Where is this going? How to figure out your future by investigating his past.

meadowYou’ve been out with him several times. Seven dates to be exact. He texts a lot, but hardly calls. You see him on weekends but not both nights. He’s good about being consistent, but there have been a few times when he’s dropped off the earth. You like him, he seems to like you, but the relationship just doesn’t seem to want to take off. You feel like you are in a constant state of limbo. Your friends have their theories. He’s taking things slow. He’s just shy. You are expecting too much! But none of those hypotheses really resonate with you. How long can you really keep going this way? It’s starting to drive you mad. Should you get ready to hunker down for a nice long relationship, or renew your Match.com subscription? What’s it going to be!!

Ever felt this way? Most women do. It’s frustrating when you don’t know where you stand. Some guys are just tough to read. Their intentions aren’t clear, or you like them so much that you just can’t be objective. Or maybe he’s saying all the right things, but his action prove the contrary. In cases like this there is only one solution. I know I’ve said it before and I will say it again. The best indicator of the future is in the past. If you want to know where this is going, you need to find out where he’s been.

My friend Petra had been dating a guy for two months. She felt like she was on the cusp of getting a serious commitment. She was seeing the guy twice a week and felt like it was about time to bump it up to three times. Then another month passed without any change in frequency. She was stumped. Why didn’t he want to see her more? Why was he keeping her at bay? So she decided to dig into his past a bit for answers.

One night, while out at dinner, she inquired about his past relationships. In a very casual way she asked, “How many serious relationships have you been in?” To her shock, her date who was thirty-three years old said, “Only one.” Petra sat there stunned and then asked, “Well, how long did that last?” She thought, maybe he was with the same girl for ten years and in that case, I know he can commit. But she didn’t get that answer. The answer she got stunned her further. “About six months.” He said. Petra was more than confused. Nothing made sense. He was thirty-three years old and only had one relationship lasting six months? Needless to say, it was a bit abnormal. Knowing this about him was disheartening on one hand, but comforting on the other. Well, it’s not me, she thought. Obviously her guy had problems settling down which was his problem, not hers.

Of course her date made his argument. He’s just never met anyone that made him want to commit. But when she really dug into his past she realized quickly that time and time again he always put his career aspirations and hunger for power and money before anything else… including his own family.

“His mother died while he was on a ski trip with business associates. Instead of leaving immediately for the funeral, he stayed through the week as planned and just sent flowers. I thought that was super cold.”

If that doesn’t tell you what kind of man he is, I don’t know what will.

Sometimes we hear things that are fishy, like not attending the funeral of your own mother, and even though it strikes us as odd, we ignore it. We think to ourselves, well that doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with this man. That is where most women go wrong. It has everything to do with your relationship. It tells you what kind of person he is. It tells you about his character. It tells you what you have to look forward to.

I remember dating a guy many years ago that I thought had some potential. He was cute, nice and pretty smart. Then one day I asked him about his past relationships and he told me that his ex girlfriend cheated on him over and over again throughout the two years they were dating. When I asked him why he didn’t end it he said he believed she would change. That raised a big red flag in my mind. This guy didn’t have the confidence to stand up to his cheating girlfriend? Was he that much of a doormat? Did he not respect himself enough to find someone that treated him with respect? After that night I began to see him in a different light. Today, I’m married to someone else! Someone who would never tolerate cheating – from others or from himself.

If you are dating someone, make sure you probe into their past. It will tell you a great deal about their future. Sure, some people grow up and reform themselves, but you have to ask the right questions to find out if that is the case. Don’t shrug off stories that make you question him. Don’t ignore the red flags. Don’t try to validate why he did something you would normally find unacceptable. This is the best way to find out who someone truly is. Instead of listening to your heart, listen to him. Continue reading

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