Why You Haven’t Found Your Person: Your Unconscious (and Toxic) Dating Pattern

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. Everyone around me is getting engaged. I can’t believe I’m this old and still single!”
Have you ever uttered these words? Maybe to a friend? Maybe to yourself? Have you sat there smiling at a girlfriends’ bridal shower only to secretly be thinking, “Why isn’t that me?” Are you feeling so frustrated by the lack of love in your life that you are almost ready to give up the dream of ever finding it?
If any of this sounds like you, rest assured you are not alone. There are millions of females that feel just as you do, and are struggling just as you are. Like you, they want to find their person in life, and are totally unsure as to why they haven’t yet. It wasn’t this hard for your parents, so why is so hard for you? Is it just today’s culture? Are you looking in the wrong places? Dating the wrong guys? Saying the wrong things? Whatever it is, you haven’t figured it out, so you don’t even know how to fix it.
Recently I received an email through my website that summed up all the dating woes that women seem to be feeling these days. It said, “Dear Jess. I’m so over dating I could just cry. I have joined every dating site, gone to every meetup group, and forced myself to be as friendly and engaging as possible. In the end, I may get a few dates, but they never amount to anything. It’s like the whole world has “gone casush” (short for gone casual) and no one wants a traditional relationship anymore. Is it really that things have changed so much, or is it me that’s causing these disastrous dating results?”
The answer is that yes, things have changed, but things have always been changing. Women used to get married by arrangement, and dates only took place with chaperones. That’s no longer the case, of course. Yes, times change, but honestly, love hasn’t. It’s out there and guys do want it, too. The problem I see for most girls and young women is that they have an unknown, toxic dating pattern that has them perpetually yielding the same results with guys over and over again. In fact, I’ve seen these undiscovered patterns pop up so much over the last ten years that after only speaking to someone for about an hour, I can usually indentify which one they have. In all, there are five, and some of the ramifications are as follows:
* The guys you like never like you back as much
* You get angry or frustrated with the guys you date fairly often
* You are alone (because you are pickier than most people)
* You feel like it’s just a matter of time before your relationship fails
* You feel jealous of other people’s relationships
* You can’t let go of a person or experience you’ve had in the past
which has made you untrusting and jaded
* You incessantly replay your conversations with people
* You’re always wondering where the relationship is going and then it doesn’t go anywhere
* You constantly compare yourself to other women and often feel like you are in competition with them
* You think if you were prettier/smarter/thinner you would probably be in a relationship
* You like things a very certain way to the point of perfectionism
* You need constant reassurance that someone likes you
If you can identify with any of the above listed items, it’s highly likely you have one of the 5 patterns that I’m speaking of. Now is the time to figure out what yours is specifically and correct it. I’m now offering coaching packages of 3 or 5 sessions either over the phone or through email. Send me an email at coach@jessmccann.com and ask for pricing (I promise, it’s worth it.)

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The 3 Reasons You May Be Cursed In Love

loveorlosingYou can’t believe it happened again. Another guy has disappointed you, and you’re beginning to wonder if the Universe just has it out for you. Why else would you attract another bad man into your life when all you want to do is find a good one? If this sounds like you, you may be asking yourself right now if there is something about you that is unknowingly telling men that it’s okay to lie to you…or cheat on you…or not commit to you. Whatever specific pattern keeps repeating itself in your relationships doesn’t matter because at the root of it all, bad behavior from a man boils down to one common theme: Selfishness. Doesn’t matter if he’s a liar, cheater, or a player. At the core of all those afflictions stands a man who simply cares more about himself than you. The question is, why do you keep falling for men who put themselves first?

1. Selfishness is often confused with confidence. When a guy is all about his wants and needs, he often puts up a fight to do things his way. He also spends little time asking what you want to do and simply moves forward making plans that are to his liking. To a lot of women this may seem like the guy is just being manly and taking control. After all, who doesn’t like a confident guy who knows what he wants and takes charge to get it. However, there is a fine line between confident and selfish. A confident guy will still make sure you feel heard and strive to ensure that your wants and needs are met. A selfish man will argue why his way is better. If he constantly alters plans that you’ve made, and accuses you of being the inflexible one, this man isn’t self-assured. He’s self-absorbed.

2. You are constantly seeking approval. Ever wonder why you love a challenge? Ever ask yourself why you don’t like the guys that like you? It could be that you aren’t looking for love but instead are addicted to seeking approval, and the selfish man will keep you in a constant state of that. Since you don’t realize why he never quite seems satisfied with you, your daily MO is aiming to please. It becomes a rush when he is happy and accepting of you, but a terrible let down when he doesn’t. This indicates that you are dating with your ego instead of your heart. The heart wants to find comfort and contentment, but the ego wants to seek approval and gain validation. Therefore anyone that you sense you have to “win over” is enticing. The sad part is that if you ever do triumph and conquer, you’ll just get bored and move on.

3. You cannot accept people for who they are. You would rather die than give up on him. On the outside he’s so perfectly your type, or you are so tired of being single, that the thought of letting go and moving on feels like you’re passing up on the best opportunity you’ll ever have. You think you can work on his flaws and possibly change him to be the caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person you know he can be. The hard truth is that we are back at reason 1 one for why you keep attracting the wrong guys. No matter how cute, well dressed, in shape or intellectual he is, at his core, he’s just a selfish guy. And changing that is not something you can do – he has to figure it out on his own. The best thing you can do is point it out and walk away. If he wants to work on that, let him do it on his own time and pray when he’s figured it out that you are still available.

If you think you are attracted to the wrong men, or are constantly living in an approval seeking state, it may be the very reason your relationships have not worked out thus far. Keep an eye out for my new book, The Curse: Why you can’t find or keep the love you want, coming out next year. Or contact me for personal coaching so that you can break your own “Curse” and make your next relationship the right one.

Let others know how you stopped dating the selfish man, or ask a question about it below!

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Scared to Smile at Him? How to fight the fear and use your SEE factor!

Hi Jess,
I want to say thank you. I just finished reading your book “You Lost Him At Hello”…for the second time! I didn’t realize how many things I have been doing wrong this whole time. I have always been perplexed as to why the men that I was not that interested in pursued me aggressively, meanwhile the men I was VERY interested in NEVER pursued me that way. I have spent years frustrated! Now I know it was my behavior that set the tone. Another issue I struggle with and continue to struggle with due to my fear of rejection (or fear of eyeing up another girl’s man) is the SEE factor. Do you have any advice on how to get past that fear? I am terrified that if I smile and make eye contact with a guy, he will just give me a cold stare or look away, or his girlfriend or wife will come back from the bathroom!!

Your book has definitively opened my eyes up and has given me fantastic insight into dating. Thank you so much for writing such a comprehensive, educational and enjoyable book!

Hi there!

Thank you so much for all your kind words about my book. I am so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful!
Your fear is one that is shared by many women, as I am asked this question all the time! The first thing I’ll tell you is that smiling at people, not just men, is a way for us to give love to the world. Can you imagine walking around outside and everyone has a smile on their face? How nice would that be? When you smile at someone, it’s you giving love to them in a small way and that is nothing but a nice thing! Think about how good you feel when someone smiles at you. In the romantic sense, you have to think of your smile, not as a come on, but as just a friendly gesture to a guy. Don’t make your smile something more than what it is. It’s just a smile. End of story.

Secondly, don’t worry so much about yourself, and think more about how you will make someone else feel by smiling at them. Instead of worrying about being rejected, think about how you will be brightening another persons’ day (or night) by using your SEE Factor. Men love when women smile at them! It makes them happy and even feel flattered. You have the power to make someone feel appreciated and relevant. Focus on that, and not on what may or may not happen from it. If, in the off chance, you smile at someone who does not reciprocate, you cannot think of it as a rejection because most of the time it isn’t. Typically, if someone doesn’t smile back it’s because you’ve caught them off guard or they couldn’t believe you were smiling at them and not the guy sitting behind them. It could happen that you smile at a guy who’s a bit of jerk and thinks too highly of himself to smile back, but then he’s the fool, not you. You can’t deprive other people of your smile because you are afraid to smile at the one jack-ass in a sea of good guys. As for your fear of smiling at someone who’s already involved in a relationship, remember that you are just being friendly! You aren’t passing the guy your phone number or even trying to spark a conversation. If he’s single, he will respond to you. If his taken, and his girlfriend pops out from under the table, you have still done nothing wrong.

And last, use your SEE factor on as many guys and girls as possible. If you practice smiling at almost everyone, when that one interesting man crosses your path, it won’t be so difficult to muster up the courage. A well oiled smile comes easy!

If you have a question to submit to Jess’ blog, email her at coach@jessmccann.com
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Making yourself “Break-Up Proof”

Ok, making yourself Break-Up Proof sounds impossible, right? In fact, I will admit that there is no way, no matter how smart, beautiful or successful you are, to make yourself impervious to break ups. But there are some people that do seem to handle the death of a relationship (pardon my drama), a little better than others.

I have a friend that I’ve known since college. We met when she was dating a guy named Alex. They dated for nine months and she was completely smitten with him. The problem was, Alex was smitten with anything in a short skirt. He had a terrible wandering eye. He told my friend he was in love with her, and we don’t think he ever strayed, but she just couldn’t handle Alex’s flirting. So they broke up after much debate. The next year may have been the worse of my friends life. I watched her plunge into a deep depression. For the first few months of the break up, she did nothing but sleep. She was in bed at three in the afternoon somedays. She cried at the drop of a hat, and put on about 20 pounds. Then she became obsessive about her ex’s whereabouts. She would keep in touch with his friends, and tried to hack into his email account. When her ex finally started dating another girl, she was hell bent on trying to sabotage their relationship. All in all, it was a terrible break up that consumed my friend for a good year.

Fast forward ten years. My friend now handles break ups like a champ. Whether she is doing the break up or being broken up with, doesn’t matter. Of course, she is sad, like anyone else would be, but all the craziness is gone. She doesn’t sit around the house, replaying every moment of the breakup in her head. She functions normally, goes about her workday and still hangs out with friends.

So what is it that made her change? Was it just growing up a bit? In college you are in your early twenties, and ten years later, we are all now thirty. So maybe that’s it? Or maybe Alex was just the love of her life and in the last ten years she hasn’t dated anyone she really cared about? No, I don’t think either is the answer. I know lots of women that are 40 and 50 years old and still come off break ups as bad as my college friend did. So how do you go from break up disaster, to break up proofing yourself? (As much as you can at least.)
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