How many of you have ever been in the situation where you know you shouldn’t call or text a guy back, but for some irrational and illogical reason, you go against your own sound judgment and do it anyway? Maybe he said he would call one night, but didn’t. Or maybe he’s disappeared on you for a few days and he’s suddenly come back. Whatever the reason is that he is contacting you now, you know that dating etiquette would tell you to either send him to voicemail, or let him hang in textual limbo. Maybe you leave him there for good, or maybe just for a night. Whatever the specifics of your situation are, you know that the right move is to not call or text him back right away.
But somehow the right move just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t sit well. It’s like day old pizza in your stomach. You can tolerate it for a little while but sooner or later you have to do something about it. Every book out there will tell you it’s perfectly okay not to return his call. In fact, many will say that it will only help you gain the upper hand. So why can’t we follow this one little-bitty, time tested, widely known piece of advice?
Not Calling is Tougher than Calling
While you are waiting for his call, a tremendous amount of angst builds up inside of you. You are stressed, nervous, sad, and angry all at the same time. It’s emotional overload. You walk around with a cloud over your head, and no matter what else you do to keep yourself occupied, it’s still there.
Until that phone rings. Then suddenly all that emotional build up is wiped away. Thank God! He’s called (or in many cases, texted.) You are satisfied for the moment. That will teach him to make you wait. But then, not ten minutes later all the angst is back. Now the ball is in your court. It’s up to you to make the right decision. You have all the power. What if by not calling back he thinks you are a total bitch? Or what if you wait too long to call him back and he calls someone else? Someone cuter and less neurotic? What if he thinks you are mad, or worse, what if he thinks you are playing a game? Is it possible you could push him even further away at this point? Now the emotional stress is even more unbearable because it’s contingent on you. Before you only had to sit there and do nothing. That was easy. Now you have to make the right play or you could ruin everything!
What to do when you know you should not call.
For whatever reason, earlier you decided that this guy did not deserve a call back, either right away or maybe at all. While you were waiting you gathered all the evidence you needed to support your decision. You were just waiting for him to call so you could immediately start not calling him back. But once your cell lit up with his number, emotion took over, and rather than stick to your original plan, you became consumed with one thing: making yourself feeling better. The problem here is that holding out on calling him, means holding on to the stress. You’d rather call him back and be done with that, than prolong this agony. You’d rather call and lose a bit of your pride than not call and worry about it for the next three weeks. We’ve all been there, and there is no shame in that place.
The problem is that if you call or text him back, you will just be starting this vicious cycle all over again. You were finally going to stand your ground and do something different. Something he wouldn’t expect. And while you planned this all out in your head, you felt good about it. You felt powerful. And that is where you need to be. So how do you fight this urge to immediately respond? How can you win this internal battle with yourself and come out victorious?
Just when you are about to pick up that phone and make that fatal mistake, I want you to think of one thing. I want you to imagine going to your “Favorites”, pressing his name, and hearing the phone ring. I want you to imagine it ringing and ringing. And ringing some more. And then I want you to imagine the worse thing possible happening. His voicemail picks up.
Can you even fathom having to leave a message? You could hang up of course, but if he doesn’t call you back after that, then what? Then you will be in an even worse position than you are now. So you would have to leave some sort of message and then you would have to hang up and wait for him to call you back…again.
Same goes for texting. What if you text him back, and then as some guys are known to do, he doesn’t respond. The text-then-no-text is the absolute worst!
Just thinking of him not replying to you yet again should be enough of a deterrent for you. The best way to ensure that he will pick up his phone or reply to your text is to wait a long enough amount of time so that when he sees your number finally pop up he thinks, “wow, I wasn’t sure if she was going to call me! I better answer because she took a long time to respond.” At that point, he won’t want to miss his chance to talk.
So next time you are struggling with the no call back, just envision this scenario. That should keep you nice and strong for at least a few hours. Because nothing is more frustrating than waiting a week to hear from a guy, only to have him ignore your call back to him.
Check out my two books for advice on finding and keeping the guy you want.
Continue to my Advice Blogs here, or choose from some popular posts:
Do you have a burning question about hooking up, texting, or getting to commitment? Post a comment below or follow Jess on Twitter to get your answer!
Photo above is courtesy of adamr/freedigitalphotos.net Continue reading
When should I text him back? Does he like me or is he just looking for a hook-up? How do I bring up the “relationship talk?” If you are a single gal in today’s dating world, you have undoubtedly searched for answers to these questions as well as hundreds of others. In the past you may have asked family and friends for their two cents on how to handle a guy, however these days you probably go straight to the number one source for all information – Google. Yes, unbeknown to even your closest confidants, you have been asking Google for help with your relationship. Why not? It’s so simple. You just type into the search bar, How do I find a boyfriend? and poof! Thirty billion answers await you! Wait. Thirty billion is a lot of answers.
You’ve posed a simple question, but you have not gotten the simple response you were looking for. Instead you find yourself sorting and skimming dozens of blogs, articles, and videos all to figure out how to respond to his ambiguous text message. You just want the answer to your specific question. Why is that so difficult?!? (Insert cry of frustration.)
I have very good news for you. You can now get the specific advice you need without having to read pages and pages of unrelated or irrelevant information. You can get your dating advice, a la carte! Similar to how itunes saved you from having to buy a whole album to get those 2-3 songs that you love, I’ve compiled the most popular dating and relationship questions and put all the answers in one place. My new book, Was It Something I Said: The answer to all your dating dilemmas is different from all other relationship books because it uses Question & Answer format so that you can easily find the advice you are looking for. The Table of Contents is laid out just like an Index; every question listed with a page number.
Here is a sample of some of the questions in the Table of Contents:
When should I text him?
How do I get him to stop texting and start calling?
Can I turn my one-night stand into a relationship?
How do I tell him I’m not ready for sex? Will he lose interest if I don’t have sex with him?
Can I add him as a friend on Facebook?
How do I strike up a conversation with him?
Can I ask about his past relationships? How do I bring that up?
How do I get my hook-up to take me on a real date?
Why did he suddenly become distant? What do I do now?
How should I react when he cancels on me?
The best part about this Q&A book is that you will get specific advice on how to approach each scenario. In many instances, I give you the actual wording needed so you can have smooth conversations with your guy and achieve the best possible outcome for yourself and your relationship. So many women struggle to find the best way to say something, but now you can get all the tools you need to handle love’s challenges, big or small![caption id="attachment_1685" align="alignleft" width="145"] Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann[/caption]
And for those who asked How do I find a boyfriend, be sure to look out for the NEW REVISED and EXPANDED EDITION of You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to I Do – Secret Strategies from one of America’s Top Dating Coaches, out in February 2013.
In 1997, I was a Sophomore in college. My roommate transferred to VCU half way through the year and I was left living alone in the dorm. At that time, I had just started to take an interest in a well-known, well-liked soccer player named Chris. I had met him at a party and he had asked for my number. Three days later, he still hadn’t called and I remember wondering if he ever would.
I recall coming home one night that week around eleven. I had been studying with some friends in the University center. When I walked in the door I noticed the blinking light on my answering machine, indicating I had a new message. Oh, how that light made me light up. I hit the play button and eagerly waited to hear who the message was from. It was Chris. The time stamp was 4:18 pm. He was calling to say hello and asking to get together that weekend. He laughed and admitted that he had called me the day before but didn’t leave a message. He left his number and said he hoped to hear from me soon. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and Chris’s number on my cork board.
When I called Chris back the next day he was very happy to hear from me. He said he was worried that I had forgotten all about him. We got together for dinner and a movie that weekend. And that weekend turned into the next weekend, and the next weekend, and you get the picture We dated for a while and even though we parted ways after school it was a good relationship rooted in deep friendship and mutual respect.
If I was in college now this story would have probably played out very differently. Let’s go back to that voice mail.
As I said before, I waited three days for Chris to call. He did call on the second day — but I didn’t know about it. Today, that would never happen. His number would have popped up on my caller ID (if I even had a landline) or it would have been tracked on my trusty iphone. Secondly, if Chris had left a message today at 4pm, I wouldn’t have had to wait until I walked through the door at 11pm to hear it. If he left it at 4:18. I heard it at 4:19. That’s the beauty of cellular phones. No more waiting. No more wondering.