’s a girl to do?
The best way to have the relationship talk is to make the guy bring it up first. So how do you make him start yapping?
Rule No. 1 : Whenever you are trying to get someone to do what you want, always negotiate from a position of strength. In this case, you want this guy to be your boyfriend, right? You want him to stop seeing other girls and make you his one and only. Great. What kind of bargaining power do you have that will make him want to do this? What will he get in return that he is not getting now?
When my friend Cara started seeing her boyfriend, Justin, she refused to spend the night at his house. They would hang out, watch movies, eat dinner, and fool around, but never did she put on her PJ’s and climb into bed with him. He hated that she always went home and eventually asked her what he needed to do to get her to stay. That’s when they started having the talk. Because her boyfriend wanted her to spend the night, Cara was able to negotiate from a position of strength.
Now, let’s say you’ve already blown that. You’ve not only been spending the night, but you’ve been having sex with the guy too. You are now in a position of weakness because you want the guy to give you girlfriend status, but you have nothing that he wants from you (because he’s already getting it!) Continue reading