This blog is an oldie but a goodie! I last posted it in 2009, so for anyone who hasn’t read it yet, enjoy!
Your are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”
Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.
And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.
I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.
Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men that they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely, and essentially use them when they want to. Those same women often come crying to me when a man does the same thing to them. These girls bounce back and forth between men that like them but have no interest in, and men that they like but can’t pin down. Ironically, these women cannot see the writing on the wall when a man is only with them out of convenience. They make up excuses for sporadic behavior. If he doesn’t call for a week, but then suddenly texts while he’s out on a Friday night, they believe it means he’s suddenly come around! He was just busy all week with his stressful work schedule. The truth is that guys will use you in the same way you use them. In order to find love and happiness you must stop the cycle of use. It’s the most anti-love action possible. How is it fair that you waste that nice boy’s time but then fall to pieces when another guy does it to you? The Universe will absolutely bring you what you deserve and if it knows you are only hanging out with someone because you are lonely, it will not blink at handing you the same scenario. Don’t waste your time on men that are not interested in you and don’t waste someone else’s time either. Getting involved with men who make you chase them can do a terrible number on your self-esteem. Unbalanced and unloving relationships chip away at your heart and by the time you find a guy that really likes you, you don’t know how to act. You don’t know how to really be in a healthy relationship because, thus far, in your past there has only been use. If you don’t like someone, don’t waste their time. And if a guy doesn’t seem crazy about you, do yourself a big favor and just move on to someone who is. What you put out to the world is what you will get back. Be kind and loving to men and they will be kind and loving to you.
When a girl likes a guy, she will put up with a lot. Flaking on phone calls, cancelling plans, and even dropping hints that a long term relationship may not be in the cards. Every day I receive emails from women who are desperately seeking advice on how to deal with the object of their affection and frustration. While I can give tips and techniques on how to get him to initiate more texts, or how to have that relationship talk, the real question here is why do so many women want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly frustrates and disappoints them?
1. You Only Really Like The Outside. He may be 6’2, drive a Benz, and have a wicked cute smile, but he also cancels at the last minute, waits days to call, and keeps you on edge at all times. You want him, but you also can’t stand him and that is because you are smitten with the exterior package he portrays. Sure, he’s good looking, charming, and funny, but those are all surface level qualities and what matters most when deciding to get involved with a man is his core character. Is he a man of his word? Is he someone who puts others first? Does he treat all people with the same respect? Most importantly, how does he make you feel when you’re with him? As I talk about in my book, Was It Something I Said?: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas, these are the more important things to consider, so when you are frustrated by your guy, ask yourself if what’s going on here is that you love the outside but hate what’s inside? Even though you may be wildly attracted to him now, after a few years of being with a man who lacks character, you won’t care how cute his butt looks in those jeans. You won’t be able to stand the sight of him.
2. He’s A Prize To Be Won. You’ve already invested a few months and although things aren’t exactly going well, you’ll be damned if you give up and walk away now. But your quest to officially land him has become more about validating yourself than it is about finding true love. When we get involved with people who are selfish or unreliable (for example) it make us question are worth. It shouldn’t, because it’s not our fault a guy lacks character, but for some reason we tell ourselves that if he liked us more, he’d behave better. So getting him to change his ways is secretly about regaining our own self-image. If we get him to like us, we think we’ll feel confident again. Sadly, however, it’s not only a lost cause because a leopard doesn’t change his spots, but when we put our self-worth in anyone’s hands but our own, it will never be safe.
3. You’re addicted To “Wanting” A Relationship. Yes, it is a real addiction just like drugs, alcohol, or designer shoe shopping. You can become addicted to wanting a relationship. Therefore you subconsciously pick people that will never give you one, and reject people that you know want one from you! After years of riding the relationship roller coaster with men, you’ve become addicted to the high’s and low’s. The safe, stable, ground seems boring and uninteresting to you. Unfortunately, real love does not feel like your riding Magic Mountain, so if you keep chasing the “wanting” feeling, you’ll never get to the real good stuff.
If you are only attracted to the wrong types of guys and constantly find yourself never satisfied with your relationships, it may be time to seek professional advice. You can contact me through my website for personal coaching, or you can pick up my two books on Amazon or at any book store.
The photo above is provided by Freedigitalphotos.net/By marin, published on 11 November 2012 Stock photo – image ID: 100112062
[caption id="attachment_1685" align="alignleft" width="138"] Was It Something I Said? By Jess McCann[/caption] Continue reading
A client of mine forwarded an article to me. I found it so interesting that I had to post it. “At one point or another, we’ve all wondered, “Why is it that the people I’m interested in are not interested in me? And the people I ignore keep contacting me?” It would be statistically improbable, if not impossible, that every time you liked someone they didn’t feel the same and vice versa. So what’s really going on here? Is this some sick joke from the Universe? I would like to introduce you to your new best friend when it comes … Continue reading