It’s baffled women across the globe. We have racked our brains, asked our friends, and even consulted a professional. But no matter what we do, it seems we will never truly know why that cute single guy we met last week, who asked for our number, and seemed so interested, never called.
Yes, I have the answer. I’m not kidding. I actually feel a little silly that it took this long to figure it out. Especially being that the it’s something that I’ve always known but never made the connection. So without further adieu, here it is. The reason behind the “Can I get your number and never call you.”
To understand this phenomenon, I want you to imagine you are Christmas shopping for a nice little gift for yourself. Yes, you have been good this year and you are allowing yourself one present. So you go to Nordstrom and you see these cute shoes that will go perfectly with your New Years Eve dress. You try them on and they look even better on your feet! You walk around testing them out. You love them. You are happy you have finally found your Christmas present. You look over at the line and see that it is out of control. Ugh. The holiday season. You ask the saleswoman to hold on to the shoes so you can shop around a bit more and wait for the line to die down.
You leave the store and head straight to Starbucks to grab a drink. You head into a few other stores. Nothing too exciting. You keep going. Finally an hour passes and you find yourself at the opposite end of the mall. Your feet hurt from all the walking. Your caffeine has worn off and you sit down on one of the couches outside Urban Outfitters. The mall is going to close in thirty minutes. Should you walk all the way back to Nordstrom to get your shoes? It seems miles away now. Your car is right outside the door. You don’t want to walk all the way back to Nordstorm and then all the back to your car here. You could drive back to Nordstorm, but then you’d have to find parking all over again and it was such a pain in the ass this afternoon. Suddenly your phone rings and it’s your BFF. You tell her your shoe dilemma. She says, “Why don’t you just borrow my Manolo’s for New Years?” You think about it. Not a bad idea. You’d save money, not have to walk or drive back to Nordstrom, and you’d be wearing shoes that are new to you. “Okay,” you tell her. And with that, you’ve abandoned the shoes you promised to buy.
Just as you talked yourself out of buying those shoes, time and time again, men talk themselves out of calling women. They have the same dialogue going on in their heads — I could call her, but it is so much easier not to. If I call her, what would I say? What if she doesn’t call me back? Was she really that interested anyway? Plus my ex girlfriend called me last night and I could just call her instead. That would be easier. What seems like such a good idea at the time, often becomes less of a good idea the more you think about it.
You cannot and should not take it personally when a guy you just met doesn’t call or text you. Who knows what the reason is, but if you just recently met him, there is no possible way the reason is you. He doesn’t know you so how can he reject you? What tends to happen is just what I stated above. When a man is in the moment, and you are right in front of him, he is on a high. Adrenaline is pulsing through his veins and emotion is overriding all other factors. However, once the high dies down and he is away from the situation, logic sets in. He may start to second guess himself. He may start to talk himself out of things. He can get distracted with other priorities, and then what he had planned and promised to do gets pushed to the bottom of the list.
So don’t despair that the guy you met last night didn’t follow up on that phone call he promised. It has nothing to do with you this time around. Go buy yourself some shoes and you will soon feel better
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How many of you have ever been in the situation where you know you shouldn’t call or text a guy back, but for some irrational and illogical reason, you go against your own sound judgment and do it anyway? Maybe he said he would call one night, but didn’t. Or maybe he’s disappeared on you for a few days and he’s suddenly come back. Whatever the reason is that he is contacting you now, you know that dating etiquette would tell you to either send him to voicemail, or let him hang in textual limbo. Maybe you leave him there for good, or maybe just for a night. Whatever the specifics of your situation are, you know that the right move is to not call or text him back right away.
But somehow the right move just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t sit well. It’s like day old pizza in your stomach. You can tolerate it for a little while but sooner or later you have to do something about it. Every book out there will tell you it’s perfectly okay not to return his call. In fact, many will say that it will only help you gain the upper hand. So why can’t we follow this one little-bitty, time tested, widely known piece of advice?
Not Calling is Tougher than Calling
While you are waiting for his call, a tremendous amount of angst builds up inside of you. You are stressed, nervous, sad, and angry all at the same time. It’s emotional overload. You walk around with a cloud over your head, and no matter what else you do to keep yourself occupied, it’s still there.
Until that phone rings. Then suddenly all that emotional build up is wiped away. Thank God! He’s called (or in many cases, texted.) You are satisfied for the moment. That will teach him to make you wait. But then, not ten minutes later all the angst is back. Now the ball is in your court. It’s up to you to make the right decision. You have all the power. What if by not calling back he thinks you are a total bitch? Or what if you wait too long to call him back and he calls someone else? Someone cuter and less neurotic? What if he thinks you are mad, or worse, what if he thinks you are playing a game? Is it possible you could push him even further away at this point? Now the emotional stress is even more unbearable because it’s contingent on you. Before you only had to sit there and do nothing. That was easy. Now you have to make the right play or you could ruin everything!
What to do when you know you should not call.
For whatever reason, earlier you decided that this guy did not deserve a call back, either right away or maybe at all. While you were waiting you gathered all the evidence you needed to support your decision. You were just waiting for him to call so you could immediately start not calling him back. But once your cell lit up with his number, emotion took over, and rather than stick to your original plan, you became consumed with one thing: making yourself feeling better. The problem here is that holding out on calling him, means holding on to the stress. You’d rather call him back and be done with that, than prolong this agony. You’d rather call and lose a bit of your pride than not call and worry about it for the next three weeks. We’ve all been there, and there is no shame in that place.
The problem is that if you call or text him back, you will just be starting this vicious cycle all over again. You were finally going to stand your ground and do something different. Something he wouldn’t expect. And while you planned this all out in your head, you felt good about it. You felt powerful. And that is where you need to be. So how do you fight this urge to immediately respond? How can you win this internal battle with yourself and come out victorious?
Just when you are about to pick up that phone and make that fatal mistake, I want you to think of one thing. I want you to imagine going to your “Favorites”, pressing his name, and hearing the phone ring. I want you to imagine it ringing and ringing. And ringing some more. And then I want you to imagine the worse thing possible happening. His voicemail picks up.
Can you even fathom having to leave a message? You could hang up of course, but if he doesn’t call you back after that, then what? Then you will be in an even worse position than you are now. So you would have to leave some sort of message and then you would have to hang up and wait for him to call you back…again.
Same goes for texting. What if you text him back, and then as some guys are known to do, he doesn’t respond. The text-then-no-text is the absolute worst!
Just thinking of him not replying to you yet again should be enough of a deterrent for you. The best way to ensure that he will pick up his phone or reply to your text is to wait a long enough amount of time so that when he sees your number finally pop up he thinks, “wow, I wasn’t sure if she was going to call me! I better answer because she took a long time to respond.” At that point, he won’t want to miss his chance to talk.
So next time you are struggling with the no call back, just envision this scenario. That should keep you nice and strong for at least a few hours. Because nothing is more frustrating than waiting a week to hear from a guy, only to have him ignore your call back to him.
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