Last week the full moon was in full swing. I received five emails from women, all with the EXACT same relationship problem. It wasn’t an uncommon problem at all, in fact, their issue was one that I see repeatedly in new budding relationships. But for five different women, in five different locations in the U.S., ranging in ages from 19-40, all to have the same woe in the same week, said one thing loud and clear: Save other women from making this mistake, because make it they will.
In a nutshell here is what their email said:
Dear Jess, I have a problem with anxiety when it comes to men. I have always had this problem, but recently it’s been getting worse. I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks now and we just recently had sex. Ever since we did it, I’ve been worried he’s going to lose interest in me. I’m checking my phone constantly to see if he’s called and if he doesn’t text for a few hours, I start to freak out. I think I’m going to drive him away but I don’t know how to get my crazy mind under control. Help!
You may have heard before that having sex too soon with a guy is not a good idea, but what you may not know is that the worry and anxiety you have afterwards is actually a BIGGER problem than the actual sex. Yes, doing the deed in the first few weeks can put your relationship in jeopardy, but the worry will without a doubt, spread like terminal cancer causing it inevitable death. This is because anxiety will lead you to make all decisions out of fear instead of from your heart and your true self – That alone will give off a desperate vibe and cause you to behave in a way that is unauthentic. This is what typically ends up chasing men away more than anything else. Guys can sometimes overlook having sex a bit too soon under certain circumstances, but they can never fall in love with the panic-striken girl that has taken your place.
So, if you are in a situation where you’ve slept with a guy once and are now completely paranoid about losing him, here are a few things you can do:
1. Do not sleep with him again. If he tries to sex with you again, tell him you aren’t sorry you did it the first time because it was great in the moment, but you feel it was a little too soon and need more time to get to know him. Explain that sex is not something you take lightly and therefore, you want to be sure the relationship is solid before going any further physically.
2. Don’t make this a game of “get him to like me.” You have to be able to distinguish the difference between your ego wanting this guy to like you so you don’t feel rejected after giving up your goods, and the real you finding a good match. Your ego doesn’t care if this man is right for you or not, but it will hunger for his attention simply because you slept with him. This often makes women THINK they are in love. The truth is if you have only been dating someone for a few weeks, you still have a lot of getting-to-know-you to do. How can you be sure that he has all the qualities you want in a man? You cannot determine his character in three weeks. So instead of solely thinking about how you are going to get him to stay interested (which is your ego talking), focus on really learning about him and who he is. Pay attention to how he treats others, his family and friends. Get to know him on a deeper level so you can really see if he is right for you.
3. Going forward, use the Mirror theory. Whatever actions or behavior he displays, mirror them back. If he is slow to text you, be slow to respond. If he is keeps his emails short and to the point, you do the same. If you feel him distancing himself, you distance yourself. This is so that the relationship remains balanced. Even if you are dying to text him because he has disappeared for two days, do not do it. Recognize that your ego is the one driving your emotions in that moment and you would be contacting him purely out of fear he has lost interest. And again, decisions made out of fear always end up being poor ones.
Lastly, and most importantly Continue reading
When should I text him back? Does he like me or is he just looking for a hook-up? How do I bring up the “relationship talk?” If you are a single gal in today’s dating world, you have undoubtedly searched for answers to these questions as well as hundreds of others. In the past you may have asked family and friends for their two cents on how to handle a guy, however these days you probably go straight to the number one source for all information – Google. Yes, unbeknown to even your closest confidants, you have been asking Google for help with your relationship. Why not? It’s so simple. You just type into the search bar, How do I find a boyfriend? and poof! Thirty billion answers await you! Wait. Thirty billion is a lot of answers.
You’ve posed a simple question, but you have not gotten the simple response you were looking for. Instead you find yourself sorting and skimming dozens of blogs, articles, and videos all to figure out how to respond to his ambiguous text message. You just want the answer to your specific question. Why is that so difficult?!? (Insert cry of frustration.)
I have very good news for you. You can now get the specific advice you need without having to read pages and pages of unrelated or irrelevant information. You can get your dating advice, a la carte! Similar to how itunes saved you from having to buy a whole album to get those 2-3 songs that you love, I’ve compiled the most popular dating and relationship questions and put all the answers in one place. My new book, Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas is different from all other relationship books because it uses Question & Answer format so that you can easily find the advice you are looking for. The Table of Contents is laid out just like an Index; every question listed with a page number.
Here is a sample of some of the questions in the Table of Contents:
When should I text him?
How do I get him to stop texting and start calling?
Can I turn my one-night stand into a relationship?
How do I tell him I’m not ready for sex? Will he lose interest if I don’t have sex with him?
Can I add him as a friend on Facebook?
How do I strike up a conversation with him?
Can I ask about his past relationships? How do I bring that up?
How do I get my hook-up to take me on a real date?
Why did he suddenly become distant? What do I do now?
How should I react when he cancels on me?
The best part about this Q&A book is that you will get specific advice on how to approach each scenario. In many instances, I give you the actual wording needed so you can have smooth conversations with your guy and achieve the best possible outcome for yourself and your relationship. So many women struggle to find the best way to say something, but now you can get all the tools you need to handle love’s challenges, big or small![caption id="attachment_1685" align="alignleft" width="145"] Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann[/caption]
And for those who asked How do I find a boyfriend, be sure to look out for the NEW REVISED and EXPANDED EDITION of You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to I Do – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, out in February 2013.
[caption id="attachment_1590" align="alignleft" width="300"] Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net[/caption]
Katherine, who is 24, is desperate to get her boyfriend back. He broke up with her over the summer, and although he still keeps in touch with her via text and Facebook, he’s already moved on to someone else. Katherine has spent multiple days on my coaching couch crying, while desperately trying to form a plan to reconcile their relationship. She cannot accept it is over between them. The interesting thing is, their relationship was far from perfect. In fact, Katherine complained about her ex constantly when they were together. He didn’t share her interests, he wasn’t affectionate enough, and he spent too much time playing video games. On several occasions, she was publicly embarrassed when he made comments that showed his obvious lack of understanding on current events, and he would become insensed whenever Katherine pointed it out to him. Naturally the question I posed to her was, if they didn’t get a long very well when they were together, why was she so intent on getting him back? Did she really love her boyfriend? Or did she just hate the thought of losing him to someone else?
In my younger years, I remember asking myself that very same question. When I learned my high school boyfriend, with whom I had broken up with, began dating someone else, I too began reconsidering my decision to end things. Looking back now it’s clear to me though, that I didn’t love him, I just hated losing him to another girl. A girl that I worried was prettier, smarter, or just generally better than me. The thought of them being happy together, while I was alone and miserable, made me angry. Not because I loved him, but Continue reading