Hi Jess,

I read your post about “The Chase” (and being dissatisfied when it’s over once the guy you’ve been pursuing shows genuine interest- like I thought I wanted!) That’s my issue. I want to know where you think this stems from and how I can correct that mindset (if I should) so that I can be in a happy, healthy, lasting relationship (not just with men, but with people in general). I didn’t always have this subconscious mindset, and I can’t remember when it changed, or if it was there all along and only in recent years I’ve become aware of it.

Thanks so much for your time.

Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

I’ll start by answering your questions in reverse order. First off, no you didn’t always have this mindset. It is not something any of us are born with, but it is something that frequently develops overtime. You asked if you should break it? Well, let’s put it this way, if you don’t stop being dissatisfied with men who are interested in you, that means you either won’t ever get married or you will marry someone that does not genuinely like you. Both sound like unfavorable outcomes, don’t you think? If you want a happy, healthy, relationship then as obvious as this sounds, you need to be happy and healthy yourself. This mentality, which I call The Curse, and is the subject of my third book, causes you to only look for what is not right or what is not happening in your life. This mindset keeps you focused on that which is lacking, completely disregarding what you already have or what is easy to come by. Why? One, because we live in an instantly gratifying world and especially if we’ve had parents that contribute to this mentality by either giving us whatever we want, or the opposite, making us always want from them. We have trained our minds to be this way for so long that by the time we are adults it is just automatic. The minute we obtain something we spend little time in a state of gratitude for it, and instead, immediately jump to, “what else?” or “what’s next?”. This is what leads us to chasing men. Once a guy likes you, you don’t spend any time appreciating him because you have not learned to be grateful in your own life. The second reason is that this Cursed mindset doesn’t really seek love. It only seeks validation of self. Meaning, you think you are looking for love, but what you are really looking for is a boost in self-esteem. And men who lavish you with interest are nice for a day, but after just a short time, you get restless with them because you know they like you and that boost they initially gave you has waned. So you go looking for someone else. Someone who won’t let that feeling fade for you. A guy that keeps stringing you along for instance. One who’s interest ebbs and flows. This kind of man will constantly keep you chasing him and therefore, every time you have a small win with him (like he calls after so many days of not calling), your self-esteem gets another boost.

How do you break this mindset so that you can get married, have babies, and ride off happily into the sunset? I won’t lie to you. It is a process that takes time. There are many ways to break the Curse. The first way is just to simply be aware of it. Next time a man disappears on you, or lets you down, instead of thinking, “what can I do to get him re-interested?” (which is you looking for validation of yourself and your worth), think, “this guy is obviously flaky and I’m seeing a flaw in his character.” Likewise, the next time a guy shows you he likes you, instead of thinking “ugh, he’s too into me”, think, “I’m so grateful that he appreciates me and that someone really likes me!”

Be aware in other aspects of your life were your thoughts gravitate to what you don’t have. With your job. Your friends. Your wardrobe. Your body. If you are the type that is always shopping because you never have enough, always gossiping because you thrive on drama, or always pursuing the next job, promotion, award, or accolaide, it it very possibly that you are also only attracted to men (or women) who aren’t available and really don’t care about you. Being cogniscient of your thought patterns will help you slowly change them and begin to break the horrible mindset of the Curse.

For more on The Curse, check my website or amazon periodically. It is scheduled to be released later this year.

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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