Married at First Sight: Why Ryan D and Davina may sabotage their marriages

Married-at-First-Sight-Spoilers-is-Davina-MarriedI cannot get enough of Married at First Sight. It’s my new guilty pleasure. It’s taken over as the number one relationship show on television for very good reasons. Because of it’s accelerated process, it showcases what can happen in marriage five or ten years down the line, only you don’t have to wait that long. You can see love growing and blossoming, or wilting and dying while the couples are still on their honeymoon. I’ve been watching since the Matchmaking episode and based on their interviews, and what has transpired thus far (up to the honeymoon), my predictions are that Jacklyn and Ryan R could last and continue to be married, but Ryan D and Jessica are doomed, and Sean and Davina could follow suit. Maybe not after the 6 weeks are up, but eventually. Here’s why:

Ryan D and Jessica

Although Ryan D proclaims he’s looking for lasting love much like his grandparents, he’s missing a key component to having a happy healthy partnership: He does not think about his wife’s feelings. He seems only interested in what he wants to do. Case in point. He knows Jessica is afraid of the water, and that she is hesitant about going jet skiing, but instead of helping her get comfortable and easing her into the experience, he guns it to warp-speed and throws both of them off the watercraft. When she tries again to conquer her fears because he wants to snorkel, he couldn’t seem to care less that she starts having a panic attack in the water. He doesn’t comfort her, take her hand, or reassure her that he’s going to keep her safe. He just paddles off on his own and lets her watch from the boat. Now, I do know that reality TV does quite a bit of editing so even if those two instances were made to look worse than what they really were, the fact that Ryan D shows affection like an 8 year-old-boy (“I like poking and teasing. That’s how I show affection”) makes it almost impossible to have a grown-up relationship with him. Women want to feel loved, and it’s hard to feel that way if flicking your big toe at her is the way you do it.

But the real kicker (sorry, to keep going but there is so much here) is that when Ryan hurts Jessica’s feelings by calling her piercings and tattoos trashy, he denies and justifies instead of simply saying, “I’m sorry.” Then he storms off and tells her the conversation is over. They always say you can tell how long a marriage will last by the way people argue. From the looks at it, Ryan is going to end this thing rather quickly if he doesn’t learn to accept responsibility for his mistakes. I feel like I should say something nice about him now since I’ve thrown him under the bus so much… He’s a good looking dude. And even if he’s tough to get along with, Jessica seems so loving and really wants to be married so I bet she hangs in there for as long as possible.

Sean and Davina

I want this couple to work out. I actually like them together. But the thing that may just get them in the end is that Davina seems to have what I call, A Better Than mentality. Meaning, she thinks she better, more deserving, and entitled to the best life has to offer – and her relationship is no exception. The low self-esteem she felt as a child has seemingly made her extremely self-focused in a negative way, but as she grew older, that self-focused viewpoint turned from negative to positive. Now she just thinks about herself far too much, and any little thing that threatens her self-esteem, she guards against. Sean has known her roughly five days and when he doesn’t react “appropriately” to her getting misty-eyed on the sleigh ride, she basically attacks him and warns, “Now you know that when I tear-up, it really means something.” Yikes. If Sean gets her the wrong type of birthday present, should he worry he’ll come home to a boiled bunny on the stove? (Of course not, but her comments are a bit dramatic, don’t you think?) Jessica getting upset with Ryan’s trashy comment or his disregard for her fear of jetski’s makes sense to me… but getting upset that the man you met 5 days ago didn’t know how to read your emotional reaction to happiness…I mean, are you looking for things to fight about?

If Davina can focus on gratitude instead of what Sean needs to improve on, they may do just fine. But if Sean realizes that it’s Davina’s world and he’s just a living in it, he may very well decide to move out.

Jacklyn and Ryan R

My favorite couple because I truly think they have a chance. The only thing that seems to be standing in their way right now is Jacklyn’s lack of physical attraction to Ryan. However, I think when a woman doesn’t know a man’s heart, character, humor, and personality, she will only be attracted to the top 5% of guys. Once she can factor in all the things that make a man great, he will undoubtedly get more attractive – unless the woman is 100% shallow. I don’t think Jackie is. Ryan is not an ugly guy, in fact, he is tall, dark, and handsome. She just has a certain picture in her head of what kind of man she thought she would end up with and he doesn’t look like Ryan. But that doesn’t mean a thing! I think they connect on many levels and have a good dynamic between them, so I really hope Jacklyn takes Ryan out of the friend zone before Ryan gets too annoyed that she’s put him there.

For more advice blogs on texting guys, bringing up the relationship talk, or getting him to commit, click here!


Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating book Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,

Read Jess McCann’s blockbuster relationship books, Was It Something I Said? and You Lost Him at Hello available on Amazon and where books are sold! Continue reading

Share
Posted in Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, finding a boyfriend, Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Why hasn’t he called? The age old question is answered!

armstextingIt’s baffled women across the globe. We have racked our brains, asked our friends, and even consulted a professional. But no matter what we do, it seems we will never truly know why that cute single guy we met last week, who asked for our number, and seemed so interested, never called.

Until now.

Yes, I have the answer. I’m not kidding. I actually feel a little silly that it took this long to figure it out. Especially being that the it’s something that I’ve always known but never made the connection. So without further adieu, here it is. The reason behind the “Can I get your number and never call you.”

To understand this phenomenon, I want you to imagine you are Christmas shopping for a nice little gift for yourself. Yes, you have been good this year and you are allowing yourself one present. So you go to Nordstrom and you see these cute shoes that will go perfectly with your New Years Eve dress. You try them on and they look even better on your feet! You walk around testing them out. You love them. You are happy you have finally found your Christmas present. You look over at the line and see that it is out of control. Ugh. The holiday season. You ask the saleswoman to hold on to the shoes so you can shop around a bit more and wait for the line to die down.

You leave the store and head straight to Starbucks to grab a drink. You head into a few other stores. Nothing too exciting. You keep going. Finally an hour passes and you find yourself at the opposite end of the mall. Your feet hurt from all the walking. Your caffeine has worn off and you sit down on one of the couches outside Urban Outfitters. The mall is going to close in thirty minutes. Should you walk all the way back to Nordstrom to get your shoes? It seems miles away now. Your car is right outside the door. You don’t want to walk all the way back to Nordstorm and then all the back to your car here. You could drive back to Nordstorm, but then you’d have to find parking all over again and it was such a pain in the ass this afternoon. Suddenly your phone rings and it’s your BFF. You tell her your shoe dilemma. She says, “Why don’t you just borrow my Manolo’s for New Years?” You think about it. Not a bad idea. You’d save money, not have to walk or drive back to Nordstrom, and you’d be wearing shoes that are new to you. “Okay,” you tell her. And with that, you’ve abandoned the shoes you promised to buy.

Just as you talked yourself out of buying those shoes, time and time again, men talk themselves out of calling women. They have the same dialogue going on in their heads — I could call her, but it is so much easier not to. If I call her, what would I say? What if she doesn’t call me back? Was she really that interested anyway? Plus my ex girlfriend called me last night and I could just call her instead. That would be easier. What seems like such a good idea at the time, often becomes less of a good idea the more you think about it.

You cannot and should not take it personally when a guy you just met doesn’t call or text you. Who knows what the reason is, but if you just recently met him, there is no possible way the reason is you. He doesn’t know you so how can he reject you? What tends to happen is just what I stated above. When a man is in the moment, and you are right in front of him, he is on a high. Adrenaline is pulsing through his veins and emotion is overriding all other factors. However, once the high dies down and he is away from the situation, logic sets in. He may start to second guess himself. He may start to talk himself out of things. He can get distracted with other priorities, and then what he had planned and promised to do gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

So don’t despair that the guy you met last night didn’t follow up on that phone call he promised. It has nothing to do with you this time around. Go buy yourself some shoes and you will soon feel better ;-)


 

 

Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:

How Long To Wait Before Texting Him Back?

When You Should NOT Respond To A Text.

How to Tell If He Likes You or Just Wants to Hook Up.

Why He Chose Her Over You?

How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

Is He Losing Interest?

Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book, Also by Jess McCann

You Lost Him at Hello – From Dating to “I Do” – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches

To learn the techniques to find a guy, get him interested, and keep him that way, check out this book. You will learn the techniques Jess used to find and keep her husband, as well as what she teaches her clients! For more info on Jess and her coaching, check out www.jessmccann.com and follow her on Twitter @iamjessmccann to ask a question about your relationship!

 

 

Was It Something I Said - Should I text him back, best book on dating, best dating bookIf you have a dating dilemma that you don’t know how to handle, this is the book for you. How do you turn a friend into something more? What do you do when you run into your ex? Can you get him to stop texting and ask you out on a date? All these questions and more are answered in this Q&A dating scenario book! Continue reading

Share
Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating and Relationship Book, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, does my boyfriend still love me, Texting and dating, Why is he mad? | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Are you likely to end up alone? How to avoid being single forever.

Single woman, dating advice photostock[/caption]

A twenty-eight year old woman sat on my couch today wanting to discuss one thing and one thing only: How could she avoid being alone forever? Christy was newly single and fearing the worst for her future. Her two favorite aunts, both in their sixties, never married. Her mother, had only been briefly wed to her father, but divorced before Christy’s second birthday. She was surrounded by smart, beautiful and educated women who had never found true love, and it scared her to death to think she would follow in their footsteps.

This is probably the biggest fear most single women have these days. Ironically, it is the fear itself that ends up keeping them from finding themselves a good partner and having a healthy relationship. Living in a state of fear, no matter what it’s from or what form it takes (paranoia, anxiety, anger to name a few), radiates an extremely stressful and tense persona. When your daily thoughts are consumed with fear, ask yourself the question, how can a man fall in love with me in this condition?

Many men want to find love, settle down, and start a family. I would say most men prefer this path. But they want to find a partner who is happy, loving, and confident. And being fearful all the time does not allow you to be any of those things. Perhaps you are waiting for the relationship to come so that you will stop being fearful and start being happy, loving, and confident. However, this is not a chicken and egg scenario. The relationship cannot come first. Content from within does. Only then will you be in a place that is able to attract another person.

How do you stop the fear?

To quote my favorite author, Eckhart Tolle, “Psychological fear is divorced from any real danger. You are here and now but your mind is in the future. You can always cope with the present moment, Continue reading

Share
Posted in Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Does he like me? Or is he just looking for a hook-up?

hard2getMy friend Megan called me last night completely confused. She recently met a guy online and was starting to really like him. “He’s cute, smart, and very witty,” Megan said to me. “The only problem is, I can’t tell if he likes me, or if he’s just looking for a hook-up.” Of course I was intrigued, and I asked her what made her think that he was trying to get into her pants verses her heart? She thought for a second and said, “The dates we go on seem to be going downhill. First date was a nice restaurant. Second date was drinks at a bar. Third date he just asked me to come over and hang out at his house. What do you think? Is it in my head, or is he just out for one thing?”

Good question. And with just that information, it would certainly seem so. But let’s not jump to conclusions here. Yes, there are some guys out there that are not interested in getting serious. They want to play the field, and have sex with anything they find aesthetically stimulating. However, there are also men out there that do want to find a good girl to hunker down with. So the question is, how do you know which guys are which? How can you spot out the guys who are just out to score and split?

1. He doesn’t try to impress you. Most guys want to make a good impression with someone they like. They try very hard to please a girl, especially in the beginning. But if he doesn’t seem to be making much of an effort there could be a good reason why. Vanessa was dating a guy that called her everyday. He seemed to want to get to know her since he was making such frequent contact. But when they were together he didn’t pay much attention to her. “He would have me come over and sit on the couch while he watched football. Or he’d invite me out with his friends but spent more time with them than with me. It became very obvious that the only time I got attention was when he wanted to make out.”

Don’t get confused if he is extra attentive over the phone, and not so much in person. It takes no time or effort to send a quick text. The real test is how he acts when he’s around you.

2. He doesn’t go the extra mile. It’s the little things that make all the difference. Does he open your car door, hang up your coat, or take you out for ice cream when you’ve had a tough day? For Rachel the answer was not so much. She was dating a guy that wouldn’t go an extra inch, forget about a mile. “He would always make me go meet him whenever we went out. He never picked me up at my house. I had to drive to see him or else we weren’t getting together.”

Be wary when you feel like you are doing all the work in the relationship. It’s a give and a take, yes, but in the beginning a guy will bend over backwards to win over a woman he cares for.

3. There is no mental connection. He wants to get to know you in the biblical sense, but how about just getting to know you period? Does he ask you about yourself? Your friends? Your career? A man that wants to settle down will ask you about yourself to see if you are the kind of woman he wants to be with. He’s fishing to see if there is a future. But if the relationship never gets into serious discussions it’s because he has no serious plans for it. My client, Brynn was dating a man that talked about himself incessantly. He was so self-absorbed that she eventually realized he would never love her more than he loved himself.

4. He is pressuring. Does he tell you that sex is really important to a relationship? Does he make you feel bad for holding out? Does he make it seem like he can only open up emotionally if you open up physically? If that is the case, run for the hills. This guy is just out to get some nookie. Don’t let him manipulate you. Sex is important to a relationship yes, but are you even in a relationship yet? Or have you only been dating for five weeks? Truth be told, a good guy will wait forever for the right girl. A selfish guy, however, will wait for no one.

If you really like the guy you are hooking up with, and want to find out how to get him to take you seriously, you must do one very important thing – stop hooking up with him. He won’t give you more if you don’t require more. There is a way to let him know that you like him, but aren’t going to keep casually hooking-up with him until you have decided where the relationship is going. It’s a tricky conversation to have but it’s all laid out in my new book, “Was It Something I Said? : the answers to all your dating dilemma’s.” Was It Something I Said - Should I text him backCheck out an excerpt from the book right here!

In this Question and Answer book you will find all the best advice for handling every romantic situation. We cover it all – from hooking up, texting back, and moving forward to a lasting commitment. If you have ever been stuck searching for the right words to say, this book will give you word-for-word instruction on how to tackle the most troubling scenarios. How do you bring up the “Relationship Talk”? How do you ask him if he’s seeing other girls? What do you say if you like him but don’t want to go all the way? You will never again be at a loss for words. Any question you may have is answered right here!

For more advice or one-on-one coaching, contact me at www.jessmccann.com/contact New! You can ask me any relationship question you like on Twitter now @iamjessmccann

 

 

Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:

When You Should NOT Respond To a Text.

How Long Should You Wait to Text Back?

How to Get to Girlfriend Status!

Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings?

What Every Woman Should Know About Hooking Up…

Is He Losing Interest?

How To Get Him Back.

Why Are You Not Good Enough?

Books on dating, books on how to find a boyfriend, dating books, relationships books, best book on dating, best dating book,Also by Jess McCann!

The dating book that has helped single women across the globe!

Check out the revised and expanded edition of You Lost Him at Hello! Continue reading

Share
Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating and Relationship Book, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, How do i find a boyfriend | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Am I just not good enough?: Why he chose her over you…

Young couple holding glasses with champagne and woman looking at

I think at some point in life all women have asked themselves this question. If you’ve ever been dumped by a guy who claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then practically moved in with the next girl that came along, it is hard not to question if something about you is flawed when your relationship doesn’t work out. You may not even be able to pinpoint what it is about you that seems inferior to other women, you just feel deep in your bones that somehow you are. If you watched this season of The Bachelor on ABC, you may remember that sweet, southern Kacie B. cried the very words, “Why am I not good enough?” after she was sent home rejected following her home-town date. From her point of view, if she were somehow “better” she would have been the one to get the final rose. But as we have seen play out repeatedly in season’s past, the “best” woman does not always win. In fact this season it would seem that the absolute “worst” woman triumphed over all. But Courtney, who landed the Bachelor and that final rose (but was temporarily dumped just weeks after the show aired) has involuntarily taught every woman in the world a very important lesson. And that is this – being “good enough” isn’t what makes a man love you. If that were true, Ben would have picked, Lindzi, who in many people’s opinion, was prettier, smarter, and orders of magnitude nicer. Or earlier cast-off, Emily, who in my opinion was not only more attractive than Courtney, but also a PHD student with a great sense of humor. There were so many women on the show that arguably seemed “better” than Courtney. Yet, Ben picked her. Why? Because something about Courtney resonated with Ben. His personality, his life experiences, and his own feelings about himself all play into why he chose her. Her being the “better” woman was not a factor at play. I’m hoping this is an ounce of comfort to any brokenhearted woman wondering why their man left them for someone else.

A client of mine fell deeply in love two years ago, only to have the man she thought she would marry leave her for someone else. They had had a bumpy relationship from the start but my client always thought that somehow they would work through their differences and end up together. When I first started coaching her she was already obsessed with her ex’s new relationship. Like many women, she stalked her former flame and his new girlfriend via the social network, hoping to find a a shred of understanding as to what this woman had that she, herself, did not. Unfortunately she not only failed to find the answer, she became even more perplexed when she realized the woman was less physically fit, less educated, and more needy (as evident from her many amorous wall posts on Facebook). Several times my client asked me what it meant to be abandoned by your lover for a person of less quality. Did it mean that despite all my clients’ wonderful attributes, that she was just somehow, unexplainably inferior?

Of course not.

What my client failed to consider was (again) her ex’s personality, life experience and his own feelings about himself. Even though he was a good-looking, confident man, he had come from a broken and dysfunctional family. His own mother was an extremely volatile woman who relentlessly picked on him while smothering him at the same time. She was hot and cold with her feelings. Growing up he never fully felt accepted by anyone. Then he met my client. A woman who loved him the way he always wanted to be loved. A good, kind, well-balanced person that would never attack him or his character. And for him, that felt…awkward. He was not comfortable with that kind of love yet. He was not capable of appropriately receiving it. He truly felt more at home with someone who was …”dramatic.” Someone that provided the “ups and downs” he was accustomed to growing up. His mother also Continue reading

Share
Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

What everyone should know about hooking up…

Hooking-upYou are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”

Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.

And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.

I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.

Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely and use them when they want to. Those same women often Continue reading

Share
Posted in dating and hooking up, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, How do i find a boyfriend | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

No more “playing hard to get”!: Times have changed and you must change too

hard2getKarina S. is twenty-nine and she has been playing hard to get her whole life. When a guy checks her out, she pretends not to notice. When he asks for her number, she feigns half interest. She keeps herself busy so she is forced to turn down a first date request, and she absolutely never tells a man how she feels about him…ever. Karina has been playing hard to get for so long, it’s become ingrained in her thought process. She doesn’t second guess how she interacts with men, she’s simply on autopilot. Her mother taught her from an early age that men like the “chase”, and so she’s always strived to start running away the minute she meets someone.

The problem is that it’s not working for her. Karina has been single for the last eight years. She’s had a few dates here and there, but none have amounted to any sort of significant relationship. When she sat on my couch for the first time, she wasn’t prepared for what I was going to tell her, as apparent from the shocked look on her face.

“‘Hard to get is not working for you,” I said. “You are have to drop the act.”

Confused, she referenced my book and cited that I repeated many times that men do need to “chase” women and feel they have won them over. She even pulled out her copy and turned to the chapter on Indifference. It seemed to her that my advice was right in line with what she had always been doing. But, as I gently pointed out, if that were true she would have found a boyfriend by now.

Forget “Hard to Get”

The difference between my advice and playing hard to get may be subtle, but don’t let subtlety minimize the importance. The reason playing hard to get doesn’t work anymore is because times have changed and men are now looking for signs of interest. Without some reciprocity on your part, they won’t keep pursuing you…or in many cases, even start to. That’s not to say you have to initiate contact, or ask them out on a date…Hear me when I say that’s absolutely NOT what you should do, because you will eliminate the chase that way.You don’t want a man to think you love him after one date, but you do want him to think that you like him.

My client Karina quickly understood the importance of showing interest. It’s a fine line, of course. Show too much and you can scare a man off, but show too little and you risk losing him too. How then do you find the balance in between? What if you are someone that has lived by the H2G rules. What do you do now?

The key is to use one of the tactics in my book called, Mirror Theory. It’s meaning is fairly self explanatory. You want to “mirror” his signs of interest. Therefore if he checks you out as you walk by, you want to smile at him. He’s showing you interest, and your smile shows it back. If he asks you out on a date, you gladly accept. You don’t want to do cartwheels or supply him with ten different ways to get in touch with you, you simply want to mirror his request with a, “Sure, that would be nice.” If he compliments you, tells you that you are smart or beautiful, make sure you work your own note of appreciate into the conversation too. Telling a man you find him funny or perceptive will only make him like you more… after all, who doesn’t love a sincere compliment? You can and should still be indifferent – meaning if the relationship doesn’t go the distance you won’t fall to pieces, but you have to add in a few buying signs.

After Karina and I had two sessions, things began to immediately turn around for her. Within a week, she had three men ask for her number.

Typically it’s a woman’s “relationship agenda” that causes her to come on too strong. Some try to cover their ambition for love with playing hard to get, but it often backfires. Try combating the “wanting” for a relationship at it’s core. If you don’t know how, give me a call. I’ll walk you through it!

For more of Jess McCann’s advice on dating, pick up You Lost Him at Hello in bookstore’s and online. Also, keep an eye out for her next book, being released in January 2013, “Was it Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemma’s.” You can contact Jess here or follow her on Twitter @iamjesssmccann Continue reading

Share
Posted in Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

How to Spot a Loser in Sheik’s Clothing

LoserinSheik'sIf there is one thing Amy S. knows for sure, it’s how she feels about her ex boyfriend.

“I don’t know what I saw in him,” she says now. “But at the time, I was so in love I couldn’t see straight.”

Amy had dated Clayton, a real estate broker in D.C., for nearly five years when she discovered he was cheating on her. She took him back for a short period of time only to find out once again that he was cheating.

“I thought there was something wrong with me,” she tells me one afternoon. “Here was this gorgeous guy with all the fixin’s – degree from Georgetown, condo in the city, running in the right circles – and I couldn’t get him to commit.”

Amy says she tried ten different strategies to make the relationship work – from backing off to practically moving in. Nothing seemed to steady she and Clayton’s volatile status. Finally she just gave up and let go.

“I cried for a long time and blamed myself. It took me years to finally realize that I was not the problem and that Clayton wasn’t as great as I thought he was.”

Amy says she learned the hard way that good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean good in person. I myself have seen too many women duped into thinking a great resume equals a great guy. Although a few of our suburbs were recently named some of the best places to find rich singles (Arlington weighed in at #2) that does not necessarily guarantee that you as a woman have your pick of the Nation’s litter. Just because a man has the right look, the right job and the right degree, doesn’t automatically indicate that you are getting the best guy. In the metro area, there are a lot of Clayton’s: Guys that only look like husband material on the surface. They are the guys that will wine and dine you, but won’t ever commit. They are the ones that will tell you every detail about their life, but fail miserably at asking about yours. They drop names, as well as car models and measure their worth by their vast collection of passport stamps. Some girls call these men players, or bad boys, or even jerks, but doing so would elevate them to a higher caliber than justified. After all, labeling a guy “a player” suggests that no woman is good enough to tie him down. No, I prefer to brand these kinds of guys more accurately and call them what they really are. Losers. For at the core of every bad boy, every jerk and every womanizer is simply a loser that happens to dress well.

Harsh? Maybe. Appropriate? Absolutely.

Allow me to lift the wool from your eyes and reveal the telltale signs of a loser. First off, you have to look past the well-packaged exterior and investigate what is inside. If you are the type to fall fast for a handsome face, your Lose-O-Meter will need to be recalibrated because loser’s these days have had aesthetic upgrades. Secondly you have to know that the true measure of a man does not rest in his bank account, job title, handsome face or 5-series. It rests solely in his character. And a man’s character can be seen in one very clear and unmistakable way: How he treats other people, especially those from whom he has nothing to gain.

A man of character respects others and therefore earns others respect. When you start dating someone new, ask yourself this; how does he treat the man refilling his drink? The girl he has no interest in? The friend that is in trouble? A real man does the right thing even when no one is watching. When a loser does something selfless he makes a public service announcement.

A man of character displays strength and discipline. A Player has neither.

A man of character knows the value of a good woman. A Bad Boy does not.

And a man of character is in complete control of his emotions. A Jerk let’s his run his life.

If you want to know if a man is worth his salt, don’t size him up by the clothes he wears, the people he knows, or the places he travels. Those things are trivial and don’t represent worth. Any fool with a Visa can buy a Rolex or fly across the globe. A real man is defined by his integrity and good nature; if he is true to his word, if he is moral in his beliefs, and if he is confident enough to carry them out.

Next time you meet a man that you find interesting, don’t be so easily won over by his attractive exterior. Instead dig deeper and find out what kind of person exists beneath the surface. Because like Amy, you may waste years thinking that you are dating the total package, when in reality the guy may just be a Loser in Sheik’s clothing.

For more on what to look for in a man, visit my blog on Washington Life and learn, “What your “must-have” list is missing.”New! As of September 27, 2011 – You can follow me on Twitter @iamJessMcCann or you can email me for a consultation here.
Continue reading

Share
Posted in Cheating, Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

He Gives You Butterflies: But does that flutter in your stomach mean it’s love or something else?

datephoto“I wish I liked him more. He’s so sweet and thoughtful. He is always on time. He calls when he says he will. And I’m not worried about being hurt this time. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted…but I don’t want him!” she cried.

I was sitting on my couch with Raquel, a client I’d been coaching for only a few months. She had been dating Anthony, a software developer with a small start up business, for only a few weeks. When she had met Anthony, she had just broken up with Jay, her on-and-off boyfriend of three years. She was trying to move on but she was having great difficulty. Raquel’s former relationship was filled with highs and lows. She and Jay were hot and heavy one minute and not speaking to each other the next. Their chemistry was great, but their communication was not. Despite all the head butting though, Raquel was deeply in love with Jay and always thought he was the one. Why they couldn’t just make it work, frustrated her to no end.

Now she was dating Anthony – a guy that made her feel good about herself. A man that wanted to hear her point of view and valued her opinion. Things that, over time, Jay had lost interest in. Besides that, Anthony was cute! He was tall, he had a great body, and he had these adorable dimples that came out whenever he laughed. So why wasn’t Raquel feeling it?

“I keep thinking if I give it more time, I will like him more. But I just don’t get that rush of excitement like I did when I was around Jay. I don’t feel the butterflies,” she told me.

“Is that what you think love feels like? Having your stomach always tied up in knots?” I asked.

Raquel wasn’t sure how to answer.

“I just know that for three years, I had butterflies with Jay. My heart even flutters when I think about him now! Doesn’t that mean something? Isn’t that true love?”

“No,” I told her. “Butterflies after three years of being someone that you couldn’t get along with, does not mean it was true love. It means it was exciting – and it was exciting because Jay was unpredictable. He would spend a whole weekend with you and then not call you for three days. You never knew when you would see or hear from him again and that is why your heart always jumped when he came around. Not because it was true love.”

Adult Love: What does it feel like?

Everyone likes the feeling of falling in love. It’s a beautiful high that carries you throughout your day. It makes average living more lively. It turns the mundane into something remarkable. And when you come in contact with the object of your affection, the rush is nothing short of intoxicating.

We’ve all felt this way at one time or another. My husband gave me the such bad butterflies I could hardly eat around him. Ask him if I have that problem now though, and he’d probably break into a fit of laughter. Eating more now doesn’t mean I love him less, on the contrary, I love him more today than I did the day I married him. But real love doesn’t make you feel so nervous that you may lose your lunch. It feels like something ten times better and a lot less nauseating.

When love is the lasting kind, you don’t feel like you are standing on the edge of a 400 foot cliff (I should know, I’ve actually stood there.) Sure, you may get the butterflies in the beginning but when love is real, it goes deeper than, as Lindsay Lohan put it in Mean Girls, “feeling like your stomach is going to fall out of your butt.” It feels like home. Like a warm cozy room with a fire place. It’s happy. It’s safe, and I’m elated to say, it’s super comfortable. No, you don’t get tongue-tied around your partner after so many years – but you do feel a rush of utter happiness when they walk through the door after a long workday and you would absolutely jump in front of a moving bus if it meant saving them from any harm.

Keeping the Butterflies Alive

Some people mistakenly fight off real love. Have you ever known someone that religiously breaks off every one of their relationships at the same time point in time? Maybe they hit the seven month mark and suddenly decide they “aren’t feeling it” anymore. Or perhaps once the chase ends and commitment begins, they start to lose interest? These people are what experts call, “love junkies” – they chase the high that comes when you start to fall in love, and once they come down from it, they either create turmoil to get the high back, or they move on to someone else to create it all over again. They unknowingly prevent themselves from ever getting to the true love phase. Raquel had become an love junkie, which is why she was still couldn’t let go over her tumultuous past relationship and fall in love with someone stable. If a guy didn’t give her cardiac arrest, she was convinced it meant she didn’t like him. The truth is that Raquel and most love junkies are addicted to the feeling of excitement that uncertainty brings. Not knowing if someone liked her, not knowing when they would call or want to see her again, drove Raquel nuts. It made her feel extremely low. That’s why when the phone finally did ring, the high was so great, it felt like a full on episode of “When Butterflies Attack.” Her relationship with Jay was always in a state of flux, so the butterflies never went away, and she always assumed it meant it was love.

If you are like Raquel and you think a relationship is boring without ups and downs, then you are still dating with a high school mentality. If you are still attracted to guys that aren’t good for you because they keep you on edge, realize that you will be signing up for a stormy relationship, and later a rocky marriage. Yes, you get a rush of adrenaline when after three days and no calls, your phone rings. It’s exciting when you are dating, but it will be hell when you’re married. You don’t want to be at home, pregnant and wonder where your husband is, do you? How your relationship functions right now, is how it will be after you’ve walked down that aisle. Men that are unpredictable (my nice way of saying unreliable), don’t miraculously transform into steady and dependable husbands once they wed. If you have been with someone for years and you still aren’t able to fully relax and be comfortable with them, you aren’t in love… you’re an addict.

Raquel was so used to her roller coaster relationship with Jay, that the stable happy one she had with Anthony seemed lackluster… that is until Anthony broke up with her for not appreciating him.

My advice for any love junkies out there. Be careful chasing butterflies. The good, dependable guy in front of you isn’t boring. You are just strung out. If you need some excitement in your life, don’t get it from boys. Sign up for skydiving. It’s a lot less dangerous.


Inquire about one on one coaching through my website at www.jessmccann.com/contact

For more tips on landing the guy you want, make sure you read “You Lost Him at Hello.”
Continue reading

Share
Posted in Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website, Relationship book, Relationship Coach, Relationship Problems, Relationship website, Troubled Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments

When someone first shows you who they are, believe them: How Maya Angelou can save you from certain heartache

believehimI had only been dating Palmer for a few months but I already knew I really liked him. I was twenty-one at the time and just finishing up my last year of college. Palmer avidly pursued me. I’d run into him at clubs and parties and he’d always slip away from his date and plead with me to go out with him. I thought it was exciting and romantic. I thought he was exciting and romantic. Finally after months of asking, I obliged a dinner invite and we ended up at restaurant near school. He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors and pulling out chairs. He paid for dinner and asked if he could kiss me goodnight. That date sealed the deal for me. I was falling for him.

A few months into our relationship, Palmer decided to enroll in my school. He had taken a few years off to wait tables and save money. I could tell he was nervous about his first day because he spent an extra ten minutes in the bathroom doing his hair and asked my opinion on three different shirts. When we got in the car and headed out to school Palmer was very quiet. He didn’t even turn on the radio. I reached over and rubbed back a little. “Hey,” I said. “Don’t be nervous. Everything is going to be great.” I wasn’t expecting the reaction I got.

“Get off of me,” he said with irritation.

An alarm went off in my head. I heard it. I tried to make sense of it. Why would he be upset with me? Why would he be annoyed at me for being supportive? I was confused. I looked at Palmer for a few seconds, hoping he would realize what he had said and apologize. But he didn’t. He just kept driving.

That was the moment that Palmer showed me who he really was. It was also the moment I chose to ignore it.

I continued dating Palmer for several more months and I can honestly say without a doubt it was the most emotionally exhausting, confidence wrecking relationship of my life. He was a moody, selfish person that threw anger tantrums if he didn’t get his way. He was also a womanizer that needed endless attention in order to feed his ego. At the time though, I blamed myself, thinking I was not good enough and couldn’t make him happy. That’s what happens when you don’t listen when someone tells you who they are. You get in too deep and you can no longer see them clearly. That day in the car I heard the alarm bells and knew that he had issues. But as I continued to date him, his issues disappeared and mine began to develop.

I have always loved Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.” Over the years I’ve realized the importance of this message as it saves you wasted time believing in false hope that people will become who you want them to be. Who are we to tell them who to be anyway? All of us have been told at some point in our lives that people don’t change, so to some of you perhaps Maya Angelou’s quote may not be as profound a statement. But I think that the emphasis here is not to simply believe someone when they show you who they are, it is to believe them when they FIRST show you. That is the crux of the message. For if you ignore it the first time, you will lock yourself in for a long ride ending in disappointment. Had I gotten out of the car that day and decided that Palmer’s reaction was not normal, not nice, and not fine with me, I could have saved myself many months of heartache and many years of self-doubt.

Today I’m blessed to be happily married to my wonderful husband. I learned a great deal from my prior relationships and thankfully I was able to self-improve instead of self-destruct. But I was fortunate. I had good family, great friends, and God and the Universe somehow pulled me through the dark times unscathed. But other people have not been so lucky. So if you have been in an unsatisfying relationship because you’ve been ignoring your partners true self, open your eyes and start to see what they’ve been telling you all along.

Update: Over a decade later, Palmer is still in school, still waiting tables and still throwing anger tantrums.

For one on one dating or relationship advice, contact Jess McCann at www.jessmccann.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @IamJessMcCann

For tips on landing the guy you want, pick up a copy of my books, Was It Something I Said? and “You Lost Him at Hello”,

Photo : http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125 Continue reading

Share
Posted in Dating Coach, Dating Tips, Dating Website | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments