Proud To Be Prude: How to flip the script on guys just looking for nude pics, blow jobs, and hook-ups

StockSnap_0MBB2A09JAYou’ve been waiting all day to hear from him. He said he’d text you later and school has been out for almost an hour. Suddenly you hear a chime. Your stomach knots as you lunge for your phone. It’s him! You quickly unlock your home screen and wait for the message to appear. Then you see it.

“Send me a nude”

Your excitement has quickly turned into anxiety. What should you do? You like this guy. You want him to like you. But you don’t feel comfortable sending him a nude photo. You feel stuck because you know how this game usually goes for girls. You can send the pic, risk him passing it around to all of his friends and earn yourself a “slut” label, or deny him, lose his interest and he’ll start telling people you’re prude. Whatever you decide, you feel like you’ve already lost.

What To Do?
Let’s be real. You don’t want to send him a nude photo. You don’t want to send any guy a nude photo. You just want this guy to like you. You want him to be your boyfriend. Hold your hand. Care about you. That’s what you really want. And I’m telling you right now, sending that photo isn’t going to ensure that happens. The more likely scenario is just what you suspected. He will share it with his friends, it will circulate through your high school, and you will probably be slut-shammed like that girl in your Geometry class last week. Knowing this as well as you do should make you feel good about your decision to deny his request. But there is a consequence with that, too. Teenage boys are getting good at manipulating girls into giving them what they want. They know calling you a “prude” can hurt just as much, and they hope that pains you enough to give in.

But you are not a prude. No matter what any guy says. What you are is a girl who won’t be pushed or pressured by a guy into doing something she will surely regret later. And you would regret it. So what’s the best response? Is there anything you can do in order to keep this guys’ interest (because I know you still want it), but somehow prevent him from shaming you with the “prude” put-down?

There are several responses you can give and I’m going to help you with them. But before I lay them out, I want to say one thing. Girls often complain that all guys want from them is sex and that traditional dating is dead. But boys are not all to blame for this. Girls are giving in too easily to their salacious requests, or they are laughing them off which tells a guy that while you aren’t going to grant his wish, you are totally fine with him asking. And if you are fine with it, he will ask again because eventually he knows he will wear you down. The only way to change the dating atmosphere is to demand change, girls. There will always be a few females that will give the rest of us a bad rap, but if you all want to be treated with respect, don’t just whine and complain about it. Do what is necessary to get it!

You can use the replies below not only in response to his nude photo request. If any guy asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with – give him a blow-job, hook-up, have sex, experiment with other girls for his viewing pleasure, try a threesome, etc – these are a few of the ways to handle him.

(I assume all these communications are over text since it’s the most probable scenario.)

He says “Insert over-the-top sexual request” and you reply:

- With nothing

This is very powerful because you cannot be held to anything. Going silent will confuse him for sure, but it will also give him time to think about what he just asked of you and worry about how you’re taking it. Believe me, he doesn’t want to look bad either. You can let your non-response linger all day and night which will have him sweating by morning. Then, when you see him in the hall on your way to class, you can give him a half-smile as if to say, “I’m just going to let that one slide.” Or you can wave to let him know you have moved on from the incident. Either way, it’s not likely he will ask again (unless he’s a total idiot.)

- Seriously?! (with optional frowny face)

If this guy is going to be so bold as to ask you for a picture of your naked body, then you should be just as bold back. You don’t need to explain anything, this reply says it all. If he doesn’t text you again for the rest of the day, mission accomplished. You haven’t lost him. You’ve stood up for yourself and he got the message. He’s withdrawal means he’s feeling sheepish and rethinking his actions. Do not text him again. Wait a day and then act as if all is normal by smiling at him in class, or sending him an icebreaker tomorrow.

The rest of these responses speak for themselves.

- Ugh. Did you really just ask me that? I’m a little disappointed. I thought you were different from other guys.
I’m sorry, you have me mistaken for someone that doesn’t have any brains or morals.
How gentlemanly of you to ask!
Send me a pizza (since we are asking for things we like)
I like you, and since you are asking for that I am guessing you like me too. I’m not going to send you a nude photo, though. (Or give him a blow-job, or whatever else he’s asking.) I’m not prude, I just have standards. If you don’t like me now because of that, I guess I know what yours are.

And if you can’t muster the courage to send any of the above, here is a default response.
– Send a picture like this:

naked.baby If you want to know how to handle more sticky situations you can read my book, “Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas” or you can continue reading my blog for advice. Click here to load more blogs.

I’m also a dating and relationship coach, so you can contact me through my contact page to ask about coaching rates in person, over the phone or through email. If you are a teenager, or a woman under the age of 24, contact me for a special discounted rate (you just need to send a photo of yourself with drivers license for proof of age.) Continue reading

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Can You Show A Guy Your Somber Side? Will he still like you if you aren’t always happy and positive?

Jordie_NASDear Jess,

In order to improve my dating, I read a lot of self-help books and dating advice (including your awesome books!). I’ve learned a lot, but I’m starting to sense a theme that goes something like this:
In order to attract a man, you need to be so confident and positive that he’ll want to be around you all the time.

Obviously, there is a kernel of truth to that — it’s important to be confident and positive because those traits attract high-quality men. But nobody can exude confidence and positivity all the time. Sometimes I worry that no man will like me if I express any negativity. What if I have a bad day? What if the guy I’m dating does something annoying, or my best friend’s mother dies, or someone rear-ends my car at a red light? How do I strike a balance between positive and real and still keep a man’s interest (and my sanity)?

Thanks,
Not Always Smiling

Hi NAS,

While it is true that attracting a man does take a certain amount of confidence and positivity, I think there are two very important distinctions to be made here. First, keep in mind that these traits are important for attracting a man, meaning they are most necessary when you want to capture a guys attention – a guy who does not yet know you. Of course, once you get to know someone you will have bad days and should share them, but you don’t want to unload your problems on someone who just asked if they could buy you a drink. Second, there is a big difference between opening up about your feelings and showing emotion when things are not going well, and acting if the world is ending when one of life’s little problems pops up. I’ll take your example of someone rear ending your car. There are some people that would overreact in a negative way to having minor car accident – one that doesn’t result in anything but a scratched bumper. They might wallow in misery for the rest of the day and then get angry about it until the following week. One client of mine said she cancelled the rest of her day and called her boyfriend screaming, cursing, and crying when she accidentally backed into a parking meter. This kind of all encompassing negativity is what these books are warning against. Yes, life is going to hand you lemons sometimes, and while you don’t always have to make lemonade, if you want to keep a guy interested, you shouldn’t hurl those lemons at him. Expressing that you’ve had a hard work day, that someone close to you has passed, or even telling the person you’re involved with that picking their toenails really turns you off, doesn’t have to be a ugly or forlorn conversation. You are certainly allowed to be sad, get annoyed or angry and it won’t make men run from you as long as your delivery is appropriate and your relationship, solid.

The worst thing you can do is not tell the man you are dating why you are feeling down in the dumps. Pretending that everything is okay when clearly it’s not, often leads men to diagnose women as crazy or premenstrual. If you are going through a tough time, you should share that with your partner, rather than bottle it up and put on an unconvincing act. If you think you are saving your partner from listening to your woes, think again. Men want to know what’s bothering you. They want to help. They want to listen. You just have to communicate your feelings in the best way possible and for a lot of people, that can be hard. If you don’t, however, your sadness or frustration will come out some other way. You don’t want to burst into tears when your boyfriend asks you to pass the ketchup, because he really will think you’re a bit unbalanced if a condiment can upset you. Add the words, “I’m feeling..” to your vocabulary and use them. It’s totally fine to say, “I’m feeling a bit sad today because…” or “I’m feeling a little frustrated today and here is why…” You would be surprised at how just using those words to preface your feelings can make a big difference in how you communicate.

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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