When you see the guy you like what happens? Do you coolly say hello and engage him in witty conversation? Or do you start to hyperventilate, and quickly search for a rock to crawl under? For many females, talking to men is an art they cannot seem to master. Of course we want to show off how smart and fun we are in the hopes of getting asked out, but when you’re tripping over your every word it seems impossible to make a good impression. Is there a way to get better at talking to guys? Can you make sure that your feet stay planted firmly on the ground instead of getting one stuck inside your mouth? Absolutely! Here are some tips to remember that should help you better your conversation skills with the object of your affection.
1. Don’t Force The Conversation. Even though you desperately want him to notice you so that he can hurry up and fall in love, it’s best not to try and force a conversation with any guy. Yes, you have to position yourself to allow a convo to happen, but if he walks by you and just says hello, don’t follow him or make up some excuse to stop him. Not having a conversation is better than having a forced or awkward one. You may get a second chance if you don’t talk this time, but you will surely be avoided if he walks away from an uncomfortable chat with you. Wait until the timing is right.
2. Stay Focused On Him. Although it may seem obvious to keep your attention on the guy when you talk, many women spend more time thinking about themselves coming off well and making a good impression than anything else. If your mind is constantly obsessing about what you are saying and how you’re being perceived, you will absolutely seem nervous, disengaging, and insecure. Don’t worry about yourself when you are in the midst of conversation. Stay completely present and shut down your analytical mind. If you don’t, you might miss something he says or forget to laugh at the joke he tried to make. Don’t think about you. Think about him.
3. Ask The Right Questions. Dale Carnegie pointed out years ago that everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. So asking a guy about his work, life, interests, and passions are all topics he’s sure to enjoy discussing. Don’t worry about being funny or witty – remember, that would be focusing on yourself again. Men like women who are happy and engaged, which means all you really have to do is smile and listen! That’s it. If you appear to be genuinely interested in what he has to say, he will walk away from the conversation feeling great…and who does he have to thank for that? You!
Once you have broken the initial ice with someone you like, there will be a bevy of little challenges that arise. How to respond to a cryptic text? When to tell a guy how you feel about him? What to say if he makes you feel insecure? All these conversations may seem uncomfortable but can be had with great ease! In my new book, Was It Something I Said? The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas, I tackle over 100 of the most frequently ask questions regarding hooking up, texting back and moving forward towards lasting commitment. If you aren’t sure what to say or how to say it, the answers are right inside. Here is a sneak peek of a few of the pages.
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If you’ve read most dating books, you know a long-standing cardinal rule is to let the guy approach you first. However, with advances in modern technology have come advances in modern-day dating.
Most men would now prefer a woman to say hello, or at least display some sign of interest in chatting with them.
If you have your eye on a guy and want to strike up a conversation, here a few easy tips on the best way to do so!
Playing aloof and avoiding a man’s stare stopped working years ago, so if you are still holding on to the old “play hard to get” proverb when it comes to men approaching you, it’s no wonder you’re still single.
Men these days need a sign that you are interested.
In my book, “You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to ‘I Do,’” I advise women to use a technique called the S.E.E. Factor.
It stands for Smile, Eye Contact, Energy.
You can use it anywhere and with any guy you fancy. Just smile, lock eyes for a full two to three seconds and exude a good, positive energy.
This will send him the message you are not only open to a conversation, but you are available for one (i.e. you aren’t taken by another man!)
Most guys fear rejection, so the S.E.E. Factor will give them the confidence they need to say hello.
“Warm yourself up by smiling and
talking to everyone around you.”
The setting is ideal. You want to meet a guy, so you go to a place that has a variety of men packed into 2000 square feet. All single, all looking, all ready to buy you a drink and get to know you. On paper it would seem that a bar or club is an ideal place to meet someone. However, we all know the reality of this situation.
Just yesterday I received an email from a client who had met a guy at a club over the weekend. He was tall, and cute with the most adorable British accent. (Man, those accents are hard to resist.) They talked and laughed, and drank and danced. She was interested, he was mesmerized. He asked for her number, she gladly obliged. A seemingly perfect first meeting.
Then my client caught this guy making out with some random girl by the bathroom.
Yet another example of how bars and clubs are not good places to meet your next boyfriend. But wait a minute, I met my husband at a bar! And my husband, sorry to brag for a sec, is the cutest, smartest, most wonderful person I’ve ever met. So how can bars be all that bad?
The truth is that you absolutely can meet the love of your life at a bar or club. Yes, you can. I’m living proof of it. So it’s not the venue itself that is the problem. There are just a couple of rules that you have to apply when you are out on the scene to up your chances of meeting a good guy and reduce the risk of attracting a bad one.
First off, timing is everything. Remember the movie Gremlins? The number one rule for caring for the cuddly creatures was to never feed them after midnight. After midnight the perfect pet turned into a mini Cujo. Well, the same goes for guys. Depending on what time you are out on the scene will determine what kind of guy you are going to find once you’re there. If you are on the prowl starting at ten p.m. and going until three in the morning, don’t be surprised if you constantly meet flakes, drunks and professional partiers. If, however, you hit the bars/clubs for happy hour (anytime between 5-10 pm) you are more likely to meet a good, quality guy. The reason is simple. Guys that call it a night before ten, do so because they are serious about their lives. They have good jobs and don’t want to risk being hung over for work the next day. They would rather get up early, go for a run, catch up on the news, and get a head start on the day rather than sleep until noon. These are the guys that make good boyfriends.
Secondly, beware of Barney Stinson. If you haven’t watched How I met your mother, then get out from under your rock and go set your tivo right now. Barney Stinson is the womanizing Lothario that loiters his local bar, McClarens, scoping out the ladies, and targeting his next score. He’s there every night (yes even during happy hours). He is a denizen. A regular. A fixture, if you will. He is also to be avoided. If you come across a guy that claims the bar you are in is his modern day “Cheers,” then you should pay your tab and be on your way. (Or have him pay your tab and be on your way, either way don’t stick around and get to know him.) Men that hang out at bars so frequently they have a “regular booth” or worse, and entree named after them, are not marriage material. One of my friends learned this the hard way. When she met her boyfriend at McCormick & Shmick’s ten years ago he was there so often he was invited to their company Christmas party. She married him anyway, against all advice from her friends and family, and ten years later is now divorced. That’s not the worst part of it though. The worst part is that not only did she waste the best ten years of her life, she wasted them in agony. She was always waiting for him to come home, wondering where he was (even though she knew), and fighting with him to stop going out. She was constantly alone, frustrated and angry.
At first it could seem an attractive quality – a guy that everyone knows and is treated like royalty whenever he makes an appearance. He doesn’t have to wait in line to get in, gets his drinks for free, and knows the bartenders first and last names… but this is not what you want in a husband.
Not all clubs are created equal. Just because one place doesn’t yield good results, doesn’t mean the place next door will do the same. Choose your venue wisely. If you want to meet someone and have it develop into something long term, go to places where you can actually have a conversation without having to scream over the music. Places with loud music, smoke machines and fancy lighting tend to attract the party-going types. Likewise, bars that are rowdy, noisy and crowded will make meeting someone all the more difficult. Try bars that are in nicer restaurants or even in an upscale hotel. I’m can’t promise you will always meet stand-up guys there, but your chances will be better and you will be able to weed out the creeps faster!
To sum it up, can you meet a good guy in a bar? Yes. I did and you can too. But you have to know when, how, and what to look for. A lot of the above scenarios happen more frequently when you are between the ages of 18-28. Rightfully so. When you are young, you act young, and there is nothing wrong with that! Don’t be surprised that the twenty-two year old hottie from Capitol Hill frequents the mid-town clubs every weekend and stays out until 4 a.m. He’s twenty-two. What do you expect? As guys grow up, they grow out of things… most of the time.
There are many other signs you should be aware of while out prospecting. If you want to know more you can read about it in my book, “You Lost Him at Hello” or “Was it Something I Said?” Otherwise, contact me about one-on-one date coaching. To continue on to my advice blogs, click here!
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My client, Julie (not her real name,) is a stunner. Men zero in on her the minute she enters a room. She’s got tons of charisma and knows how to flirt like a pro. She never has a shortage of dates. But Julie cannot hold down a boyfriend from more than three months. Three months and the guy moves on to someone else. When she decided to sign up for date consulting, she was 31 years old and void of all hope that she would ever marry.
“I don’t know why I am so unlucky in love,” she told me. “Nothing ever works out for me. I meet guys all the time. You would think at least one would turn into something, but it never does.” Julie was baffled. Her friends told her she was cursed. Her mom told her she was too pretty and intimidating. Her Dad said she was picking the wrong guys.
The truth is, Julie’s big problem was actually fear. Deep down, she was terrified she would end up alone. Whenever she started dating someone, she immediately began treating them as if they were her boyfriend. She would assume “this is it” with every guy she met. She assumed they were in love with her because they had asked for her phone number. She assumed they wanted to spend all their time with her, without really even knowing her. And she assumed whenever they didn’t do exactly what she wanted, they would leave her – and she would immediately get angry and frustrated with them.
Julie had no idea that she was unconsciously sabotaging her relationships. Once we pinpointed the problem, Julie’s work was just beginning. Today, she has to constantly work at keeping her fear at bay. It’s not easy to do, but she has a plan in place and is working on it. Without identifying this problem and working at the solution daily, Julie would keep dating the way she always had, and getting the results she always got.