Are You Misinterpreting His Feelings? : The 3 things you should know about loving your guy

Dating tips, dating men, single womanI remember in high school the very distinct feeling that I would never understand men. The boys I had dated long-term in both high school and college sent me such conflicting messages that I truly believed men simply didn’t have emotions. Not like women did, anyway. After all, how can you tell someone you love them one day, and then blow them off to party with your friends the next? It seemed I was always waiting to hear how the guy felt, what he thought, and where he deemed our relationship was going. Everything was on the guys terms because I cared too much and wanted to work through anything, while they took their time mulling over the pros and cons of being with me. It was frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. I remember thinking, how in the world can I sustain a relationship with any man if they aren’t as emotionally invested as I am?!

Luckily, after I graduated college, I met and dated a boy that showed me that not all men are cut from the same cloth. He was sweet, fun, and the first real relationship I had ever had. And thanks to him, my previous philosophy on men being void of emotion completely changed. I realized there would be men in the world that would match my emotional investment, and I learned a few very key insights that helped me continue through the dating world, and end up happily married to my wonderful husband today. Had my mentality not changed on this, I might still be dating in circles right now.

Here is what I want to pass on to women who feel as I did back then.

1. Men need reassurance. I realize now, looking back, that I never really gave any love to my high school old boyfriend. I was brought up that men needed to treat me with respect. I was told they were lucky to be with me, and that I needed to keep them in pursuit. In essence, I just had to “be” in the relationship to make the guy happy and my job ended there. My poor BF brought me flowers, wrote me love notes, and met me after every class. What did I do for him? Complained if he had to stay late at practice, or decided to eat lunch with his friends one day out of the week. Sadly, it didn’t dawn on me until later in life that my job wasn’t to just receive love from a guy, it was to give love to him, too. And that included positive affirmations of my feelings – which I never gave anyone because it was drilled into my head that I was to keep them in hot pursuit at all times. But at some point, the chase has to end for the relationship to really begin.

2. Not all men are created equal. Yes, there are guys out there that are jerks, players, or narcissists, and they do not know how to be in a relationship with anyone. But there are also men that are kind, loving, supportive, yet still strong and masculine. I went into a lot of my younger relationships expecting to be let down and hurt because that is what the guy before and the guy before did. However, assuming this made me defensive and suspicious. In other words, a real joy to be around! I spent a lot of time overreacting to certain situations that warranted no reaction at all because I just assumed all men were the same. If one had wronged me in the past, it was only a matter of time that the current one would too. Letting go of Continue reading

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School of Love : Are you flunking out?

businesswoman

My client, Julie (not her real name,) is a stunner. Men zero in on her the minute she enters a room. She’s got tons of charisma and knows how to flirt like a pro. She never has a shortage of dates. But Julie cannot hold down a boyfriend from more than three months. Three months and the guy moves on to someone else. When she decided to sign up for date consulting, she was 31 years old and void of all hope that she would ever marry.

“I don’t know why I am so unlucky in love,” she told me. “Nothing ever works out for me. I meet guys all the time. You would think at least one would turn into something, but it never does.” Julie was baffled. Her friends told her she was cursed. Her mom told her she was too pretty and intimidating. Her Dad said she was picking the wrong guys.

The truth is, Julie’s big problem was actually fear. Deep down, she was terrified she would end up alone. Whenever she started dating someone, she immediately began treating them as if they were her boyfriend. She would assume “this is it” with every guy she met. She assumed they were in love with her because they had asked for her phone number. She assumed they wanted to spend all their time with her, without really even knowing her. And she assumed whenever they didn’t do exactly what she wanted, they would leave her – and she would immediately get angry and frustrated with them.

Julie had no idea that she was unconsciously sabotaging her relationships. Once we pinpointed the problem, Julie’s work was just beginning. Today, she has to constantly work at keeping her fear at bay. It’s not easy to do, but she has a plan in place and is working on it. Without identifying this problem and working at the solution daily, Julie would keep dating the way she always had, and getting the results she always got.

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