My friend Megan called me last night completely confused. She recently met a guy online and was starting to really like him. “He’s cute, smart, and very witty,” Megan said to me. “The only problem is, I can’t tell if he likes me, or if he’s just looking for a hook-up.” Of course I was intrigued, and I asked her what made her think that he was trying to get into her pants verses her heart? She thought for a second and said, “The dates we go on seem to be going downhill. First date was a nice restaurant. Second date was drinks at a bar. Third date he just asked me to come over and hang out at his house. What do you think? Is it in my head, or is he just out for one thing?”
Good question. And with just that information, it would certainly seem so. But let’s not jump to conclusions here. Yes, there are some guys out there that are not interested in getting serious. They want to play the field, and have sex with anything they find aesthetically stimulating. However, there are also men out there that do want to find a good girl to hunker down with. So the question is, how do you know which guys are which? How can you spot out the guys who are just out to score and split?
1. He doesn’t try to impress you. Most guys want to make a good impression with someone they like. They try very hard to please a girl, especially in the beginning. But if he doesn’t seem to be making much of an effort there could be a good reason why. Vanessa was dating a guy that called her everyday. He seemed to want to get to know her since he was making such frequent contact. But when they were together he didn’t pay much attention to her. “He would have me come over and sit on the couch while he watched football. Or he’d invite me out with his friends but spent more time with them than with me. It became very obvious that the only time I got attention was when he wanted to make out.”
Don’t get confused if he is extra attentive over the phone, and not so much in person. It takes no time or effort to send a quick text. The real test is how he acts when he’s around you.
2. He doesn’t go the extra mile. It’s the little things that make all the difference. Does he open your car door, hang up your coat, or take you out for ice cream when you’ve had a tough day? For Rachel the answer was not so much. She was dating a guy that wouldn’t go an extra inch, forget about a mile. “He would always make me go meet him whenever we went out. He never picked me up at my house. I had to drive to see him or else we weren’t getting together.”
Be wary when you feel like you are doing all the work in the relationship. It’s a give and a take, yes, but in the beginning a guy will bend over backwards to win over a woman he cares for.
3. There is no mental connection. He wants to get to know you in the biblical sense, but how about just getting to know you period? Does he ask you about yourself? Your friends? Your career? A man that wants to settle down will ask you about yourself to see if you are the kind of woman he wants to be with. He’s fishing to see if there is a future. But if the relationship never gets into serious discussions it’s because he has no serious plans for it. My client, Brynn was dating a man that talked about himself incessantly. He was so self-absorbed that she eventually realized he would never love her more than he loved himself.
4. He is pressuring. Does he tell you that sex is really important to a relationship? Does he make you feel bad for holding out? Does he make it seem like he can only open up emotionally if you open up physically? If that is the case, run for the hills. This guy is just out to get some nookie. Don’t let him manipulate you. Sex is important to a relationship yes, but are you even in a relationship yet? Or have you only been dating for five weeks? Truth be told, a good guy will wait forever for the right girl. A selfish guy, however, will wait for no one.
If you really like the guy you are hooking up with, and want to find out how to get him to take you seriously, you must do one very important thing – stop hooking up with him. He won’t give you more if you don’t require more. There is a way to let him know that you like him, but aren’t going to keep casually hooking-up with him until you have decided where the relationship is going. It’s a tricky conversation to have but it’s all laid out in my new book, “Was It Something I Said? : the answers to all your dating dilemma’s.” Check out an excerpt from the book right here!
In this Question and Answer book you will find all the best advice for handling every romantic situation. We cover it all – from hooking up, texting back, and moving forward to a lasting commitment. If you have ever been stuck searching for the right words to say, this book will give you word-for-word instruction on how to tackle the most troubling scenarios. How do you bring up the “Relationship Talk”? How do you ask him if he’s seeing other girls? What do you say if you like him but don’t want to go all the way? You will never again be at a loss for words. Any question you may have is answered right here!
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You are out with your friends enjoying a few drinks on a beautiful night. Your phone vibrates. You have one new text message. You pick it up and see that it’s Sam, a guy you met three weeks ago and hooked up with because you were really wasted. He’s a nice guy, but ever since that night, he’s been pseudo-stalking you. You’ve been cordial, answering some of his texts and calls, mostly because you like the attention, but he’s just not the one for you. You tell your friends at the table, “It’s Sam the stalker again. He is out in DC and wants to know where I am.” There’s a round of snickers and laughs. Someone tells you to be nice to the poor guy and tell him where you are. You never know, he might have cute friends, she says. You take a sip of your margarita and say, “Let’s see how the night goes. If we don’t find any cute guys here, I will tell him to come by.”
Two hours and two rounds later, no one at the table has seen anyone cute. You are almost forced by one of your oversexed friends to call Sam and bring his entourage over. By now you have a good buzz going and figure, why not. He’ll buy you your next round and tell you how hot you are. So you text Sam and tell him where you are in Arlington. You laugh to yourself because you don’t even have to extend an invitation. You know very well that he’s going to say by some strange coincidence that he’s at the bar next door and will just swing by. Fifteen minutes later, Sam, his best friend, and his roommate stroll into bar. People are introduced, shots are ordered, and the night officially begins. Sam is all over you and the more you drink, the more you like it. By the end of the night, you and Sam are stumbling back to your place. You guys make out all over your apartment and for some reason it’s really great. Maybe it’s because you’ve been going through a dry spell, but whatever the reason, you are into it. You continue to make out with Sam and the more you kiss him, the more you like him. How could you have disregarded him before? Maybe he’s not as bad as you initially thought.
And then you wake up the next day completely sober and realize you had on major margarita glasses. Sam is lying in your bed, snoring like a sabertooth tiger, drooling on your favorite pillow. You are annoyed like crazy. How long is going to be here, you wonder? He finally wakes up, smiling like a cheshire cat, and pats the space next to him, indicating he wants you to lie back down. You’d rather shoot yourself than cuddle with Sam so you make up an excuse about having to run into work that morning. Disappointed, Sam reluctantly and slowly, gets out of your bed. You throw his pants at him and watch him stumble to get dressed, knocking over your alarm clock and family photo in the process. He apologizes and then asks if you have time to grab some breakfast. Ah, sorry no. You really don’t. Some other time maybe. Sam picks up on your unintentional invitation to do this again, and says, “Ok, when? Do you want to meet up later tonight?” At this point you just want him out of your apartment so you tell him to call you later and you will see about getting together. He finally leaves after you pretend to walk to your car. You get back to your apartment and collapse on the couch. You eventually drift off to sleep but not before labeling Sam’s number DO NOT ANSWER into your cell phone.
I know you can all related to this story. We have all had guys we just aren’t into, chase after us relentlessly. We’ve all caved and been nice to them, even hooked up with them once or twice. We’ve kept them on the back burner in cases of emergency and extreme boredom. But guess what? This story is not what you think. You’ve just entered the Twilight Zone. You were not out with your girlfriends having margaritas last night. You were in DC, hanging out with your best friend and her roommate, hoping to hear from the guy you met three weeks ago and had a hot hook up with. A hook up you have not been able to stop thinking about. That’s right, in this scenario, YOU are Sam. You were the one who texted him to find out where he was. You were elated when he told you he was at the Eventide rooftop in Arlington. You rushed over and played it off as if you at the bar next door. You met up with him and his friends, had some drinks and ended up back at his place, where at some point in the night you fell completely in love. You woke up in his bed filled with excitement. You are certain he likes you now. He wanted to go to breakfast, but a work emergency took priority. Totally understandable. You like him even more because he’s ambitious. He told you to call him later and you guys would meet up again that night.
Maybe you saw this switch-a-roo coming from a mile away. Maybe my Twilight Zone blog was totally predictable. I really don’t know. What I do know is this. There are lots of girls out there that string along men they aren’t interested in. They hook up with them when it’s convenient, call when they are lonely and use them when they want to. Those same women often Continue reading