A twenty-eight year old woman sat on my couch today wanting to discuss one thing and one thing only: How could she avoid being alone forever? Christy was newly single and fearing the worst for her future. Her two favorite aunts, both in their sixties, never married. Her mother, had only been briefly wed to her father, but divorced before Christy’s second birthday. She was surrounded by smart, beautiful and educated women who had never found true love, and it scared her to death to think she would follow in their footsteps.
This is probably the biggest fear most single women have these days. Ironically, it is the fear itself that ends up keeping them from finding themselves a good partner and having a healthy relationship. Living in a state of fear, no matter what it’s from or what form it takes (paranoia, anxiety, anger to name a few), radiates an extremely stressful and tense persona. When your daily thoughts are consumed with fear, ask yourself the question, how can a man fall in love with me in this condition?
Many men want to find love, settle down, and start a family. I would say most men prefer this path. But they want to find a partner who is happy, loving, and confident. And being fearful all the time does not allow you to be any of those things. Perhaps you are waiting for the relationship to come so that you will stop being fearful and start being happy, loving, and confident. However, this is not a chicken and egg scenario. The relationship cannot come first. Content from within does. Only then will you be in a place that is able to attract another person.
How do you stop the fear?
To quote my favorite author, Eckhart Tolle, “Psychological fear is divorced from any real danger. You are here and now but your mind is in the future. You can always cope with the present moment, Continue reading
When I was a little girl my father would come home every night at six o’clock. I would wait patiently by the front door, nose pressed against the glass, trying to catch the first glimpse of his old brown LeBaron coming up the street. He would walk in the door all smiles and grab me in his arms to hug and kiss me hello. At dinner he would commend my accomplishments of the day, possibly a finger painting or some sort of holiday diorama. He’d tuck me into bed promptly at eight but not before reading a passage or two from one of my favorite books. I never felt unloved, never felt unimportant, never felt anything but safe and happy.
I thought all children felt this way for a very long time. It wasn’t until I was in sixth grade that I realized not every girl had a father like mine. I remember going over to a friend’s house for the first time after school one day. My mother let me stay for dinner and I was shocked that the family started eating without their Dad. In fact, my friends’ father didn’t come home until much later and we were already back to playing downstairs in the basement. I heard his heavy footsteps and deep voice through the floor. I stopped playing Nintendo, expecting my friend to spring to her feet at any moment to greet him. But she didn’t flinch.
“Don’t you want to go see your Dad?” I asked her.
“No.” She said quite firmly. “I hate him. He’s mean.”
Her words were so jarring I didn’t know what to make of them. How could she hate her Dad? I became so curious to meet the man of the house I made up the excuse of wanting some water. My friend walked me back up stairs where we found her Dad eating at the dinner table, buried behind a newspaper. She didn’t acknowledge him as she walked by. He didn’t acknowledge her either. On our way back from the kitchen, her Dad abruptly tossed his paper to the side.
“Did you clean that hamster cage yet like I told you to?” Her Dad asked without looking up from his meal.
“Yes.” My friend answered.
I stood there, behind my friend, just starring at her father. What was going on here? Why wasn’t he so happy to see her? Why wasn’t he asking about her day? Didn’t he want to know who I was? My mind raced with questions, but I didn’t dare ask any of them. Instead I took them home and thought on them some more. Was her father always late for dinner? Did he usually read the paper at the table? Did he ever hug my friend? Why did she say she hated him?
As my friend and I grew closer I learned more about her Dad and their relationship. He worked for an Insurance company, a job he hated, but he also coached girl’s basketball at the community center. He was a huge fan of the game and spent all of his free time on the court. And, of course, he enrolled his only daughter to play on the team. My friend was not athletic. Truthfully, she hated sports. She was into music and art. But her father wouldn’t hear of her quitting, in fact, if she complained too much he would ground her. So every weekend was filled with practice and games, which made my friend miserable.
Their relationship was not warm and loving. It was based on fear and resentment. Her father ruled with an iron fist, and his word was not to be challenged. He didn’t want to know his daughter, he just wanted her to fall in line.
The choices you make today…
You may be living the life of a single girl now, but one day your role will change. One day you will be a wife, and eventually a mother. The man you chose for a partner, will not only be your husband, but the father of your children. To think that far ahead is hard for some of us, but it’s a critical that we do so. You are not only choosing a man for yourself, you are choosing a man that will head your entire household. You cannot think only of the relationship you will have with him. You must also consider the relationship he could have with your son or daughter. So before you say yes to any man, you must ask yourself, “what kind of father will he be?”
My friend didn’t chose her Dad. She had no say in the relationship she was going to have with him. She was innocently born into this family and had no power to change the way she was raised. But her mother did have a choice. Her mother made the decision to marry him. Years ago, when they were merely dating, she ignored the fact that he could be cold at times. She disregarded his moody and abrasive personality. My friend’s mom was in love and wanted to get married. Even if he wasn’t exactly perfect, her mom thought she was strong enough to deal with her Dad’s long list of shortcomings.
But never did she think about how her daughter would handle them.
What are the repercussions?
Studies show that children, especially girls, are greatly effected by their relationship with their father. An active, involved Dad, one who provides a loving and supportive environment, will breed well adjusted, happy children. A detached, antagonistic Dad, can breed just the opposite. Children can grow up to be angry, distrusting, excessively insecure and wildly promiscuous.
Maybe you are dating someone right now that has a bad temper. Or maybe he flakes on you whenever you really need him. Maybe he’s too cocky to show his feelings. Or maybe he just makes you feel inadequate, unimportant and sad. Maybe you are actually considering marrying this man. Before you do, think about this: If he makes you, a grown woman feel this way, how do you think he will make your five-year-old feel?
Who you marry is your choice. Just remember that your kids will reap the benefits or suffer the consequences based on that decision. So Chose wisely.
If you are uncertain about the guy in your life, Continue reading
OMG. I’m engaged. I know people get engaged everyday but for me this is truly extraordinary. I know I probably shouldn’t sound so shocked, in fact, some of you may even wonder how I can so confidently advise other women on how to find and keep a man if I didn’t think I was going to do it myself – but let me explain. I was never that girl growing up that dreamed about her wedding day. I never draped a pillow case over the back of my head and paraded around the living room pretending to be a bride. My approach to love has always been more… realistic. Which in some ways is good. It led me to the discovery that sales techniques could be applied to dating, which both empowered me and allowed me to have healthy, positive relationships. It led to writing my book, “You Lost Him at Hello” and that, of course, led to a satisfying career as a dating coach. Those are the positives. The negatives would be that I realized that I was a stubborn, critical, and abnormally picky person. I realized that relationships, no matter how symbiotic, are going to always include compromise. Most importantly, I realized “’til death do us part” is a long, long commitment to make. The truth is, I was very comfortable telling everyone else how to get married, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it myself…
I remember every moment about the night I first met Erik. I remember talking to him for all of thirty seconds when this light bulb went off in my head. There is something about this guy, I thought. After knowing him only a week, I texted my best friend in San Diego and told her, “I think I just found my future husband.”
You know how most women say, ‘My husband is nothing like who I thought I would marry.’ Well, it’s completely eerie to say this, but Erik is exactly who I had been looking for my whole life. It’s as though I concocted him in my head and God said, “Here you go!” I told myself many years ago that I would roll solo through life rather than settle, and quite frankly when I hit thirty, I thought that would be my path. But in January of 2008 I took some advice that changed that plan.
How I found the love of my life Continue reading